attracted to diff traits in AB/wheelers?

[rmrb]

I have a question for the dev ladies out there that I thought might lead to some interesting convos-- hope it isn't a repeat.

For those of you that feel attraction to both ABs and wheelers (even if you prefer wheelers or mostly date ABs, whatever), I am curious about something.

Do you have different standards for AB men than for wheelie men when you consider dating? Are you attracted to different things in ABs than in wheelers? What is the key to your attraction for a man-- is it physical? personality? certain traits/experiences? even profession?

I'll post my own reply to this one

[Emma]

I feel like I need to think about this question a little more but heres my quick reply:
I used to think I was attracted to AB guys as well but once I met my husband (and amputee) I realized I was just trying to fool myself. I really am only attracted to amputees and was just forcing it with AB guys. When I did date AB guys I only dated guys who had a certain look I really liked. Yeah sure not everyone would say they were attractive but I had weirdly high standards when it came to AB guys looks. What it came down to was I didn't find many AB guys attractive and had a very specific look I desired. When it came to dating disabled guys I was more open about their because their disability was also so attractive to me. As far as other non physical standards I had the same standards.


Great question rmrb

[rmrb]

Some of the other threads on the board had this swimming around in my head--- including the general board thread about the Filipino-U.S. couple and the discussion on "attraction." That post seems to be pretty focused on physical attraction (with words like ugly being thrown around). Myself, I have had quite a few relationships with men I wasn't necessarily "attracted" to at first. As a general rule, I am very open to dating men that I casually know even if they aren't "my type" or I don't have a original attraction to them. These are generally men I don't really know, but maybe people that are friends of friends, people I had a class with, ect. I don't date men I meet randomly unless I am very attracted to them or get to know them casually first. Of course, my "why not" policy is within reason-- I don't date men I am not attracted to because they entirely lack social skills (creepy guys), are old enough to be my father or young enough to be my baby brother, ect. I try to keep it friendly on the first date and a lot of times we part as friends after a good evening (or a bomb) because there is just nothing there. Other times, I end up finding we have something in common or part of his personality that I hadn't seen before ATTRACTS me. I've had two long-term (2 yrs each, give or take) relationships that started this way and a couple other men I have dated started like this although there wasn't originally much that attracted me before I got to know them better.

While I definitely have physical characteristics that attract me big time, I find that I am most attracted to certain PERSONALITY traits in men. I am also strongly attracted to men that can do certain things (skills, behaviors) or have had certain experiences and dealt with them successfully. To me these are good indications of being able to tackle the future, no matter what comes up. I think that this plays into my attraction to wheelers, in addition to a strong sexual attraction that I haven't been able to explain. I have had several male wheeler friends that were injured in accidents typical of young male's with scis. Some of them dealt with it very well and despite many struggles they have made great lives for themselves and are very happy. Others haven't. I find I am attracted to what I see as the personality traits that both helped my happy friends get through dealing with their injuries and the personality traits that I see as a result of dealing with their experiences.

I am a very nurturing, strong person (I raised my younger brother for the most part and have never been able to completely break out of that role with people in my age range). However, I have realized I DO NOT want a child as a partner or someone I have to be responsible for/can't trust to make good decisions (at least as often as the next responsible adult). I have already raised my teenage boy and if I am going to put any more of my time into helping someone become a man, it is going to be that teenage boy--- not one that is 5-7 or more years passed teenage himself. I don't mind taking care of my man and helping him out, but I am looking for at the very least, A PARTNER in some sense of the word. I want things I do to be because I want to, not because I feel I HAVE to. Now, there are things that become the tasks of one partner that are part of day to day life, but that is different than being a caregiver in a relationship, whether that is as a mother-figure or a nurse. I'm very patient and I hope for both partners to grow in any relationship, but I deserve an equal. I don't expect equality (sameness) but maybe more like equity. Separate but equal may not be constitutional, but different but equal works for me in relationships. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.

