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Sadness
Mar 24, 2024 7:26:30 GMT -5
Post by kat on Mar 24, 2024 7:26:30 GMT -5
So to preface this, I've spent a big chunk of my life being frustrated over the depth of sadness that many people seem to feel for people with disabilities. As I don't feel that sadness myself, I have a hard time conceptualizing what the "correct" amount of sadness to feel is, if there even is such a thing.
So to the PWD here, I'd like to ask which of these best represents how you feel about your disability (feel free to elaborate): A) I think being disabled is a negative thing. It's understandable if people feel a little sad for me. B) I think being disabled is neither positive or negative, it just is. I don't want anybody to feel sad for me.
And for the devs, have any of you ever been surprised at feeling sadness for a partner? Maybe the general idea of someone living with a disability didn't do anything to you, but once you saw how it affects someone you care about, it changed? I'm curious.
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lyon11
Junior Member
Posts: 55
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Sadness
Mar 24, 2024 11:08:16 GMT -5
Post by lyon11 on Mar 24, 2024 11:08:16 GMT -5
In my case, I consider that it is negative (because what more would I like than to lead a life like that of someone AB) but, it is not enough for them to feel sad for me, because when analyzing my past I have experienced good and bad things like any other person and some of them (which I value and are an important part of my life) perhaps I would not have experienced or enjoyed them as much being AB, so I would not want anyone to feel sad for me. So answering your question would be ½ A and ½ B
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Sadness
Mar 24, 2024 12:08:48 GMT -5
Post by mnquad07 on Mar 24, 2024 12:08:48 GMT -5
negative & positive. It really depends on the day and what's going on. of course we all have bad days and good days. I try to stay positive, if I can. Joking about everything helps especially with others. Of course I wouldn't want help but I have realized I need it. I would love to be able to sit here and say that being disabled is what is and I don't want others to feel sorry but I'd be lying. I think it's natural to curse your disability, your situation, your problems, your fear.
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Post by Dani on Mar 24, 2024 14:30:27 GMT -5
I'm an emotional person; sometimes, at times, my emotions get the better of me, and then I'm not very factual anymore, or I see the glass half empty.
My feelings about PWD are different for acquired and congenital disabilities. I feel no sadness about congenital disabilities but curiosity and admiration for the way PWD with congenital disabilities navigate the AB world and have done so since they were born.
For people with acquired disabilities, I feel different - still curiosity and admiration, but also sadness. Part of my devness lies in the "before and after" for guys with SCI, mostly affecting walking and lack thereof. I think a lot about how I would cope with such a life-altering disability and if I would be strong enough. So, I have a fascination for PWD with acquired disabilities, just as I have a deep sadness. I don't show that in words or actions like pitying or something, but I just think about it a lot and with that am very curious.
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Post by ayla on Mar 24, 2024 16:16:24 GMT -5
Good question, kat. In general in the abstract I don't feel any sadness over disability. Obviously I recognize that it can make life is harder in different ways but... life is also harder for people who face racism, poverty, sexism, etc. and I don't automatically feel sad for those people. Sometimes I feel sad for certain limitations that people have in certain situations but definitely not a blanket feeling of sadness that they're disabled. No more than I would have a blanket feeling of sadness for someone being black, although I'd feel sad (and angry) in a situation where they were treated unfairly as a result! When I have gotten more emotionally connected to specific pwd, every now and then I will experience a wave of sadness to do with their disability which always seems to take me by surprise, and is always short lived.
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lyon11
Junior Member
Posts: 55
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
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Post by lyon11 on Mar 24, 2024 19:11:38 GMT -5
Well Dani, no one is strong enough at the beginning. Like everything in life it is a process. Without a doubt, we LME long for what we lost in terms of physical abilities, but we are not going to stay sad or crying, we must learn to make do with what we have. I would prefer admiration or empathy.
