wonkywheeler
New Member
Posts: 20
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by wonkywheeler on Jun 9, 2023 8:06:56 GMT -5
First of all, other than the lack of sex, me and my partner (able-bodied) have a great relationship. We genuinely love each other, communicate well and live a good life.
A couple of years into our marriage, my wife told me she is asexual and that sex with me has been very difficult (sometimes painful). Respecting her needs, I told her that she shouldn't force herself just for my sake. Unfortunately, I find it a big turnoff when my partner isn't sexually interested in me. I always fear that, due to my muscle illness, that sex with me is a chore. We did try switching things up for a while, for example with toys, but nothing worked. Our bedroom died, leaving me sexually frustrated.
A month or so ago, I explained my sexual needs to my wife and hinted at an open relationship. However, I knew this wasn't going to work when she started crying. In the end, I had a choice to make. Live with my sexual frustration and stay with the love of my life, or satisfy my needs and leave her. I chose her, but it has been difficult.
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writerg
Junior Member
Posts: 67
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by writerg on Jun 9, 2023 8:45:28 GMT -5
If you are okay with cuddling, kissing and other forms of affection, stay with her. Yes, other people might give you sex but finding a loyal person man/woman is hard to find whether you are able-bodied or disabled. Now if it a platonic friendship, you have a decision to make.
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wonkywheeler
New Member
Posts: 20
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by wonkywheeler on Jun 9, 2023 9:05:17 GMT -5
If you are okay with cuddling, kissing and other forms of affection, stay with her. Yes, other people might give you sex but finding a loyal person man/woman is hard to find whether you are able-bodied or disabled. Now if it a platonic friendship, you have a decision to make. The affection is still there, so I am content with the relationship other than our sex life. Thanks for the advice though.
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Post by devogirl on Jun 9, 2023 9:22:35 GMT -5
I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you. Sex drive mismatch is one of the most difficult and frustrating things to deal with as a couple. There's no good solution unfortunately. But that doesn't mean you're totally out of options.
Physically painful sex and being asexual are not necessarily the same thing. If she is indeed asexual you have to respect that, but if she's feeling an aversion to sex because of physical symptoms (vulvodynia and/or vaginismus) it's worth pursuing with a doctor to see if anything can be done. These are very difficult conditions to treat and it's hard to find a doctor who really understands it, but there are resources online.
Are you seeing a therapist? Individually and as a couple would be a good idea. It would help her to process her sexual feelings, whether she embraces an asexual identity or wants to work on learning to be sexual. That's her choice! But it's also unfair of her to force you to give up sex. Look up the books and advice by Esther Perel on dealing with this problem. There's no easy fix but you deserve a more open dialog than just hints and crying. If you're going to stay together you need a more tenable solution, not one that will eventually lead to resentment.
Also I think it can be hard to find a therapist who really understands disability, but it's worth trying. I'm sure sex with you is not a chore for the right person. Becoming more confident about your own sexuality may help point you towards a better situation as well.
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Post by newjess on Jun 9, 2023 10:27:29 GMT -5
This is something I've had to navigate with my partners and can provide my insight.
I am demisexual and absolutely need the emotional connection to be in a healthy place, as well as my own emotional wellness. For example, right now I am dealing with treatment for sleep apnea and it has me totally wrecked. This obviously has impacted my sex drive, but my partner and I have found ways to meet his sexual needs in a way that feels really good for me too.
I found myself in a vicous cycle with other partners where their sexual needs weren't getting met, it made me feel inadequate, which made me even less interested in sex, etc.
With my current partner, we navigate this in a couple ways. First, if I'm up for being sexy but I just have no energy and/or not in the mood for penetration, we do easy going things like lazy hand jobs (lol), or he takes care of himself while I kiss him and we're affectionate, etc. Though, if you require penetration, long sessions, and/or energized sexual activity to have your needs met, this of course wouldn't really be a solution.
We also are very open about ENM. Right now, he's happy just being with me, but we're always keeping the conversation going and I check in with him often to see if he's feeling like he may want to open things up to make sure his needs are being met. He's doing a lot of caretaking for me right now as well, so I really want to make sure he's able to get his needs met too.
But, it took me a long time and A LOT of healing to get to this place. I had a lot of sexual and emotional trauma to work through in therapy, but also I needed proof that my partner wouldn't get mad or annoyed with me if I didn't want to have sex (as other partners had throughout my life). He did prove this to me, it took a good half a year before I really started to believe it, but now I feel so safe and comfortable with him. He also grew up with disabled parents, so he's totally fine making adjustments and accommodating as needed when I'm dealing with fatigue, etc.