Also, as what some might consider a typical American female, I do tend to find myself attracted to men with some personality traits similar to my father (not physically though, my dad isn't really my type at all). I have found that I am not attracted to what I call "college boys" nor am I attracted to people that cannot follow a conversation, however modified. While I greatly admire intelligence and tend to be "book smart" myself, I have absolutely no use for men with a wealth of knowledge that cannot be applied (or he cannot apply) to life, to the real world. I grew up with a father with a partial college education combined with a lot of "real world" experience. He put both to work building things and pointing out and explaining things in nature. Knowledge is nothing if it isn't real and you can't use it. I love to learn and I want to be with men that can teach me things, whether those things are concepts, lessons, or skills-- everyone learns through experience, but I enjoy learning through conversation and"hands-on" teaching in addition to those experience lessons relationships take.

Sense of humor and social skills are important to me. My main thing in life is to laugh, and a funny guy is a HUGE turn on, especially if he appreciates my sense of humor back. I'm ok with "the silent" type, but I am pretty sensitive to social cues (more so in person) and find men that can't pick up on them and interact accordingly embarrass the heck out of me, especially since I have worked in certain enclaves in the past and hope to again and have to have someone that can both respect and pick up on differences between those situations and whatever his normal conduct might be. I also am very easygoing and I'm reluctant to pick fights, but I tend to be honest to a fault. I don't do well with people that can't be honest back with me, are overly sensitive, or men that have a constant need to be fighting or have attention. I also tend to exhibit very little jealousy when it comes to my partner, and have a difficult time understanding real irrational jealousy.

Physically I tend to like dark men, either dark hair and dark eyes or dark skin. Light eyes with dark hair or skin are just such an anomaly that they throw me. I've had occasional things for blonde guys, but in general I am all for "los morenos." I grew up in a community that was almost equally divided and tri-ethnic (Causcasian--largely Italian, Hispanic, and Native American) and tend to be attracted to men from those ethnic groups or with similar physical traits. I'm all for a strong jaw, a good (not necessarily perfect smile), and expressive eyes. I also have a thing for strong, manly, rough hands and somewhat corded forearms. Hands are very expressive themselves and the contrast of men with restricted or no use of their hands is interesting, but in the end I'm still a hand lady. I can't help it, it is one of the things that I look at first and study the most when I have a chance to meet or examine someone new. A persons mannerisms can tell a lot about them. I also appreciate men that can do things with their hands, probably from experiences where most of the men in my life were constantly fixing, destroying, and creating with their hands--

When it comes different "standards" when it comes to AB and disabled men it probably has to do with professions and hobbies. With AB guys I tend to be attracted to and choose men with physically active jobs and hobbies. Some of my most serious relationships included a construction worker and a back country outfitter and a mechanic. While I exclude men that are in school or college or getting training or experience to do whatever career they plan to do for the rest of their lives, I find a lot of young men are just looking for a job. I can't understand why physically able people would work a poor-paying dead-end retail position when they could be learning something (a skill) and doing some hard work and earning a more live-able wage. I know when I was in that position I worked maintenance and as a landscaper and I loved it. I guess I see it as a sign of not being afraid of hard work and being motivated (no, I'm not silly enough to think construction workers are all "motivated" but I never have been much for men that can't keep a job out of laziness or common stupidity). Of course, I understand that some people really give their all at other types of jobs or show their passion in other ways and I'm down with that, but the passion and hard-work has to be there. It even extends to physique. I appreciate a nice, fit body but I appreciate one that got that way through being outside and working hard or playing hard more than the treadmill, tanned, overly perfect "gym-orexic" look-- although I appreciate a good workout too. When it comes to wheelers I am much more attracted to any skill set and profession so long as they have a passion or a plan.

Emma-- your comment got me thinking. While I date a wide range of AB men because of gradual attraction to them as a person (to their personalities), I tend to be strongly, quickly attracted to more to men that are very "my type" and outwardly obviously attractive when I "get the hots" for an AB man ( I don't know if this is just natural or similar to your version of "high standards"). With wheelers I have had it bad for, it isn't always men that are exactly my version of a "Perfect 10" that catch my eye and get me going. Still, it can take as little as a moment or a comment or witty joke from a man AB or otherwise that can get me thinking about him. While on one hand I know what I want, on the other I figure I am still young enough to experiment and have lots of experiences-- or rather too young to close doors on people because I have decided "who my soul mate is." After all, I think life has a way of surprising all of us in our plans.

