AB woman Disabled man love story

[jakeonwheels]

I don’t know if you guys like comics but I found a cute one on Kindle called Perfect World about an abled woman who is reunited with her HS crush who has since sustained a spinal cord injury.

It’s for sure from her POV, he’s dealing with a metric assload of internalized ableism which is a little triggering as is her process off “can I date a disabled man.”

It’s cute and romantic, and the art is solid and the wheelchair is not a hospital chair (thank god, be even has a basketball specific chair). So far pretty wholesome normal romance fair plus wheelchair. They touch briefly on subjects like PCAs and infection risks and pressure sores so I appreciate that they are doing some education too.

One of the things that has really hit me hard in this manga so far is that the man’s PCA pulls the new girlfriend aside and is like: “Do you know what you’re doing? Do you get the kind of hope and joy and risk this is for him when it’s something from which you could easily walk away? Not just anyone can date someone with a disability. You have to be ready for it.”

And God don’t I wish that someone had had that conversation with every person I ever dated who would say: “I would never abandon you like that bc you got hurt worse.” “Your care isn’t a burden bc I love you.” “I love you so much it doesn’t matter.” “Your exes sound like monsters, I would never do that.” But basically every relationship I’ve ever had has ended in the same way- me having a flare or trip to the hospital that lasted too long. :/

I’m looking forward to seeing where this goes. There’s like a zillion of them and they’re like 6$ a piece. First one was free!

[Enid]

I've seen the series! It's full of ableist tropes but I binge watched it anyway, and it was fun.

[jakeonwheels]

Oh you can watch it too? I was reading it.

[Enid]

Apr 19, 2024 21:25:50 GMT -5 jakeonwheels said:

Oh you can watch it too? I was reading it.

Yeah, there's a TV Drama about it www.imdb.com/title/tt9688298/

I was looking it up and apparently there's a movie somewhere too.

[dutchdev]

Apr 19, 2024 12:05:55 GMT -5 jakeonwheels said:

One of the things that has really hit me hard in this manga so far is that the man’s PCA pulls the new girlfriend aside and is like: “Do you know what you’re doing? Do you get the kind of hope and joy and risk this is for him when it’s something from which you could easily walk away? Not just anyone can date someone with a disability. You have to be ready for it.”

And God don’t I wish that someone had had that conversation with every person I ever dated who would say: “I would never abandon you like that bc you got hurt worse.” “Your care isn’t a burden bc I love you.” “I love you so much it doesn’t matter.” “Your exes sound like monsters, I would never do that.” But basically every relationship I’ve ever had has ended in the same way- me having a flare or trip to the hospital that lasted too long.

Question, is that really better? Isn’t part of maturing also getting some callous on your heart? While it must suck to have something beyond your control being the reason for a break up, heartbreak is also part of the human experience. The relationship I ended and the relationship that was ended by someone else both had me heartbroken for different reasons, but it also was a growing experience.

In your specific example, do you really know if someone will/can handle things? I am a dev-virgin, very much looking forward to actually getting some experience, a hook up or something more, no idea if real life will actually be what I imagined. Does that mean I shouldn’t even try?

[jakeonwheels]

Apr 20, 2024 9:24:05 GMT -5 dutchdev said:

Apr 19, 2024 12:05:55 GMT -5 jakeonwheels said:

One of the things that has really hit me hard in this manga so far is that the man’s PCA pulls the new girlfriend aside and is like: “Do you know what you’re doing? Do you get the kind of hope and joy and risk this is for him when it’s something from which you could easily walk away? Not just anyone can date someone with a disability. You have to be ready for it.”

And God don’t I wish that someone had had that conversation with every person I ever dated who would say: “I would never abandon you like that bc you got hurt worse.” “Your care isn’t a burden bc I love you.” “I love you so much it doesn’t matter.” “Your exes sound like monsters, I would never do that.” But basically every relationship I’ve ever had has ended in the same way- me having a flare or trip to the hospital that lasted too long.

Question, is that really better? Isn’t part of maturing also getting some callous on your heart? While it must suck to have something beyond your control being the reason for a break up, heartbreak is also part of the human experience. The relationship I ended and the relationship that was ended by someone else both had me heartbroken for different reasons, but it also was a growing experience.

In your specific example, do you really know if someone will/can handle things? I am a dev-virgin, very much looking forward to actually getting some experience, a hook up or something more, no idea if real life will actually be what I imagined. Does that mean I shouldn’t even try?

