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Post by matisse on May 16, 2013 14:06:37 GMT -5
What things specifically...would be better for them? Are you talking activity-wise? Or you would be a happier person/better Dad if you weren't disabled? All of the above, and more. Physically, I would be able to teach them tennis myself in addition to lessons, then there's all the usual water gun fights, pool sports, and general horseplay. They would absolutely love all of that. In terms of my general disposition, I am a generally happy person already, but being AB would eliminate a lot of the things that make me occasionally grumpy, like lack of sleep or having to waste time doing disability related things. I think that facing the adversity that I did...not giving up...and still having a positive outlook on life...making the most of every day. Well, that's built character in me...and I think that has been a good 'life-lesson' for my kids. .... I hope that my attitude, perserverence, and other things...despite(to spite) my circumstances and physical condition... Will encourage them in whatever trial and tribulations that this life brings their way. ..... I would be willing to bet that your kids see and respect things in you that are disability-related. Mine have always seen me in a chair, so there isn't anything for them to compare against. I don't think they have really learned anything deep from it, at least not yet, because they don't really see me struggling to overcome anything. I'm pretty much the same Dad they have always known, same job, attitude, etc. They have seen my condition deteriorate slightly, but not enough yet to have any impact on their lives.
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vancityippy
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Post by vancityippy on May 16, 2013 22:27:28 GMT -5
looknohands and matisse, I'm so interested in your responses. I have to say...I really was happy to read your perspective looknohands... And bummed to read your matisse...But hey, there are always plenty of ways to look at similar situations... But really, nothing deep? I feel I've learned plenty of "deep" things from knowing people with disabilities... And I imagine that a child having a parent with disabilities would have different internalized ideas about humans...such as men's gender roles, empathy, the interconnectedness of people/ relationships/ helping dynamics, accepting people who appear different...stuff like that?
Through my work with families I have found most children with disabled siblings have benefited in the above ways from the experience. To me, that stuff is the most important...But I guess it depends on where your values and priorities lie.
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2013 4:40:45 GMT -5
Well, even disregarding the disabled card... I had a Dad who worked long hours as a construction worker...it was no 9-5 job like lots of my peers parents had. He didn't work in a climate controlled office. The work was dangerous at times. It wasn't always financially rewarding. Growing up as a child..I took note of those things...and not because he ever complained about any of it. I have a grat amount of respect for my Dad...he's my hero. I watched him overcome many obstacles and struggle. I inherited my work ethic from my Dad...and a lifelong respect. How can the children of the disabled NOT take note? as well as be influenced?
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Post by matisse on May 17, 2013 10:55:33 GMT -5
I suppose there may be some benefit there at some point. I just don't see it as significant, it's just at the margins. And certainly not better than if I were AB.
I think that growing up poor would give them orders of magnitude more appreciation for things than growing up with me as their Dad. I came from a very modest household and going through that (albeit in a very normal, happy family life) has had a permanent impact on my life almost every respect.
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2013 23:20:01 GMT -5
Well, I have respect for you Matisse. I don't have any reason to flatter you. I read the stuff you write...I know that your life is difficult, and sometimes depressing. I think that most of us have been there..or are there. I used to have a non-profit organization that basically reached out to paras, quads, and really any disability that put you in a chair...I organized social events, did beach parties, fishing trips...all kinds of stuff like that. I eventually turned the reins over to my quad friend...because it got so depressing just seeing these guys give up on life...isolate themselves...and slowly do themselves in. I see guys like you and me say 'screw having a career and doing anything productive...I'll just get my monthly check and food stamps.'' ''Screw my relationships...it's just too much effort, and I'll probably just take them down with me.'' Anyway, I'm rambling...and I really should be writing to a hot dev.
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Post by matisse on May 18, 2013 16:24:08 GMT -5
Hmmmm, perhaps I have been too negative in my recent posts? I actually have a pretty good life. I just don't credit the disability with providing any of the good stuff. The disability is a big net negative for me. But I think a person can hate their disability and still have a good attitude and life. I think that's where I am. I don't think acceptance of your disability means that you have to believe it has done good things for you.
