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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2020 23:51:45 GMT -5
I am just looking for NSA, FWB or just friendship with a PWD close to where I live to explore my devness, not necessarily sexual, which is a "No go" in itself for lots of guys. There are various additional factors that play into this and make it basically impossible to find someone who matches what I am looking for. And I am not actively seeking it out, because I am content and happy with my life as it is. So in the long run, it will probably never happen for me, but I keep my eyes and mind open. I just turned 49 and I still want to do lots of things, it would be nice to explore my devness with someone if it's meant to be. If not, oh well...hopefully I won't regret when on my death bed one day 😉
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Post by devogirl on Apr 22, 2020 3:35:56 GMT -5
many guys aren't as okay with devs as they think they are in the first place. As soon as it's visible that there is more to it than "Great, she thinks I'm hot", they either disappear, start fights about it or make snarky comments. ^^^^ So much this. I never had trouble meeting guys but this was always a problem. Guys who lied to me or lied to themselves, then start in with the passive-agressive digs. So many guys (and devs!) think that a relationship based on dev attraction is somehow not "real" or legitimate.
On the flip side, I tried way too many times to force a relationship with a guy I was not compatible with. It's easy to find PWDs, the hard part is finding someone who also shares your interests, and is at the same stage of life.
Oh no lisa it's ok! I didn't really get anywhere with my devness until I was in my 30s. I know it seems like a lot of other people have their lives together before 30, but first, many of the people I know who got married in their 20s later got divorced, and second, if you have any kind of unusual desire, it takes longer to figure yourself out. You'll get there! Don't be so hard on yourself.
As for the original question, I do think any dev who wants a relationship should make an effort to meet PWDs even if it doesn't work out. I periodically decided I was only going to date PWDs but in reality I dated AB guys as well. Life is messy and complicated, and finding a partner is partly just random chance.
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Post by Braced4Impact on Apr 22, 2020 7:42:42 GMT -5
many guys aren't as okay with devs as they think they are in the first place. As soon as it's visible that there is more to it than "Great, she thinks I'm hot", they either disappear, start fights about it or make snarky comments. ^^^^ So much this. I never had trouble meeting guys but this was always a problem. Guys who lied to me or lied to themselves, then start in with the passive-agressive digs. So many guys (and devs!) think that a relationship based on dev attraction is somehow not "real" or legitimate.
On the flip side, I tried way too many times to force a relationship with a guy I was not compatible with. It's easy to find PWDs, the hard part is finding someone who also shares your interests, and is at the same stage of life.
Oh no lisa it's ok! I didn't really get anywhere with my devness until I was in my 30s. I know it seems like a lot of other people have their lives together before 30, but first, many of the people I know who got married in their 20s later got divorced, and second, if you have any kind of unusual desire, it takes longer to figure yourself out. You'll get there! Don't be so hard on yourself.
As for the original question, I do think any dev who wants a relationship should make an effort to meet PWDs even if it doesn't work out. I periodically decided I was only going to date PWDs but in reality I dated AB guys as well. Life is messy and complicated, and finding a partner is partly just random chance.
Lol, so true, DG. I'm 39 and still haven't got mine together, romance-wise at least, lol.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2020 19:33:59 GMT -5
I realised i was attracted to pwd's from a young age but lived somewhere that i'd never even seen a pwd so the option of dating wasnt there. I married, divorced and dated AB until i was 46 years old, then actively joined pwd dating sites and decided id wasted too many years pretending to be average. I met my current partner (paraplegic) and although the relationship is rather on/off i can say i will never date an AB again. Im just so sorry that i wasted so many years. Its very freeing to be honest with yourself and put your desires first.
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Post by feelsunshine on Apr 23, 2020 16:38:44 GMT -5
A couple of months ago, I said to myself I won’t date anyone unless it’s a para. I’m going on a date tomorrow with an AB guy. That’s how well my plans worked out LOL. sorry if I hijack this thread just a little bit: question for those devs who are in AB relationships - does your partner know about your devness? If so, at what point of time did you tell them? Maybe this has already been discussed earlier. If so, sorry and I don’t remember.
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Post by rebeckers84 on Apr 24, 2020 0:06:15 GMT -5
A couple of months ago, I said to myself I won’t date anyone unless it’s a para. I’m going on a date tomorrow with an AB guy. That’s how well my plans worked out LOL. sorry if I hijack this thread just a little bit: question for those devs who are in AB relationships - does your partner know about your devness? If so, at what point of time did you tell them? Maybe this has already been discussed earlier. If so, sorry and I don’t remember. I’m not in a relationship at the moment but any past relationships I have never told an AB about being a dev.
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Post by devogirl on Apr 24, 2020 0:24:11 GMT -5
question for those devs who are in AB relationships - does your partner know about your devness? If so, at what point of time did you tell them?
I did tell AB partners when it got serious. My rule of thumb is that about 3 months into a relationship it's time to be up front about major life choices: having kids or not, career path, any kinks or preferences. I told my husband back when we were dating and he was fine with it. Your partner will follow your lead: don't introduce it as a tragedy or shameful flaw. It's just something unusual that is part of what makes you who you are. I know it's scary to tell a partner and risk them reacting badly, but it's better to know early on. You don't want to be with someone who can't accept this part of you.
