Have you told your parents?

[Lee]

Settle this this a poll...

[AlrightyAphrodite]

My mom and I have had pretty explicit talks about it. Granted, I have a great relationship with her that has come after years of hard work but I really do feel like she loves and accepts me no matter what. Her initial reaction to me dating a disabled guy (which was like a decade ago) was not great but since then I have learned to present it as a very normal natural part of who I am. The issue of how to phrase it has been brought up and I have actually employed multiple strategies: hinting at it, and then just coming right out and saying it. I guess I explain it something like, we all have our preferences, this is mine, as long as the guy is respectful and kind to me, i.e. not clearly in my worst interest, they should not only let me make my own decisions by respect the simple fact that I like who I like.

I really don't present it as something for which I am seeking their input or approval, but a very simple, non-judgemental, not dramatic fact of life and facet of my personality. Here is the other thing that might be different between me and other devs: have to say something since I pretty much, almost exclusively, date disabled guys. At this point, I think it might actually be strange if I brought home an AB guy, which I haven't done since college. I guess for woman who live out their devness through just fantasy, I can understand that it's probably easier for you not to say something. There are of course other parts of my sexual life I am more and less open with people about, my parents included. But, for me, being a dev is much more akin to a lifestyle choice than a fetish. I guess if you keep a couple of novels under your mattress that is one thing but by the time you have brought home disabled guy #4 it's time for a conversation.

Also, don't think I don't have respect for those devs that don't choose to "live it out", it's certainly an attractive options that doesn't come with a lot of the hangups, challenges, emotional issues that dating a disabled guy uniquely can. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just plain not built that way. But I guess for me (not saying this is true for all of you) the amount of stress and cognitive dissonance I spent "hiding" my devness was, in hindsight, so not worth it. Accepting this part of myself fully has just been such a relief, that now it is hard for me not to look back and see all suffering as well and truly optional.

I know I'm really winning friends and influencing people with this argument, but I think it's really important, so I'll say it again: while we all can choose our own degree of openness, but if you're *ashamed* of being a dev, or being with one, you are doing yourself a disservice.

"What is the secret to liberation?" the man asked the wise old monk. The monk replied, "Who tied you up?"

[Ximena]

I don't talk about it with them because I don't feel a need to. Granted, I don't "hide" it from them either. I let my mom read my fiction if she wants it, and I'm very frank and open about sex in general (I embarrass her far more than she embarrasses me), but the only one I've actually gone out and "told" out right is my husband, because I don't really feel a need to tell anyone else. If they "figure it out" fine.

[kivic]

Nov 25, 2013 8:43:09 GMT -5 AlrightyAphrodite said:

 But I guess for me (not saying this is true for all of you) the amount of stress and cognitive dissonance I spent "hiding" my devness was, in hindsight, so not worth it. Accepting this part of myself fully has just been such a relief, that now it is hard for me not to look back and see all suffering as well and truly optional.

I think it's really important, so I'll say it again: while we all can choose our own degree of openness, but if you're *ashamed* of being a dev, or being with one, you are doing yourself a disservice.

"What is the secret to liberation?" the man asked the wise old monk. The monk replied, "Who tied you up?"

Beginning to understand how truly tied up it feels (and how it undermines my sense of well-being) to keep everything close and to myself.  Attempting to suppress my devness takes WAY TOO much work. 

[jacksongirl]

My parents are dead. But I doubt I'd have talked about it with either of them.

[Deleted]

My sexual attractions are none of my parents' business. I think my mother suspects, but she's chosen to leave well enough alone.

[Inigo Montoya]

I told my mom and my sister because I was getting ready to fly (had never flown before) to meet a guy from here. He was the second disabled guy whom I had been "involved" with. I was thinking that there might be more. Referring to Cake's "how you tell" bit, I started with something like... "I have a thing for disabled guys." The response was generally, "Oh, that's because you're a compassionate person." Me: "Um, nope, it's a sexual thing... compassion has nothing to do with it." Them: "Really?" *a few questions and explanations then move on to the next topic*

I have never told my father, but that's because he still can't watch movies with sex scenes in them when I'm in the room. So telling him that I'm having sex AT ALL seems like a bad idea. lol

My family is pretty open about these things, though.

[Inigo Montoya]

I was looking at the numbers for "No, I think my sexual preference is none of their business." and thinking about my gay friends and how lucky we are to even have that as a choice. Nobody here HAS to come out. You can date as many disabled guys as you like and assuming anyone ever mentioned it or asked, you could continually come up with ways that you "just happen" to meet this guy or that guy.

[Enid]

I went with "it's none of their business", but my real answer would be "not yet". I'm pretty sure they'll figure it out if I date another disabled guy. For what's worth, I don't plan on telling them I'm a dev unless they ask.

[Pisti]

I choose "none of their business", but the truth is that in Hungarian culture sexual attractions, salary and political views are still taboo, so I wouldn't know how to bring it up to not to be rude.

[greenbean]

I think I told my mom about how I felt guilty for fantasizing about disabled people when I was 16... I don't think it was even in a sexual way at that point but she was pretty creeped out by it! So yah, a big hell no to that. Because it's none of their beeswax and because they wouldn't understand.

[SammyGirl]

Once I hit disabled guy #3, I decided I should break things down to my mother. What was her reaction you ask? She busted out into tears and kept repeating, "But I thought you wanted someone you could do things with!". Once my eye rolling and laughter subsided, we had a pretty good conversation. While she has accepted this aspect of me, I think she's still uncomfortable with it. My friends, on the other hand, all know and are totally cool with it. While it's not always easy or comfortable to own who I am (devness and otherwise), at the end of the day it's my life and my happiness.

[orchid]

I have not explicitly told my parents in the same way that I don't discuss other personal stuff with them and don't expect them to tell me either, e.g. What my dad and his gf do in their bedroom!
My mom and I are very close so I think once when the conversation went to guys etc i said something about it not being an issue with me to date someone with a disability (granted it is not exactly the same thing as saying I'm a dev) and she looked at me and said that she is sure I know what I want and that we all have our preferences in life. Pretty cool response actually my sister I told a bit more, also about this board. Again my sister and I are very close so it just felt right to tell her.
My dad, nope. But then I only introduce him to guys once it's actually a proper relationship. I'm sure he doesn't want to know more about my sex life than he already knows.

[fray]

I feel like if I ever did there would be some confusion then "...is that why you were so obsessed with Dark Angel and taking out books about disability at the library when you were younger...?"

[Pigeon]

I haven't, yet. I don't know if I will. They reacted pretty badly when my sister came out as asexual, so I imagine anything beyond a pretty vanilla kink would make them uncomfortable. That said, they may suspect… I wrote a lot about disability when I was little (okay, I still do), and they read some of it.