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Post by annabelle on Jul 28, 2010 6:49:44 GMT -5
It honestly breaks my heart to keep hearing stories about awesome devs like Neffie and Bex traveling to another country only to be let down. That really sucks and it shouldn't happen.
Admittedly, I'm not familiar with the intricacies of internet relationships, but I think if you're going to fly to another country to meet a guy (or girl), that person needs to prove himself to you. Especially if he's already let you down once.
Neffie, you said that you had a friend who lives in the same city as your guy. Well, maybe he should meet with her, just to prove his existence and willingness to actually show up when he's supposed to. If he can't prove himself to someone you know and trust, then... I don't know what. Well, yes, I do, actually.
I know it's none of my business, but I couldn't keep quiet any longer. Neffie and Bex, you're both awesome and deserve to be treated like queens.
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Jul 28, 2010 9:01:48 GMT -5
Amen, sister!
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Post by Valkyrja on Jul 28, 2010 11:21:47 GMT -5
Sometimes, being older means to be wiser... I don´t know your age but... I think I´m older (LOL!!) so please, acept an advise and please don´t take it bad... "Be more distrustful". I know it sounds awful but it could save your heart.
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Post by devogirl on Jul 29, 2010 10:42:21 GMT -5
I know, it makes me sad too. No matter how much you think you know someone from talking online and on the phone, it's always different when you meet in real life. Having him meet a friend might be one safeguard, but there are other things you can do too. If you're traveling a long way to meet someone, always have a plan B, no matter how perfect and wonderful he seems. Always have some other place to stay lined up, and some plan for how to either change your ticket and come home or do something on your own if things don't work out.
Like Lia said, practice expectation management. Arranging to stay at a hotel rather than at his house can help keep things casual for the first meeting.
I know it's so hard when you're infatuated to pay attention to those red flags--there were lots of times I didn't, and I always regretted it. Aside from the obvious things, like drug/alcohol abuse, anger issues, etc. watch out for a guy who doesn't want to introduce you to his friends or family once things start getting serious. Another big red flag IMO is a guy who doesn't work AND has no other driving passion in his life (music, sports, any kind of pastime or hobby, anything at all). It's a sign of other issues. There are plenty of guys on this site who prove that no matter what the disability, you can always be doing something, life doesn't have to revolve around personal care and nothing else. Another red flag I have noticed is a guy with overly-protective parents, or who still lives at home. I know this can be a touchy issue, since sometimes staying at home is the only affordable option, and certainly some guys make it work for them just fine. But in my experience, it's been a bad sign.
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Post by Neffie on Jul 29, 2010 16:36:36 GMT -5
Annabelle, thanks hun!
You're so sweet and what you say is true but I'm fine and you don't have to worry about me.
I travelled a long way etc but that's what I do. It sucked but I put my plan B in place and even if it wasn't there I would have coped.
I think every situation is different and I'm doing it again in 2011. I will be travelling the States in general this time however so I'm not so bothered about the wheeler. If I can't rely on him I'll just rely on my wit, charm, personality and Greyhound ticket!
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Post by ruthmadison on Jan 7, 2011 18:24:36 GMT -5
I know, it makes me sad too. No matter how much you think you know someone from talking online and on the phone, it's always different when you meet in real life. Having him meet a friend might be one safeguard, but there are other things you can do too. If you're traveling a long way to meet someone, always have a plan B, no matter how perfect and wonderful he seems. Always have some other place to stay lined up, and some plan for how to either change your ticket and come home or do something on your own if things don't work out. Like Lia said, practice expectation management. Arranging to stay at a hotel rather than at his house can help keep things casual for the first meeting. I know it's so hard when you're infatuated to pay attention to those red flags--there were lots of times I didn't, and I always regretted it. Aside from the obvious things, like drug/alcohol abuse, anger issues, etc. watch out for a guy who doesn't want to introduce you to his friends or family once things start getting serious. Another big red flag IMO is a guy who doesn't work AND has no other driving passion in his life (music, sports, any kind of pastime or hobby, anything at all). It's a sign of other issues. There are plenty of guys on this site who prove that no matter what the disability, you can always be doing something, life doesn't have to revolve around personal care and nothing else. Another red flag I have noticed is a guy with overly-protective parents, or who still lives at home. I know this can be a touchy issue, since sometimes staying at home is the only affordable option, and certainly some guys make it work for them just fine. But in my experience, it's been a bad sign. Those are some good red flags. Thank you for putting together that advice. I've had some interesting/weird experiences in this stuff too. I'm awful at paying attention to red flags. I always want to believe the best of people. I have