messybun
New Member
Posts: 40
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by messybun on Mar 4, 2021 22:10:25 GMT -5
I have found that lots of PWD assume that devotees are just out for the sexual aspect. As soon as they learn that is not always the case, they are gone. So to actually form a friendly relationship with a PWD is difficult. Some PWD take time to learn and understand devotees on a deeper level but I believe that is the minority. I would like to connect on a friendly level to explore how my devotee being reacts. I still have to be attracted to the guy in other ways. Only because he is in a wheelchair is not going to make we want to connect right away. Beside the physical traits and favorable disability of paraplegia, other personality traits have to feel right for me as well. The PWD has to also be at peace with his situation and not rely on a devotee to "fix" him or make life better for him.
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Post by atlwheelin on Mar 4, 2021 22:17:07 GMT -5
I have found that lots of PWD assume that devotees are just out for the sexual aspect. As soon as they learn that is not always the case, they are gone. So to actually form a friendly relationship with a PWD is difficult. Some PWD take time to learn and understand devotees on a deeper level but I believe that is the minority. I would like to connect on a friendly level to explore how my devotee being reacts. I still have to be attracted to the guy in other ways. Only because he is in a wheelchair is not going to make we want to connect right away. Beside the physical traits and favorable disability of paraplegia, other personality traits have to feel right for me as well. The PWD has to also be at peace with his situation and not rely on a devotee to "fix" him or make life better for him. All these are very valid expectations of any relationship, but you’d be hard pressed to find someone 100% at peace with their current situation, or not looking for a partner to make life less troubling in the valleys. The biggest difference obviously being regular ABs don’t need the physical care, but in a functional and mentally capable relationship between two consenting adults, those aides are really the only standout difference between a PWD or any other stereotype that would fit an AB male
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Post by ayla on Mar 5, 2021 0:20:29 GMT -5
The PWD has to also be at peace with his situation and not rely on a devotee to "fix" him or make life better for him. All these are very valid expectations of any relationship, but you’d be hard pressed to find someone 100% at peace with their current situation, or not looking for a partner to make life less troubling in the valleys. The biggest difference obviously being regular ABs don’t need the physical care, but in a functional and mentally capable relationship between two consenting adults, those aides are really the only standout difference between a PWD or any other stereotype that would fit an AB male I think it’s fair to say that any healthy relationship should not be founded on the idea of one person fixing the other. Ideally we would all strive to bring our most well-adjusted selves possible to partnership, knowing of course that humans are human and therefore imperfect.
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Post by Amee on Mar 6, 2021 17:20:16 GMT -5
I was having a conversation with a PWD friend lately and stumbled across a metaphor that might help explain one aspect of the dev experience. With his permission, I'm adapting it into a thread. I don't see PWD as sexual objects or things, but as people to whom I am naturally very attracted (physically and otherwise). It's my belief that interactions between individual devs and individual PWD are vital to our healthy expression of sexuality. I can't speak to the PWD side, of course (would love you guys to weigh in!), but for me as a dev it just feels so much more healthy to interact with an individual PWD on the topic of devness. More healthy than what, you may ask? Well, I think every dev, though he/she will be loathe to admit it, knows the weird things we might do to "scratch that itch" otherwise. Many of us have had the unpleasant experience of trying to repress or avoid our dev desires. That often leads us down some strange rabbit holes of disability-related stuff, trying to indirectly satisfy some urge but ultimately just getting frustrated and confused. The unfulfilling nature of this process can lead us to become obsessive, further isolating us with our interests as we fear nobody will understand why we are SO compelled. So here's the metaphor I came up with. If you're a straight guy: imagine if women were a group of people you knew existed and knew you were attracted to, but had almost no way of getting to know personally and rarely if ever saw in real life (and also had almost zero representation in porn/erotica). You'd probably find yourself doing some odd things too...maybe reading women's clothing catalogs, consuming any literature or films with women characters (regardless of quality), going to the encyclopedia (must be Wikipedia these days for you young'uns) to read the entries on random woman-related concepts like "ovaries" or "suffragettes," asking yourself if it's okay for you to attend a WNBA game or a feminist conference, watching YouTube videos of women doing everyday things just to get a glimpse... and you'd probably start to feel like a creep about it over time. You'd know that you are getting something sexual out of things that were not intended to be sexual, and you'd know that this bothers some of the people you'd really like to be getting to know. It might create a cycle of shame and reluctance to interact ("if they knew how creepy I was, they'd never want to know me"). It might leave you feeling like maybe you are just a weird, objectifying pervert after all. This is what the dev experience can be like when we don't interact with PWD, for whatever reasons (availability, our own internalized guilt/shame/hangups, rejection, denial, poor communication or social skills, etc.) So I'm not trying to say it's easy peasy. It definitely requires we meet one another halfway and with a healthy dose of self-awareness. But I am saying that I appreciate the ability to connect with others through this forum, and that's why I think it is such a unique and necessary place. The dev experience does not need to be like this if we have healthy avenues for expression! ayla I relate to this so much! I've had very similar thoughts in the past couple of months/ the past year about how my devness has evolved and changed - for me personally - into something that feels so much healthier and more "normal" through personal contact with PWD. I'm really finding myself less and less interested in just disability as such, which I used to find super-interesting. It almost makes me chuckle a bit, the things I used to find interesting. Not that I find it weird or funny if someone else found them interesting (not at all!), just that it's odd to me how I've been fascinated with things that seem so boring to me now. I thought about the exact same comparison you drew with guys in a world without women! I'm sure a lot of behaviour/interest by devs, that seems weird to others, comes from this dynamic. I do understand LaMara too , though. It can be difficult to navigate the expectations. And of course everyone needs to find what feels good and works for them individually
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robert_house
Full Member
Posts: 103
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by robert_house on Mar 30, 2021 14:16:05 GMT -5
sadly I think most PWD find PD and think 'oooh at last i will get laid' dont care about understanding devness and dont care about how it is quite specific and persoanl to each and every dev. Those guys tend to not stick around too long or lurk in the background to pounce on every new dev who says hello with offers/requests for sex and that can make some devs who may well be in the early stages of realising they 'arent alone' run to the hills. yikes, that sounds unbelievably lonely. I guess the moral of the story is that no one wants to feel like they are being "used", regardless of which side of the equation they are on.
