Dealing With Rejection

[usdragon]

I don’t have a problem with being rejected. It’s something that happens. Normally, I am rejected by non-devs. For some reason, being rejected by devs hurts more than others. I get it, everyone is complex and, honestly, I’m not that special. Just wondering how my fellow PWDs deal with rejection here and in other places. Normally, I can put everything behind me, because I never expect much. For a time, I just expected that no one would ever want to be with me. Almost hurts worse to be rejected here. Correction: it does hurt worse to be rejected here.

Anyway, just want to know how other PWDs deal with rejection on PD. It’s my guess is that it is my fault, and I need to rethink my expectations. Tell me if I’m wrong and give advice on how to deal.

[someonerandom]

Hmm. Everyone is different, and plus I don’t know you, so I can’t speak to your situation. I can speak to my own though.

I’m always busy on dating apps, so I experience rejection constantly, like daily. Most often it’s in the form of non-response, or “ghosting”. Sometimes I have been rejected after face-to-face on a first date. Most commonly it is some variety of “I didn’t feel a connection”, or non-response/lackluster response.

When that happens I figure it wasn’t a good match so I look for another one. If I felt I did something wrong then I would adjust my behavior next time. Normally I don’t feel like I did anything wrong though, so it simply means not a good match. I like people who are into me. If someone’s not into me then I look elsewhere.

I have done some rejections myself, and most recently a woman I rejected to her face saying I didn’t feel a connection (she wanted to hang out again). She got really insecure and asked me the thing you said: “what did I do wrong?” I was like, you didn’t do anything wrong I’m just not feeling it. She kept persisting and I was like yo, I don’t owe you a damn explanation. Move on please.

So I would never ask someone “why” or “what did I do wrong”. That’s what I would do if I were insecure. If someone ain’t feelin it they ain’t feelin it.

I don’t know why it would be worse if it’s a dev. I think a dev rejection is the same as another rejection.

Sometimes it does hurt if there are a lot of bad rejections in a row. But that’s just the pain that comes along with the pleasure.

[missparkle]

Jul 31, 2020 0:25:53 GMT -5 someonerandom said:

I don’t know why it would be worse if it’s a dev. I think a dev rejection is the same as another rejection.

I think I understand where usdragon is coming from, but I can easily be wrong.
When rejected we all try to find explanations, for our own sake, to put our minds at ease. Dealing with non-devs, I guess you came to terms with the fact that disability simply can be "too much to handle" for some people. And although in some cases it may not be the reason for rejection at all, subconsciously you have that "explanation" for yourself, you are simply "used to" it.

Now, you have a dev, which is, by definition, attracted to disability part of you. Her rejection means there is something else about you that it's not "good enough" for her, that even disability doesn't compensate. And you are not "used to" that.

Personally, being a dev, I am also hurt more being rejected by PWD, than AB guy. There are at least two reasons for that. First, I'd like that my attraction to his disability is very attractive for him. Now, with that assumption, if I get rejected, I have to deal with the fact that the rest of my personality is not "good enough" for him. And it sucks. LOL 😂 The other, more important reason is that in a relationship with PWD, I'm emotionally deeper into it, my expectations are higher, I dream bigger, I'm engaged more. Force landing from that heights without parachute hurts pretty badly! Ouch 😂

My own strategy for coping is that I know I didn't "do" anything wrong. I'm just being good old me, with all my virtues and flaws, and if it's not "good enough" for someone, I'd better find that out sooner than later. Next, please! 😂

I do blame myself for one thing though, allowing myself to dream too big with PWD, when there isn't enough rational ground for it.

[Inkdevil]

Really, you should be hurt less by a Dev rejection, because you can strike disability off the list of things that person is rejecting you for. That means you are on a more level playing field and you are being rejected for a reason that an AB/AB match would fail.

That being said, rejection just hurts, full stop. It takes a lot of self confidence to not feel the sting, but you can and will get over it. It’s not that you weren’t good enough, you just weren’t a good match. You have to keep on looking to find someone who fits with you. It’s not easy. Sometimes it doesn’t happen for weeks, months, years. Or at all.

I hope you can lick your wounds and move forward. What didn’t happen, didn’t happen for a reason. Good luck.

[David]

Being rejected by a Devotee doesnt mean automatically it is because of your personality or your looks. It could als be because you dont have the disability the devotee desires, you live to far away or the devotee has another interesting PWD in conversation at this time.

[Deleted]

It goes back to the fact that a disability is not the only thing that attracts a dev, other things have to check the boxes too.

[sy]

You think just because you're disabled every dev will throw themselves at you?

[usdragon]

Jul 31, 2020 4:19:01 GMT -5 missparkle said:

Jul 31, 2020 0:25:53 GMT -5 someonerandom said:

I don’t know why it would be worse if it’s a dev. I think a dev rejection is the same as another rejection.

