ASK A WHEELER: How does it make you feel when devs gush over

[didi]

(sorry, didn´t fit into the subject line)... gush over specific aspects of your disability?

Actually I wanted to post a reply to James´ “Why do you like what you like?” question but by the end of my writing, I thought “ I am really interested in finding out how the other PWD on this board feel about it..”. So I figured I should just start my own thread. So here we go.

A while ago, I talked to a friend of mine who is a quad and knows that I am a dev. I told him that I met this one guy who has not SCI but another disability and that I can totally see the appeal of that disability as well - although I previously only fantasized about guys with SCI. He asked to give him some examples of what I find attractive in that certain disability. When I openly told him what exactly acted as a “dev-trigger” (lol), he soon became a bit uncomfortable and in the end told me something along the lines of “ … okay, I got it. Thanks” in an attempt to make me stop talking. And it wasn’t even him or his disability that I was talking about! But he was clearly uncomfortable.

How would you feel if a dev gushes over specific aspect of your disability? Maybe even aspects that you dislike?

PS: I purposely left out my own interpretation of that scenario 

[britishtetra]

Well in my case it really doesn't bother me, I quite like it. I'm a C4/5 quad and have had dev ladies attracted to my hands, legs, quad belly and all in all I'm pretty open minded about it all. Each to there own as my late gran use to say, I'm open to everything really...

Pete,

[Tek]

I think that it depends on your own self-image.

If you are 'at peace' with yourself, and completely accept your disability and all the 'things' that are part of it... then having someone tell you they like those parts of you can be very exciting, and boost your self-confidence and self-image. At the same time it tells the the dev that they should not have to hide anything about their attraction to you, and can be totally open about it to you (or others, if they want).

If you are unable to accept your situation, it might be a bad thing to have someone openly put your (self perceived) 'flaws' under a magnifying glass, and knowing that this person always pays attention to it can make you more self-conscious and remind you of stuff that you would rather ignore.

I can also see it happen that by having someone tell you exactly what they like about your disability will slowly change your self-image in a positive way... but only if you're truly positive about the whole dev/wheeler dynamics, and don't just 'tolerate' devotee-ism as a 'way to get a girl even though i'm stuck to this chair/crutch'

I put myself in the first category.

[mike]

Interesting question Dilara, it made me think for a while. On the one hand there are aspects I don't mind discussing, such as the disorder itself (EDS), or the unemotional aspects such as joint instability, and there are some I actually enjoy discussing because they are interesting in a technical sense. On the other hand there are aspects I would rather ignore (pain), and really don't discuss unless there is some specific reason to do so. Discussing that aspect makes me uncomfortable in a couple different ways. One of the issues is that openly recognizing that aspect makes me feel like a victim of some sort, and I really don't like that feeling. For the most part having EDS feels neutral, kinda like having blue eyes. When acknowledging the unpleasant aspects, it's more difficult to separate the problem from my feelings.

That could possibly make things awkward, as the other person wouldn't have any way of discerning where the emotional triggers were.

How about a thread about the aspects of your disability that are or are not open for discussion?

[Deleted]

I'm totally cool with it. I'm not sure if anyone has 'gushed' over aspects of my dis to me before, but I wouldn't mind. Actually, I'd probably like it a lot

[Kiran]

I am totally open-minded to discuss any aspects of my disability, Dilara! Tanks for create this thread!

Nothing bothers me about my CP type (Spastic Diplegia)

The only thing that bothers me a little is the lack of acessibility and the excess of cobblestone pavement here in my town...

[jd]

Great question....I look at it like someone being attracted to a specific feature on someone's body. For example, I love a woman's legs, and not because I don't have any, well at least I think that's not why But anyway, that being one characteristic of what I like, I can see the opposite. If a dev gushes over something particular to my disability then I say what the hell. There are so many people; myself included - until I was more comfortable with myself, who would not be as open to it so having someone be so positive about it makes for a positive. It's similar to how Tek described it... once I got more comfortable with me, then someone else gushing over the disability does not bother me.

