Devs only: What are your dev struggles lately?

[ContingentlyComposite]

Aug 23, 2020 15:26:27 GMT -5 ana said:

Aug 23, 2020 13:39:10 GMT -5 ContingentlyComposite said:

Hi ana I don't have anything very helpful to say, I'm afraid. I guess my suggestion would just be don't try to control your dev feelings and thoughts. Keep reminding yourself that there's nothing wrong with them. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking about your bf's friend either. Having dev thoughts is not cheating on your bf. If you end up developing real feelings for your bf's friend after spending time around him, then you probably need to have another talk with your bf about the situation, but short of that there's nothing for you to feel ashamed of or guilty about IMO.

Thanks for your advice, i know there is nothing wrong, i just had a bad experience with my first boyfriend, after 2 years of relationship i told him about my secret and he was ok for a while, but then he became rude about it, soo. I wasn't sure to do the same with my actual boyfriend, we've been together for almost 3 years and i really love him, zero emotional interest on his friend, just dev curiosity

Oh, sorry, I guess I misunderstood what was worrying you. I think it's a really tough call whether to tell a boyfriend about being a dev or not. There are a lot of factors involved: how you think they might react, whether it bothers you not to share that side of yourself with your boyfriend, etc. I definitely don't think there's anything wrong with keeping it to yourself if you prefer it that way. In general I don't think openness and honesty with your partner entails sharing all thoughts and feelings you have. But I also get wanting to be able to be open about the dev stuff with a partner and feel accepted. Sorry, that's totally unhelpful, ha.

[ana]

Aug 23, 2020 14:36:10 GMT -5 Dani said:

ana I think the more you will try to suppress your feelings, the more complicated it will get.
Are you feeling ashamed because you are curious about the paralyzed friend or are you feeling ashamed that you are attracted to the paralyzed friend, who just went through this trauma?
I think the second one is a common one for devs, to feel bad about being attracted to someone who has endured such life altering trauma...it's a tough one really.
I know that one is weird for me too, like I actually get scared when I watch guys do crazy things where they could get hurt or something. I can't even really watch stuff like that. It's so twisted because at the same time I am a dev and fascinated with these things.
If it's the first one, maybe talk to your bf about it again...I am not sure. I guess it depends what makes you uncomfortable.
Are you worried you may be too attracted to the friend and it could cause issues in your relationship?
I guess I don't have great advice either...sorry

thank you, and yes it's the 2nd, I feel sorry for my boyfriend's friend, it's a very difficult situation, I only saw him a few times, they were playing soccer at the beginning of the year, but then quarantine came and then his accident, 2020 has been a crazy year, as i said i don't have emotional interest just dev curiosity

[devogirl]

ana, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It is a very difficult situation. His injury is triggering your dev feelings, but talking about it with him or your boyfriend is not a good idea as the injury is so recent, and even being around him can be confusing and painful. I think probably all of us have experienced unwanted dev feelings triggered by someone else's trauma. It can make you feel very guilty and conflicted.

Usually I recommend being open with boyfriends but in this case I think it's better not to say anything, at least not when the injury is so new. Try to be as supportive as you can for him and his friend, and find some other place to talk about your dev feelings. A sex-positive therapist, a trusted friend, or members of the board here. You need a place where you can process your feelings separately from them. Trying to control or suppress dev feelings usually only makes them stronger. What actually helps is acknowledging and accepting the feeling so it can fade into the background.

[dolly]

In my early dev days a family friend I had a huge crush on got MS and was in a wheelchair for a long time. It was really confusing and messed me up pretty good.

It was pure-internet days so I didn’t even understand my dev feelings had a name or that there were other people like me, so it was all processed internally and not very well.

I second devogirl’s advice. I’m glad you found this forum and have this community to work through it with if you choose to.

I definitely feel a lot of empathy for you and all of the feelings something like this can evoke.

[ana]

Thank you girls, it's good to feel supported by people who can really understand, i haven't tell even my best friend, i know she won't be too critical, but I am not sure she will completely understand, also now i think i should have been brave and told my boyfriend the truth a long time ago while we were sober,now i'll have to wait

[Nia]

First of all hi everyone!!! It’s been quite long since I’ve been on PD and I’m glad I’m back and seeing all the familiar faces and also many new ones hope to get to know you all.

Obviously, since I’m back... I’m in one of the strongest dev highs ever
and its been like this for some time now.

