Confused! Am I a dev?

[scinoob]

Hi guys, please delete if this isn’t allowed but I think this may be the best place to ask.

Im 27, gay, and I’ve recently split from my paraplegic boyfriend of three years. We got together 7 years after his accident and met online.

Since breaking up with him I’ve found myself really interested in other men with spinal cord injuries and other disabilities. Im not sure if this makes me a dev or if other guy with disabilities would appreciate that fact?

Thanks for your thoughts x

[ayla]

Welcome! You’ve come to the right place to figure this out. In my opinion, anybody who comes to have a positive association/attraction to disabled partners is some flavor of dev. Maybe it wasn’t an all consuming interest or something sparked early in childhood, but your experience with your ex may have been the catalyst. What were your feelings regarding disability before you met him? Are these other guys primarily attractive because they remind you of him, or because disability is a familiar part of your LTR experience, or…? These are just some questions you can ask yourself as you observe your feelings. There’s nothing wrong with having this attraction, whether you want to classify yourself as a dev or not.

[indigo44]

'devotee' is just a term to describe your attraction, if you feel like it fits your experience and is a helpful term to use for yourself, then you're a dev! there isn't necessarily a list of criteria that you have to fill.

[scinoob]

Before we were together I didn’t really think about disabilities and intimacy to be honest. But obviously now I know heaps more about it and I find it quite interesting.
When I see a hot guy now in a chair I instantly start thinking what he’s into and the different things they might’ve tried haha. I just think it’s a whole new world of adventure really.

[ayla]

TBH you sound like a perfect example of what we were talking about in another thread, of an “open minded” partner. There wasn’t anything about your ex’s disability that attracted you initially, you were just neutral/open minded/curious to an average degree. Yeah? But now that you’ve had this experience you’ve come to appreciate some of the attributes of disability. So maybe you weren’t a “dyed in the wool dev” but a convert! No less valid! And like indigo said, whatever term you think fits is all good, we don’t police that kind of thing. There are people who feel this is part of them since they popped out of the womb but still wouldn’t call themselves a devotee bc they dislike the term. Also valid.

[ruthmadison]

I agree with Ayla, I think you had an experience that allowed you to start seeing people with disabilities as the human beings we all are. So many people seem to "other-ize" disabled folks. But you now have the ability to see the person. That's beautiful!

I don't want to gatekeep what devness is. My experience of it has been very intense and difficult to grapple with. It has been a constant in my life since I can first remember. But it probably is a spectrum and maybe not every dev is born, perhaps some have an awakening to it.

[scinoob]

Thank you guys, I’ve been reading a bunch of posts on the forums and it’s good to see there’s an actual explanation to what I’m feeling.
I’m glad there’s a community here for everyone to coexist. Like I’ve seen mentioned her a few times now, we are all human at the end of the day.

[SouthernCalGal]

Feb 5, 2022 12:30:07 GMT -5 scinoob said:

Before we were together I didn’t really think about disabilities and intimacy to be honest. But obviously now I know heaps more about it and I find it quite interesting.
When I see a hot guy now in a chair I instantly start thinking what he’s into and the different things they might’ve tried haha. I just think it’s a whole new world of adventure really.

Well, the whole “when I see a hot guy in a chair…” line sounds pretty much like dev thinking. Enjoy your time here!!! 

[blueskye101]

Welcome and hope you can get some answers here and at least a safe place to investigate and explore and question. Are you a dev? Or just realize PWD’s are sexy and very worthy of your attention. For you to explore.

[scinoob]

I’ve been reading a lot of other posts here and I think it’s safe to say I fit under (what seems to be) the dev umbrella. I’m happy to be here though, seems to be lots of deep and interesting subjects brought up.

[lexidee]

Everyone is really supportive here. I agree with all the advice given. Just because you're exploring these feelings doesn't mean you have to label yourself a dev, but maybe you want to own the term. Whether you call yourself a dev or you don't, I think the important thing is to just be true to yourself. This forum seems like the perfect place to explore and learn. Good luck in your endeavors.

[legsdev]

I'm curious how much of an issue, if any at all, was him being in a chair at all a part of the early stages of your relationship?

[Deleted]

This thread was interesting to read - I've also been trying to work out exactly what I identify as too.

Not sure if you find this, but for me it's important to be caring and express that care with someone special, and so a partner with a disability wouldn't be a problem at all because it would possibly mean more ways of expressing care which isn't a bad thing at all.

If you've had the chance to love someone with a disability you're probably also aware of how much fun it can be, I think a lot of people outside the disability sphere have somewhat rigid ideas of what love, sex, and caring is and so breaking that mould is pretty liberating

[Deleted]

I wonder if it is really necessary to identify yourself with being a dev or not. Some are and don't want to admit it, some barely accept it, some enjoy it... and so on. But... none of these things change what is inside of you at the end.

So, I think it is more than ok and fair to explore as much as you want, as long as you are true to the others and they are ok with that. Nothing will "make you a dev" because it's not something that defines your qualities as a person. It's just a "feature" that you may have... or not. I had a lot of headaches asking myself "am I?... am I not?". But I came to the conclusion that knowing that doesn't change my preferences.

[Dani]

I've never liked the label very much because it seems to limit it to something "unnormal" and carries a type of burden or stigma with it. And I honestly don't want to walk through life with this "burden" or negative "stigma" because it's just too exhausting. 

I am many things and being a dev is just one of the many other things I am as a person.

Okay, I like to check out guys in wheelchairs and I find them sexy and attractive, but it doesn't define me as in who I am as a person. Being a dev is also so much deeper for me than just a physical thing, it's part of my make-up and who I am but it's only one part. 
Unfortunately, the label has established itself out there and so I'm trying to put a face to it when I can, to make myself visible as a person and a dev and so that people can see that I'm not a creep hiding in the shadows.