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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2019 18:25:11 GMT -5
Just because they are parents, doesn't mean you have to deal with them in that way. You are an adult and make your own decisions. I had stuff like that happen when I had my first boyfriend. He was American and the first time he bascially met my dad at our house, my boyfriend walked in and wanted to introduce himself with a hand shake and name and all that and my dad literally ignored the guy, like left the guy standing there like he was invisible. It was super painful for me but my boyfriend shook it off quickly. The bad thing was when this boyfriend died several months later in a car crash and my dad did not know how to approach me at the news and didn't even come home because he couldn't face me. My dad is now long gone and I know he did this because he was so very worried about me and it was very difficult for him. The same thing happened when I met my husband, my dad stayed very distant and cold toward him but again, my then boyfriend/now husband shrugged it off. My dad came around when he realized how good my husband was to me and how much he loved me and took care of me and he reconciled with my husband before he passed away. I wish my dad could have seen his grandsons be born and grow up and see what a wonderful man/father my husband is.
I know now that my dad reacted in this way because of how much he loved me so I forgave him a long time ago.
As for parents keeping up this thing about treating us as children or inferior, that is completely unacceptable and as difficult as this is, sometimes even the relationship between the parents and child has to be severed.
I try not to be like this with my own boys and I hope I give/gave them enough freedom and confidence to live their lives, learn from their mistakes and let them know that it doesn't matter what happens, I will always be there for them even after they mess up. I try not to judge, not to belittle, not to be bossy...but everything we as parents do is out of worry and love because we want our kids to be happy. It is very difficult to watch your kids fail, probably the most challenging aspect of being a parent I think. I have a very hard time with that myself and constantly have to remind myself not to interfere or "save" them.
As for your situation @delight do you think it is only the aspect of the disability or are there other things your parents disapprove of when it comes to your bf?
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Post by devogirl on Dec 27, 2019 23:18:33 GMT -5
Would you rather have a stronger bond with your partner, or not rock the family boat?
It is a very tough situation to be in, but from what I have observed with friends, if someone prioritizes family over the partner and allows the family to make unkind comments about the partner without standing up to them, the relationship is doomed. They've made their choice and it ain't you. It sucks, I'm sorry to hear this happened to you.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2019 23:40:20 GMT -5
I agree with above...and I forgot to mention this in my prior comment. My husband basically turned against his own family in the beginning of our marriage. If he wouldn't have stuck up for me I was already going to plan to pack my suitcase and leave. It's a long story how all that came about and it was not easy but in the end my husband turned away from his family but with that saved our marriage...
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2019 1:53:14 GMT -5
I'm going to try and answer a few of the questions that came from you all. Although my father has hurt me badly with his opinions throughout my adult life, I know he means well but struggles to put things in the right way. I try to call him out on things but this time I was so shocked that it took me too long to respond. He has said that my boyfriend is a good man and he quite likes him apart from the disability. He can't get past the idea that he wants a man to take care of me and thinks that as my boyfriend gets older he will need a lot more help himself. To be fair, there are aspects to a relationship with a pwd that do make things harder and more complicated in daily life. But as a dev these things aren't such a negative as they would be to others. But it's impossible to explain that. My father is very important to me as he is all I have left from my family so I think I need to get a tougher skin and learn to ignore it. Things are currently not great between my boyfriend and I, he has recently started blaming his disability for why he doesn't do certain things. I'm finding it hard to deal with as part of my attraction is to strong, determined, well adjusted pad. There are obviously other issues but that one is unexpected.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2019 2:15:50 GMT -5
I am sorry you are going through a rough time right now @delight Is your boyfriends health compromised or declining that he says he can't do certain things anymore?
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Post by Amee on Dec 29, 2019 5:25:58 GMT -5
@delight I'm sorry things aren't great with your boyfriend I can imagine it's especially tough to hear comments like that from your father, when you're in a rough place with your relationship anyway. Does your boyfriend know you're a dev?
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Post by Jay on Dec 29, 2019 15:59:13 GMT -5
@delight I'm really sorry to hear about this. I have a very odd relationship with my parents, so I'm not the best person to comment on your fathers opinion, although it does always pain me to see how most people react to disability. I happen to be a very independent person and my parents may have opinions about "what is best for me", but it's my life to live and not theirs and that's my perspective generally.
