How do you think you became a Dev?

[olive]

Hi everyone.

So this might be a bit of a loaded question, but I’m curious to hear from other devs. What do you think might’ve caused you to become a devotee? What in your life do you think sparked that sexual attraction to disability? What was the earliest devotee experience/feeling you can remember?

The only connection I can make is a memory from when I was around 7. I was taking the school bus home and when they got to my stop, I was ready to get off but I had to wait because everyone was trying to help this girl with in a leg cast get off the bus. I remember watching it and feeling really… weird. I felt uncomfortable but at the same time, I was fascinated by the whole thing and couldn’t look away. I realize now that they were probably very early sexual feelings, but I was definitely too young to realize it at the time.

I’m not sure if this was the origin point of my attraction or if it’s just my earliest memory of the feeling. The pleasure associated with seeing things like this was definitely reinforced by certain TV shows and movies. By the time I hit puberty, I knew this was what turned me on and that I was a devotee. I could speculate about why I turned out this way, but I feel like I’ll never truly pin down the answer unless I spoke to a licensed psychologist.

What’s your guys’ experiences like? I’d really like to hear about them. (Also, if you feel more comfortable PMing me about it rather than posting on this thread, that’s totally ok 😊)

[Dani]

I don't know if it's something I "became" or was born with but over all the years, I've stopped trying to figure it out. Sometimes it still overcomes me and I'm like "wth, why are you this way". It happens mostly when I am around people who don't fully get it, like my friends or now in my case of writing devotee romance when I see how other writers write "normal" romance. Then I think about how am I this way? Why am I writing and thinking like this? I just don't have an answer.

I have several ideas but they are so out there that I just don't know. These are things from the way my parent's marriage was, daddy issues, trauma at my birth, trauma in my teenage years, being exposed to disability, being sexually molested, losing my first love, or maybe being on the scale of autism, maybe low grade but maybe...I just don't know.
I had three very intense crushes during my teenage years who all broke their leg at one point and even that is one of my possible reasons why I am wired this way. I just don't know. My devotee interest is very much about male legs, non functioning or only with assistive devices, paraplegics, any disability affecting walking or lack thereof. 

I was always a loner, best enjoying my own company, writing, daydreaming, never a member of the pack all throughout my childhood and teenage years, drawn to the underdog and the different ones.

I don't see my being a devotee as primarily sexual. I've come to realize that for me it's more of a psychological thing when it comes to the opposite sex. I say that because when it comes to my sexuality, I don't need thoughts of disability or a guy being disabled to get me off. I get off from thinking about myself in certain situations or using certain accessories but not from thinking about a guy in a wheelchair or something. I know we've discussed being a devotee as being on a spectrum, so I'm sure there are various forms of being a devotee.

I can't pinpoint one single scenario that opened it up for me. I used to write a lot, even as a teenager and when I look back at my writing, I see a dev writing these things. I didn't know yet at that time but the underlying message in the stories is that of a devotee. My male characters were always dealing with something traumatic. It's still like this to this day. I do not know why or how and I've kind of given up and am embracing the way I am, working on dropping the guilt and shame and just not giving a s... anymore. I'm old now and I want to enjoy myself and the way I am. Self-love is my top priority. 

[ayla]

It’s a good question, but probably unanswerable! Most of us have tried to figure it out. In my experience, the more I try to go over my childhood memories with a fine toothed comb, the more they become skewed and altered by repeated analysis. Our memories aren’t static — each time we go back to one, it’s like a copy of a copy: we are remembering the last time we recalled it, not the original experience. And making sense of our childhood interpretations of things is like trying to apply logic to a dream! It all made sense in the context, but when you wake up it’s 🥴🥴🥴

That said, for me it started very early. I remember my Barbies and My Little Ponies always had disabilities in my pretend play. I also was obsessed with playing “hospital” and that almost always involved some type of paralysis. There were characters in books and movies that caught my interest. It wasn’t sexual yet it was just a very strong interest and a sort of odd perspective: I thought disability was the coolest thing ever. I probably would have become a dev anyway with all that, but I had an experience when I was about 8-9 that I think sealed the deal. I was on vacation and made a friend in a wheelchair, and my parents’ reaction made me realize how most of society views disabilities. That’s what made me start keeping my feelings a secret. The secrecy no doubt contributed to the “forbidden” aspect.

[ruthmadison]

Like Dani I have pretty much given up on that question. It's been part of my life for as long as I can remember and the secrecy came with it. I was obsessing over disability by the time I was four or five and also trying to keep anyone from finding out. (My granny thought I was going to become a nurse so I wasn't entirely succeeding). I inherited a Ken doll who was missing a leg and I had to come up with an excuse why I didn't want to replace him. I made him wheelchairs out of Duplos.

