New here...

[New here]

Hi,
I'm Kiki and this is my story...
First I have to say sorry for my bad english… and if I don’t use the right word then that is cuz its not my mother tongue… I don’t wanna offend u guys…
So here’s my story…
I’ve been with a guy for quite a long time (considering that im 21). he had a car accident some time ago… and being in a wheelchair afterwards he decided to leave his “past” behind… he broke up with his girlfriend , broke up contact with his friends and moved to another city with his parents…
Maybe this is his way to overcome difficulties, the past, his accident I don’t know… and I still don’t know why he broke up with me… But anyway I’m over it: you get to a certain amount of changes when you’re 18, 19, 20 whatever… u know setting your goals meeting new people or having an accident…
Anyway, he calls me every now and then… last time he told me he had a new girlfriend and that she was a dev, devo, devotee (or how u wanna be called). I was curious about that cuz I have to admit I didn’t know what it was… so I kinda searched the internet and this is how I found this site…
It’s kinda strange… I’m trying to love people for who they are… ( im not saying devs don’t love people for who they are, but I got some difficulties to understand) see I loved my guy the way he was/is… it didn’t change when he became a wheelchair user… it didn’t thrill me to see him in a wheelchair neither did it affect the emotional side of our relation…
What is it that turns u on about it? I guess that must hurt to know somebody “loves” or gets excited about something that’s kinda sad… I mean… not being able to walk, to pee or have “normal” sex… I’m sorry if that is offending for u guys but that’s the way some dumb able body girl thinks about it… How do u feel about it?

Ok anywayz I hope to get some answers... Have a nice day... Kiki

[kiki]

;D guess i m supposed to sign in before im posting...

[BA]

Hi Kiki. I guess what you feel or felt for your ex-boyfriend was a bit of sadness and pity. I think that is a very normal reaction to seeing someone who we knew as able-bodied or active suddenly have to struggle with limitations that weren't there before. There is one girl on the site who met her husband before his accident and is, of course, still with him today.

As a "dev" or whatever you want to call it, I don't have that sense of pity. I celebrate the person for who they are, disability and all.

[Pisti]

Hi Kiki,
Welcome on board!
I guess we are here to find ansvers to those questions, too... to calm the remorse...
You know this has been discussed several times, so you might find some ansvers in older posts.
I personally didn't feel offended by your post - you could be much more bitter, but you are rather curious.
When I have a bit more time I'll try to resume my feelings and point of view.
Judit
PS: Tu sais, par rapport à tous les français qui je connais ton anglais est parfait.

[BA]

By the way Kiki, looks like we share a birthday (different years, different country)

Bonjour.

[kiki]

Merci beaucoup!!!

It's not pity... I guess I can't understand why he prefers a dev girl to somebody who loved him before and after his accident... I guess thats the point for me... Anyways, I'm over it... But just wondering...

[Chan]

Kiki, I totally understand where you're coming from about the whole 'doesn't it ever depress you' factor because ever since I've been with E I've had really conflicting feelings about my 'devness'. I now have feelings of guilt every time I get aroused by certain images I seem to conjure up in the late hours of the night. Being with a disabled guy in real life is a lot different than in fantasy. Problems, difficulties, limitations exist outside of the fantasy fodder. And I'm not saying any of this makes me any less attracted to my guy, but ever since being able to be with him in real life I've had a certain heavy conscience about things I used to not think twice about.

The main point that I want to stress is, as much as I'm aroused by and love my quad, I'd give absolutely anything for him to have his body back. I've gotten depressed so many times thinking about the turns that his life made after his accident and the things he had to give up. Though it means I would have never even met him, I wish so badly that he'd never been hurt and in his particular situation today. But then I just have to tell myself, there's nothing that can be done, this is the way it's going to be from now on, so why not just let go and accept my attraction and his condition? I'm not sure if I've answered any questions you may have had, but I just wanted to clarify that even though, yes, I'm a dev and attracted to disability, I don't wish it upon anyone and just try to accept the situation for what it is. I'm never not going to be attracted to someone like E and really, he's admitted to preferring certain qualities about a dev over a "normal" girl. It has a lot to do with the comfort level he feels around me knowing that a) I know how things work, I'm probaby not going to be surprised or startled by anything, b) I'm most likely going to be attracted to a lot of stuff he may have been self-conscious about before, therefor boosting confidence/comfort levels all at the same time.