Oh my goodness I wrote you a whole reply full of nuance and questions and ideas and then PD are it, 😂😂😂

I’m out of spoons right now but I would love to respond to your question later

[punky]

Apr 19, 2024 16:00:11 GMT -5 Enid said:

I've seen the series! It's full of ableist tropes but I binge watched it anyway, and it was fun.

Nice! Do you know where can I watch it with subtitles?

[jakeonwheels]

Apr 20, 2024 9:24:05 GMT -5 dutchdev said:

Apr 19, 2024 12:05:55 GMT -5 jakeonwheels said:

One of the things that has really hit me hard in this manga so far is that the man’s PCA pulls the new girlfriend aside and is like: “Do you know what you’re doing? Do you get the kind of hope and joy and risk this is for him when it’s something from which you could easily walk away? Not just anyone can date someone with a disability. You have to be ready for it.”

And God don’t I wish that someone had had that conversation with every person I ever dated who would say: “I would never abandon you like that bc you got hurt worse.” “Your care isn’t a burden bc I love you.” “I love you so much it doesn’t matter.” “Your exes sound like monsters, I would never do that.” But basically every relationship I’ve ever had has ended in the same way- me having a flare or trip to the hospital that lasted too long.

Question, is that really better? Isn’t part of maturing also getting some callous on your heart? While it must suck to have something beyond your control being the reason for a break up, heartbreak is also part of the human experience. The relationship I ended and the relationship that was ended by someone else both had me heartbroken for different reasons, but it also was a growing experience.

In your specific example, do you really know if someone will/can handle things? I am a dev-virgin, very much looking forward to actually getting some experience, a hook up or something more, no idea if real life will actually be what I imagined. Does that mean I shouldn’t even try?

I think what it means is that you should really think about what you want out of these interactions. Do you want a boyfriend/partner type? Or are you looking for a one time thing? The differences there matter bc as a partner you’re going to be interacting with disability in an intimate way, the parts that turn you on as well as the parts that are work, and just suck. When you’re with us you will be subjected to the discrimination we face and inaccessible restaurants and just the list goes on.

I think a lot of my exes had these Florence nightingale fantasies where they would take care of my legs and it would just be sexy. But then the reality was when I need leg care is often when I’m in the most pain.

I think everyone wants to believe that they are the type of person who would stick by someone no matter what for love but IME the people who date me get compassion fatigue, then begin to pity me, then tell me they don’t want to be with me bc of the disability they came to me for in the first place. And that hurts so much. It is truly damaging to my psyche having had that happen so many times.

So no, I wouldn’t say don’t try.

I would say just please be mindful and kind, don’t promise the world before you’ve been in the trenches with us and understand what it’s really like be segregated from society by inaccessibility. Remember that you can walk away from disability at any time but we can’t, so walk carefully and be mindful. Bc for me, it’s devastating to be broken up with for disability over and over again.

I think it’s about going into it eyes open and heart open and knowing that there will be struggle. Just like in any relationship but disability does have an added layer.

And bc of the politics of sexual desire and social capitol we just don’t get that many chances. So when someone comes in promising that they’ll never abandon you for care and then realizes it doesn’t match their fantasy so they’re out it’s devastating.

I don’t know, did any of that make sense?

[dutchdev]

Thank you for your elaborate answer, and it made it a lot of sense. I was wondering what your response would be. First of, I am really sorry for the heartbreak you have gone through. 

I am not looking for a boyfriend/partner, but if I meet someone, I would be open to it and right now that would only be with PWD. I am a realist so I know that being a PWD (and as a result) living with a PWD does not make live easier. More than other women I think most devs know and are aware of a lot off the struggles you guys face. Just the fact that I can and have asked a dozen women living it about the reality of living with a PWD (and them willingly offering the struggles) makes me think on a rational level, I know. 

Here comes the tricky part, you do not know on a emotional level what it is like, and how you will respond, until you live it. I have spend most of my adult live fantasizing about PWD and more recently very specific PWD. Even for a hook-up, I don't know if my real life response would be the same as the response to texting/video, I don't know until I try, that is even more true for a relationship. Let alone long term, I don't know if fatigue sets in 5 years from now, there is absolutely no way of knowing that. 

What you are asking is to hold back, stay on guard, but I think I can not do that. Once I am in, I am all in, and believe that it will be forever (based on my single status, that were all lies ). 

I think the main issue is the experience gap and as you say the more limited possibilities for PWD, heartbreak sucks, if the given reason is your disability it sucks even worse. Still does not mean they should have known, or could have known. Or that it is even the main or only reason. I have been broken up with, I think A LOT if not most AB's have experienced a break up (or more than one), we never had a disability to point at as the obvious reason. Which I think can even be a comfort, for me it was just my personality, apparently. 