Of course it's a different story for devs who got married before becoming self-aware, but if you're just starting a new relationship, it's always better to discuss it early.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2020 0:58:14 GMT -5
A couple of months ago, I said to myself I won’t date anyone unless it’s a para. I’m going on a date tomorrow with an AB guy. That’s how well my plans worked out LOL. sorry if I hijack this thread just a little bit: question for those devs who are in AB relationships - does your partner know about your devness? If so, at what point of time did you tell them? Maybe this has already been discussed earlier. If so, sorry and I don’t remember. My husband knows everything about my devness. When we first got married, I didn't know about being a dev...it was a different time, so I have no idea how this would have been, if I would have known back then. I probably wouldn't even be with my husband, I really don't know though... I couldn't imagine having this big part of myself hidden or secret though. I am a horrible liar and since being a dev is such a big part of my identity, I felt it was very important to let him know. It has been a good thing for us and he is supportive. I agree with devogirl on how to approach this situation with a new relationship with an AB guy
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Post by strawberrybubblegum on Apr 24, 2020 8:47:58 GMT -5
Yes, my partner knows and we discussed this rather early, just a month after meeting. My AB ex before him also knew and I also told him very early. I also cannot imagine hiding this part of me, even though I lately don’t necessarily feel it’s such a big part of me or my life anymore.
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Post by ContingentlyComposite on Apr 24, 2020 11:36:28 GMT -5
A couple of months ago, I said to myself I won’t date anyone unless it’s a para. I’m going on a date tomorrow with an AB guy. That’s how well my plans worked out LOL. sorry if I hijack this thread just a little bit: question for those devs who are in AB relationships - does your partner know about your devness? If so, at what point of time did you tell them? Maybe this has already been discussed earlier. If so, sorry and I don’t remember. I'm not in a relationship at the moment, but I've been in several long-term AB relationships and never discussed my devness with any of them. While I think it's really important to be completely open and honest with your partner, I never felt like I was failing in that regard by not sharing about my devness. I think the reasons are two-fold. (1) I don't think my devness is a big deal or a big part of who I am. In fact I'd say it's not a part of my identity at all. I think quite a lot of people have some unusual sexual desire of some kind, and it's totally okay to keep some sexual thoughts and desires you have private. There's no reason to share, and you probably don't share, many of the thoughts that cross your mind. Maybe this is just really salient to me because I have an anxiety disorder and I spend a lot of time worrying about random weird things other people don't. I don't feel the need to share with my partner that I've spent a weird amount of time thinking about whether the disintegrating plastic coating on the surface of my desk is exposing me to carcinogenic chemicals, for example. They're just some thoughts I had that aren't important. (2) I've never actually been able to orgasm with any AB partner, and I wouldn't want them to blame that on my devness and feel inadequate or undesirable in some way. (I really don't think this has to do with my devness. I think I'm just a very sensitive/anxious/over-thinking person and need an unusually high degree of emotional connection and comfort with someone to be able to relax enough to "let go." But I don't know, it could be related.)
I might tell a partner if I felt confident they would receive it well, or if they revealed to me that they themselves have an unusual kink of some kind, but in general I feel no pressure to tell them. I will say that since I discovered PD a couple weeks ago I've been thinking about my devness a lot more than I ever have, and whether I've unduly minimized it's significance. I now wonder if maybe I should share about it more with others, if I'm doing some kind of disservice to myself by keeping it private. Maybe there's some shame causing me to keep it private that I haven't yet fully acknowledged. I'd like to think I'm on way to figuring these things out now!
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Post by pam on Apr 24, 2020 13:48:35 GMT -5
A couple of months ago, I said to myself I won’t date anyone unless it’s a para. I’m going on a date tomorrow with an AB guy. That’s how well my plans worked out LOL. sorry if I hijack this thread just a little bit: question for those devs who are in AB relationships - does your partner know about your devness? If so, at what point of time did you tell them? Maybe this has already been discussed earlier. If so, sorry and I don’t remember. I have never told anyone else I was a dev. Even if I was dating, dont know if I would. It would depend on the person I suppose.
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Post by Braced4Impact on Apr 24, 2020 13:50:04 GMT -5
A couple of months ago, I said to myself I won’t date anyone unless it’s a para. I’m going on a date tomorrow with an AB guy. That’s how well my plans worked out LOL. sorry if I hijack this thread just a little bit: question for those devs who are in AB relationships - does your partner know about your devness? If so, at what point of time did you tell them? Maybe this has already been discussed earlier. If so, sorry and I don’t remember. I have never told anyone else I was a dev. Even if I was dating, dont know if I would. It would depend on the person I suppose. Out of curiosity, if you met a PWD who was open to devs, what kind of interactions would you have with him regarding your devness?
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Post by pam on Apr 24, 2020 14:01:58 GMT -5
I dont know. If I knew he was open to devs, then I assume I had been talking to him. That wound mean we were maybe friends. Since I'm married, that's about the only interaction I could have. I would definitely like to be friends and go places with him, talk about whatever he wanted to. Is that what you meant? Or were you thinking of something else?
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Post by Braced4Impact on Apr 24, 2020 14:10:53 GMT -5
I dont know. If I knew he was open to devs, then I assume I had been talking to him. That wound mean we were maybe friends. Since I'm married, that's about the only interaction I could have. I would definitely like to be friends and go places with him, talk about whatever he wanted to. Is that what you meant? Or were you thinking of something else? Well hypothetically, if in another life you were single, and that situation happened, I'm curious how you'd handle it.
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Post by pam on Apr 24, 2020 14:16:54 GMT -5
In my dreams, we would get to know each other, I would tell him how handsome and cool he is, and wait to see if he liked me and would ask me out. Texting would be my most likely contact, I'm too shy to call and start talking with a potential boyfriend lol
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