got to learn to be pickier! One man I met on D4D and talked to on the phone and IMed with and the flirt level was nice. I went to meet him in person and he wasn't disabled at all. He had told me he had mobility issues, but he walked to the restaurant and told me some story about having a minor injury a while back. How pathetic do you have to be to be an able-bodied, not dev guy using D4D? He asked me all kinds of questions about what turns me on and stuff and it was super uncomfortable (he was also really ugly and did not have a picture up on the site, but he thought very highly of his own looks). He asked if I wanted to go back to his place and I tried to politely decline. He said it must be because I would lose control if I saw him in the wheelchair that he keeps around (for Lord only knows what purpose). Next I met a really, really good looking para guy who lived far from me. He called and had a beautiful accent and told me all the things a girl likes to hear about how he wants to have a family of his own someday, etc. Then we started doing the webcam thing and he wanted to watch me masturbate. He made a lot of demands and I felt compelled to obey him for some reason. He was very charismatic. He friended me on Facebook, but then I said something about being jealous of some female friend of his and he blocked me on Facebook without telling me. I log on one day, try to look at his profile, and it's gone. When I asked him about it, he said he was punishing me. Despite all this, I moved forward with plans to visit him. Then he sent me an email that said he had gotten someone pregnant and had to put his dating life on hold. I asked who this person was, an old friend or someone he just met or what and he refused to tell me. Later he told me she had a miscarriage, and I'm pretty sure whoever she was was lying to him. Either that or he just made the entire thing up. By that time I was done with him, but he was by far the best looking man I've ever seen! Another guy I met in person was visiting my area and we spent a nice weekend together. Before that we had talked on the phone every day for three months. After that weekend he stopped calling. I finally called a week later to say that if he wanted to end things, just tell me. He did. I never knew why. Another led me to believe he had a job, when actually he was mostly living off social security, was a meth addict, and the most bitter person I've ever met. When I suggested that he might try doing some charity work to get his mind off himself, he said "I'm someone who should be getting charity more than giving charity." I told him that was his entire problem (and his disability is not that severe, either). I got messages from a lot of people who were thirty years older than me, people whose disability was that they were learning disabled, I got people who sent me pictures of their naked genitals. Internet dating is a scary world. I met some nice people too and I've had a few lovely dates from D4D, but it's a discouraging process to find them.
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Post by Emma on Jan 7, 2011 21:21:15 GMT -5
One man I met on D4D and talked to on the phone and IMed with and the flirt level was nice. I went to meet him in person and he wasn't disabled at all. He had told me he had mobility issues, but he walked to the restaurant and told me some story about having a minor injury a while back. How pathetic do you have to be to be an able-bodied, not dev guy using D4D? He asked me all kinds of questions about what turns me on and stuff and it was super uncomfortable (he was also really ugly and did not have a picture up on the site, but he thought very highly of his own looks). He asked if I wanted to go back to his place and I tried to politely decline. He said it must be because I would lose control if I saw him in the wheelchair that he keeps around (for Lord only knows what purpose). That first guy was a pretender/BIID I'm sure. I am super cautious and almost always assume someone is faking until I see a LOT of proof they are not. There are so many fakers, pretenders out there esp in the amputee/devotee community. Yes Internet dating is tough and especially on disabled dating sites. I just assume 90% of the people there are not who they say they are.
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Post by ruthmadison on Jan 7, 2011 22:00:38 GMT -5
One man I met on D4D and talked to on the phone and IMed with and the flirt level was nice. I went to meet him in person and he wasn't disabled at all. He had told me he had mobility issues, but he walked to the restaurant and told me some story about having a minor injury a while back. How pathetic do you have to be to be an able-bodied, not dev guy using D4D? He asked me all kinds of questions about what turns me on and stuff and it was super uncomfortable (he was also really ugly and did not have a picture up on the site, but he thought very highly of his own looks). He asked if I wanted to go back to his place and I tried to politely decline. He said it must be because I would lose control if I saw him in the wheelchair that he keeps around (for Lord only knows what purpose). That first guy was a pretender/BIID I'm sure. I am super cautious and almost always assume someone is faking until I see a LOT of proof they are not. There are so many fakers, pretenders out there esp in the amputee/devotee community. Yes Internet dating is tough and especially on disabled dating sites. I just assume 90% of the people there are not who they say they are. Wow, I never thought of that. I have a lot more sympathy for the first guy if that's the case! It still seems so odd that he would have a wheelchair and not use it on a date with someone he knows is a devotee and who he has already told he is disabled. But hey, people are odd. That's not news.