Hmm . . . think I wrote enough of a book?

[rmrb]

Wow-- the tiny white box is really deceptive . . . I had no idea I typed all that (but it makes since looking at how long it took). Whoever reads the whole thing is either bored or a saint. LOL

[ruthmadison]

I think very similar to you, rmrb. I'm interested in an equal partner, and someone who has the quality of being emotionally strong. I'm not interested in someone who makes excuses and coasts through life. I need intelligence in a guy.

Those are qualities I'd want in any person.

In terms of differences of attraction, I seem to be different in that the ab men I have dated have almost entirely been those who were rejected by someone else. Really weird, I know. In AB guys I am drawn to the sad puppy types who just want to be loved and I want to give that to them. It doesn't end well.

I don't go for that quality in a disabled guy. I tried it once and it was like double disaster. That's how I ended up with someone who didn't really want me at all, but thought I was the only girl he could get. Now if a guy is whining to me that no one wants him and it's not his fault, that's a big turn off.

[~Z28gal~]

Apr 5, 2011 2:01:51 GMT -5 rmrb said:

I also have a thing for strong, manly, rough hands and somewhat corded forearms. Hands are very expressive themselves and the contrast of men with restricted or no use of their hands is interesting, but in the end I'm still a hand lady. I can't help it, it is one of the things that I look at first and study the most when I have a chance to meet or examine someone new.

I don't have the time right now to sort through this whole thread and respond, but I just have to second this!!! I don't know if this is a dev thing, but hands (and arms) have always been a major turn on for me. Maybe an unconscious association with the wheels??

[Emma]

Apr 6, 2011 18:39:10 GMT -5 ~Z28gal~ said:

I don't know if this is a dev thing, but hands (and arms) have always been a major turn on for me. Maybe an unconscious association with the wheels??

I too have always liked arms, even on AB guys. If asked to choose a body part of a guy I focused on the most other than the obvious eyes, and mouth it was always their bicep, tricep and shoulder muscle. I even dated an AB guy who thought his best feature was his leg muscles but I could have cared less about his legs. I guess I should have realized at the time what that meant.

[sunnydays]

Apr 5, 2011 19:27:22 GMT -5 lucretia said:

As promised: My long and detailed response:I get a LOT of crap about my "ridiculously high (read specific) standards". In fact … but everyone I know has made at least ONE comment that I am far, far too picky.

There is NO such thing as being “too” picky. I have a list of 100 items that I want in my future husband.

This list is for both wheelers and ABs. Hell, I’m not really into women, but if I were, this list would be for them too.

Some items on the list are very broad – such as a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at himself. Others are more focused – such as I don’t really see myself dating a conservative republican as I am waaay to liberal (but I won’t turn someone down because they’re a republican). And others still are just hands down, will never change my mind, deal-breakers – such as having kids or not having a college degree.

I know what I want and I will not settle for anything less. Even eHarmony told me that I was “unmatchable” based on all the criteria that I want.

I’m not so picky as to already know what he looks like, how much money he makes, or the living state of my M-I-L (although the sound of her being dead – or at least in a long term coma with no possible hope of waking – is starting to sound better and better). I’m not Sandra Bullock from “Practical Magic” where he has to have a badge, flip pancakes, or have 2 different colored eyes. (Though I will gladly take Sandra Bullock’s paycheck from that movie….)

Oh – and he has to be SINGLE. The last douche-bag I met on line decided to string me along *just* long enough for me to become emotionally involved and then dropped the bomb that he was actually MARRIED!! So, yea, the guy has to be single.

Apr 6, 2011 18:39:10 GMT -5 ~Z28gal~ said:

I don't know if this is a dev thing, but hands (and arms) have always been a major turn on for me. Maybe an unconscious association with the wheels??

It could be. And I definitely agree about it being a turn on.

