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Post by Braced4Impact on Sept 18, 2020 11:33:04 GMT -5
Okay so a few days ago, I took a day off from work (haven't taken much time off this year, because I've been busy as hell at work, and it's not like I'm gonna go on a vacation during the plague anyway.) So I decided to go fishing. I go to this lake with my folding chair and am fishing on the pier. This guy comes up to me, and I don't know if he's stoned or just weird. He asks how the fishing is going and I say it's fine, then he asks if I'm good at it, so I say I'm decent. He then asks if I would be a pro-fisherman, and I'm like, no, I just enjoy it as a hobby. Then he asks me if I'm disabled; probably because I'm sitting on the folding chair on a pier instead of standing like most people. I already am getting kind of annoyed here, but he doesn't stop. (I'm very introverted, I don't like dealing with people in general.) Anyway he then asks "what kind of disability is it?" I say spina bifida. And he's like is it physical? I say yes. And he says "so it's not mental at all?" I'm like no, it's not. He then changes the subject. But anyway, I'm usually nonchalant about disability; I don't care about terms like crippled, gimpy, etc. But I'm like...isn't there some sort of etiquette about this, like an unspoken rule? I mean, I don't mind if you're curious about disability, but the way he was asking just got under my skin. Anyway, just ranting a bit.
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Post by ContingentlyComposite on Sept 18, 2020 13:08:35 GMT -5
People are weird. Perhaps he spent too much time self-isolating and forgot how to read social cues? Or was so desperately wanting to get a conversation going he kept asking questions?
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Post by mike on Sept 18, 2020 14:32:34 GMT -5
@braced4impact, yeah there is an unspoken rule, but it's weird. If something looks temporary like a cast, it's OK to inquire about, but if it looks permanent, you're not supposed to notice. Like you, I'm pretty laid-back about the issue but have a different problem: when people notice I'm wearing braces, they get quiet and seem awkward. It's obvious that they noticed, but they can feel awkward. That sometimes bothers me, not because it seems rude, but because it can be isolating. Some things like a wheelchair can be difficult not to notice, so people act like they don't see it. Fortunately I don't experience that situation, but I have observed it.
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Post by Braced4Impact on Sept 18, 2020 14:41:50 GMT -5
@braced4impact, yeah there is an unspoken rule, but it's weird. If something looks temporary like a cast, it's OK to inquire about, but if it looks permanent, you're not supposed to notice. Like you, I'm pretty laid-back about the issue but have a different problem: when people notice I'm wearing braces, they get quiet and seem awkward. It's obvious that they noticed, but they can feel awkward. That sometimes bothers me, not because it seems rude, but because it can be isolating. Some things like a wheelchair can be difficult not to notice, so people act like they don't see it. Fortunately I don't experience that situation, but I have observed it. I'd much prefer the silent awkwardness than what that interaction was. (Silence is golden.)
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Post by mike on Sept 18, 2020 16:27:12 GMT -5
Well of course, the interaction you described was odd by any measure, but would you prefer a polite question or to have them totally ignore you in a social setting?
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Post by someonerandom on Sept 18, 2020 18:15:46 GMT -5
Well of course, the interaction you described was odd by any measure, but would you prefer a polite question or to have them totally ignore you in a social setting? Definitely ignore. And the guy who approached Braced was an asshole; Braced is an angel for handling it the way he did.
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Post by Dr. BiPAP Sachin on Sept 18, 2020 19:12:03 GMT -5
Okay so a few days ago, I took a day off from work (haven't taken much time off this year, because I've been busy as hell at work, and it's not like I'm gonna go on a vacation during the plague anyway.) So I decided to go fishing. I go to this lake with my folding chair and am fishing on the pier. This guy comes up to me, and I don't know if he's stoned or just weird. He asks how the fishing is going and I say it's fine, then he asks if I'm good at it, so I say I'm decent. He then asks if I would be a pro-fisherman, and I'm like, no, I just enjoy it as a hobby. Then he asks me if I'm disabled; probably because I'm sitting on the folding chair on a pier instead of standing like most people. I already am getting kind of annoyed here, but he doesn't stop. (I'm very introverted, I don't like dealing with people in general.) Anyway he then asks "what kind of disability is it?" I say spina bifida. And he's like is it physical? I say yes. And he says "so it's not mental at all?" I'm like no, it's not. He then changes the subject. But anyway, I'm usually nonchalant about disability; I don't care about terms like crippled, gimpy, etc. But I'm like...isn't there some sort of etiquette about this, like an unspoken rule? I mean, I don't mind if you're curious about disability, but the way he was asking just got under my skin. Anyway, just ranting a bit. Man, what a dick! We've got your back bud.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2020 19:26:25 GMT -5
Maybe he did not know what Spina Bifida is and could have used a bit more explanation what it encompasses.