A few years back I had a therapist who was totally convinced that I was a victim of child sexual assault but there's no other evidence for that. I have no memory of anything remotely like that (of course the memory can be quite tricky) and I can't imagine who I was in contact with who could have done anything like that. But she certainly thought that devness developed from a fear of men and there is a nugget of truth to that.

It may not be true for everyone but I am afraid of men and sexual stuff and a disabled man in that respect feels safer.

But usually trying to find a reason just leaves me feeling like I'm hunting for a justification, not uncovering a truth.

[dapperdev]

Oooh that's a tough one. So many theories but no way to confirm any of them. I have early childhood memories of meeting a girl with a small paralysed arm (Erb's palsy I believe) and being completely gobsmacked. Maybe it was because i had a crush on her anyway?

I also have a memory of seeing a guy with severe polio in his legs and he was crawling in a strange way and I couldn't stop looking.

I remember watching The Secret Garden (I think) where there was either a girl or boy in a wheelchair and again being completely awestruck.

Was it any one of those experiences or a combination of them, or was the devness already there and it just got triggered/activated when I finally met/saw someone with a physical disability? Who knows?

Were we born like this or were we made? Maybe we'll know someday, but more than that I just hope we reach a point where this is completely normalised, where the PWD community and the dev community come together to remove all taboos surrounding disability.

I'm going a little off-topic here but homosexuals were vilified for decades, centuries before they were accepted by society. And though the struggle is far from over and there are still many countries where homosexuality is not only frowned upon but criminalised, at least there are other places where they can get married and start families, and be true to who they really are. So maybe there's still hope?

[SouthernCalGal]

I have written about this before, and I believe that it has something to do with my mom's overprotectiveness of me as an only child. I was never able to participate in anything that she perceived as "dangerous" because "I could hurt myself for life." So, I heard this constantly from a very early age. I remember becoming interested in boys who were daredevils and really challenged their bodies. I always admired those who were not afraid to challenge their body. Then, I would fantasize how they would be if they got hurt and I would play a role in helping them (I am not a caretaking dev though - quite the opposite).  When I was young 9+ - I would always have my dolls and stuffed animals with a bandage of some sort.  Also, I always daydreamed about having a brother - but, he'd be a wheeler. Then, puberty hit, and the daydreams of having a boyfriend that was a wheeler occupied my free time and those daydreams became more sexual in nature. So, it evolved for me.  For me, I also wouldn't discount childhood sexual trauma at a very young age perhaps playing a role in it.  

Recently, my therapist told me to quit worrying about the "how and why" and work on how to satisfy my current feelings. So, that is what I try to do.

[ichbin]

Feb 9, 2022 14:37:35 GMT -5 ruthmadison said:

Oh, my God, this is the cutest thing I've ever heard! 

I have no clue where my devness comes from. But as long as I can think, I had that attraction.... I remember very detailed things from my childhood.... 

[em]

Yeah I also don't know how I "became" one, but I have similar experiences of playing hospital as young as 6-7, and being drawn to stories of people needing some sort of support.... and then when I became a teenager, instead of developing regular sexual feelings like all my friends, I started having these thoughts about disability, I made up lots of stories about it and had a lot of intrusive thoughts. Only as an adult I made a connection to sexuality and interest in men.

I did grow up in a fairly conservative environment, but since I didn't really express a lot of interest in sex at a young age or didn't rebel, dress provocatively etc., I don't think that it's a result of repression. I think mostly you are just born this way, and sometimes it becomes obvious early on due to your experiences, and sometimes not. As a scientist I think it's just a little glitch in some wiring in my brain, which maybe came from some early experience but most likely is random and was always going to happen.

[lexidee]

I think there are a lot of things throughout my life that probably had some influence on the matter, but I also think in some ways its just always been there. I pretended as a kid, things like that.

I read for some you, you're solely attracted to men with disabilty. It's not like that for me. I'm attracted to AB men, too. It's just that I have more of a preference for PWD. I'm also nearly 40 and o ly just starting to explore this. Late bloomer for sure.

[tujo]

Great question, probably unanswerable. Let me have a shot (in the dark):

Research on the origin of sexual orientation is scarce in general, on fetishes and other sexual deviations even rarer. About devotism there is of course: literally nothing. 

