Emotional turmoil

[ghost6871]

Hi everyone,

I've been a member on here off & on for a few years. I've decided to post some of my thoughts on here to maybe get some support from my peers that may have some experience on unrequited love. It's killing me. I originally put some posts on my journal but thought I would share here as well to get some sort of release. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.
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I search and search for my “other” but yet I still feel, and remain utterly alone. I want to have someone in my life to love and to love me in return. Isn’t that the greatest gift, what every human being lives for? I’m getting older now and never been loved the way I dream of. Most people have dates, romances, flings, short relationships – long relationships. I’ve had none. I’m scared that I will always be alone; die alone.

Why do I always desire love that I cannot have? Why does my heart long for others who could never possibly love me? Am I self destructive or does my heart not belong with me but with another whose body is pristine, able, beautiful? Would these impossible yearnings then be realized if I was this other? My physical body betrayed me long ago and though I try to rise like a phoenix, my wings will not lift me.

I resist when these feelings of unrequited love flare but what can be done? I try and push my heart way down under my chest plate so as not to feel the pain of every beat, or the empty, hollow feeling that seeps in, but still it beats.

[ghost6871]

Second post:
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The aching lingers…I’m hoping that dumping these emotions into physical words will somehow alleviate the pain. My first post was random emotions and I hope this will be more clear. In December of 1988, I was in a car accident and broke my neck. I have been paralyzed from my chest down since that time. My life is hard, but I make the best of it…everyone has their demons, mine are just long term and physical.

Actually, I’m usually the life of the party and always have a smile on my face and try to make people laugh. I’ve been given a great family and have many different types of amazing friends and acquaintances. I do have my dark days thinking of everything I have watched pass me by over the years. Running, swimming, dancing, SEX…the touch of a loved one, or sand on my feet…all the physical things that use to bring such joy to my life.

I don’t know if I want to blame God or the universe but on top of everything I deal with as a disabled man, I was given the “gift” of being bisexual as well. That is a hardship alone - bucking the traditional love between man & woman according to the bible and most of society. The “aching” I write about has been brought about by the one thing I cannot get over by smiling or laughing or denying. That dreaded one thing is love. I have feelings for a younger, (straight as far as I know) man and it’s killing me. To know I can never be loved in return the way I desire is almost more than I can take.

I’m trying to work through this but I’m not sure where it will lead. In an attempt of self preservation, I think I need to distance myself from L. This will be so hard because we work together for one, and he is such a beautiful person inside & out. He makes me smile and laugh, we converse about everything and he leads the life I always wanted to before the accident. His smile makes my whole day. What can I do?

The isolation I feel is staggering. It hurts to breathe. In traditional relationships, a guy can tell a girl he has a crush or feelings for her but in the masculine str8 guy world…I would risk everything by making my feelings known. What if he is disgusted? What if he hates me for it? What if he ends our friendship. I’m caught in this loop of hell.

[devogirl]

Hi there, thanks for coming back to the board! I'm sorry to hear you're in a bad place right now, but it's not hopeless, believe me.

It seems to me from the little bit you've written here is that the main problem is you have a crush on a guy who is probably straight, but you are wrapping up that pain with every other painful part of your life. Don't do that, it's not healthy. Try to separate each problem and deal with it.

First, try to find out in a subtle way if he really is straight, maybe by talking to his friends. I suspect the answer is probably yes, and you already know this. Has he had girlfriends in the past? If it's looking like yes, you just have to take a deep breath and let it go. Don't torture yourself by thinking that maybe he's bi, or maybe he would change his mind for you. Just let it go.

Second, you need to find gay friends so you have a community to be part of. Yeah, I know, you said you are bi and like women too, you're not gay. Don't get hung up on labels. Even if you don't think of yourself as gay, right now you want to be with a guy, but from the way you are talking about "traditional relationships" and crushing on straight guys, it seems that you are not surrounding yourself with the kind of people who can support you. Also, the more you are around lots of gay guys, the more likely you are to find a new crush who is also gay.

In a way, you should consider yourself lucky--from what I have seen, there are a greater proportion of devs in the gay population, or at least guys who are open-minded enough to find a guy in a chair sexy. But that's just my uninformed opinion, maybe some of the gay guys here on the board would disagree.

To reiterate, let the straight guy go. Don't humiliate yourself by coming onto him. Break the loop, go where the gay guys are, and find someone new.

[Phil]

Devogirl gave you some excellent advise. Get out there, meet like minded people and have some fun. You don't have to look for love*, it'll find you... most likely when you aren't looking for it or expect it.