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californiapara
Junior Member
Posts: 57
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by californiapara on Apr 1, 2021 14:03:33 GMT -5
There’s nothing wrong with being interested in people and approaching them. Just be open and yourself.
Just don’t create fake ig pages to act like an injured person to sneakily ask for photos and videos. Keeps happening to me and it’s just weird
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Post by ayla on Apr 1, 2021 14:23:06 GMT -5
There’s nothing wrong with being interested in people and approaching them. Just be open and yourself. Just don’t create fake ig pages to act like an injured person to sneakily ask for photos and videos. Keeps happening to me and it’s just weird Creepy people also create fake ig pages to act like an injured person to sneakily take advantage of devs, too. 😥
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californiapara
Junior Member
Posts: 57
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by californiapara on Apr 1, 2021 14:59:46 GMT -5
There’s nothing wrong with being interested in people and approaching them. Just be open and yourself. Just don’t create fake ig pages to act like an injured person to sneakily ask for photos and videos. Keeps happening to me and it’s just weird Creepy people also create fake ig pages to act like an injured person to sneakily take advantage of devs, too. 😥 Thanks for mentioning that no idea how I was so blind but I didn’t even consider that. That’s so odd. I wonder if they have their dark net forums where they share that stuff
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Post by ayla on Apr 1, 2021 15:29:49 GMT -5
It all comes back to: creepy people are creepy.
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Phila
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by Phila on Apr 1, 2021 16:14:42 GMT -5
Creepy people also create fake ig pages to act like an injured person to sneakily take advantage of devs, too. 😥 Thanks for mentioning that no idea how I was so blind but I didn’t even consider that. That’s so odd. I wonder if they have their dark net forums where they share that stuff It's interesting that you both have had experiences with people impersonating as someone else. I've yet to come across this, but perhaps it's because I don't have an active IG account and my FB is locked with very little visible content.
The most common 'creepy' thing that happens to me is I find a lot of ABs taking photos or recording me in public. It's happened so frequently that even my AB friends notice it and have had public altercations with people. I'm not sure if this is something that is shared with other PWDs however?
Sorry if I'm veering the conversation away from it's original topic.
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californiapara
Junior Member
Posts: 57
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by californiapara on Apr 1, 2021 17:24:50 GMT -5
Thanks for mentioning that no idea how I was so blind but I didn’t even consider that. That’s so odd. I wonder if they have their dark net forums where they share that stuff It's interesting that you both have had experiences with people impersonating as someone else. I've yet to come across this, but perhaps it's because I don't have an active IG account and my FB is locked with very little visible content.
The most common 'creepy' thing that happens to me is I find a lot of ABs taking photos or recording me in public. It's happened so frequently that even my AB friends notice it and have had public altercations with people. I'm not sure if this is something that is shared with other PWDs however?
Sorry if I'm veering the conversation away from it's original topic.
I’ve never had that issue before. What’s your disability and where do you live?
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Phila
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by Phila on Apr 1, 2021 17:47:42 GMT -5
I have Spina Bifida. Limited mobility in my left leg and none with my right. I live in London. I'm assuming this information has some bearing regarding my question?
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californiapara
Junior Member
Posts: 57
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by californiapara on Apr 1, 2021 18:17:10 GMT -5
I have Spina Bifida. Limited mobility in my left leg and none with my right. I live in London. I'm assuming this information has some bearing regarding my question? Yeah I was wondering why people would stare at you like that. Not sure if the culture in London is different but your disability doesn’t sound like it’s visually much different from other wheelchair users
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Post by ichbin on Apr 16, 2022 8:00:24 GMT -5
Creepy people also create fake ig pages to act like an injured person to sneakily take advantage of devs, too. 😥 Indeed!! Has happened to me couple of times!
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Post by ichbin on Apr 16, 2022 8:07:06 GMT -5
It's interesting that you both have had experiences with people impersonating as someone else. I've yet to come across this, but perhaps it's because I don't have an active IG account and my FB is locked with very little visible content.
To me it has not happened via ig (I don't have an account there) neither fb, but on a platform called "handicap-love". It is a German speaking dating site for people with and without disabilities. It is, however, free to use (for women) or really cheap (40 Euros per year for male) - and therefore of course many fake accounts. There was one guy who literally stole the identity of an existing tetraplegic man. He stole his full name, pictures, even website... he even invented an e-mail address which had his name in it. Now, that was something which kind of broke my whole naive world-view... ever since I question everything, I am suspicious as a "underlaying attitude", and if someone posts without picture I am skeptical and ask for a picture. Also, via this platform, there were many men with BIID who pretend to be real paras.... very often I could tell early on, but with this guy who stole name and pictures, I had no chance...
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