Totally confused - Dev-sisters, please help!
Apr 23, 2019 17:35:03 GMT -5
mica, myrrh, and 3 more like this
Post by linda on Apr 23, 2019 17:35:03 GMT -5
Dear fellow Dev-sisters,
it’s been almost a week now since I came back from my fantastic trip to Helsinki. It has been wonderful. Apart from the good time there (some of you might have come across some pictures, I hope we didn’t overdo it, but it was just so much fun...) I am most grateful for this unique opportunity to explore my devness. But also very very confused.
I really do hope that the „dev-only“ requirement for reading this thread is getting respected. I‘ve always been very closed up about anything sex-related and never even talked about it with my best friend. In a way, the anonymity here helps a bit. Since I‘ve been wondering so much lately, I really would like to hear your opinions or experiences on this.
So here it is: I‘ve joined PD only about two months ago. That was the time when I had admitted to myself for the first time that I am a dev. I had been sick for a while, absent from work and plenty of time to finally confront myself with something that I had tried to avoid for all my life. Well, most of you have been there... I was lucky to get the chance to spend one week with a para (a really great person on top. Which goes without saying. I wouldn’t have made the trip in the first place otherwise, but still nice to see expectations getting confirmed...)
Whenever I had devvy fantasies in the past, they were not sex-related. They were scenes from movies, absolutely every-day-life stuff from para lives, that I remember to have triggered my devness in the past, like from childhood on. Those have been very few, maybe two or three, very short sequences. But those were my fantasies that I could totally rely on. In all the years of unfulfilled relationships with AB men, or on my own.
After I had joined PD and really consciously got to deal with my devness, I already noticed that those fantasies somehow didn’t work as well anymore. I felt like numb, somehow disconnected. I didn’t think too much about it then, because very soon I got into intensive contact with the para guy, and the trip to Finland started to get shape. So I thought that would get solved anyways. But when I was there, exploring my devness in real intimate situations, I noticed that it was the same. Like my devness was gone, at least when it came to erotic situations. It was still great. Simply because he is a wonderful, sensitive and also a quite experienced man, as far as I can tell (I don’t want to go more into detail, but I think I‘m not telling a secret here). But I was totally surprised how I did not or almost not get aroused by his paralysis.
I did have devvy moments. I came to remember the thread „the stillness of the legs“, and I could totally relate to that. It was just beautiful and made me feel and totally wanting to be tender and gentle. But not really in an erotic way. It was more a kind of feeling that I never had before.
And also in general it was of course nice and interesting to watch how things go. I was so totally unexperienced, I didn’t even know the most basic things that obviously every other dev knows about disabilities, since I have never really read anything. I think it was sometimes even quite amusing to him...
But anyways, now I find myself totally confused and lost. Even a bit frustrated. Because I have the feeling that my devness let me down. The one thing I could count on during all these years or even decades does not work anymore. And I wonder what is going on. Could it be the guilt, after all? Like some kind of contra-reaction to me having too soon or too intensively confronted myself with the whole subject? I am a person who easily feels guilt and always ready for self-criticism. But I don’t know. I have read a bit in „dev lows are dull“, but could it really be that, right after realizing, it starts to fade away? That seems crazy to me.
I really hope that it’s ok to share this here. It feels very personal. Well, it is. I hope you don’t mind and I hope you experienced devs have some enlightening ideas for me. Thank you so much in advance. And I‘m really grateful for PD, a place where I feel secure enough to post even this.
it’s been almost a week now since I came back from my fantastic trip to Helsinki. It has been wonderful. Apart from the good time there (some of you might have come across some pictures, I hope we didn’t overdo it, but it was just so much fun...) I am most grateful for this unique opportunity to explore my devness. But also very very confused.
I really do hope that the „dev-only“ requirement for reading this thread is getting respected. I‘ve always been very closed up about anything sex-related and never even talked about it with my best friend. In a way, the anonymity here helps a bit. Since I‘ve been wondering so much lately, I really would like to hear your opinions or experiences on this.
So here it is: I‘ve joined PD only about two months ago. That was the time when I had admitted to myself for the first time that I am a dev. I had been sick for a while, absent from work and plenty of time to finally confront myself with something that I had tried to avoid for all my life. Well, most of you have been there... I was lucky to get the chance to spend one week with a para (a really great person on top. Which goes without saying. I wouldn’t have made the trip in the first place otherwise, but still nice to see expectations getting confirmed...)
Whenever I had devvy fantasies in the past, they were not sex-related. They were scenes from movies, absolutely every-day-life stuff from para lives, that I remember to have triggered my devness in the past, like from childhood on. Those have been very few, maybe two or three, very short sequences. But those were my fantasies that I could totally rely on. In all the years of unfulfilled relationships with AB men, or on my own.
After I had joined PD and really consciously got to deal with my devness, I already noticed that those fantasies somehow didn’t work as well anymore. I felt like numb, somehow disconnected. I didn’t think too much about it then, because very soon I got into intensive contact with the para guy, and the trip to Finland started to get shape. So I thought that would get solved anyways. But when I was there, exploring my devness in real intimate situations, I noticed that it was the same. Like my devness was gone, at least when it came to erotic situations. It was still great. Simply because he is a wonderful, sensitive and also a quite experienced man, as far as I can tell (I don’t want to go more into detail, but I think I‘m not telling a secret here). But I was totally surprised how I did not or almost not get aroused by his paralysis.
I did have devvy moments. I came to remember the thread „the stillness of the legs“, and I could totally relate to that. It was just beautiful and made me feel and totally wanting to be tender and gentle. But not really in an erotic way. It was more a kind of feeling that I never had before.
And also in general it was of course nice and interesting to watch how things go. I was so totally unexperienced, I didn’t even know the most basic things that obviously every other dev knows about disabilities, since I have never really read anything. I think it was sometimes even quite amusing to him...
But anyways, now I find myself totally confused and lost. Even a bit frustrated. Because I have the feeling that my devness let me down. The one thing I could count on during all these years or even decades does not work anymore. And I wonder what is going on. Could it be the guilt, after all? Like some kind of contra-reaction to me having too soon or too intensively confronted myself with the whole subject? I am a person who easily feels guilt and always ready for self-criticism. But I don’t know. I have read a bit in „dev lows are dull“, but could it really be that, right after realizing, it starts to fade away? That seems crazy to me.
I really hope that it’s ok to share this here. It feels very personal. Well, it is. I hope you don’t mind and I hope you experienced devs have some enlightening ideas for me. Thank you so much in advance. And I‘m really grateful for PD, a place where I feel secure enough to post even this.