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Post by Braced4Impact on Mar 24, 2024 20:07:29 GMT -5
How I'd classify it is, I have a disability, and I don't think of it as a positive thing, but it is an influence on who I am and have become. I don't want anyone to feel sad or sorry for me, because frankly, it's not helpful. I think sympathy and empathy are different than pity. If you have sympathy and empathy for my disability, it shows you understand I can't do everything a fully able-bodied person would be able to do, or I might do things differently. Pity would be demoralizing and dehumanizing.
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smilefile
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Location: Berlin
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Post by smilefile on Mar 25, 2024 1:34:55 GMT -5
first of all thumbs up for your interesting topic @ kat. so let me try to give some answers: Why do many people feel such a big amount of sadness when they are confronted with disability? I would say because dissability triggers their fears. we all tend to misjuge a persons suffering if we are not familiar with it this is a psychological matter. If we are afraid of something it is much bigger, much harder much more horrible in our imagination than it is in fact in reality and this is also true when we talk about disability. Is peoples sadness helpfull for PWD ? If I am sad I need comfort is this helpful for anybody else? of course not. Sadness occurs when we are overwhelmed from a situation when we are unable to handle or solve a problem. Nevertheless sadness can also be appropriate, when it shows sympathy to a person who in fact is really sad. The "problem" is that people in wheelchairs are not often in such a sadness... Let me illustrate What (sadly ) sometimes can happen when a PWD strolls around in his wheelchair: Lets say It´s my birthday and my boss had promoted me the day before. The night with my girlfriend was exciting too of course and at least as tasty as the wonderful breakfast afterwards... I´m on cloud number nine and then a random guy/Woman comes my way sees me in my wheelchair and says: "Oh I´m so sorry for you brother, I can feel your pain and the big burden you have to carry I don´t know if I could bear this... In such situations I feeel like I´m in a commedy otherwise my good mood would change.
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talkingdeafgirl
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Posts: 55
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Sadness
Mar 25, 2024 1:44:51 GMT -5
Post by talkingdeafgirl on Mar 25, 2024 1:44:51 GMT -5
The whole world has always viewed a disability as a bad thing whether congenital or to acquire it later in life, and therefore it is something to be sad about all the time. A disabled person rarely wants pity but rather to be understood that we too have certain limitations in life, but also that we do enjoy life to the fullest as much as possible depending on the type of disability. However, yes there are happy days and sad days which we face all the time, it's the ratio which is different from a non-disabled to a disabled one. Like the disabled tend to have more sad days as compared to the AB people which tends to drive the disabled more towards depression, suicides etc... In fact, a recent study revealed that almost every disabled person is prone to have some form of depression.
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Post by sy on Mar 26, 2024 7:46:08 GMT -5
I don't think people are sad, instead I think most people are just empathetic.
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Sadness
Mar 26, 2024 21:21:45 GMT -5
Post by PacMan on Mar 26, 2024 21:21:45 GMT -5
So to preface this, I've spent a big chunk of my life being frustrated over the depth of sadness that many people seem to feel for people with disabilities. As I don't feel that sadness myself, I have a hard time conceptualizing what the "correct" amount of sadness to feel is, if there even is such a thing. So to the PWD here, I'd like to ask which of these best represents how you feel about your disability (feel free to elaborate): A) I think being disabled is a negative thing. It's understandable if people feel a little sad for me. B) I think being disabled is neither positive or negative, it just is. I don't want anybody to feel sad for me. And for the devs, have any of you ever been surprised at feeling sadness for a partner? Maybe the general idea of someone living with a disability didn't do anything to you, but once you saw how it affects someone you care about, it changed? I'm curious. Sorry for not being able to give an exact answer, but I feel as a PWD how you feel about it changes over time and with age. For me I've become more at peace with myself and my situation, I've become more accepting of my life and my lot. As for AB people feeling sad for PWD I really don’t know, do they? Do most AB people not feel fear more than anything when they see a PWD? Fear in the regard they don’t think they could cope or how they’d cope if they were in your shoes, do most AB people not think that leaving an AB life to become a person PWD type life would be so bad it wouldn’t be worth living?