While I think being honest and managing expectations is important. Heartbreak is also part of live, the only way to prevent that is not putting your heart on the line, avoiding the lows will also mean avoiding the highs. 

[ayla]

I think there are also a multitude of relationships problems and reasons for breakup that might fall under the umbrella of "because of disability." Speaking from an 18 year relationship, I firmly believe that every problem has two components: the literal problem, and the way both people handle the literal problem. Yes, disability brings on more literal problems to troubleshoot, so you need to have a partner that handles problems in a compatible way... as do all functional couples. Everybody brings baggage, and most baggage can't simply be given up. So my advice is: focus less on the content of your baggage (and your partner's baggage) and more on the handling.

[jakeonwheels]

May 1, 2024 11:34:43 GMT -5 ayla said:

I think there are also a multitude of relationships problems and reasons for breakup that might fall under the umbrella of "because of disability." Speaking from an 18 year relationship, I firmly believe that every problem has two components: the literal problem, and the way both people handle the literal problem. Yes, disability brings on more literal problems to troubleshoot, so you need to have a partner that handles problems in a compatible way... as do all functional couples. Everybody brings baggage, and most baggage can't simply be given up. So my advice is: focus less on the content of your baggage (and your partner's baggage) and more on the handling.

I don’t think I’m asking you to hold back, not at all. I think what I’m saying is: don’t make promises you can’t keep.

As you say, you won’t know until you try. So it doesn’t make sense for you to say at 3 months of dating for example “I will be there for you if you’re in the hospital.” if you haven’t done it yet.


So it’s not a hold back, it’s a only offer what you truly DEEPLY know you have to give.

[jakeonwheels]

May 2, 2024 1:51:36 GMT -5 jakeonwheels said:

May 1, 2024 11:34:43 GMT -5 ayla said:

I think there are also a multitude of relationships problems and reasons for breakup that might fall under the umbrella of "because of disability." Speaking from an 18 year relationship, I firmly believe that every problem has two components: the literal problem, and the way both people handle the literal problem. Yes, disability brings on more literal problems to troubleshoot, so you need to have a partner that handles problems in a compatible way... as do all functional couples. Everybody brings baggage, and most baggage can't simply be given up. So my advice is: focus less on the content of your baggage (and your partner's baggage) and more on the handling.

I don’t think I’m asking you to hold back, not at all. I think what I’m saying is: don’t make promises you can’t keep.

As you say, you won’t know until you try. So it doesn’t make sense for you to say at 3 months of dating for example “I will be there for you if you’re in the hospital.” if you haven’t done it yet.


So it’s not a hold back, it’s a only offer what you truly DEEPLY know you have to give.

I absolutely agree with focus on the handling but I’m curious as to what you mean by focusing less on the content. Bc the content literally is people saying things like: “You’re the best person I’ve ever met but having had to go to the hospital made me realize I don’t want to do this.”

And if the content is the same cycle in repetition it would behoove me to take a look at myself, and the people I have chosen to partner with, right?

Or are you saying they may be blaming it on disability but it’s actually something else?

I’m sorry if this is coming off as rude, I’m Autistic as well and my ex said I don’t come across right in email and text. But yeah, I appreciate you answering and am wanting to understand more clearly what you’re saying.

[ayla]

You're not coming off rude at all. What I mean to say, and probably did not say very clearly, is that whatever baggage you bring to a relationship (and we all bring baggage) the thing that matters most is how you and your partner communicate and handle problems. Not what kind of problems they are. Partners need to be compatible in how they approach life's difficulties.

I get what you're saying, I'm sure it's very painful to have people literally telling you that your disability is the reason they don't want to stick it out. I recommend you don't take that statement too literally, because what can it is an oversimplification of a very complex interpersonal dynamic. This is what I mean by not focusing on the baggage, but the handling thereof. You can't change your disability. So if you focus on whether or not someone else "can deal with disability" and won't "promise what they can't deliver" (stuff you have no control over) you are making the content of your baggage (disability) the focus. Furthermore, people will not know ahead of time what your disability entails -- most people are inexperienced in this domain but even if they're familiar with disability generally, or even your condition specifically, they don't know YOU. Therefore, I think it would be more productive to focus on the handling of the baggage: how you personally handle challenges, conflicts, compromises, communication -- and whether your prospective partner handles those things in ways that are compatible. Those things can be explored with lower-stakes issues, and you can learn what the best strategies are for tackling things as a couple and not just as an individual.

