Finally I´m here!

[finally]

It´s amazing to me... that this all exists on the internet.

I am 33 yrs old and obviously dev since childhood. I live in Austria, Europe.

I have NEVER spoken to ANYONE about that, including best female friends (to whom I talk about everything, including sex, masturbation etc.)

I was just so ashamed of that whole topic, I just kept it secret - even when I see men in wheelchairs out in the street it seems like a forbidden thing to me to watch them - or someone could notice what I think while watching them...

It seriously is a great burdon!

Yesterday I was googling around, and I found Ruth Madison on youtube - and thats how it all began. I think I spent five hours on the internet, and today again, and I found this forum, which I am really happy about!

It´s so weird that it really began in childhood - I know very well and remember a couple of things!
While masturbating I always think of men in wheelchairs, never anything else. Seldom I fantasize that I am a men who is a dev and does it with a disabled woman.

I am in a relationship with a non-disabled man for 10 yrs, we have two children. Of course he knows nothing about that - but we really do not have the greatest sexlife anyways... since we both fear to talk and show who we really are...

I am just wondering how that whole thing will go on for me. Whether I will talk to a girlfriend of mine, whether I will date a man in a wheelchair sometimes.

My greatest fear is, that my sexual fantasies are so huge that everyone could "see" them, just by watching me, and that, if I met men in wheelchairs, they would feel that it´s not really their person that I´m interested in.

I also fear that, in real life, if I had a date or even sex, it wouldn´t even be the way that it is in my fantasy. And it works so well in my fantasy, I wouldn´t want to lose that ability (to masturbate).

Is that weird?
Can anyone understand my thoughts and feelings?
I´m so excited to be here!

Thanks!

[devogirl]

It's not weird, many of us have had similar experiences.

Most other people will not "see" your sexual fantasies. When one fixates on a big secret, it can seem like that secret is so obvious to the whole world, but it's not. Most people will not notice.

Many women on this board have had successful relationships with disabled men. It is possible to be interested in the real person. The right guy will recognize that. On the other hand, it's very easy to rush into a bad relationship or stick with the wrong person because you feel you will never meet another wheeler again. And some guys are not comfortable with devs, or say it's ok but then change their minds. It can be difficult.

In my experience, living out a sexual fantasy in real life was never the way I imagined. Sometimes it was better, sometimes worse. You don't know until you try. But real life encounters never ruined my fantasy life, at least not in the long term.

I know that the moment you discover you are not alone is so overwhelming--I felt a euphoria that lasted for months. It's a big emotional change to go through. But please don't make any hasty decisions about your marriage. Give it time to sink in. I too thought that once I discovered devotee sites on the internet I could meet the guy of my dreams immediately. It didn't turn out that way.

[whisperingpines]

Hi! And my warmest welcome! I know how it feels to find this page after hiding all those feelings for so long.. for me it was liberating. I hope you will feel the same

[Dreamer5678]

Welcome Finally

[RyooT]

Welcome to PD, Finally. You are definitely not alone. Many of us (myself included) have known from a very young age.

[Ath]

Welcome

[Emma]

Welcome Finally!

Like everyone else here my interests began in childhood but I didn't put the whole sexual thing together until I was 21. Don't feel badly about taking so long to find us, just be glad you did!

[Deleted]

Welcome to this board and I am glad you found us! Your story sounds very familiar! Anyhow, you can also message me in German if you want!

[finally]

thanks!

[Dee Dee]

Welcome Finally.

[lisa]

Welcome from another German dev. I'm glad you found the board. I also know the relieving and exciting feeling that comes with it. I needed months to get over it more or less . In the end I figured that it has contributed a lot to my life how it is today, but I might also have rushed things a bit. A lot of girls already wrote it, but from my own experience and as advice: For most devs, the devness is something they had to hide for some or most time of their lives. It often is a wound spot, be careful with it! Don't risk people using it to hurt you. Make sure you feel comfortable with yourself first.
Anyway, this is a great place to start to explore your dev feelings even deeper. I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

[finally]

thank you, lisa!
maybe we can also send us messages in german - it´s a bit easier for me.
I am curious what you mean by "rushing things"

actually, I really get that sense that you need months to get over it.
to me it´s been three days now - and I am absolutely obsessed by meeting men in real life.

there´s so much sexual energy which wants to be lived - there always was, and, as I wrote, I always masturbated very very much.
but now I really have the urge to find a man... that´s new to me.

Can´t think of anything else. Well, that I know from myself - when there´s an obsession, I´m pretty fixed on that and indeed do have very much energy to go for it...

I am so curious to read more about personal stories.
If you want, share yours in German with me, Lisa!

[handcyclefool]

Welcome to the forum!

[Deleted]

yes big welcome to the mad house

[spurs2000]

Welcome from a quad wheeler! I'm glad that you have found the board, it is so nice for us guys to keep seeing more and more devs that truly have struggled with their feelings when we have had similar but from a completely different perspective! :-)

I hope that makes sense?? LOL :-)