My two favorite body parts on a guy are bare feet and shoulders. I’ve always loved bare feet – the sight of them, the feel, toes… just love feet. It is kind of strange when the majority of the men I’m attracted to can’t even feel their feet!

And shoulders are just really sexy. The curve from where the neck and shoulder meet = the best part!!

[ruthmadison]

I like arms a lot too!

Lucretia, my most recent ex, who is still a dear friend (and is a scientist) told me that I may have contrained my requirements so much that I will have zero returns. In other words that I'm looking for a needle so small that it becomes non-existent.

He didn't have judgment about it, thank goodness. I don't know how I could handle someone thinking I'd rot in hell for wanting a particular kind of guy. But he had a good point. I had to make peace with the idea that is this kind of guy is not out there, then I would be better to be alone than with someone not right. And that's where I am.

But I do have hope that the right guy is out there.

Here's my list:
I need someone who is grounded, steady, kind, slow to anger. Someone intelligent and curious, someone who likes to try new things, someone who sees life and its complications as an exciting adventure.

That's from my match.com profile! Add to that mobility challenged in some way and reasonably cute.

[~Z28gal~]

Apr 7, 2011 17:32:59 GMT -5 sunnydays said:

...the living state of my M-I-L (although the sound of her being dead – or at least in a long term coma with no possible hope of waking – is starting to sound better and better). ...The curve from where the neck and shoulder meet = the best part!!

I'll have to remind myself not to take a sip of water while reading your posts Sunny... My computer doesn't appreciate showers.

And the neck/shoulder area is PRIME nibbling territory. Yumm.

I've always always liked bear men. You know, those tall guys with wide chests and big strong arms whose hugs completely swallow you up. I love feeling small and feminine around my man. That's actually my one and only physical requirement in guys - gotta be at least 5'10!! I'm 5'4" and he better still be taller than me when I'm wearing my 5" inch heels, damn it! Of course the heels bit only applies to AB guys, but even with wheelers, they have to be tall (long? ) enough that I feel small.

The one thing I absolutely have to have is feeling like a woman. Not his mother, not his friend, but his woman. I don't really know how to define that, it's just there with some guys. I like a little protectiveness and possessiveness. Nothing crazy, just the knowledge that he'd do something about an annoying guy if I asked him to or wants to know who I'm with when I'm out at night. I have to know that if I'm not up to being my usual independent self, my man can take over. I'm typically pretty confidant and somehow seem to attract guys that want a mother figure... NO MORE!

[Emma]

Apr 9, 2011 20:31:11 GMT -5 ~Z28gal~ said:

That's actually my one and only physical requirement in guys - gotta be at least 5'10!! I'm 5'4 and he better still be taller than me when I'm wearing my 5" inch heels, damn it! Of course the heels bit only applies to AB guys, but even with wheelers, they have to be tall (long? ) enough that I feel small.

Me too, OMG we are like the same dev Z28, the arms, the cuddling liking tall guys!

I too always only dated guys who were taller than me. I'm 5'9" so that was not so easy. It was funny, everyone knew my height requirement and a lot of people said I was being too picky. Well, when I started dating my husband that's how most people found out he was an amputee in a wheelchair. They asked, "So how tall is he?"

I then said, "well....he used to be 6'2".

They were like, "what do you mean used to be?"

They I'd explain that he was injured in Iraq and lost his legs.


Anyway I totally get the whole idea of liking a guy whose torso is longer than mine and who also has wider shoulders.

[~Z28gal~]

;D Glad that made sense to somebody!!! I feel like I've been failing at expressing myself recently.

[Valkyrja]

What I looked in a man is the same for an AB or a wheeler.
I´m with my partner for the last 15 years (not 16 like he used to say! LOL)
He is an AB guy but he has what I want in a man:
great hands, I love his neck, his shoulders, he is very funny, he makes me laugh, he is incredible smart (high iq), he is really cult, he is my friend and he is a great father.
What he is not: He is not tall at all! (I always wanted a 6.3/4" tall guy but mine is just 5.7!!... remember that I´m 6ft tall), and he is not a wheeler (but I don´t care)