[damedevo]

Welcome, Kiki! As Judit said, these questions come up again and again, and you might like to set aside time to read through old postings.

There are several points of view, but I'll do my best to summarize one common viewpoint: Every able-bodied guy likes to show how competent he is, but his showing off is nothing special. However, a guy who is competent with his wheelchair or crutches--to the best of his abilities--has the added attraction of seeming off-beat (unusual) and somewhat vulnerable, which may make him seem more interesting and approachable.

It's probably ideal if an injured person can navigate into his new life with all friends and family members still on board the ship, and eventually drop regrets about what was lost. But this is probably impossible in many cases. I imagine your friend decided to cut loose from the past as best he could and sail away into new territory, rather than continue to face the reactions of all the people who had known him, before.

Anyone who meets such a man after his injury may tend to accept his condition as "normal," because they never knew him before. That attitude may free him to start accepting himself more easily.

In addition, a woman who likes the kinky aspect of a man who is "different" may look forward to experimenting sexually, rather than feeling sad that the man can not have sex in the “normal” way. They can really enjoy each other. They can feel equal as members of a counterculture.

Speaking as someone who has dealt with hip-joint disorder, I think anyone who becomes disabled does enter a counterculture. Able-bodied friends and relations may not perceive it; and they can never really follow him there, even if they do perceive it.

Several men here have posted that their first thought after being injured was not, "Will I ever walk again?" but instead, "Will I ever be able to have sex again?" Surely, both you and your ex-boyfriend were sad about what he lost. Maybe he broke up with you because he was afraid you were sexually dissatisfied. Maybe he thought that, eventually, you would break up with him, anyway--or worse, that you would wish to break up with him but would resist, out of pity.

Speaking as an "older woman," I think some of us are never really "over it," after we have had an intimate relationship with someone. Memories do keep coming back, even decades later, and even when we are happy with someone else. Your ex-boyfriend is not really "over" you, if he continues to call; and you obviously still care about him, even though you are willing to let him choose how he wants to be. I commend you for that.

However, I wonder about a few things: Why does he need to tell you that he is with a “devotee?” Does he try to gauge your reaction and sense whether you approve, disapprove, or are jealous? Would you accept hearing about his new girlfriend, if he weren’t disabled—if he had broken up with you for some other reason? Do you really want these phone calls from him? He is certainly sending very mixed signals, as if saying, “I don’t need you, but I want you to know I’m having better sex than I had with you!” For your own self respect, you might want to refuse to hear details about his new girlfriend.

[kiki]

Thank you so much for your answers… I guess this helps a lot to understand things… and really nice people on board here…

Thank you chan for your answer…
I’m really sad too… even though we’re no longer a couple… I mean I know him for such a long time… It’s not only losing your boyfriend, cuz that happens every now and then… its losing your best friend… I wasn’t disgusted about things… it was more like: ok here we are now lets deal with it… we can’t change it anyway… and I guess obstacles make u grow… I don’t quite understand why he should be less desirable for me… the fact that he’s in a wheelchair didn’t change the fact that I was still in love with him and I still think he’s very attractive…


And thanks damedevo… I got through a lot of the older postings… was very helpful too…
I think I couldn’t accept his condition as normal in the first place… but I guess that’s only human… and u gotta get used to things… that didn’t keep me from still thinking that he’s adorable…
I don’t know why he still calls… of course it feels kinda strange to talk about his new girlfriend… but I know him since I was 12… my brother was his best friend before and his mother was really close to my mother… so I guess I’m still interested to know what he’s doing and if he’s happy…
Last time he called he said, he would love to be with me again but considering that he can’t have me back without my family and without my friends (who were his friends) he’s too afraid…
So I guess we’re moving in circles…

[damedevo]

"Last time he called he said, he would love to be with me again but considering that he can’t have me back without my family and without my friends (who were his friends) he’s too afraid…"

Kiki, that's sad. Do you know what bothers him so much about facing your family and his/your old friends? Of course, it's not your job to play psychiatrist for him, but maybe his fears are based on a misconception about how other people see him.