[skywheeler]

I think for me it would just be a matter of whether I wanted to spend time with the dev in question or not. I think I've encountered one in person several years ago (before I even knew what a dev was) and she was immediately 'gushing' over my hands. At first I was flattered and enjoyed the attention, even if I thought it was a bit odd. But as I got to know her better, mainly through her stalking and generally proving herself to be an unbalanced pain in the ass, I didn't want anything to do with her whether she was gushing or not. Basically, I think I'm pro-gushing for anyone whose company I either enjoy or haven't evaluated yet, and the gushing itself has only a slightly positive effect on my desire to be around someone.

I also don't think that there would be many (can't think of any) aspects of my disability that I would be uncomfortable discussing, at least in a one to one setting.

[Deleted]

I've never had anyone gush over any aspect of my disability, so I don't really know. I'm trying to imagine it and I don't think it would be that big of a deal. If it's something I hate, like my belly, I'd get used to it.

Counter question: Do you actually gush over stuff like that? I mean, I loved my ex's body but I think I kept my gushing to a minimum. Sure, I'd mention something to let her know that I really loved what she had but I think it would get weird beyond that. Like some kind of worship.

[Ximena]

Oct 3, 2013 17:51:28 GMT -5 @mrniceguy said:

I've never had anyone gush over any aspect of my disability, so I don't really know. I'm trying to imagine it and I don't think it would be that big of a deal. If it's something I hate, like my belly, I'd get used to it.

Counter question: Do you actually gush over stuff like that? I mean, I loved my ex's body but I think I kept my gushing to a minimum. Sure, I'm mention something to let her know that I really loved what she had but I think it would get weird beyond that. Like some kind of worship.

This isn't dev related, but I tell my husband all the time how much I love his hair, and the way he smells on the back of his neck, lol. It's not a fetish in the sense that I like that in general, just in him in particular. He also really likes when I touch the back of his neck and massage his scalp, so it makes me like it even more. He just rolls his eyes and tells me I'm weird and then tells me "don't stop" lol.

So... in that sense, yeah... But I think with "gushing" there's a fine line between flattery and creepy.

[Deleted]

I just realized I really missed a great opportunity here to talk about how I've made girls gush before. I failed.

[didi]

Thank you guys (and girls) for your honest answers.

But I think with "gushing" there's a fine line between flattery and creepy

I am sorry, English is not my mother tongue and I had no idea that "gushing" entails such negative associations. I was looking for a word that describes "talking openly about attraction".

Imagine this scenario: You meet a dev (in real life or online) and after you´ve talked for a while, you ask her about what exactly she finds attractive about your disability. She then starts to talk about specific "dev turn ons", focussing only on body parts that differ from the body of an AB person (body parts that move differently/look differently/function differently or not at all). While she talks about those turn-ons she does so in every little detail and totally lays it on the line.

How would you feel about that?

[mike]

Dilara,

Don't worry, that is exactly what most people infer when you say 'gushing'. I suppose in some contexts it could have other meanings, but your question was very clear. In some contexts it could mean obsequious, but not in the way you used it.

[Emma]

I'm with Lucretia. I gush at times. I kept that kind of thing to a minimum when we first met because, well I didn't want to freak him out. Now that we have been together for years and are married I feel more okay being open about my feelings of adoration towards his body. I have asked him if its okay afterwards and he always reassures me that he enjoys what I do.

[Q]

Oct 3, 2013 19:54:56 GMT -5 didi said:

Thank you guys (and girls) for your honest answers.

But I think with "gushing" there's a fine line between flattery and creepy

I am sorry, English is not my mother tongue and I had no idea that "gushing" entails such negative associations. I was looking for a word that describes "talking openly about attraction".

Imagine this scenario: You meet a dev (in real life or online) and after you´ve talked for a while, you ask her about what exactly she finds attractive about your disability. She then starts to talk about specific "dev turn ons", focussing only on body parts that differ from the body of an AB person (body parts that move differently/look differently/function differently or not at all). While she talks about those turn-ons she does so in every little detail and totally lays it on the line.

How would you feel about that?

Ummm... How would I feel... AMAZING! Like a boss!!!