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Post by Braced4Impact on Apr 21, 2020 13:42:21 GMT -5
Let's hypothetically say (or perhaps you are) searching for a PWD relationship, but you haven't found any luck. Do you have a cutoff point, like "this isn't working, I guess I'll go back to AB's," do you continue searching endlessly hoping that will change, or do you just give up on the dating process altogether and figure you're not going to find a PWD who you would click with. I'm guessing this would be more of an issue for people in countries with less PWDs or social acceptance of such relationships, but could equally be just as likely in any circumstance. Just curious. Maybe this isn't even an issue, like there are so many PWDs either IRL or online that you have no problem finding them.
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Post by lisa on Apr 21, 2020 14:45:43 GMT -5
Maybe this isn't even an issue, like there are so many PWDs either IRL or online that you have no problem finding them. Maybe I'm not the best person to answer this question, because I'm not really looking for a relationship, but still. It is an issue. At least for me. Yes, I do meet a few PWD (almost exclusively online, I'm much too shy for turning IRL chance encounters into some sort of personal relationship). In about ten years now that I've been more or less visible as a dev in the online world, there were only a few disabled guys who I would actually consider dating. This is mostly because in general there aren't that many. Those who I get to know usually live hundreds of miles away, even if they are from the same country as I am. A second reason, especially recently (and I think other devs have similar experiences), is that many guys aren't as okay with devs as they think they are in the first place. As soon as it's visible that there is more to it than "Great, she thinks I'm hot", they either disappear, start fights about it or make snarky comments. And hiding my devness or suppressing it - nope, I won't go down that road again. At one point in my life I did decide to give up. I noticed that my attraction just isn't compatible with what I want in a relationship and didn't know how to solve this dilemma. Well, now that some years have passed I have a bit of a different take on it, especially considering the fact that my devness is quite strong at times. AB men just never really manage to keep me interested sexually in the long run. Well, obviously I haven't given up on PWDs completely :D. I have already stated this elsewhere, but here it goes again: Not being able to fulfill the devness does give me some despair at times. I turned 30 some weeks ago and I had a moderate mental crisis because I noticed that I haven't gotten anywhere with my devness. This resulted in a few desperate und unsuccesful attempts of changing that about which I want to cast a veil of silence (and shame) :D.
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Post by Braced4Impact on Apr 21, 2020 15:12:02 GMT -5
Maybe this isn't even an issue, like there are so many PWDs either IRL or online that you have no problem finding them. Maybe I'm not the best person to answer this question, because I'm not really looking for a relationship, but still. It is an issue. At least for me. Yes, I do meet a few PWD (almost exclusively online, I'm much too shy for turning IRL chance encounters into some sort of personal relationship). In about ten years now that I've been more or less visible as a dev in the online world, there were only a few disabled guys who I would actually consider dating. This is mostly because in general there aren't that many. Those who I get to know usually live hundreds of miles away, even if they are from the same country as I am. A second reason, especially recently (and I think other devs have similar experiences), is that many guys aren't as okay with devs as they think they are in the first place. As soon as it's visible that there is more to it than "Great, she thinks I'm hot", they either disappear, start fights about it or make snarky comments. And hiding my devness or suppressing it - nope, I won't go down that road again. At one point in my life I did decide to give up. I noticed that my attraction just isn't compatible with what I want in a relationship and didn't know how to solve this dilemma. Well, now that some years have passed I have a bit of a different take on it, especially considering the fact that my devness is quite strong at times. AB men just never really manage to keep me interested sexually in the long run. Well, obviously I haven't given up on PWDs completely . I have already stated this elsewhere, but here it goes again: Not being able to fulfill the devness does give me some despair at times. I turned 30 some weeks ago and I had a moderate mental crisis because I noticed that I haven't gotten anywhere with my devness. This resulted in a few desperate und unsuccesful attempts of changing that about which I want to cast a veil of silence (and shame) . Thank you for your heartfelt and thorough explanation, Lisa. I certainly meant no disrespect with the question, and it's just out of curiosity. I certainly hope you do find a great PWD in your life that lets you explore all aspects of your devness and you two can grow together.
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Post by ContingentlyComposite on Apr 21, 2020 15:15:28 GMT -5
I personally never really considered actively searching for a PWD to date, mostly because I wasn't really sure how to go about it. Quick google searches in the past led me to believe there were no functional disability dating sites, and I almost never really cross PWD in real life, or on OkCupid (the only online dating site I can tolerate). Factoring in that I'm sort of an odd duck and I don't connect on the level I'm looking for with most people, I just assumed there was almost zero chance I'd meet a PWD I'd want to date. That fact has never much bothered me though, to be honest. I might find PWD hot, but I find AB men hot too. And while I'm not going to live out any dev fantasies with AB men, I actually don't think I'd be living out those fantasies with PWD either. Some things that seems hot in the fantasy world you slip into alone in bed at 2am and only half conscious just aren't especially hot or arousing when you're actually experiencing them in real life with a real person. That's not to say I wouldn't find sex with a PWD who is also a great match for me slightly more satisfying. I really don't know if it would be more satisfying or not. I suspect, however, that the relationship and the sex would be much the same as with an AB person, at least once the initial excitement of a new partner wears off and it's just you and that very familiar person you love.