Of course on one hand I feel great because every dev loves dev highs because we feel alive like falling in love....but there is the bad side also and for me it’s because I’m still in a relationship with AB guy. I love him very much I’m not ready to even start thinking about breaking up with him but I feel sad and frustrated because he is no longer interested in fulfilling my dev needs in any way. He was into it the first year I told him and we used to talk about it, role play etc and he was great in it but it all just stopped and we don’t even mention it.... and I feel like everything is much harder now than before since I experienced sex wives PWD... my boyfriend and I have some sort of an open relationship and he approves and knows about everything that part is ok... but that experience which occurred a year ago was so much more then sex to me... the guy is perfect, with my preferred disability... I couldn’t imagined him better and I think I’ve fallen in love with him... luckily after spending two weekends with him he decided to cut me of and we didn’t have any contact for over 11 months until he reached out couple weeks ago. And now I’m in agony. I just think about him I feel guilty for feeling so because of my boyfriend... I want him so much but he lives in Bulgaria and I’m in Serbia and I cannot travel due to corona etc etc etc..... im literally on fire... I want him so much and I don’t know when we will be able to meet.... and in this agony and need for pwd sex I imagine my boyfriend as pwd all the time. I can’t help it. And again I feel guilty because I think that I might really couse him to lose legs from wanting that so much all the time. I know it’s stupid and funny but I cannot help it.... and also I’m not sure that he would be ok with it if he knew what I’m doing in my mind.... so..... I’m frustrated, have no one to talk about it... and I’m glad I have PD and you guys because only you can relate To this madness.... I’m of course more then happy for finally experiencing pwd sex in real life but I’m not the same since and I’m afraid I’m no longer able to sustain ab relationship.... and that’s hard to grasp....

[missparkle]

Nia, darling, it's great to see you back! 😘 I missed you here.

Aug 26, 2020 14:31:53 GMT -5 Nia said:

I’m of course more then happy for finally experiencing pwd sex in real life but I’m not the same since and I’m afraid I’m no longer able to sustain ab relationship.... and that’s hard to grasp...

I can SO relate to this... I like to joke "dev wolf has tasted blood and now it's howling for more"... I don't have any useful piece of advice, I can just say I feel pretty much the same at the moment! Must be some strong winds blowing in Serbia!😂

[ana]

Aug 26, 2020 14:31:53 GMT -5 Nia said:

First of all hi everyone!!! It’s been quite long since I’ve been on PD and I’m glad I’m back and seeing all the familiar faces and also many new ones hope to get to know you all.

Obviously, since I’m back... I’m in one of the strongest dev highs ever
and its been like this for some time now.

Of course on one hand I feel great because every dev loves dev highs because we feel alive like falling in love....but there is the bad side also and for me it’s because I’m still in a relationship with AB guy. I love him very much I’m not ready to even start thinking about breaking up with him but I feel sad and frustrated because he is no longer interested in fulfilling my dev needs in any way. He was into it the first year I told him and we used to talk about it, role play etc and he was great in it but it all just stopped and we don’t even mention it.... and I feel like everything is much harder now than before since I experienced sex wives PWD... my boyfriend and I have some sort of an open relationship and he approves and knows about everything that part is ok... but that experience which occurred a year ago was so much more then sex to me... the guy is perfect, with my preferred disability... I couldn’t imagined him better and I think I’ve fallen in love with him... luckily after spending two weekends with him he decided to cut me of and we didn’t have any contact for over 11 months until he reached out couple weeks ago. And now I’m in agony. I just think about him I feel guilty for feeling so because of my boyfriend... I want him so much but he lives in Bulgaria and I’m in Serbia and I cannot travel due to corona etc etc etc..... im literally on fire... I want him so much and I don’t know when we will be able to meet.... and in this agony and need for pwd sex I imagine my boyfriend as pwd all the time. I can’t help it. And again I feel guilty because I think that I might really couse him to lose legs from wanting that so much all the time. I know it’s stupid and funny but I cannot help it.... and also I’m not sure that he would be ok with it if he knew what I’m doing in my mind.... so..... I’m frustrated, have no one to talk about it... and I’m glad I have PD and you guys because only you can relate To this madness.... I’m of course more then happy for finally experiencing pwd sex in real life but I’m not the same since and I’m afraid I’m no longer able to sustain ab relationship.... and that’s hard to grasp....

while i was reading i felt so close to you Nia, my first boyfriend was a handsome AB and he was "ok" about my dev feelings for a while, even role-playing made me fall in love deeper than i was, but with time he got tired of it, also he had to leave to other country and eventually we broke up, it took me a while to date again, finally met my actual boyfriend... i was reading you and we just had a conversation about his friend, my boyfriend is concerned that his friend got shot in a robbery and the bullet hurt a high level on his spinal, so doctor's said that they don't even know how he can move his arms, so my boyfriend is afraid because he works in the same bussines (Money exchange house) he told me that if something like that happens to him, i will eventually leave him, because i won't like to take care of him or cleaning diapers, but of course he doesn't know that i am dev, i was dying to tell him how wrong he is, that on the contrary i will love to remain by his side in that situation, I'm still blushing, my heart beating harder than ever and no clue about what to do

[dannyboy95]

The current travel restrictions and social distancing guidelines make it even less likely that I'll bee meeting up with PWDs that I had wanted to visit for a long time already...