Or maybe he is correctly perceiving that your parents feel uncomfortable when they face him, and that his old friends prefer to avoid him. Perhaps he needs to learn how to present himself with confidence and change people's opinions about him.

Would you happily accept to marry him, perhaps try to have children with him? Would your parents happily accept him as their son-in-law? Or would they accept him only because they feel guilty about really wanting to reject him? Perhaps you could talk with your parents and find out their real feelings. I'm sure most parents wish for their daughter to marry an able-bodied man, no matter how fond they might be of a disabled man.

If possible, you should see the 1950 movie, The Men, starring Marlon Brando and Jack Webb. It is very pertinent to your situation. It's available through Amazon U.K, but unfortunately only in Region 1 encoding ("requires a North American or multi-region DVD player and NTSC compatible TV"). Maybe you can find someone to do a conversion for you. Here is the Amazon link:
www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0000EYUEI/qid=1138211501/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_2_1/026-5523403-1310808

I suggest that you keep communication open with your ex-boyfriend, but also tell him clearly you don't want to hear details about his new girlfriend, and explain why it's hurtful to you. If you ask him to respect your feelings, you are treating him as an equal--not as a cripple who has to be pitied or babied or humored. That will be good for both of you.

It's so typical that you, the woman, are here online, looking for support and answers, whereas the man you're concerned about apparently is just hiding--from others and maybe from himself. Most guys don't know how to ask for help or accept it. I am guessing he really needs to work with a psychologist who specializes in disability issues. You could suggest that to him--but as the saying goes, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."

I wonder if any of the wheeler guys here might have ideas for how you could encourage your ex-boyfriend to come out of his shell and start facing people. Here is a link that might be helpful for him:
www.outsiders.org.uk/

[Triassic]

Chan, I think what you're feeling as you realize how tough it can be for E is actually a good thing. It will make your sexual interest in disabled guys even deeper, more intense, emotional...

[wheelie37]

it is a switch for me, it is normally the girl/wife etc that leaves when their man becomes disabled. Personally my fiancee went off with my cousin!

Has your ex boyfriend mentioned how he met his devotee and when?

I ask as i wondered if it contributed too the split up?

it is nice that he keeps in contact and i hope you can still remain friends

[kiki]

no, he didn't he met her after we split... I can't understand how somebody can leave his past behing like this...
I mean what about friendship and love??? I guess u don't stop loving when you're in a wheelchair...

[wheelie37]

Has he had a friend who become disabled and he and his friends didnt want to see his friend anymore? Maybe he didnt want that to happen to him so he beat them too it?

You said he and you have been the best of friends forever! He still phones you to tell you what is happening with his life etc.

I am still in contact with my ex girlfriend. She often tells me what is happening with her and her new boyfriend. I am happy we are still friends. There is and always will be love and attraction between us, but we know we will be best friends for a very long time, if not forever!


If he phones you up to ask about his friends, tell him too phone them himself or give them his phone number (obviously asking him first)

I only had two friends keep in contact with me when i had my accident.
I have made many more friends since then.
How have his friends reacted to him leaving?

Of course you dont stop loving when you are in a wheelchair.

do you mind him phoning you/ telling you about his new girlfriend?

if so maybe you should tell him you have moved on with your life too

good luck

[Triassic]

Kiki, I think you're an exception among women, since it honestly doesnt seem to matter to you that your ex b/f is now seriously disabled...or at least youre willing to give it a shot.

Most women would not; or they might pretend it's ok; or stay out of a feeling of obligation. I've been disabled to some degree all my life, so there's never been a 'before' and 'after'. But had I been a.b. and had a g/friend, then suddenly became a wheeler I would probably do what your boy did-because I couldnt be sure she wasnt just going through the motions.