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Post by Inigo Montoya on Aug 1, 2013 20:22:58 GMT -5
Seems like a good reason to me....people move with their spouses/SO's all the time due to work... And some people choose not to... for a wide variety of reasons. Years ago, a man accepted an open position at my work place and then had to call back and renege because his wife wouldn't move. They'd been married for 20 or more years and were only moving a couple of hours away. I don't know what the discussion was between them... but he applied, interviewed and accepted the position and then had to call and say, "Oops! Sorry!" Which had to have been kind of embarrassing. I've been thinking about this off and on all day. I think it's really easy to think, "if she really loved me then she'd move." But there are a tremendous number of factors she may be thinking of that you're not considering. Also, I'm curious... when you talk to her about it, do you ask to discuss it without pressuring her? I had a friend who moved. She sold most of what she owned. She got rid of her pets. She quit her job. She packed what she could take. She put what she couldn't in storage. She made arrangements for some really, REALLY big things... only to get to move BACK and start over less than a year later. I had another friend who moved, with her family. The movers stored her stuff where it got storm damaged. She lost extremely valuable family heirlooms and keepsakes. I know of someone else (I'm not sure what kind of conversation this was shared in, so I'm not saying whom...) who has lived separately from her hubby for long periods of time... it'd be easy to say that one of them could have or should have moved... but I don't know all of their circumstances and it's not my place to judge. I'll readily admit, this is a bit of a ... sore spot? trigger? for me. Even though I've never moved for a guy. Because, so, so often it seems like it's the chick who's expected to travel, move, etc.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2013 23:08:11 GMT -5
Seems like a good reason to me....people move with their spouses/SO's all the time due to work... And some people choose not to... for a wide variety of reasons. Years ago, a man accepted an open position at my work place and then had to call back and renege because his wife wouldn't move. They'd been married for 20 or more years and were only moving a couple of hours away. I don't know what the discussion was between them... but he applied, interviewed and accepted the position and then had to call and say, "Oops! Sorry!" Which had to have been kind of embarrassing. I've been thinking about this off and on all day. I think it's really easy to think, "if she really loved me then she'd move." But there are a tremendous number of factors she may be thinking of that you're not considering. Also, I'm curious... when you talk to her about it, do you ask to discuss it without pressuring her? I had a friend who moved. She sold most of what she owned. She got rid of her pets. She quit her job. She packed what she could take. She put what she couldn't in storage. She made arrangements for some really, REALLY big things... only to get to move BACK and start over less than a year later. I had another friend who moved, with her family. The movers stored her stuff where it got storm damaged. She lost extremely valuable family heirlooms and keepsakes. I know of someone else (I'm not sure what kind of conversation this was shared in, so I'm not saying whom...) who has lived separately from her hubby for long periods of time... it'd be easy to say that one of them could have or should have moved... but I don't know all of their circumstances and it's not my place to judge. I'll readily admit, this is a bit of a ... sore spot? trigger? for me. Even though I've never moved for a guy. Because, so, so often it seems like it's the chick who's expected to travel, move, etc. I completely understand this Inigo...moving is a big deal, and should not be taken lightly. IMHO it should be something both people want. Not just agree to, but want. It may take some discussion but afterwards the decision should be mutual. If one person is unsure they end up blaming their partner (maybe subconsciously) when any little thing goes wrong in this "new place",which leads then to resentment. I personally stayed put for a guy when I would have preferred to move and never regretted my decision. So it can be looked at both ways of course- "if you love me enough you'll move", while the other person says "if you love me enough you'll stay", who wins out? If there is good communication and enough commitment, I think there will be no "winner" and both people will be content with the decision.....whatever it is. It is about supporting each other, and is definitely a testament to the strength of the relationship IMO. PS. I'm not sure this helps you wheelz1979, except to realize the decision to move needs to be a mutual one, or the relationship probably won't work out in the long run anyways....
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Aug 1, 2013 23:16:25 GMT -5
Oh, great post! I agree wholeheartedly. My ramble wasn't really to you or at you (just to be clear). But your response is lovely.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2013 23:23:01 GMT -5
Thanks Inigo I wasn't completely happy with my first post anyways, I was short on time and I over simplified things....so I was happy to have a chance to elaborate more after your post inspired me.
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Post by Pisti on Aug 2, 2013 3:51:36 GMT -5
I know of someone else (I'm not sure what kind of conversation this was shared in, so I'm not saying whom...) who has lived separately from her hubby for long periods of time... it'd be easy to say that one of them could have or should have moved... but I don't know all of their circumstances and it's not my place to judge. It is sad, but here, in Brussels, at the European institutions but also in the private sector, we have quite a lot of those examples. To work here is very interesting and rewarding, so many choose to apply, but sometimes they have a husband or wife back home who built up already his or her carriere and don't want to give it up. Also there are mostly men, who wouldn't follow their wife here because they don't speak the local languages, so couldn't find work here, and is to proud to live of the wifes salary. I know also of some families, who have disabled children, who cannot get the necessary education here, for example if the kid has some developmental problem and is unable to learn a foreign language beside the already known Finnish or Greek or whatever. Another classical example are deaf children. Since sign language is different per language, they usually move back with one parent to their home country, while the other parent stays here. I'll readily admit, this is a bit of a ... sore spot? trigger? for me. Even though I've never moved for a guy. Because, so, so often it seems like it's the chick who's expected to travel, move, etc. I was expected to move two times, once giving up my studies, once my work, but I didn't do it. The first time the guy gave up on me, the second guy is my husband...
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wheelz1979
Full Member
hello everyone
Posts: 194
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by wheelz1979 on Aug 2, 2013 20:33:37 GMT -5
thanks abcisme and everyone else for their comments. i'm not pressuring her to move with me or asking her anymore...her being with me she didn't have to do anything far as work and i even helped support her daughter because her dad is a total bum...so she's going to go live with her sister other daughter can be close to her bum father...thank you all for the comments it helped a lot
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