Apart from that one internet-based study in which they had a small number of male devs questioned, so the results are to be taken with a grain of salt. They found some commonalities like having no people with disabilities among their family/friends, being loved by their parents (who isn't ), often being a first or only child. None of these aspects are obviously somehow exclusive. If they played a role in the manifestation of the attraction? Could be.

Where it originated from, where any sexual preference/orientation originated from, this is a question unanswered. If there are ideas, they won't be the final one. It's complex, a combination of many things.

As put so well by others on here, I also have my issues with seeing these "first sightings" (they also appear in the study as a commonality) as a cause or even a contribution in the process of becoming a dev. If we kept these events in our minds, it's because they were impacting us emotionally/sexually already. I have a feeling that it's been there before that, as something that comes from deeper within myself.

Let me leave you with an interesting concept I came across. I stress that the transfer is simply speculation though. 
In evolutionary biology there is a well-accepted theory called the "Handicap principle". According to the theory, greater biological fitness can be signaled to a potential mating partner through a costly trait: "Despite a fitness loss, I can afford ... this ostentatious plumage", "... these big breasts", "... perform this mating dance". The signal is perceived as reliable when costly. Disability finds an obvious place here, signaling "I can afford it it, look how fit I am". If we saw someone with a disability thrive in everyday life, we might have perceived the disability itself as a sexual signal.

Then there are these moments, where I just think I'm a real weirdo who took a wrong path at some random point. I try to give this voice as little room as possible though and find relieve in just accepting that human sexuality is so amazingly diverse and that this might just also be the biological meaning behind it. At least I like this idea. And sorry for the long post, I just thought about it often recently.
 

[ayla]

Mar 30, 2022 22:40:43 GMT -5 tujo said:

As put so well by others on here, I also have my issues with seeing these "first sightings" (they also appear in the study as a commonality) as a cause or even a contribution in the process of becoming a dev. If we kept these events in our minds, it's because they were impacting us emotionally/sexually already. I have a feeling that it's been there before that, as something that comes from deeper within myself.

Let me leave you with an interesting concept I came across. I stress that the transfer is simply speculation though. 
In evolutionary biology there is a well-accepted theory called the "Handicap principle". According to the theory, greater biological fitness can be signaled to a potential mating partner through a costly trait: "Despite a fitness loss, I can afford ... this ostentatious plumage", "... these big breasts", "... perform this mating dance". The signal is perceived as reliable when costly. Disability finds an obvious place here, signaling "I can afford it it, look how fit I am". If we saw someone with a disability thrive in everyday life, we might have perceived the disability itself as a sexual signal.

This is a fascinating new take for me, and I think there might be something to it! Also, I agree with you about these first sightings. They must have made an impression for a reason, otherwise we devs would be much more common.

[mona]

Hey, I am a little late to the party but let me add my theory:

My parents used to fight a lot and I perceived my mother as a very mean, even cruel person. She provoked my father verbally and seemed to take pleasure in starting fights with him. Sooner or later he would crack and become really mad and desperate at the same time. I witnessed this dynamic so many times and really suffered from it as a child. Inside myself, I always took my father's side and wished my mother were more understanding, warm and just nice to him. I did not want to become like her, but a "good" woman. Like a woman who loves a disabled man. Maybe I developed this interest somehow to solve my parents' conflict or do something opposed to my mother's (psychological) cruelty. I hope this makes sense.

[lexidee]

I'd say lot of us came about our devness, partly by nature, but partly situational. Thanks for sharing that. Abusive situations are hard to handle.

The situational part, for me, was an extremely and violently abusive marriage that lasted 8 years too long. Part of the attraction for me is that PWDs understand trauma so we can empathize with each other, and PWD usually appreciate things more, their women included. And the final part to that, I'd say, is that I've always been a nurterer by nature, and tried so hard to be nurturing and caring with my ex-husband to keep the peace (rarely worked), but with PWD the nurturing and caring is a natural part of the relationship.

[frenchgirl]

Apr 11, 2022 16:28:13 GMT -5 lexidee said:

I'd say lot of us came about our devness, partly by nature, but partly situational. Thanks for sharing that. Abusive situations are hard to handle.

The situational part, for me, was an extremely and violently abusive marriage that lasted 8 years too long. Part of the attraction for me is that PWDs understand trauma so we can empathize with each other, and PWD usually appreciate things more, their women included. And the final part to that, I'd say, is that I've always been a nurterer by nature, and tried so hard to be nurturing and caring with my ex-husband to keep the peace (rarely worked), but with PWD the nurturing and caring is a natural part of the relationship.

I can definitely relate to that lexidee 

[frenchgirl]

I have a problem with my body image, and loving someone who had or has one too is really interesting. It’s kind of a relief.