So, it's been about three weeks...
Jun 28, 2020 19:39:02 GMT -5
Emma, blueskye101, and 13 more like this
Post by gin on Jun 28, 2020 19:39:02 GMT -5
...since I visited this place for the first time, and I'd like to share a little about my experience so far.
I'm not sure what I expected when I came here, but this is one of the more kind-hearted places on the internet for sure
During the last weeks I exchanged quite a few messages with some of you guys (male and female) and was even fortunate enough to meet some (very lovely!) people irl. I also browsed the board for a while – but let's be honest – I ain't gonna read through almost 200k posts, or even half/a quarter of that... Yet, I had pretty much all of my general questions (very patiently) answered, and I understand there's a wide range of opinions (and individual preferences/backgrounds) out there (which I didn't expect in the beginning) – but still some common grounds. This is really a kinda (very positively) weird secret-society-ish "subculture" you've been building here (also considering the extensive collection of art/stories), and I appreciate that I had been invited to become a (tiny) part of it, or get a few glimpses at the very least. I also write this as kind of a testimony, with all anonymous lurkers out there in mind. I'm curious by nature, and I didn't only learn about this peculiar phenomenon, but also quite a bit about myself! So, this has been a very special trip, and I'd recommend it to anyone who's still undecided whether it's worth joining or not
I don't want this post to become too long-ish (also I'm a little short on time, respectively gettin tired), but I'd like to point out one specific aspect, with regards to my very own story and experiences. (Rambly 'wall of text' incoming – but it all belongs together to some degree...)
Over the years I've had several conversations about the topic of AB/PWD-relationships. Even medical personel told me, after working in the field for quite a while and witnessing a lot, most of the time it's either all about some kind of "helper syndrome" being involved, or something as mundane as (financial) security. (There's some people making four grand a month, just by sitting around – so make sure to have all your serious accidents happen at work, and live in a country with appropriate laws and insuarance, lol.) I'm being dead serious, though. This is (apparantly) what most people dealing with PWD on a professional level think about the subject. Of course there is couples who endure such an incident (and they don't really "count", because they did form as AB/AB in the first place), but I also know sad stories about long-term (supposedly) deep relationships ending in a matter of weeks or months afterwards. I feel like most "educated" talk about the topic is given from a "technical" perspective only. "There is this pill, and that pill.., ohh, and we also have some cushions specifically designed for intercourse! Would you like a swing with that?" It's quite ridiculous. Apart from that you can't really expect anything (useful) besides platitudes and "truisms."
A certain psychologist working frequently with SCI-patient explanied to me it's an all-time classic for a (high-ish) quad male to magically meet a single mother and marry her. She'd be mostly "done" with her own life and sexual exploration, mainly cares about the children (so there's little time for traveling the world anyways), prioritizes emotional support, and perhaps even likes the idea of him being more unlikely to cheat on her. I found this statement to be borderline offensive, but I couldn't really come up with a different perspective, besides they could've fallen in love naturally like everyone else. But I reckon some pragmatism is always involved when it comes to long-term relationships. Maybe she was having a crush on a very successful guy working in international trade, and he liked her back, but she decided against him, since he would never be at home. You get the idea.
So, I've always had this notion in the back of my head, that if someone falls for me, and actually wants to stay, she'd probably come with some kinda "shady" or questionable motives attached to her. I wouldn't really mind this "helper syndrome" kinda stuff, and I know it is (oftentimes mistakenly) associated with devness, but I guess there's way better candidates than me, to satisfy that need of being supportive in an unsual/intensive way – and I'm not particularly wealthy or anything, so notorious "gold diggers" are out of luck, too. That being said, I came to conclude it'd either be True Love™, or a matter of convenience/fear of rejection/loss. Love is always an option, I believe, but talking about (sexual) relationships, physical attraction is really important, for obvious reasons. Now, interestingly enough, I have almost exclusively had guys compliment me on my looks, or try and "flirt" with me. Which I don't feel weirded out by at all, btw, and I sometimes jokingly pity myself for not being gay, but it's been like that for all my life. There have been some rather meaningless (yet enjoyable) encounters with the opposite sex, and a kinda half-baked romance even, but usually I'm instantly "friend-zoned" by any woman I get to know. (Which is not too bad I assume, since I like being friends with women – and I've sometimes had this feeling they might be more open or willing to trust me, because they perceive me as some kind of asexual being, or whatever. Also I don't develop romantic interest easily or very often, so the accounts of actual heartbreak have been really only quite a few.) But it somehow stuck to me. Eventually I had almost given up on the idea of ever being with a significant other, until this girl walked into my life... (You didn't see that coming, did you?)