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Post by devogirl on Jan 7, 2011 22:24:28 GMT -5
I thought the same thing. Definitely a pretender. Why didn't he tell you? Probably because he was embarrassed/self-hating/half-repressed about it. I have met a lot of guys who were sort of half in and half out of the closet about their kinks. You'd think it would be so much easier just to come all the way out and be open about it, but I guess not.
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Post by Gaby on Jan 8, 2011 13:05:59 GMT -5
Ruth, I'm glad you brought out this old thread... I'm new here and for the first time I have an internet relationship with a boy from another country. I'm in love with him and i really want to visit him, so your advices and experiences are very valuable for me, girls. Thank you!
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Post by ruthmadison on Jan 8, 2011 21:26:10 GMT -5
Ruth, I'm glad you brought out this old thread... I'm new here and for the first time I have an internet relationship with a boy from another country. I'm in love with him and i really want to visit him, so your advices and experiences are very valuable for me, girls. Thank you! How exciting! I'm glad you have this advice to read. Be very careful and follow Devogirl's tips for sure.
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Post by ~Z28gal~ on Jan 10, 2011 11:47:06 GMT -5
Hey girls....
I had a question, and I think this seems like a good thread to post it in... I've talked to several guys who A. immediately want pictures and B. very quickly begin describing, in great detail, transfers, their legs, etc. WITHOUT ME ASKING THEM TO. On the picture thing, ok, guys will be guys. But the second thing always raises an eyebrow with me. Could it just be that they've had net sex with a dev before and think that's what I want to hear? Or does that sound more like a wannabe/pretender trying to get in some quick fun? I mean, I wouldn't start describing my boobs in great detail within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone!! And it's been my experience that the paras (who I know for sure ARE paras) are really not that comfortable describing "devy" scenes like that, even if I asked (which I wouldn't!!!). Have any of you girls ever run into anything like this?? Thoughts??
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Post by Neffie on Jan 10, 2011 13:02:26 GMT -5
hey Ruth and everyone there are some real freaks out there but you just have to be canny (ie not be taken in). Everyone has a bullshit story that may or may not be true. The good thing with THIS site is that most bullshit gets sussed out quickly.
My bad experience was down to fear on his part and a genuine lack of faith in my awesome dev powers. I can't blame him for that....no one knows what I'm capable of other than me.
This site is amazing as you have all these people vetting the weirdoes and time wasters! I had tried mainline internet dating and it was a disaster.
If you don't find it here the very least you will do is find yourself surrounded by hot wheelers and really cool devs.
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Post by ruthmadison on Jan 10, 2011 14:03:10 GMT -5
Hey girls.... I had a question, and I think this seems like a good thread to post it in... I've talked to several guys who A. immediately want pictures and B. very quickly begin describing, in great detail, transfers, their legs, etc. WITHOUT ME ASKING THEM TO. On the picture thing, ok, guys will be guys. But the second thing always raises an eyebrow with me. Could it just be that they've had net sex with a dev before and think that's what I want to hear? Or does that sound more like a wannabe/pretender trying to get in some quick fun? I mean, I wouldn't start describing my boobs in great detail within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone!! And it's been my experience that the paras (who I know for sure ARE paras) are really not that comfortable describing "devy" scenes like that, even if I asked (which I wouldn't!!!). Have any of you girls ever run into anything like this?? Thoughts?? I have never had a guy start describing those things. That sounds suspicious because my experience is that most guys don't understand what a dev find sexy at all. They send me pictures of their naked genitals, they send me pictures of themselves that they think are sexy where you can't see their wheelchair at all. All the guys I've interacted with have tried to turn me on using the things that mainstream girls might be interested in. I always want to shout at them, "What part of this are you not getting? I'm a dev, send me a picture of you in a wheelchair if you want to turn me on!"
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Post by ruthmadison on Jan 10, 2011 14:05:11 GMT -5
hey Ruth and everyone there are some real freaks out there but you just have to be canny (ie not be taken in). Everyone has a bullsh*t story that may or may not be true. The good thing with THIS site is that most bullsh*t gets sussed out quickly. My bad experience was down to fear on his part and a genuine lack of faith in my awesome dev powers. I can't blame him for that....no one knows what I'm capable of other than me. This site is amazing as you have all these people vetting the weirdoes and time wasters! I had tried mainline internet dating and it was a disaster. If you don't find it here the very least you will do is find yourself surrounded by hot wheelers and really cool devs. It's true, it is incredible how many people can be so, so creepy and disgusting. I get such inappropriate, sexual things said to me right away! This site is a much more comfortable atmosphere, I really appreciate the way it bridges a gap to help devs and disabled men understand each other better.
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