I think I understand where usdragon is coming from, but I can easily be wrong.
When rejected we all try to find explanations, for our own sake, to put our minds at ease. Dealing with non-devs, I guess you came to terms with the fact that disability simply can be "too much to handle" for some people. And although in some cases it may not be the reason for rejection at all, subconsciously you have that "explanation" for yourself, you are simply "used to" it.

Now, you have a dev, which is, by definition, attracted to disability part of you. Her rejection means there is something else about you that it's not "good enough" for her, that even disability doesn't compensate. And you are not "used to" that.

Personally, being a dev, I am also hurt more being rejected by PWD, than AB guy. There are at least two reasons for that. First, I'd like that my attraction to his disability is very attractive for him. Now, with that assumption, if I get rejected, I have to deal with the fact that the rest of my personality is not "good enough" for him. And it sucks. LOL 😂 The other, more important reason is that in a relationship with PWD, I'm emotionally deeper into it, my expectations are higher, I dream bigger, I'm engaged more. Force landing from that heights without parachute hurts pretty badly! Ouch 😂

My own strategy for coping is that I know I didn't "do" anything wrong. I'm just being good old me, with all my virtues and flaws, and if it's not "good enough" for someone, I'd better find that out sooner than later. Next, please! 😂

I do blame myself for one thing though, allowing myself to dream too big with PWD, when there isn't enough rational ground for it.

Thank you for this. You described exactly how I feel, and it helps that you explained it from your POV. 

[usdragon]

Jul 31, 2020 11:19:53 GMT -5 sy said:

You think just because you're disabled every dev will throw themselves at you?

Of course not. Why would I believe that? 

[usdragon]

Jul 31, 2020 9:24:29 GMT -5 Dani said:

It goes back to the fact that a disability is not the only thing that attracts a dev, other things have to check the boxes too.

I agree. I guess I should have made clear that my post was not directed at or a response to anyone, personally. I certainly do not think that my disability is the only part of my being that matters, and I would never want to be with someone who was ONLY attracted to my body. 

Appreciate the comment. 

[usdragon]

Jul 31, 2020 7:22:13 GMT -5 David said:

Being rejected by a Devotee doesnt mean automatically it is because of your personality or your looks. It could als be because you dont have the disability the devotee desires, you live to far away or the devotee has another interesting PWD in conversation at this time.

Very good points.

[usdragon]

Jul 31, 2020 7:14:06 GMT -5 Inkdevil said:

Really, you should be hurt less by a Dev rejection, because you can strike disability off the list of things that person is rejecting you for. That means you are on a more level playing field and you are being rejected for a reason that an AB/AB match would fail.

That being said, rejection just hurts, full stop. It takes a lot of self confidence to not feel the sting, but you can and will get over it. It’s not that you weren’t good enough, you just weren’t a good match. You have to keep on looking to find someone who fits with you. It’s not easy. Sometimes it doesn’t happen for weeks, months, years. Or at all.

I hope you can lick your wounds and move forward. What didn’t happen, didn’t happen for a reason. Good luck.

Thanks.

[Deleted]

Jul 30, 2020 21:48:32 GMT -5 usdragon said:

Anyway, just want to know how other PWDs deal with rejection on PD. It’s my guess is that it is my fault, and I need to rethink my expectations. Tell me if I’m wrong and give advice on how to deal.

I am wondering...when you talk about rejection here on PD, what type of rejection are you referring to: like you are rejected in a private message or publicly on the board in some way?
And in a private message, is it just a dev possibly not interested in anything more intimate?

[Dr. BiPAP Sachin]

"I reject your reality, and substitute my own." - An old quote by Adam Savage from the show Mythbusters

[ContingentlyComposite]

I know your post was aimed at PWD on here, and you've already received good advice so far, but I'll throw in a couple things that have helped me deal with dating rejection. I'm super sensitive and it's taken me a while to reach a place in life where I can cope with early-stage rejection well. It used to eat me alive for weeks or longer. (Rejection after a long-term relationship with someone is its own beast and I can't say my coping strategies have moved beyond sliding into depression and lots of excessive drinking. )

IMO the best advice for early-stage rejection (dev or not) has already been mentioned by someonerandom, which is try to avoid being in a situation where you are just talking to one person on a dating app or PD as much as possible. Having more than one person on your radar means you aren't unintentionally throwing all your emotional energy and hopes into one person. Relatedly, I'd say try to resist pulling away from dating after a rejection, keep putting yourself out there. The sooner you make a new potentially promising connection, the quicker you'll forget about the prior rejection.

I've also found it helpful just to remind myself that I would probably eventually reject the person who's rejecting me anyway. If they're rejecting me, we probably just aren't very compatible--they just beat me to it. I also remind myself that with chatting online, there's so much potential to misread each other, or get the wrong impression, that sometimes the rejection is just a result of a meaningless misreading of each other, and that that's ok-- there are people out there who will love me, even if it takes a while to find a good match.

I also think it can be therapeutic to just commiserate about the shittiness of dating and rejection with other single friends over beers. This may be a strategy best reserved for a post-pandemic future though. Best of luck!