She had a background of rather unhealthy relationships and some bad stuff happen to her lately. Now, I'd really like to cut this short, but I'm pretty sure we'd never ended up together if it weren't for her recent struggle. The moment she felt comfortable being intimate again and gained some confidence (which I put quite a lot of work into) she decided a para no longer suits her needs, and dumped me. I was suspicious of something like that happening for as long as this relationship was "in development", and I wasn't really mad at her, because she explained to me (quite unempathically, but still) why this is not going to work anymore. Needless to say though, I was heartbroken af, also because I lost a dear and trusted friend along the way, and I've witnessed all my doubts and fears become reality. It truly wasn't easy for me to engage in this story in the first place, but she somehow managed to convince me this was going to be serious. I (figuratively speaking) have beaten up myself badly for even trying, for a very long time, because I felt I have really caused a lot of unnecessary harm to myself by attempting to meet her expectations. Suddenly I was really disturbed again (internally), because I might indeed be somehow "undateable" –which didn't really bother me anymore, prior to meeting her. My life was going great, I'd still have years to find out whether someone exists who would find it enjoyable to partake in it to a larger extent, and I was really at peace with being rather "undesired" for the time being. She turned everything upside down, also because I had finally gotten a pretty decent idea about what I'm actually "missing out" on. I'm glad I could help her overcome some rather dark chapters in her past, but I payed the price for playing the white knight, I guess.
This uneasy feeling declined over time, but I've been really afraid it would haunt me for ages to come. Also I've grown somewhat wary whenever a girl approached me, because I wouldn't like to see history repeat itself. The reason I'm telling you all of this, is because PD helped me a lot in getting rid of it. I'm finally getting this easygoing vibe back, comparable to the period immediately before we got to meet each other, on this special plane. It's not merely about "body positivity" or something, but I've had some rather deep conversations and (somewhat) profound insights about sexuality, and the workings of the human mind in general – besides being confronted with some of my own misconceptions or lack of understanding, which is always a good thing. So, above all, this post is meant to be a very cheerful "Thank you!!! <3" to everyone who has invested some time talking to me, or being the author of some of the entries I stumbled upon. This has been huuuuge for me, and I figured I'm obliged to share my feelings with you guys, so here you go.
I'm not sure about how much I'll be hanging around, but I guess I'll try and pay you a visit every once in a while to read (and maybe comment on) some of the recent threads.
Take care everyone, and enjoy summer
(or "winter" if that's where you're at...)
I'm not sure what I expected when I came here, but this is one of the more kind-hearted places on the internet for sure
During the last weeks I exchanged quite a few messages with some of you guys (male and female) and was even fortunate enough to meet some (very lovely!) people irl. I also browsed the board for a while – but let's be honest – I ain't gonna read through almost 200k posts, or even half/a quarter of that... Yet, I had pretty much all of my general questions (very patiently) answered, and I understand there's a wide range of opinions (and individual preferences/backgrounds) out there (which I didn't expect in the beginning) – but still some common grounds. This is really a kinda (very positively) weird secret-society-ish "subculture" you've been building here (also considering the extensive collection of art/stories), and I appreciate that I had been invited to become a (tiny) part of it, or get a few glimpses at the very least. I also write this as kind of a testimony, with all anonymous lurkers out there in mind. I'm curious by nature, and I didn't only learn about this peculiar phenomenon, but also quite a bit about myself! So, this has been a very special trip, and I'd recommend it to anyone who's still undecided whether it's worth joining or not
I don't want this post to become too long-ish (also I'm a little short on time, respectively gettin tired), but I'd like to point out one specific aspect, with regards to my very own story and experiences. (Rambly 'wall of text' incoming – but it all belongs together to some degree...)
Over the years I've had several conversations about the topic of AB/PWD-relationships. Even medical personel told me, after working in the field for quite a while and witnessing a lot, most of the time it's either all about some kind of "helper syndrome" being involved, or something as mundane as (financial) security. (There's some people making four grand a month, just by sitting around – so make sure to have all your serious accidents happen at work, and live in a country with appropriate laws and insuarance, lol.) I'm being dead serious, though. This is (apparantly) what most people dealing with PWD on a professional level think about the subject. Of course there is couples who endure such an incident (and they don't really "count", because they did form as AB/AB in the first place), but I also know sad stories about long-term (supposedly) deep relationships ending in a matter of weeks or months afterwards. I feel like most "educated" talk about the topic is given from a "technical" perspective only. "There is this pill, and that pill.., ohh, and we also have some cushions specifically designed for intercourse! Would you like a swing with that?" It's quite ridiculous. Apart from that you can't really expect anything (useful) besides platitudes and "truisms."
