winters
New Member
Posts: 18
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
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Post by winters on Apr 3, 2024 11:29:13 GMT -5
(But it was a seed.)
A million years ago, in the late aughts, I found this site.
I was in my early twenties. Young. Inexperienced. Naïve. Repressed. (Thanks, Catholic school.)
I made a handful of posts and connected with a few users—but, while it was a relief to find community, it also felt overwhelming. I had other priorities distracting me, plus, I wasn’t in a position to travel to see someone I’d met online. Despite my secret hope, I never encountered men who were my “type” out “in the wild.”
So, I pushed it down. I deleted my account. I thought if I fulfilled all the other goals for a happy life then my sexuality didn’t need to take precedence.
But the best laid plans and whatnot…
Fast forward to now and a lot has unwound for me in recent weeks and months. Most notably, after years of an untenable dynamic, my longtime [AB] partner and I decided to open up our relationship and see other people, and I turned forty and finally allowed myself the self reflection to stop burying my desires. (It wasn’t working anyways. They’ve taken root and pushed towards daylight with unrelenting determination.)
I cut two eyeholes in the front page of a newspaper to peek at this board countless times over the past 15 or so years. I imagined what responses I’d write to threads, people I would want to connect with, insights I’d want to post…
So, now I am.
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Post by justnick on Apr 3, 2024 11:35:45 GMT -5
Welcome back. I can imagine it being very difficult to keep something so primal under wraps.
Out of curiosity, are you comfortable sharing your previous screen name?
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winters
New Member
Posts: 18
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
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Post by winters on Apr 3, 2024 11:42:37 GMT -5
When I can DM I can message you and see if we ever exchanged a hello once upon a time! (I’m trying to recall…)Otherwise I want to check and make sure I didn’t say anything too cringe-inducing first. (I’m travelling and trying to navigate the board on my phone with intermittent wifi. I was too relieved to receive admin approval to wait to post and get settled, so to speak.)
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Post by justnick on Apr 3, 2024 11:45:15 GMT -5
When I can DM I can message you and see if we ever exchanged a hello once upon a time! (I’m trying to recall…)Otherwise I want to check and make sure I didn’t say anything too cringe-inducing first. (I’m travelling and trying to navigate the board on my phone with intermittent wifi. I was too relieved to receive admin approval to wait to post and get settled, so to speak.) I just sent a DM that I think you can reply to as a newbie.
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Post by ayla on Apr 3, 2024 12:05:12 GMT -5
winters ...are you me? Sounds like it... welcome back!!
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winters
New Member
Posts: 18
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
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Post by winters on Apr 3, 2024 12:21:51 GMT -5
winters ...are you me? Sounds like it... welcome back!! It’s certainly possible. We contain multitudes, after all.
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Post by ichbin on Apr 3, 2024 14:54:41 GMT -5
oh, yes, that´s me, too..... opened an account age 32 and after three years stopped using it. newly started at age 42. I love your introduction, winters, and it´s so cool you are where you are now. You can´t deny and suppress who you are forever, can you? Even if it takes decades.... I know what I´m talking about...
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Post by ayla on Apr 3, 2024 15:03:46 GMT -5
40s are the new 20s, I said what I said
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celkan
New Member
We will rise together !
Posts: 20
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by celkan on Apr 3, 2024 15:33:05 GMT -5
Welcome home Winters !
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Post by PacMan on Apr 3, 2024 21:02:59 GMT -5
(But it was a seed.) A million years ago, in the late aughts, I found this site. I was in my early twenties. Young. Inexperienced. Naïve. Repressed. (Thanks, Catholic school.) I made a handful of posts and connected with a few users—but, while it was a relief to find community, it also felt overwhelming. I had other priorities distracting me, plus, I wasn’t in a position to travel to see someone I’d met online. Despite my secret hope, I never encountered men who were my “type” out “in the wild.” So, I pushed it down. I deleted my account. I thought if I fulfilled all the other goals for a happy life then my sexuality didn’t need to take precedence. But the best laid plans and whatnot… Fast forward to now and a lot has unwound for me in recent weeks and months. Most notably, after years of an untenable dynamic, my longtime [AB] partner and I decided to open up our relationship and see other people, and I turned forty and finally allowed myself the self reflection to stop burying my desires. (It wasn’t working anyways. They’ve taken root and pushed towards daylight with unrelenting determination.) I cut two eyeholes in the front page of a newspaper to peek at this board countless times over the past 15 or so years. I imagined what responses I’d write to threads, people I would want to connect with, insights I’d want to post… So, now I am. Hi winters . winters hope you don’t mind me asking, two questions. Do you feel any regrets that you suppressed your Dev feelings and desires all this time, do you feel that you’ve wasted time by not going with your desires of meeting PWD before now? And second, you said at the time you didn’t really find your type back when you had your other account, so I’m asking is there any chance your type these days might be short Irish guys who use powerchairs and who have OI kinda like having your very own Leprechaun because if it is be sure to PM me I’d love to chat.
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winters
New Member
Posts: 18
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
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Post by winters on Apr 4, 2024 12:46:40 GMT -5
What time we could spend wondering about our choices, right? Every sliding door. Every fork in the road.
Perhaps my answer would be different if I had met the right person, the right fit, the right time, and still chose to let him go to pursue a different path.
But that isn’t what happened.
I might have sacrificed a possibility of what could have been—but haven’t we all? Following that thread of waiting, hoping, and searching might still have led me to the very same place at which I am now, and maybe with fewer precious experiences.
To be clear, I appreciate so much of my life. While burying this part of me has been difficult, that tiny painful spot remains surrounded by a fondness for my past and a hope for my future.
I think it might have been unclear in my post but I did indeed meet people on this board (just not the right person). It was out in the “real world” where I never found what I was looking for.
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Post by Dani on Apr 4, 2024 13:59:58 GMT -5
Welcome back winters ! It's a journey, and most devs can relate and pinpoint common moments, interests, and reflections. Hopefully, you are open to sticking around this time. The community is still here and still alive.
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not THAT violet
Full Member
Please, no unsolicited “sup?” PMs :)
Posts: 133
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by not THAT violet on Apr 4, 2024 14:00:55 GMT -5
Yep, been there.
🤜🏼🤛🏼
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Post by mnquad07 on Apr 5, 2024 15:20:09 GMT -5
welcome back! Don't hide yourself or anything else. Be you do you and spend time with all of us here.
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highhands89
New Member
Posts: 38
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by highhands89 on Apr 9, 2024 14:31:14 GMT -5
I cut two eyeholes in the front page of a newspaper to peek at this board countless times over the past 15 or so years. I imagined what responses I’d write to threads, people I would want to connect with, insights I’d want to post Wow! I can't stop reading that line. Seems like I'm outlier as a PWD hesitant to come out of the shadows, but you have perfectly encapsulated my feelings and trepidations. Thank you for the vulnerability.
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