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Post by newjess on Apr 21, 2020 16:39:23 GMT -5
Braced4Impact it's a good question. Ive honestly done all 3 of the things you mentioned. I definitely got to the point where I just gave up on dating PWD and tried dating AB guys again. It's not the same for me, but I'm still figuring out if it is something that can satisfy me enough or not. I eventually dated PWD again, but after a few years of all this Ive gotten to the point now where Ive taken a break from dating completely. It's been several months now and I'm in a good place with it. Im not completely closed off but I'm not actively looking for it I essentially realized that it is probably very unlikely that I will find a person that really is truly compatible with my attractions, my preferences, my lifestyle, my physical and mental health, personality, distance, goals, etc. I mean, I have a lot of complicated things that can make dating difficult. I don't want kids, I have a severe anxiety disorder, I like to move around and experience new places, and on top of that I have these specific sexual preferences that narrow things down even further. Then there's my own unresolved issues with being a dev and dating I'm still working through, mainly the inevitability of it being exposed (and largely misunderstood) when there's the obvious trend. After a lot of agony and pain and heartbreak, I finally got to a place where I am just kinda okay with not doing that for a while. Just living life and doing my own thing. Im not going to act like it doesn't feel lonely, empty, dull, etc sometimes. But I've learned now how to just kind of feel those feelings and accept them. I have no idea what's in store but that's where I am now at least lol
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Post by myrrh on Apr 21, 2020 17:23:37 GMT -5
I keep my eyes and ears open to the universe. I couldn't do anything you mentioned without giving up on my maximum receptiveness thing.
So I try to keep it away from "fuck men," and more towards "fuck that man in particular."
Pop psychology generally isn't my jam, but I remember hearing once that people who feel lucky do tend to have better "luck." This wasn't because they're more likely to come across a $20 on the ground but they're more likely to see the $20 on the ground. I see myself as lucky.
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Post by newjess on Apr 21, 2020 17:50:55 GMT -5
myrrh I totally agree and your post prompted me to clarify a couple of things I stopped dating PWD before for some time because of my own stuff around society's misconceptions and negative feelings toward devs. Because I know I have unresolved issues around it and dating magnified those feelings. But at the end of the day, my preference would be ending up with a PWD. It's just really complicated navigating through all that stuff when there's another person being affected by it too. It's easier when it's just you and your own stuff. I also do still feel hopeful that one day something will be "right" and compatible and all those things. Ive just gotten to the point now where I'm okay with not actively seeking it out, with being single and living my own life, without feeling like I NEED to be in a relationship to be a valid person or to have a fulfilling life. That I'm very particular and complex and it might take some time to find that "rightness", but that's okay, because i can be whole without a relationship. Getting there was definitely a process for me
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Post by pam on Apr 21, 2020 18:18:11 GMT -5
I have never pursued a PWD because, as I've said before, I thought I was crazy and was the only one who felt that way. If for some reason I had to start dating again, I think I would try finding a compatible PWD for a while, let's say maybe a year. That's just a rough estimate. If things didnt work out after this estimated time, I can see myself getting depressed and giving up and dating an AB. Knowing myself, I would figure it was hopeless at least for a while. Then after I had got over feeling sorry for myself, I might try again. It would be interesting to see what would actually happen.
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Post by myrrh on Apr 21, 2020 18:24:36 GMT -5
newjess I totally agree that this stuff is indescribably complicated. And I agree that one really has to be ok with being alone, I mean, otherwise bad relationships are going to be preferable to silence, and that's toxic. Being lucky doesn't mean I haven't spent my fair share of days laying on my bed, staring and the ceiling and ugly crying. I feel like Braced4Impact is presenting things in a binary way. Not only does that not translate to my worldview, it's something I actively oppose. We're living through a million tiny dice rolls every second. The probability of that big win is pretty low, but it just absolutely does not make sense to me to just be like "nah I don't want to keep rolling." Directing your energy elsewhere is fine, I mean it's probably healthier to put yourself and your goals/hobbies/time first. But like.... don't just shut the door. And for some levity, here's actual footage of the Fates trying to fuck with me and my love life.
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Post by newjess on Apr 21, 2020 18:47:25 GMT -5
OMG myrrh I. am. crying. That video + your commentary is so accurate I can't even lol. Thank you for that And I couldn't agree more. I too am all about keeping the door open to possibilities. It took me some time to figure out how to let that door stay open but let go of the compulsion and verification seeking, yada yada Totally unrelated but when I saw that robot video a while back I felt sad for the robot. Like I rationally knew that I shouldn't and that I was anthropomorphizing but I just felt it lol. But oh man when I watched it just now with the myrrh spin on it I laughed so freaking hard
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Post by Dr. BiPAP Sachin on Apr 21, 2020 19:04:27 GMT -5
To the devs here, I'm no dating expert. All I can say is that y'all just keep on rolling that proverbial dice, 'cause you never know where you might land.
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Post by Braced4Impact on Apr 21, 2020 20:56:05 GMT -5
Thanks all, these were interesting responses, and I appreciate them all. I certainly wish the best to everyone here, whether they've already found someone, are seeking someone, or are content with things as they are, keep rocking.
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Post by myrrh on Apr 21, 2020 21:07:57 GMT -5
Back at you, amigo!
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Post by someonerandom on Apr 21, 2020 21:11:01 GMT -5
Good thread, it’s been a while since we had a good dev thread. Thanks for making it Braced, and thanks to the people who posted.
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Post by rebeckers84 on Apr 21, 2020 22:53:47 GMT -5
I just keep all my dating options open. I’m on alllllll the wretched dating sites. Most of them I veeeery rarely come across a pwd. Okcupid let’s you put in the keyword search so I use that and I’ll see new guys pop up on there occasionally but they’re usually not too close. There have been some that I’ve messaged anyway and we’ve chatted. A couple I still keep in touch with but long distance “relationships” are rough. I’m on D4D but that site is a hot f’n mess, ugh. And I do enjoy talking to guys from here too but again the distance thing is mostly the hang up. That and well a lot of guys just disappear.
I figure until I find “the one” I’m not giving up one way another. Never know I suppose.
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