It can be really scary talking about opening up the relationship, especially if your wife has attachment wounds (I do myself). But, I am proof that it is possible to get to a better place with lots of patience, care, and therapy.
Wishing you and your wife all the best. I know this is a really hard thing to go through, but it sounds like you're really willing to put in the work and the care to get to a better place with this together, which is really wonderful and a testament to your love.
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Post by Dr. BiPAP Sachin on Jun 9, 2023 18:26:52 GMT -5
Oh man, that's a tough one. I hope things work out in favor of both you and your wife in this situation. Sexual intimacy with your partner can be a tricky issue for both disabled and non-disabled people.
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Post by Green on Jun 11, 2023 22:24:55 GMT -5
We genuinely love each other, communicate well Maybe you guys don't actually communicate well? You seem to be posting this because you feel stuck, so I'm offering that question to help you get unstuck. If she didn't tell you she was asexual until a few years into the marriage, that's a sign of poor communication about sex. You say you hinted at a open relationship, but I would think if you communicate well, you would not hint at it. You would just tell her.
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Post by wheelzoffortune on Jun 11, 2023 22:41:30 GMT -5
Yeesh. That is rough.
I wonder, theoretically, what would be worse. A relationship where the sex is amazing, but everything else sucks or the opposite.
Tbh, I think I'd rather have bad/no sex and an otherwise great relationship. I get that not everyone is that way, though.
(Of course I'd really rather have a awesome relationship with equally awesome sex lmao.)
Hope you can get it figured out.
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Post by devogirl on Jun 11, 2023 23:55:28 GMT -5
I wonder, theoretically, what would be worse. A relationship where the sex is amazing, but everything else sucks or the opposite.
In my experience, a relationship with great sex but no other connection doesn't last that long because at least one of the partners is not that invested. This kind of relationship can also be toxic or abusive. Strong emotions lead to intense sex but that's not always a good thing.
On the other hand, a strong emotional connection makes people stay in a relationship where the sexual disconnect is making one or both partners miserable. It's really hard to extricate yourself from that situation, in part because we're socialized to think of sex as separate from daily life. There's a lot of social stigma against admitting to friends and family that you're splitting up because of sex drive mismatch, or because one partner has a kink the other doesn't share. Family members will say things like "But she seems so nice! Why can't you work it out?" and you don't want to explain to grandma that really it's because you want to explore BDSM.
IMHO both situations are bad in different ways and not sustainable long term.
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kwhi13
Junior Member
Posts: 89
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Post by kwhi13 on Jun 12, 2023 12:45:01 GMT -5
Dude, you are in a difficult spot. I wish I had a clue regarding your position. I wish you a successful resolution. Regards,
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Post by mnquad07 on Jun 12, 2023 14:17:45 GMT -5
Dang, I want to say something but can't think of anything helpful, sorry. She could always sit on your face?
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wonkywheeler
New Member
Posts: 20
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by wonkywheeler on Jun 24, 2023 17:02:32 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for the kind replies. You are all awesome. As for an update, I am slowly working to convince my wife to be more sexually active. We shall see if it works out. However, not having sex isn't the end of the world to me.
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Post by Dr. BiPAP Sachin on Jun 24, 2023 20:09:59 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for the kind replies. You are all awesome. As for an update, I am slowly working to convince my wife to be more sexually active. We shall see if it works out. However, not having sex isn't the end of the world to me. Here's to hoping that it does work out for the both of you. I agree with your last sentence as well, I think that's the right attitude.
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Post by mona on Jun 25, 2023 9:37:51 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for the kind replies. You are all awesome. As for an update, I am slowly working to convince my wife to be more sexually active. We shall see if it works out. However, not having sex isn't the end of the world to me. Sorry, but „convincing” a woman to “be more sexually active” doesn’t sound like a good idea to me.
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Post by Enid on Jun 26, 2023 7:50:04 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for the kind replies. You are all awesome. As for an update, I am slowly working to convince my wife to be more sexually active. We shall see if it works out. However, not having sex isn't the end of the world to me. Just a tip (which should be obvious, but in my personal experience it isn't): don't make it about your lack of sex, which is what the open relationship suggestion actually did. Whatever you say, phrase it in a way that says that you miss her.
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