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2013 18:49:09 GMT -5
I'm just one of those guys that tries to see the positive in any situation... You aren't too negative man, you're a realist...and your honest. I'm glad...I have to try hard to see the positive sometimes, but I've found that if I don't...I can get caught up in the negative.
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Post by ProudRealist on May 18, 2013 21:28:15 GMT -5
Love this thread. I've always wanted to be a father and as time goes by i think the desire only grows. Unfortunately, i'm a pragmatist by nature and i 'over-think' everything...so when i lock myself in the train of thought concerning the practicalities of being a father, i scare myself out of the possibility. I am an honest to god quad, i.e. i have no arm movement at all...which means i wouldn't even be able to hold my own child let alone help in any way.
Yeah, i know it's not an absolute reason to put the brakes on the idea...but still, it does weigh on me.
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Post by matisse on May 19, 2013 10:12:43 GMT -5
I am an honest to god quad, i.e. i have no arm movement at all...which means i wouldn't even be able to hold my own child let alone help in any way. My arms/hands are weak, so I didn't hold any of my kids. I was too concerned that they would fall. It wasn't a big deal for me since I honestly found the whole baby/toddler thing kind of boring. The kids got interesting for me when I could really communicate with them. There were times when I did have to take them places like daycare, and I just arranged it so that they would come out to get the kid if I could not bring them in. The time during which kids rely on you for mobility is short in comparison to their lives, and it goes by really, really fast. In no time they get to an age where it's flipped and they can actually help around the house and also help you.
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2013 18:25:44 GMT -5
PR, I would just encourage you to save all that thinking power for formulating inventive ways and activities that will enrich your child's life, and strengthen the bond between the two of you. My youngest was 13 days old when I had my accident...never held him, bathed him, or did any of the care stuff...but we literaly spent thousands of hrs tooling the neighborhood in my power chair... How many AB dad's get that kind of quality adventure time with their kiddo...plus if I was a typical AB dad...i would have been working during most of these times. I will try to find a photo or two...
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Post by Corey on May 19, 2013 19:59:31 GMT -5
And I imagine that a child having a parent with disabilities would have different internalized ideas about humans...such as men's gender roles, empathy, the interconnectedness of people/ relationships/ helping dynamics, accepting people who appear different...stuff like that? I would have thought this too. I remember hearing about a teacher in Texas with SMA. She would pick a student to be a classroom helper for the week or whatever, and alternate between students in the class. The parents would always request their child be in her classroom. Apparently this was a profound experience for the children.
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Post by ProudRealist on May 21, 2013 2:07:38 GMT -5
Thanks matisse and looknohands, those replies were awesome! You've definitely helped alleviate some of my concerns! I guess my head was too bogged down in the details that i kinda missed the big picture of things. Admittedly though, i often find myself putting up 'conventional' ideas of what things should be like as benchmarks, and thus inadvertantly preclude any thought of being able to do things differently...which, as you can see in this case, often holds me back from doing the things i want.
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Post by janewheeler on May 21, 2013 22:20:06 GMT -5
LNH, the thing that strikes me is your candor. I've had a lot of difficulty with my parents being less than open with me about their lives, especially now when they're older (and dealing with a ton of health issues that I'd like to know more about). A lot of people struggle with the power dynamics of parent-child relationships and the idea that parents are somehow infallible.
I don't know a lot of specifics about your relationship with your kids, but I'm always struck by how well adjusted they seem (in general, and with a dad with some major issues), and how you seem to have a lot of fun with them. I'd imagine that being realistic and honest with them about what you've gone through (because it's not exactly easy to conceal...) has been a big help in building good relationships with them.
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Post by janewheeler on May 21, 2013 23:02:27 GMT -5
I saw this video a while back and thought it was really good at discussing some of the realities of being a dad with quadriplegia. Attitude TV: Hands On Dad Part 1Part 2
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nas
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Post by nas on May 22, 2013 8:35:56 GMT -5
Oh, speaking of which, I can't remember if I found out about this documentary here or not, but just in case - BBC's We Won't Drop the Baby, about a CP couple who are about to become parents for the second time. And it's narrated by David Tennant, teehee!
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