An intro and a request for some advice

[Deleted]

Hi all!

First a little about me. I’m James, I’m 33, male with congenital missing limbs (all four of them), and I’m in Phoenix, AZ. I know this is primarily a wheelers board but I haven’t found a forum with this focus yet where I felt comfortable discussing this completely openly. I hope that’s cool.

Just a little background before I dig into all this. I’m fairly regularly sexually active, I’ve had two serious relationships, dated, done the friends with benefits thing and done one night stands. I’m only saying this to show that I have a firm grasp of intimacy on many levels, and am not (usually) so emotionally confused.

I recently had my first experience with a devotee. I was aware of devotees, and had talked a little with them, but I’ve never met one in my area before and never really joined in on the community.
 
She found me on another website we both used through some stuff I had posted. We talked, she was upfront about being a devotee, had never been with a disabled man and wanted to. Long story short two weeks later I was at the airport waiting for her.
I knew going in that this was likely a one-time thing and I was fine with that. I figured I could at least make a friend out of it.

We had a really nice time. I was expecting this to be a special experience for her, not me. I let her take control of the what, where, when, and how. I thought for me it would be fun and that’s it.
I wasn’t expecting how she made me feel…

The way she touched me, held me. It was the first time ever for me that I didn’t feel that a woman was just accepting, or looking past my disability, she embraced it. I felt like a whole man for the first time. It was incredible. I told her as much and she said it was the nicest thing anyone had said to her in a while.

She left the next day, and in the days and now weeks that have followed I’ve realized just how emotional that experience was for me, and I’m having a really hard time getting over it, and surprisingly for me, her. I don’t usually get attached so quickly.

I’ve talked to some friends about this, but none can truly relate, and I’ve posted vaguely about it on other sites, but again no one totally gets it. The best talk I had was with a friend who told me I finally lost my ‘spiritual virginity’ lol.

I’m having a hard time separating her from how she made me feel. I loved the way she made me feel, but I don’t love her. I don’t even know her that well. I liked her, sure and I wish we could have explored the possibility of there being more between us, but she stopped talking to me as soon as she left. I tried reaching out a few times but got nothing so I gave up. That sucks, I get no meaningful closure but life goes on… I hope. It’s been three weeks and I still feel it strongly, I miss her a lot which is pathetic considering she cut me off. I got over my last relationship faster than this. I dunno, it just feels different this time and I can’t explain it.

So my questions for you guys (and ladies as well) is did you go through something similar your first time with a devotee? How did you move past it and separate the way you were made to feel from the woman who made you feel it?

I’m so ready to forget her and move on and find someone who can make me feel that way but not be gone forever the next day. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for reading all this.

[mike]

One very important thing to consider is this: Many devs have complex feelings about their attraction to various forms of disability. It is quite possible that she's having issues of her own she needs to work out, and her disappearance has nothing to do with you or the relationship. Some devs feel that their attraction to disability is totally innocuous, similar to your attraction to a particular attribute like hair color. Others have strong deep-seated feelings, sometimes guilt, other times shame or some other negative emotion. In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with having an attraction to disability, disabled people etc., but as I am a disabled male, my opinions don't much matter. What does matter is that she needs to come to terms with her feelings, and until she does, there is not much you can do. If she pops up again, please try to be understanding, she's probably wrestling with personal issues of her own. You may (or may not) be able to comfort her or reassure her, but asking for explanations would likely be counter productive.

If you do see her again, one thing you might do is refer her to this site, as many devs find understanding and acceptance here.

Devs are all different, just like all the rest of us, but often they feel quite alone and unsettled about the issue, and wouldn't even whisper it to their closest friend. Others have come to terms with it, and have no reluctance to discuss it openly. Either way, there isn't much you can do, other than being open, receptive, and listen to whatever she may be willing to share.

Of course there are other possibilities, but don't drive yourself crazy speculating. Stick around, you may find understanding, or even another dev you hit it off with. What you will likely find is a lot of understanding.

[Deleted]

Thanks Mike, very wise words and definitely something to consider.