There are many different ways to handle challenges as a couple, none of them are the one right way. For example, perhaps you work best with someone who sees things very much like you do and has similar responses, so you understand one another better. OR, in a completely different paradigm, maybe you work best with someone who has an opposite, yet complimentary, way of handling things. Are you a person who likes to talk everything out? Do you like when a partner intuits what to do, even if they might be off the mark? Or do you hate assumptions being made? What are your expectations around time spent together? What ways do you like to give and receive support? And so on. This is what I mean by focus on the handling of the baggage. The specifics -- disability, financial problems, differences in culture/upbringing/priorities, work stress, kids, other areas of incompatibility -- for the most part, they are what they are. That's the baggage we all bring. Looking for someone who can handle the contents of our particular baggage is less productive (bc how would you/they know, nobody has YOUR exact baggage so it's hard to foresee) than looking for someone who you work well with when dealing with problems of all kinds. You can improve, or be flexible about, how you work together as a couple much more easily than you can change the content of your baggage (which often isn't changeable at all).

For example. My husband and I are great at problem solving together for the most part. This is because 1) we are both "talkers" so we align in the sense that we both want to discuss things at length and want to feel heard, so it's natural to give that to one another. AND, even more importantly, 2) we do NOT stress about the same aspects even of the same problem. He is a classic "details person" and I am the "big picture" thinker. If we are planning a trip, he will be stressing about "do we have the passports, what time do we need to call the cab, have we packed all the chargers" and none of that stuff will faze me. Yet, I will be stressing about "will this be a good trip, what will we do if one of us doesn't enjoy it as much, what if the vibes are off at our destination" kind of stuff -- which will not have even crossed his mind. We provide balance to one another's perspective and as a result, are rarely falling apart at the same time and almost never over the same thing. For us, that works very well. For others, the lack of common perspective could be an instant dealbreaker! It all depends on how you, as an individual and as a partner, handle problems best. And yes, problems caused by disability fall under this umbrella too.

Consider WHAT about past experiences has been intolerable for partners. Was it seeing you in pain? Was it not getting enough attention? Was it logistical inconveniences? Were they phobic of hospital environments? There could be 1,000 answers here. You mentioned compassion fatigue. How did that manifest? How could that be mitigated? You can't change the disability (content of baggage), but you can be mindful of avoiding partners who have chronic burnout and don't know how to maintain boundaries for their own wellbeing (handling baggage). Or perhaps there are ways in which you unintentionally make it hard for someone to keep up with the self care that allows them to support you in a sustainable way (I have no idea, this is not an accusation). That -- if relevant -- would be an example of something that you could change ABOUT the disability experience. Like in this hypothetical scenario, if you had a habit of wanting your partner to be available 24/7 by text (I picked this bc it's one my husband would like, lol) you could identify friends or other trusted supports to take on this "I'm here for you anytime" aspect, and encourage your partner to keep up with personal commitments like a dance class or weekly dinner with friends, whatever it is that fills her cup. That's what I mean by focus on the handling, not the content, of the baggage.

Some things about disability are hard, but saying "can you *really* handle disability? Don't get involved if you can't..." completely glosses over your role as an INDIVIDUAL with a disability. Even someone with your exact physical needs might handle it a completely different way, due to their own personality or skills they have learned, etc. What you're ultimately wanting to know is if they can handle the way YOU handle challenges, including those related to your disability. So, it would be more productive to say "there are things in my life that are challenging, THIS is how I deal with them [currently. - leave room for growth and evolution], THESE traits are what I [believe that I] need from a partner." In your example, someone saying "I will be there for you if you're in the hospital" - what does that LITERALLY mean to you, and to them?? Does it mean they will physically be there with you? Does it mean they will be in mental solidarity with you, and not leave the relationship? Does it mean they will bring you cards and flowers, call you? There are so many potential assumptions and expectation (on both sides) of that statement. And what promises are you making to them about how you will handle disability-related issues?

So in short (HAHA), in my opinion it is far more useful to focus on HOW we handle problems rather than WHAT problems we have. When searching for a compatible partner, you want to know: can we tackle life's challenges well together? Yours AND mine?

Plus, if you fail to focus on the handling of the baggage, there is a strong likelihood you will blame the inevitable breakdown on the content of the baggage. This puts you in a worse position going forward and leads to bitterness and despair. Focus on the handling.

[kat]

What a great and insightful post, ayla 🙂

[anonymitea]

I second that! Well said ayla ! Such a beautiful response!