How do U introduce your disability (in the hope of dating)?

[loupip]

Hi there, 

It has kinda never happened to me before. But lately I've been trying the dating apps : Actually, girls finds me very attractive, we can flirt and everything. Eventually, for the first time earlier,  when someone asked for a body pic : I told her that I was in wheelchair and then she blocked me. (It was one of the finest girl I ever seen) ... :-D But beyond that, I warned her that if it was unusual for her, it was not an issue if she ghosted me or something. But in that case, I'd like an explanation ...

The thing is that she disappeared without telling me nothing : I would not say that I'm really hurt or something like this, but that's weird. I know that in general, I'm very outgoing ;  and people do love me beacause "us" we have a power of attraction and the capacity  to gather  people together if you do things well. :-)  I like my mind and intelligence but not my body so much. And for the first time that I'm being honnest on a dating app --> boom she liked me.  And eventually; she ghosted me !  I'm not that worry in real life, or regarding women who are really into me in real life ;  (as they really know me). But this expereience, it's like being ghosted not for something you did wrong. But rather for a part of you that you cannot actually change whatsoever ...In fact, that's really weird (even more virtually than in real life I guess.) :-)

[imupforanything]

IMO it's best to be up-front first. It's almost like a breach of trust when you do then tell someone from my experience.

This isn't really direct advice, in my case that has worked out better.

I have found it's way better to meet people in-person and be friendly and talkative and usually people just engage with you (and not your disability). Let's them get to know you more than a picture could ever convey.

[infinatedreams]

I dont do online-dating apps, never have so my advice might be pants.

But if I was, id have it in my profile I had xxxxxx disability but also a nice profile pic of me in my chair doing something, maybe sports or outdoors wheeling about (kills that stereotype many still believe that we wheeler dudes spend all day infront of the tv or computer)

So before anyone 'likes' you they know that your disabled but also that you get out and about and enjoy life.

[loupip]

You’re right … Outside it’s actually more easy : People are into me, and I kinda do nothing in return, because I do know that I can have their hearts already. Eventually, people cannot actually block you if they see your real self … I know that dating apps are all fake : But … When you do pick someone real and they’re rejecting you because you’re disabled it’s tuff : I would prefer to live rejection for real if I had the choice (lol). 🙂

[Braced4Impact]

I treat it like taking off a bandaid. The faster you get through the pain, the easier it is. I tried some online dating apps and had a few great conversations with some women, but then when I mentioned my disability, they found convenient excuses that they suddenly had to go and I never heard from them again. So, I'm of the mindset, get it done early so if they can't handle it, you're not invested in the conversation. Might lose out on a lot of potential conversations, but are you really? If they can't handle the fact you have a disability, do you really want them as a relationship type? So, I say put it on your profile or mention it at the outset so nobody's time is wasted and less heartbreak is involved. You'll get less hits, but more quality ones.

[loupip]

May 10, 2023 10:25:12 GMT -5 Braced4Impact said:

I treat it like taking off a bandaid. The faster you get through the pain, the easier it is. I tried some online dating apps and had a few great conversations with some women, but then when I mentioned my disability, they found convenient excuses that they suddenly had to go and I never heard from them again. So, I'm of the mindset, get it done early so if they can't handle it, you're not invested in the conversation. Might lose out on a lot of potential conversations, but are you really? If they can't handle the fact you have a disability, do you really want them as a relationship type? So, I say put it on your profile or mention it at the outset so nobody's time is wasted and less heartbreak is involved. You'll get less hits, but more quality ones.

Yes and yes. But, talking about one night stand ... How do you deal with everything ?

[Braced4Impact]

May 10, 2023 10:35:12 GMT -5 loupip said:

May 10, 2023 10:25:12 GMT -5 Braced4Impact said:

I treat it like taking off a bandaid. The faster you get through the pain, the easier it is. I tried some online dating apps and had a few great conversations with some women, but then when I mentioned my disability, they found convenient excuses that they suddenly had to go and I never heard from them again. So, I'm of the mindset, get it done early so if they can't handle it, you're not invested in the conversation. Might lose out on a lot of potential conversations, but are you really? If they can't handle the fact you have a disability, do you really want them as a relationship type? So, I say put it on your profile or mention it at the outset so nobody's time is wasted and less heartbreak is involved. You'll get less hits, but more quality ones.

Yes and yes. But, talking about one night stand ... How do you deal with everything ?

That I have no experience with.  I would do whatever you need to self-heal.  Whether that's going out in nature or choking the chicken, or whatever it is to help. 

[feelsunshine]

I hope it’s ok to jump in from a Dev’s view.

I tried dating apps over and over again and usually gave up after browsing through I guess 500 profiles without seeing a single wheeler.