As for blaming disability for not doing things... I feel you, because I'm also attracted to strong and determined partners. My partner is AB, but he still has moments of self-doubt and 'weakness'. And that's OK - we all get that from time to time. I guess it may be helpful to know whether it's just a phase (which is OK because they're healthy and we all have them and with a bit of support will go away), or whether it's something more fundamental. If it's more fundamental, is it something that may improve with a bit of help and support from you or does it need a professional approach (like cognitive therapy)? Things take time, but bear in mind it's not just disability that takes its toll in long-term relationships - there will always be something (at least that's been my experience!).
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Post by pam on Dec 29, 2019 22:28:50 GMT -5
I am also sorry for these problems you are having. My parents would have felt the same way your father does. I just know they would have, even though I never brought a disabled date home.
I hope your relationship with your boyfriend improves. It is difficult when things don't go smoothly. Maybe it will get better😊
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2019 23:20:54 GMT -5
I am sorry you are going through a rough time right now @delight Is your boyfriends health compromised or declining that he says he can't do certain things anymore? No Dani his health is fine, he just seems to be unwilling to make an effort lately. Its been changing fir a while, he seems to exoect me to compromise or organise stuff.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2019 23:23:32 GMT -5
@delight I'm sorry things aren't great with your boyfriend I can imagine it's especially tough to hear comments like that from your father, when you're in a rough place with your relationship anyway. Does your boyfriend know you're a dev? I dont think he would even have heard of devs. Ive never actually admitted that to him (or anyone else) but i did make a point of making very positive comments about the way he does things etc
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2019 23:31:02 GMT -5
Its tough, like any relationship breakdown. We've been together years and ive invested so much, made so many compromises on the basis that it would be worth it in the end. We have had our ups and downs but im not sure we can come back this time. Im not perfect, and im sure he feels like he has put up with stuff, but this argument has us both at totally opposite sides of the spectrum.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2019 0:31:08 GMT -5
Thanks @tc123 Its all just made me question my self worth and ive come to think that maybe im just not worth making the extra effort for.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2019 0:50:41 GMT -5
I think this happens in any long term relationship, it's the part about being taken for granted and it can be a rough road to overcome that. It takes both partners to put effort into the relationship, if it becomes a one sided deal, it can be problematic. I hope you will get through it @delight and are able to sustain your relationship.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2019 0:59:03 GMT -5
I think this happens in any long term relationship, it's the part about being taken for granted and it can be a rough road to overcome that. It takes both partners to put effort into the relationship, if it becomes a one sided deal, it can be problematic. I hope you will get through it @delight and are able to sustain your relationship. Thank you Dani , i hope so too
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Post by lisa on Jan 5, 2020 16:07:36 GMT -5
I'm a bit late to this thread, I'm sorry. @delight, I'm very sorry this happened and happens to you. I think I can relate very much to it. When I had my first disabled boyfriend (about 7 years ago now), it created a family nightmare. The relationship to my parents has never been like before again. My relationship with him and also the topic in general has been declared a "forbidden topic" by my parents. In a way, it's how devogirl described it. I talk to them about daily stuff and about work, but that's about it. Still, it's not easy. Everytime I visit, I feel like a part of me is rejected and has to stay outside. Sometimes it's alright, when my devness is not on a high or when I'm generally not thinking a lot about it. But usually it really bothers me. And since my mother never managed to let go of me after I moved out (more than 12 years ago...), it's still not easy to hide things from her (even though that's basically what she wants me to do). Sometimes they are commenting on disability stuff in a negative way. I always wonder why they are doing that. It's probably all good intentions, at least it was in the beginning. Then they had real problems to cope with having someone with a disability in the family. I often wonder whether it's really how devogirl said, that they themselves have some deeply rooted phobia, because this is not a normal reaction, even for someone who doesn't want their kid to date a PWD. Anyway, I was (and probably will) never be allowed to take a disabled partner home. How do I cope? Well, in the beginning it was super hard and I used to get angry at them for what they did to me. (I rarely have this feeling of anger.) At some point I just decided to get on and do as they asked (hide everything relating disability from them). It works okay. It is very helpful to have other people in life you can talk about this stuff openly. And to me it's very helpful to have also PWD in my life who tell me it's okay to be a dev. But this is probably just to cover the insecurities this whole thing created in me. I think I've also created a barrier between me and my family to protect me from further pain. If they would make any such comment again, I would probably be able to ignore it. It's still sad, because, as many of you said, the relationship between parents and children is a special and valuable one.
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