A certain psychologist working frequently with SCI-patient explanied to me it's an all-time classic for a (high-ish) quad male to magically meet a single mother and marry her. She'd be mostly "done" with her own life and sexual exploration, mainly cares about the children (so there's little time for traveling the world anyways), prioritizes emotional support, and perhaps even likes the idea of him being more unlikely to cheat on her. I found this statement to be borderline offensive, but I couldn't really come up with a different perspective, besides they could've fallen in love naturally like everyone else. But I reckon some pragmatism is always involved when it comes to long-term relationships. Maybe she was having a crush on a very successful guy working in international trade, and he liked her back, but she decided against him, since he would never be at home. You get the idea.
So, I've always had this notion in the back of my head, that if someone falls for me, and actually wants to stay, she'd probably come with some kinda "shady" or questionable motives attached to her. I wouldn't really mind this "helper syndrome" kinda stuff, and I know it is (oftentimes mistakenly) associated with devness, but I guess there's way better candidates than me, to satisfy that need of being supportive in an unsual/intensive way – and I'm not particularly wealthy or anything, so notorious "gold diggers" are out of luck, too. That being said, I came to conclude it'd either be True Love™, or a matter of convenience/fear of rejection/loss. Love is always an option, I believe, but talking about (sexual) relationships, physical attraction is really important, for obvious reasons. Now, interestingly enough, I have almost exclusively had guys compliment me on my looks, or try and "flirt" with me. Which I don't feel weirded out by at all, btw, and I sometimes jokingly pity myself for not being gay, but it's been like that for all my life. There have been some rather meaningless (yet enjoyable) encounters with the opposite sex, and a kinda half-baked romance even, but usually I'm instantly "friend-zoned" by any woman I get to know. (Which is not too bad I assume, since I like being friends with women – and I've sometimes had this feeling they might be more open or willing to trust me, because they perceive me as some kind of asexual being, or whatever. Also I don't develop romantic interest easily or very often, so the accounts of actual heartbreak have been really only quite a few.) But it somehow stuck to me. Eventually I had almost given up on the idea of ever being with a significant other, until this girl walked into my life... (You didn't see that coming, did you?)
She had a background of rather unhealthy relationships and some bad stuff happen to her lately. Now, I'd really like to cut this short, but I'm pretty sure we'd never ended up together if it weren't for her recent struggle. The moment she felt comfortable being intimate again and gained some confidence (which I put quite a lot of work into) she decided a para no longer suits her needs, and dumped me. I was suspicious of something like that happening for as long as this relationship was "in development", and I wasn't really mad at her, because she explained to me (quite unempathically, but still) why this is not going to work anymore. Needless to say though, I was heartbroken af, also because I lost a dear and trusted friend along the way, and I've witnessed all my doubts and fears become reality. It truly wasn't easy for me to engage in this story in the first place, but she somehow managed to convince me this was going to be serious. I (figuratively speaking) have beaten up myself badly for even trying, for a very long time, because I felt I have really caused a lot of unnecessary harm to myself by attempting to meet her expectations. Suddenly I was really disturbed again (internally), because I might indeed be somehow "undateable" –which didn't really bother me anymore, prior to meeting her. My life was going great, I'd still have years to find out whether someone exists who would find it enjoyable to partake in it to a larger extent, and I was really at peace with being rather "undesired" for the time being. She turned everything upside down, also because I had finally gotten a pretty decent idea about what I'm actually "missing out" on. I'm glad I could help her overcome some rather dark chapters in her past, but I payed the price for playing the white knight, I guess.
This uneasy feeling declined over time, but I've been really afraid it would haunt me for ages to come. Also I've grown somewhat wary whenever a girl approached me, because I wouldn't like to see history repeat itself. The reason I'm telling you all of this, is because PD helped me a lot in getting rid of it. I'm finally getting this easygoing vibe back, comparable to the period immediately before we got to meet each other, on this special plane. It's not merely about "body positivity" or something, but I've had some rather deep conversations and (somewhat) profound insights about sexuality, and the workings of the human mind in general – besides being confronted with some of my own misconceptions or lack of understanding, which is always a good thing. So, above all, this post is meant to be a very cheerful "Thank you!!! <3" to everyone who has invested some time talking to me, or being the author of some of the entries I stumbled upon. This has been huuuuge for me, and I figured I'm obliged to share my feelings with you guys, so here you go.
I'm not sure about how much I'll be hanging around, but I guess I'll try and pay you a visit every once in a while to read (and maybe comment on) some of the recent threads.
Take care everyone, and enjoy summer
(or "winter" if that's where you're at...)