As an outside casual observer, I find two things particularly interesting in your two posts. You're currently alone, lonely and feeling really down about your life as it is. Depression. So, you find and fall for a man that you think probably isn't gay or bisexual. What does that do? It makes you feel even worse. It seems like, and I could be way off, but it seems like this funk you're in is torpedoing your happiness further by letting you attach yourself onto someone that could very possibly hurt you even further. Depression feeding depression.

The other thing that really struck me as telling was this: "and he leads the life I always wanted to before the accident."

I think you need to do some soul searching & clear thinking about that. He's not you, you aren't him, and you can't live vicariously through someone else.

At any rate, take Devogirl's advise. Get out there. I'm sure you've heard it before, but "If you find yourself in a hole - stop digging." Go new places, try new adventures, meet different people. What you're doing now isn't working. Make changes in your life.

*Love, as in real, deep, meaningful love. Not to be confused with lust, lol.

[BA]

Welcome back Ghost. Devogirl and Phil have left such fabulous feedback that I have nothing further to add except that I missed you 'round here.

[canadiandev]

I'm also bi (but a women) and I found that joining bi groups really helped me. There are lots of bi groups online and if you live in a large city, there may be a group that meets in person, where you could meet someone to build a relationship with. Here's a place to start: bi.org/
Hang in there!

[Ouch]

ghost,

Good advise was given, here's my take...I want to agree with Phil, if you try to live through someone else, you'll only end up more dissapointed...in fact probably even more sad than you may feel now - thinking you're going after something ideal, only to find out it's another shade of grey man.

Before you set out for a whole world of disappointment, make sure you actually want what you think you want, after some self-reflection, you may find that it's not really what you want.

...as for your base emotions, I have felt similar emotions before myself. After my last girlfriend prior to my current wife was killed in a car collision, I thought I was really gonna' lose it. I had everything, and then in one blink, nothing. I thought she was rather damn close, if not completely, perfect as well. I really couldn't ask for much better...but it was gone, and I was alone. It fucking hurts, and thinking about it, and that time is still like rubbing a sore spot, the initial pain I suffered is gone, but there's still some residual pain.

...but, you can tackle this, and give it a shot. Can't be any worse to try, right? First, off, you're from Massachusetts, according to what your location is, and what I remember from your previous posts. I'm a fellow Masshole, even if I'm living in Florida right now...I don't know what part of Mass. you're from, but the Massachusetts I know is very open-minded. Especially where I come from (the 413)...we're a pretty damn gay-, bi-, whatever-friendly state...if the other guy is straight, and from Mass., well, he probably has encountered a few folks who have been gay, bi, etc. and some may even have propositioned him. I would say you would have nothing to lose, by just talking to him and seeing what he's all about. Some of the straightest shooting folks I've seen are really bi, or gay. I'd just ask him if he's interested. The worst he can say is 'no'. You won't lose any ground...also, consider, if you know him well enough, you might want to just hang out with him. While he may not be interested in a close romantic relationship, you can become quite close friends for starters, it's a good avenue to try and go further, and if he's not committed, hell, maybe you can convert him.

...and even if not, if you're close friends, you get some satisfaction at least, and maybe he may know someone who can point you in the right direction. Networking can really help. Good luck.

[Dee Dee]

Hi Aaron,

welcome back to the message board and thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions with us. A post like yours certainly deserves a serious answer and the best pieces of advice we can give you. A lot has already been said and I agree with the previous posters and would like to add:

First of all, I´m very sorry to hear that you´re in a bad place. I don´t know you personally, but I was greatly touched by your posts. I think we have all experienced either physical or emotional pain at some point in our lives and moments where it all seemed unbearable. I have come to realize the even the worst pain can be endured as long as you know it´s only temporary. And I´m absolutely convinced, that the situation you currently find yourself in, is temporary.

Sometimes it´s necessary with a little medicine to relieve the pain: it seems to me that you need to take a step forward to "resolve" or settle the relationship with L. Now the first step is probably going to be the hardest; nevertheless it´s important that you take it.

How about saying something like this to him: "You´re a great friend and I do like you. Would you like to have a cup of coffee/a drink/watch a film with me?" This could be the first part of declaring your feelings for him. As far as I´ve been able to observe you´re an intelligent, well-spoken, nice and friendly guy and on top of that you´re good-looking . So why would he be disgusted? Chances are much greater that he will be flattered .

Now; he might be gay/bi (we don´t know that for sure) and if he is, and he likes you as well, he is very likely going to accept your invitation. He might also be straight (again, we don´t know that for sure), and if he is, and if he is a genuine friend he will decline your invitation in a gentle and kind way. If he is truly your friend he is not going to let this ruin your friendship, and you can continue as you were.

If he turns out to be straight, then it´s a fact that you probably cannot alter but must accept. And ... his loss, right?