I definitely plan on sticking around, this seems like a great community.

If she ever pops up again I will listen and try to be supportive. I'm not mad at her, I have no ill will, I'm just trying to come to terms with what happened so I can move on. I don't like feeling this way.

[Emma]

Welcome! I remember you from the WAAM yahoo group back in the day. I'm not sure I have any advice for you other than maybe see if you can get to know some other devs. This is certainly a good place to hang out because sometimes matches are made here. Not all disabled guys are okay with a devs attraction to their disability but it seems like you not only are okay with it but really enjoy the benefits you get. You also sound very well adjusted in the world of relationships which always helps things.

[Deleted]

Hi Emma. I remember WAAM, I don't remember you though, I'm sorry

I'm totally cool with women who are attracted to disabilities, especially mine! And I always thought I was well adjusted in the world of relationships but this experience just kicked me right in the face. I was not expecting to feel like this. Hopefully time will heal it, and I'm sure this community will help.

[devogirl]

Hi Mike, this board is not primarily for SCI guys. Guys with any physical disability are welcome.

[mike]

devogirl,

When you say "Hi Mike, this board is not primarily for SCI guys. Guys with any physical disability are welcome.", I am confused.

What did I say to imply that? I am not an SCI either, so that part is clear. Sorry if anyone was confused, but I never suggested any particular type of disability.

[Kid A]

Welcome, James. I hope this community will help you find peace of mind and give you a fresh perspective. I would basically echo what Mike said and like Emma, it's encouraging to hear you had such a positive response to intimacy with a dev. I'm sorry the aftermath hasn't been as pleasant. Though this board is primarily a place for us devs to come out and find acceptance amongst like-minded peers, the benefits of having perspectives like yours and similarly situated guys with disabilities is beyond measure. I hope you find the same is true for you.

Mike, maybe she thought James was also named "Mike", and was referencing the first few lines of his intro?

[Deleted]

Thanks Kid A. Hopefully I can offer some perspective to all of you.

[devogirl]

Yeah, sorry I got the name wrong, I meant James.

[AlrightyAphrodite]

First of all, James, welcome, welcome, warmly welcome. I lived in Phoenix for many years so I'm sure it's plenty warm enough for you already I think your post was beautifully written and it's great you had such an...enlightening time. I'm sorry it didn't work out, but everyone ends up there a time or two. I don't have any particular insight for you about what she might be thinking, but I'd say a couple of things to you:

It's perfectly natural to miss something wonderful you've had, when it's gone. There's nothing wrong with you or this mystical phenomenon you're experiencing, although I admire the emotional literacy it takes to bring it up here. Hey, emotional literacy, there's a fetching quality...

I honestly don't think your experience has much to do with her being a dev, than just with whatever connection you two had. It may have been stronger for you than it was for her, and I've been on both sides of that equation (neither one is an enviable spot). Just because it didn't last forever doesn't mean it wasn't great...in my estimation, life is temporary anyway (as Keynes would say it, "In the long run, we're all dead). Whatever she's thinking, and why she's not returning your contact, it doesn't really matter. She's just not that into you, and you should go find someone who is. Enthusiasm is key.

There is a difference between sex and intimacy, they are connected, but they are not interchangeable, and you can have one without the other. I don't mean to speak out of turn (but hey, you did come on the internet asking for advice , but it sounds like you may have been having lots of one, without the other. Maybe the fact that she's a dev allowed you to access another level of that, and it sounds like that was pretty profound for you, so even if she doesn't come back, maybe now you know a little more about what you're looking for. Here is not a bad place to look, though there are no guarantees, here or anywhere.

Now, James, I don't mean to hijack your thread...

But that's exactly what I'm about to do.

Mike, I totally think you're coming from a place I can respect, but I find the way you talk about devs really...grating. Essentializing, actually. I am not here to start a fight on the internet, and I ain't mad at you, but this comes up on the board a lot and I'd just like to...speak my piece, I guess.