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Post by Braced4Impact on Sept 18, 2020 19:41:35 GMT -5
Well of course, the interaction you described was odd by any measure, but would you prefer a polite question or to have them totally ignore you in a social setting? Definitely ignore. And the guy who approached Braced was an asshole; Braced is an angel for handling it the way he did. Well, the dude looked like he could rip me in half if I called him a dick, so I played it cool.
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Post by someonerandom on Sept 18, 2020 20:19:10 GMT -5
Maybe he did not know what Spina Bifida is and could have used a bit more explanation what it encompasses. Seriously? It’s like I see a couple people of an indeterminate gender out fishing, and I roll up like: “what gender are you? Oh? Interesting, I’d like more explanation of what genderqueer is and what it encompasses.” Or maybe I see a black guy fishing off the dock, and I say after a brief introduction: “So I noticed you’re black, and I don’t see too many black people. Mind if we discuss your blackness?” I just don’t understand what world so many people live in where this type of personal invasion is okay, as long as it’s being done to a PWD. And before you get all defensive Dani, like you always do, maybe instead just think about what the PWD are saying to you (the able bodied person), and consider that maybe our experience is valid and real and you could grow personally from a re-evaluation of your perspectives on disability. I’m so tired of always being the bad guy on this. It’s like all able bodies think I’m crazy, and half of PWDs do too. I’m not crazy. Society is ableist.
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Post by devogirl on Sept 18, 2020 20:44:01 GMT -5
I agree with you! This guy was way out of line, and I would have gone off on him. "it's not mental"? wtf kind of question is that? Sometimes a shaming question like "why are you asking me this?" or "how is that any of your business?" will shut them up, but often the kind of asshat who asks a question like that is totally without shame so it doesn't always work.
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Post by Braced4Impact on Sept 18, 2020 22:50:25 GMT -5
I'm pretty introverted, so I don't like to talk to people in general, so this was doubly annoying for me.
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Post by blueskye101 on Sept 19, 2020 1:17:02 GMT -5
Basic human manners and a tiny bit of social etiquette please people. I think that whole encounter was pretty weird and uncomfortable. But then I’m pretty introverted too. Anyone coming up to a stranger and right off the bat, asking personal, invasive questions needs to be ignored or told “ what the hells wrong with YOU”. Like religion & politics with a stranger.
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Post by mona on Sept 19, 2020 1:27:09 GMT -5
Braced4Impact, I'm sorry you had to deal with such an idiot. You handled the situation really well. And I hope odd encounters like this one don't keep you away from doing what you like to do.
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Post by Amee on Sept 19, 2020 2:15:52 GMT -5
Yeah, the unspoken rule/ social etiquette is to not ask personal questions of complete strangers. And questions about someone's health/medical condition definitely fall into the "very personal" category imo. I mean, you wouldn't ask a complete stranger "Hey, have you ever had cancer? What was that like?" or "Hey, why are you so overweight? Are you doing anything to lose weight?". I'll usually defend people, who are a bit awkward around PWD, because being awkward with something you have no experience with, is someting many people just can't help. That's just human nature. But there are a whole lot of possibilities between "just ignoring someone" and "asking invasive personal questions". If it's in a social setting, small talk is always an option, even if you're a little awkward. Dani just because someone may be genuinely curious doesn't mean it's appropriate to ask someone they barely know. I know there are some people who don't mind, but most people won't want to constantly answer everybody's questions about something they live with every day. I think when you've just met someone, a good rule of thumb whether it's appropriate to indulge your curiosity, is whether the person chose that thing you're curious about or not. A hobby, a career - fine to be curious about. A medical condition/ disability, skin color, something that happened to them (loss of a loved one etc.) - good chance the person doesn't want to talk about it with a stranger, so better to keep one's curiosity to oneself until one knows the person better.
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