I’ve always dreamt about finding a guy online, maybe thinking that he’s an AB guy, getting to know him by texting and later - after I already fell in love with his character - then finding out he’s a wheeler, - this would be my perfect match made in heaven - I guess that’s a 0.something chance that this is going to happen.

Therefore, we like it if you guys are up front and already show us your disability in pictures. It’s not necessarily needed to be a full body image, it’s enough if you show only a glimpse of the wheelchair. Believe me, devs will find you ;-)
If it’s a dating app with text search possibilities, make sure you mention the name or words relating to your disability e.g. “wheelchair”, because we tend to look for opportunities to search sites for these keywords.

I totally go with what Braced4Impact said. Be open about it, you’ll get probably less likes from the vast majority but the ones who send you likes will be the ones worth talking to.

All the best!

[loupip]

You wanna hear a good story ?! We spoke yesterday and she said « I don’t mind » … So I was wrong, I guess she hasn’t blocked me. (But I’m not sure : Maybe she did now she has seen my body lol -->  I hope we are going to speak together again but let's wait and see) ! I suppose the  lesson of that is ; when girls are really quiet and flaky : (Or maybe they don’t have the time to reply) -->  Be sure that they are into you ...  It works if you put your heart on the table and shows vulnerability too I guess … 🙂

[not THAT violet]

May 15, 2023 9:05:51 GMT -5 loupip said:

It works if you put your heart on the table and shows vulnerability too I guess … 🙂

I’ve said it elsewhere… honesty and especially vulnerability are absolute fucking catnip for me. Swoon central. It’s like, “Oh, if only I had a wonderful lady who could help me heal these deep uncertainties and Truly Become the Man I Know I Can Be… but I can’t do it alone…”

“*pant pant pant* IAMTHATLADY!!! ME!!! MEEEEE!!!!!”

[vvulfie]

Be up front. Your profile/pic is an *opportunity* to weed out anyone before you have to do it yourself. This is both respectful to yourself and minimizes the reasons to feel bad that will over time wear you down internally and physically. It minimizes "left-swipes", maximizing the "right" ones, cutting out the one's that aren't worth your attention anyways. If you're worn out, you're probably not in a place to date, so don't do that to yourself. You are in control.

That said, you're not doomed to profile descriptions/pics strictly about disability. In fact, what is attractive is probably all that you do outside [despite] your chair. It *enables* disability to ADD to you without it being the point; a compliment. You are YOU body and mind. In your profile pic, make sure your chair/whatever is obvious too, for the same values. In your bio it doesn't need to be the first thing, but keep it up front and brief; honest and clear. Feel free to add style, humor, whatever. With that youre not a tragedy and you're someone moving forwards, worth dating. Disability becomes a complimentary feature of yourself. Keep it that way and allow yourself to be you. Otherwise, it's all a front.

[not THAT violet]

Yeah, vvulfie does a great job of it himself. He’s got pretty much nothing but outdoorsy pics, so:

*that’s what he likes and would ostensibly hope to share with a partner (which is, uh, also helpful to those of us who sadly do not have a great relationship with nature 😬)

*it gives people something else to talk about, possibly something in common, instead of just focusing on the disability stuff as being so different and unusual

*it lets them see that YOU are active and interesting and don’t just lie around all day doing nothing (speaking mainly of myself here ). That’s the unfortunate reality of disability: the burden is on you to prove that you’re more than whatever they might assume.

So, yeah, not everybody is gonna do naked Paul Bunyan cosplay on wheels like Brawny Guy over here, but you can figure out what works for you. Maybe it’s music! Maybe it’s fashion! Maybe it’s video games! Whatever! You’ve got something to share.

[vvulfie]

if anyone wants naked paul bunyan advice well ill play.. lol. thanks violet i wish i had thought from that perspective

[Sova]

Slightly off-topic but, I've noticed that in the last few years when dating, I don't get asked about my disability.  At all.
I mean, even in general, I got asked last week by the guy fixing my tennis chair tire at the bike shop, "So... what happened" for the first time in - I don't even know how long. And to be straight up, it kind of threw me for a curve. It simply never comes up anymore.

Over the years, it had become this mundane thing where I was reflexively answering it like a politician to their constituents. But I just never get asked anymore, so when I do, it almost blows my brain.

I remember griping on here wayyy back about when people would have no tact; just vomiting out inappropriate questions right out the gate. And now, I find myself jokingly asking my dates "Aren't you going to ask me 'What happened?'" with a satirical faux outrage for kicks 🤔😆

I get amused with the fascination of whether they're apathetic to it (in the spirit of acceptance), or unsure about asking.



Oh how the turntables ...

[not THAT violet]

Sova! Look at you, popping in from the ether!

also if you’re on the market let a girl know plz