Once you´ve established whether he is gay/bi or not, you can move on to the next step: namely to get out there. Start by browsing the Internet or go to a gay/bi club in your area. As nice and friendly as you are, I´m absolutely certain there are a lot of persons (males or females) who would be interested in getting to know you and eventually start a relationship.

While you´re on your quest for that special someone, who will turn up someday, remember all the good things in your life: a great family, friends, your job, the city you live in, your cat and the little nephew (whom we´ve seen in your lovely photos ).

I sincerely wish you all the best and good luck .

[ghost6871]

Hey everyone,

Thanks very much for all the heartfelt words, it's truly appreciated. One day at a time and I'll keep posting.

Aaron

[BA]

Glad you were able to share your feelings and I know that things will improve.

[ghost6871]

Ok, had a good day with L. We shared more interpersonal info. I still don't know where he stands but we were looking at his Facebook page and I slipped and told him he is extremely handsome after he stated he thought he was not photogenic....oops. (p.s.-had 2 glasses of wine tonight if I'm a bit buzzed, pardon me). He thanked me and smiled and then wanted to see if we were still on for dinner this weekend if he does not go to Martha's Vineyard (I asked him yesterday after some heartfelt advice from you folks!). He is interested in a girl he's been talking to...but what the fuck, I gotta go after my personal legend as the book "The Alchemist" states. Also, when we were chatting, Jason Mraz's new song came on, lol, "If it kills me".

Check the lyrics:

Hello, tell me you know
Yeah, you figured me out
Something gave it away
And it would be such a beautiful moment
To see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing
Cause you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours, on and
We get along much better
Than you and your boyfriend

Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me

Well how long, can I go on like this,
Wishing to kiss you,
Before I rightly explode?
This double life I lead isn't healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all

Baby there's a lot that I miss
In case I'm wrong

Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me

If I should be so bold
I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand
Tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man
But I never said a word
I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again

All I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
If it kills me
I think it might kill me

And all I really want from you is to feel me
It's a feeling inside that keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
If it kills me
It might kill me

[A££Y "Cuddles" Magoo]

Love is the most powerful thing in existence. No one should feel bad for wanting it in return. In your posts I noticed u kept saying "why do I desire love I cannot have" U say it as if love is some kind of ancient relic or something. U can't think like that man, especially when u know there are websites like this around. I've felt the same way many times....crying myself to sleep, always thinking to myself I'll never be this I'll that....I suck blahh blahh. I'd look at pictures of my friends having fun and being independent, working....just moving forward with their lives, and I think god I wish could do that or I'd just beat myself like it was my own fault that I was where I was at...and maybe it's is. The point is I was making my life seem worse then it actually was. So one day I just said to myself is life really that bad?? I said forget about the stuff u don't have a girl or don't go out etc. and take a look at your life. I said could I be happy with what I have right now(no matter how mundane it may seem) could I be happy? the answer is yes! I stopped getting severely depressed over the things I didn't have and just had a good day. Do I still wanna girl??? Desperately??? Do I still have low confidence??? Yep! Do I still want everything I don't have??? U better believe it?? I just don't dwell on it like it were a nuclear bomb. when I feel those thoughts coming I just say No! bang my head like and idiot(....not on object) and just try to be happy with what I got. and as for dating.....Well I don't know sh*t about dating...lol but for online stuff don't hide the fact that your disabled(at least for the dating sites) cause there's just wondering involved.....and cause u might surprise yourself and meet some really nice people, I know I have!.....none of which want to date me but the result is still better then I had originally thought lol... and who knows? In time I may become impossible to resist ;D

[Dee Dee]

Way to go, Aaron, and great lyrics!

And thanks for letting us see your more serious self, Mr. A§§man316! I´m sure that´ll make you more irresistible around here .

(I don´t have a "dollar-key" on my keyboard, so you get the law sign instead - lol).

[ghost6871]

Well, I've been doing the day by day thing with L. We are beginning a very close friendship(not that close...yet). I believe he most likely knows how I feel about him, he makes comments like, what else do u like besides young, muscular latino guys...said harmlessly. gay kinda jokes but accepting. I do some acting for film on the side & I got him a job on set for a day and we really bonded over it. watch for him as a gang member in "The Fighter" with Mark Whalberg & Christian Bale. lol. I'm at a place where I just need the universe to lay things out. I still have a hollow feeling, not sure if it will go away, I hope it's filled soon with his, or someone's heart puzzle piece that fits perfectly. Just kinds random thoughts tonight guys/ladies. I feel best when i just go on autopilot so please excuse lack of flow. Again, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to try and guide me through...it's very much appreciated. Aaron

[faith]

Aaron- Ya, I'd say he has a good idea how you feel!
Things will fall into place for you.