[kat]

This isn't really a struggle, but... have any of you ever played The Sims and desperately wished there was an option to play as PWD? Well apparently there's a new life sim coming out next year called Paralives (the name is an unrelated coincidence!), and they're planning to incorporate disabilities into it. About time, right? I, for one, can't wait to shirk real-life responsibilities in favor of playing house with cute imaginary guys... AND making accessible versions of places like this:

[Celeste]

Sept 25, 2020 9:04:29 GMT -5 kat said:

This isn't really a struggle, but... have any of you ever played The Sims and desperately wished there was an option to play as PWD? Well apparently there's a new life sim coming out next year called Paralives (the name is an unrelated coincidence!), and they're planning to incorporate disabilities into it. About time, right? I, for one, can't wait to shirk real-life responsibilities in favor of playing house with cute imaginary guys... AND making accessible versions of places like this:

I haven't played The Sims in a really long time! When I did play, I was ALWAYS looking for disability content. I wished that someone would create functional wheelchair custom content, but all I remember is a wheelchair that acted like a regular chair (sims sit in it, stand up from it, and it could slide underneath a table... not very useful for dev purposes). Paralives seems cool, but I don't play very many games anymore.

[bluefox]

Funny you posted that here, Kat, I've Just stumbled upon that game this week! Sadly it's still not out, but there was a developer poll on the topic of disabilities in the game a year or two ago and there's continued interest in that topic on the Reddit. Fingers crossed, I always missed it in Sims (as a dev as well as a haver of disabled OCs), plus the driving force behind the continued interest does seem to be disabled people themselves wanting to finally be able to recreate themselves in life sims, which I get (sadly, it seems there won't be much room to make actually neurodivergent sims as I'd need to make a true 'simself', just traits that are supposed to ambiguously hint at it since they shy away from the, I quote, "complex and dark" topic... :/).

Either way, I'm going to at least try the game, I absolutely love the art style to bits, looks so cozy and there also seem to be vast possibilities for those big into the house design aspect :3 Just looks like way better Sims 4 to me.

I really hope - not just as a dev - that they do take that leap for inclusion in sim games though, at least concerning physically disabled folks.

[kat]

bluefox, thanks for the update! It's been taking so long to come out that I kind of stopped following the development. There's also another life sim game coming out soon called Life by You, but I just checked and didn't see any indication of disabilities being incorporated. I understand that it's not the easiest thing to implement in a game and that the target audience for it is not huge, but I'd still love to see more inclusivity.

It's kind of interesting how little disability representation there is in games in general. I understand that a lot of people play games to escape the constraints of real life, but I still feel like a badass disabled hero would be great for representation.

[bluefox]

Really is taking a good while, but it's a small developer team. Eludes me still that there's not even early Access after 6 years, but there are still frequent updates so I believe the team is at least serious about the project and it's not a scam.

I read the "escaping real life" argument a bunch when looking for corresponding Sims mods back in the day, but I really see about 85% of the topic being taken as extremely uncontroversial, favoring stances like actual disabled people just wanting to be able to finally play as their genuine irl selves in all the facets in a sim game (not hearsay or thought experiments but PWDs posting that themselves on the Reddit), or people liking the possibility of nonchalantly just including disability in the game without making a huge deal about it ingame normalizing it a little for such games and maybe even irl.

So, seems it's not really viewed as as "dark and dreary" a facet of life by PWDs and ABs alike as game developers seem to fear it to be. (Frankly, in my opinion that fear is dripping with ableism anyways) I think for their target audience, it's mostly a facet that just is.

Aside from that I reckon a person who might feel unpleasantly reminded of a real life condition they have and aren't at peace with could if felt necessary still delete the characters in question from the neighborhood (if Paralives is gonna be anything like Sims) and not include that part of themselves in their sim/make an OC Sim, but I expect that to be a bit of a rare case going from the comment sections on the Reddit's related threads

Sorry this got long, I seem to keep writing extreme essays today hahah

Oct 7, 2023 2:01:14 GMT -5 kat said:

but I still feel like a badass disabled hero would be great for representation.

P.S. I really feel you here (:< and if certain Anime characters are any indication, so would lots of people. (Though I would love if media pulled it off without the representative in question being magically or sci-fi'ically AB and only disabled on paper for once)

[kat]

Oct 8, 2023 18:49:43 GMT -5 bluefox said:

(Though I would love if media pulled it off without the representative in question being magically or sci-fi'ically AB and only disabled on paper for once)

This is a really good point. I also hate it when that happens. It's like it's a black and white thing of either "character is pitiful and helpless" or "character can do anything an AB can do and therefore their disability is completely erased" with no middle ground.