Jul 21, 2013 20:25:11 GMT -5 mike said:

One very important thing to consider is this: Many devs have complex feelings about their attraction to various forms of disability.

If she pops up again, please try to be understanding, she's probably wrestling with personal issues of her own. You may (or may not) be able to comfort her or reassure her, but asking for explanations would likely be counter productive.

Devs are all different, just like all the rest of us, but often they feel quite alone and unsettled about the issue, and wouldn't even whisper it to their closest friend. Others have come to terms with it, and have no reluctance to discuss it openly.

Really? Devs are all different? Is that kind of like "devs are people, too?" Do we really need to point that out? Actually, I hear a rumor that at least some of us are giraffes...

I also don't have tortured issues over my sexuality. It's nothing that I had to "come to terms" with, it's not something I have especially "complex feelings" about, I don't need anyone to comfort me about the fact that I like guys in chairs...unless you're a cute guy in a chair, and then...maybe

I'm just so sick and tired of the Victorian hand-wringing all over the internet (that's not pointed at you specifically, Mike), and all over the board, about being a dev. I am pretty sure that a lot of you here already know this, but if you have any doubts, repeat after me: There is nothing wrong with liking guys with disabilities/in chairs/on crutches, whatever. I also like grilled cheese sandwiches and salt on my watermelon. I didn't have to "come to terms" with my love of Cherry Garcia, I just like what I like. I don't need special handling instructions because I'm a dev.

I just think there's a lot of needless flagellation around here about being a dev, and in the words of the great Sweet Brown, ain't nobody got time for that. I'm terribly sleep deprived and reserve the right to edit the living hell out of this post after all my brain is working. I hope I'm making sense to someone out there.

[Pisti]

Hi James, I just wanted to welcome you.
I remember you from some yahoo forum way back in time (maybe the same as Emma).
Unfortunately I cannot give you any advice, but you'll receive plenty of it, don't worry.

[devogirl]

Hi James, sorry for getting your name wrong! I'm really sorry you got used this way. But good for you for not hating all devs because of it, and not being consumed with anger and resentment. It seems like you understand you just have to move on--you'll get there eventually. It just takes some time.

[kivic]

AlrightyAphrodite, I like pepper on my watermelon

Welcome, James! You've probably come to the right community to help understand your feelings. There is lots of support here!

[Deleted]

Jul 22, 2013 4:53:44 GMT -5 AlrightyAphrodite said:

I honestly don't think your experience has much to do with her being a dev, than just with whatever connection you two had. It may have been stronger for you than it was for her, and I've been on both sides of that equation (neither one is an enviable spot). Just because it didn't last forever doesn't mean it wasn't great...in my estimation, life is temporary anyway (as Keynes would say it, "In the long run, we're all dead). Whatever she's thinking, and why she's not returning your contact, it doesn't really matter. She's just not that into you, and you should go find someone who is. Enthusiasm is key.

I've been on both sides as well, and you're right neither side is fun. And you're right, in the end her reasons don't really matter. I've just never cut off contact with someone without an explanation... I'm just the kind of guy who can handle being told I'm the worst human being on the planet better than silence. I'm weird.

Jul 22, 2013 4:53:44 GMT -5 AlrightyAphrodite said:

There is a difference between sex and intimacy, they are connected, but they are not interchangeable, and you can have one without the other. I don't mean to speak out of turn (but hey, you did come on the internet asking for advice , but it sounds like you may have been having lots of one, without the other. Maybe the fact that she's a dev allowed you to access another level of that, and it sounds like that was pretty profound for you, so even if she doesn't come back, maybe now you know a little more about what you're looking for. Here is not a bad place to look, though there are no guarantees, here or anywhere.

This really spoke to me. You're totally right too. Last week I hooked up with an old FWB thinking it would help... I felt worse afterwards. It was lacking. I think I got comfortable in my little bubble of emotionless fun, and this experience popped that bubble unexpectedly.

I don't know where she is now or what she's doing, and it doesn't matter. I'm not looking to get her back. I don't think she's gonna pop back up in my life and that's cool. I just wanna move forward. [/quote]