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Post by kat on Mar 27, 2024 12:11:12 GMT -5
Lots of interesting answers, thanks guys. I agree with the notion that everyone deals with both good and bad stuff. Disability is often objectively hard, but I also think that most people adapt to the difficulty to a degree that makes it easier to deal with. How much easier, that varies. In any case, I often feel that it's this degree of adaptation that many AB people fail to take into account when they react to people with disabilities. Maybe they imagine how they would feel if they were to suddenly become disabled themselves (the fear smilefile and PacMan mentioned) and then project that feeling onto the actual disabled person. The problem with that is that they're projecting Day 1 feelings onto someone who might be on Day 1000 of being disabled, or maybe even Day 10,000. Maybe they've never known anything different. I don't think people are sad, instead I think most people are just empathetic. I'm sure this is true for many people, but how do you distinguish between someone being sad for you and someone being empathetic? Or even someone feeling pity? I think there's often kind of a fine line.
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Sadness
Mar 27, 2024 18:26:02 GMT -5
Post by PacMan on Mar 27, 2024 18:26:02 GMT -5
Lots of interesting answers, thanks guys. I agree with the notion that everyone deals with both good and bad stuff. Disability is often objectively hard, but I also think that most people adapt to the difficulty to a degree that makes it easier to deal with. How much easier, that varies. In any case, I often feel that it's this degree of adaptation that many AB people fail to take into account when they react to people with disabilities. Maybe they imagine how they would feel if they were to suddenly become disabled themselves (the fear smilefile and PacMan mentioned) and then project that feeling onto the actual disabled person. The problem with that is that they're projecting Day 1 feelings onto someone who might be on Day 1000 of being disabled, or maybe even Day 10,000. Maybe they've never known anything different. I don't think people are sad, instead I think most people are just empathetic. I'm sure this is true for many people, but how do you distinguish between someone being sad for you and someone being empathetic? Or even someone feeling pity? I think there's often kind of a fine line. One thing that really upsets me kat is when its said to me by AB people how they think just because I was born with my disability and haven’t know life any other way it must be some how easier than if I became disabled through accident or illness. This really gets to me sometimes because just because I have a genetic condition and that’s has always been the way my life has been doesn’t mean that I don’t wonder and imagine what my life would have been like if I was AB. Doesn’t stop me wondering and thinking about everything that I have missed out on. I sometimes think it might be easier if you became disabled rather than born disabled simply because you have the memorise of what you did, all those experiences you had, experiences that someone like me never got the chance to have and never will. Believe me being born with a disability is just as difficult as becoming disabled just in a different way and I wish people would understand this more.
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Sadness
Mar 29, 2024 12:46:41 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by sy on Mar 29, 2024 12:46:41 GMT -5
Honestly you are right it's very hard to distinguish between the two. Pity and empathy are often one in the same, in order to pity someone it requires empathy in the first place. This is similar to sadness it also requires empathy, but there's one thing that sadness is something you feel when someone is genuinely sad for you. My answer would be love, because for example to feel sad for someone you also need to feel love.
I can tell you about 99% of mothers of a disabled child feel sad for their child. I don't share the same opinion as most disabled people, I don't view pity as a inherent negative.
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hiimkai
New Member
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Sadness
Mar 30, 2024 1:52:34 GMT -5
Post by hiimkai on Mar 30, 2024 1:52:34 GMT -5
B is pretty accurate for me.
Though I will say that I don't necessarily like my disability, it's just something I deal with. I don't necessarily think about it until people bring it up or it becomes a direct obstacle to what I'm trying to do. The most depressed about my disability I feel is normally when I go to doctor appointments because there I'm having to think about it. The worst in recent times was when I went to a dentist to see if I had cavities, I had 4 all on one side, and he basically said it's unavoidable because of my disability.
Apart from that most of my sadness though comes from loneliness.
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