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Post by ayla on Feb 21, 2023 13:40:37 GMT -5
In short? Self acceptance is an inside job. Disability or otherwise. Even we as devs need to flip that switch inside ourselves to stop relying on the guys to assure us that our feelings are okay. Supportive communities and people are very helpful but ultimately we need to buy into our own self acceptance. Same for the guys.
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Post by lisa on Feb 21, 2023 16:18:01 GMT -5
are there ways you can help the guy to make peace with his disability and improve his acceptance of it, including in ways related to relationships? In my experience, actively trying to do this is not really helpful or effective. The most effect I had was with the little things. Telling and, much better, showing him that you're okay with it and that you appreciate his body the way it is, especially the parts that might be connected with shame or get overlooked easily, like hygiene stuff or the parts of his body more affected by the disability. There once was a guy with CP I was seeing and when I told him how beautiful I thought his gait looked, he was really impressed and later told me that for the first time he walked through town with pride. Beautiful memories... Even we as devs need to flip that switch inside ourselves to stop relying on the guys to assure us that our feelings are okay. That's a valuable reminder. I have to admit, I am one of those devs who needed a couple of PWDs to be okay with me being a dev before I could really accept it. It helped and I don't need this approval as much anymore, but I suppose you're right and it's not the healthiest way to go about it. |
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Post by ayla on Feb 21, 2023 17:27:54 GMT -5
lisa, I also needed that approval at first, very much so! And I still REALLY like it :) but I am less dependent upon it now, which I think is healthy. Also, I do think it's important to always check in with any partner that your feelings, for them specifically, are okay with them (in that it's okay for you to express them freely in this or that way -- negotiating healthy boundaries so as not to leave anyone feeling fetishized or objectified, at least not without consent). As long as we accept our devness, and our partner(s) accept us sharing our devness with them, we should not rely as heavily on external reinforcement. How I translate this to helping a guy find his own personal acceptance of disability... he needs to accept that this is his new reality, like it or not, and go from there. The concept of "radical acceptance" is often helpful (the idea that we don't have to like or even approve of something in order to accept that it's real). I think knowing about devs, and knowing one or more devs on a personal level, can also be incredibly helpful in unlearning some cultural programming about disabled bodies. I definitely think we make the process easier, but still there are plenty of people who manage to be "well adjusted" without knowing about devs at all, so we shouldn't take any responsibility for this. Like RuPaul says, "if you can't love yourself, how the hell can you love anybody else?" The guy needs to believe he is worthy of love, and if he doesn't, no amount of love from someone else will change his mind about that.
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Post by Dani on Feb 21, 2023 17:46:13 GMT -5
I feel it's like that with anyone...if someone doesn't love or accept themselves, it doesn't matter what another person says and does; it's not going to change how the person sees themselves.
I just had this with a friend, who I find is an attractive woman and has a great life. I've told her that so many times over the years, and lately, she's resented me for it because she doesn't feel this way about herself. So, to say the least, our friendship is strained atm.
I'm not going to tell her anymore how I feel...I know everything I said came from sincerity and from the heart, but it is not helping her. She admits that she probably should have been in counseling/therapy a long time ago.
As for PWDs (my preference is acquired disability) - if they are bitter and haven't accepted their new identity, I don't think there is much we, as devs, can do. If a PWD is too nonchalantly positive that it comes across as not sincere, I also don't really want to deal with it. I mean, we all have weird days when not everything is great.
I know it drives me nuts when some people walk through life with this "super positive" outlook all the time, but I also can't handle constant bitterness and rage too well, so I need a well-balanced person, I guess, who has good and bad days but is overall stable.
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Post by Julia on Feb 26, 2023 11:17:14 GMT -5
From the pwds I've been with irl they were all mostly well adjusted but I have been told I helped with their self-confidence a little.
One dude I talked to but never met was not adjusted to his injury and it was a complete turn off. Especially because he said negative things about other pwds not accepting themself. He said he was but it was obvious he wasnt. Then he made some insulting comment about my appearance and I stopped talking to him. So yeah.
My fiancee is pretty adjusted to his injury but still has some bad days (mostly when he is in a lot of pain). I know there will always be some bad days because that's human nature and I'll be supporting him. If it got to be the majority I doubt I could change his mind since that is such a personal thing. So when he is having a bad day I just stay positive and let him know all the great things he does
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Post by ContingentlyComposite on Feb 26, 2023 13:42:21 GMT -5
I agree that you can't do much to actively help someone achieve self-acceptance and see themselves as a worthy partner. But I do think you can help them improve confidence in certain respects if they're ready. For example, I think a lot of PWDs feel a lot of insecurity about being a fulfilling sexual partner. Just by initiating sex and showing that you do really enjoy sexual relations with them you can help them be more confident in their ability to be a satisfying sexual partner. I think that requires already having a reasonable level of acceptance and belief that they can be a worthy partner though. That's been my experience anyway.
And while I do think self-acceptance is an inside job as everyone has said here, I think we shouldn't underestimate the power of love too much. While I don't think I've helped any guys accept themselves more in a big way, I know that experiencing love and support from a partner has helped ME achieve greater self-acceptance. They reminded me to not be so judgemental towards myself when I needed that reminder. And because I deeply respected their opinions, their opinion that I was enough, that I was great in various respects, that I had a lot to be proud of, had an impact on me. So I think it's possible to be instrumental in helping someone achieve greater self-acceptance, but only indirectly, and only if they are putting in the work for themselves already.
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Post by feelsunshine on Feb 27, 2023 13:56:16 GMT -5
many good points have been said here.
I also think you can help them a bit, but really only the top of the iceberg. The stuff that’s in the deep, that’s the stuff that they have to fight on their own.
and I also think you can only help so much in talking but more in actions like staying calm if there’s yet another bladder/bowel incident or if any action takes much longer than you expect it to take. Or if it would be 100x faster if you help but they want to do it on their own.
I’m probably the least patient person in the world, but with pwd friends I am calm and patient when I know they need me to be that way at that particular moment.
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