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Post by jacksongirl on Dec 14, 2013 15:57:13 GMT -5
GREAT thread!!!
OK, I am not in a relationship at the moment, but I know I could handle the "baggage" that comes with being involved with a DIS guy. I feel like if your attaching your life to someone else's, dis or not, your signing on for all the good or bad that comes along with it. I really believe in the "in sickness and in health" line, even if I'm not sold on the whole marriage thing.
That being said, the above line works both ways. If I have a health issue, I want to be taken care of too. Whether that's picking up a prescription or bringing me a drink of water, or being there after surgery. Having someone around when your not well, who you know gives a crap that your not well, is soooo important.
Oh and also, I'm an OCD control freak too. I HATE clutter! But if my guy isn't as naturally tidy as I am, I'll try to curb that part of me so he's comfortable in my house too.
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Post by hanabanana on Dec 15, 2013 15:54:58 GMT -5
Awesome thread. I have pretty ridiculous ADHD, and my current SO has mild OCD. And when he came to visit my dorm he reorganized all my shit. And the minute he left I tore my dorm apart again. I am a messy person, and I don't like being that way but when I am busy and overloaded with work that's how I get. The status of my room is usually a reflection of my brain haha. But when I go to other peoples places I am surprisingly good at putting things back and containing my chaos(whatever I have in my suitcase) to a small corner and out of the way and eyes of others. Which kills my mother because she wishes I was that way at home.
I learned to close cabinets because once my fathers vision got worse I was the reason he bumped his head on an open cabinet. Oops.
But all of this said and done, I don't think I have yet to experience taking on "baggage". I don't see it that way. I see it as the package. And if I wanted to open the package to get to the gift in side I'd just have to get my shit together, or else I don't deserve it in the first place. Did that make sense? Yikes way to ramble.
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Post by blueskye101 on Dec 15, 2013 16:27:25 GMT -5
. "I also don't consider it baggage though. To me, dealing with that is no different than expecting someone to deal with my issues (crazy family, crazy job, etc). Just my single dev two cents"
This got me thinking about ALL the issues that come up in a long term relationship. Like the crazy family issues, all our quirks (OCD stuff, messiness,politics, religion, money handling,likes and dislikes, health issues on both sides and our response to it. I know my ex had a really hard time dealing with anyone being sick more than a day or two. "Ok, you should be fine now. Whats the issue" Unfortunately,I've dealt with not very well controlled Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia for more than 25yrs and did not always live up to his expectations. I always worked full time, raised kids, had a huge yard,and a 3 story house when kids growing up but some days I hurt like hell or was unable to get to work and he could not "get it" I remember a trip to NY we took and walked for miles everywhere and finally my body gave out and had to stay at hotel part of the day while he con't on( which was fine with me) but he was ticked off that I couldn't keep up. Yea, he could be kinda of an ass. Good for him that he has a new partner 20 yrs younger now. Anyway.. the point being that many of us have or will have issues of all kinds to deal with. Some big, some small but all can be a pain in the ass at times or need extra time to deal. Its amazing any one stays together, but... I think pretty much any situation can work if honest up front, patient and kind to each other. Too PollyAnna?
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Post by lavly on Dec 15, 2013 16:43:07 GMT -5
blueskye your x does sound like an ass.
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Tom
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Post by Tom on Dec 15, 2013 16:54:14 GMT -5
I tend to be a very clean and organized person. It's not because I have OCD in reality it is mostly out of necessity. Being a high functioning quad I am very independent but a huge part of that independence is due to my environment. My apartment i set up just right to make everything as accessible as possible. That being said it is kind of lame when someone comes over and moves something around without thinking about it. Next thing you know something you need is out of reach or in your way. Its not the end of the world or anything but it can be frustrating sometimes.
Due to my lack of experience with relationships I don't really have much to add about girlfriends accepting all of the baggage that comes along with dating a wheeler. I'd like to think that when I find that special someone they will happily accept all of the baggage that comes along with me, if only life was so easy.
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Post by Pony on Dec 15, 2013 18:50:44 GMT -5
just a few things…nobody ever really knows what they're getting into when they start going out with someone. yup, us quads can have more limitations, but there are AB dudes out there that can be a handful, too. More than just physical!! I have an aide that helps me in a.m., and she comes back in p.m. I don't need a gf to be my aide, don't want that. I can't stroll down the beach, or fix a girl's car, but I have other talents…(devil laugh)
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Post by lavly on Dec 15, 2013 23:14:25 GMT -5
wow thanks for sharing ... even though some of that stuff hasnt happend to the guy im with ... ie i dont think watters see me when im with my dude ... they just talk to him like im not there and i get jelly!!!
but i think i love this post cos its like devs have to hide the fact that some of the things that you have to put up with when your with a wheeler are hard. its like we chose it so we cant be upset by it.
i totaly agree that its not the pressure sore or the thing guy do worrie about that wear you down ...its other small stuff.
thank you for being honist about the things you find hard to deal with.
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Post by Pony on Dec 16, 2013 10:18:56 GMT -5
i rarely read a post that long, but it was interesting…sometimes society, even family, don't realize they are belittling and disrespecting someone in a chair. they're so used to it, maybe. I have to say, i don't have that problem usually, but there are always those people out there. that was a very honest post, and things i wouldn't have thought of..
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Post by darthoso on Dec 19, 2013 3:10:48 GMT -5
I'm bumping this topic up since I've got a related question for devs but it doesn't deserve its own thread:
We talked about the physical stuff that a disability brings to the table in a relationship and the challenges that presents. What about the emotional side of someone with a disability and how that impacts someone's development. I used to read a blog called "stuck at 17" about a woman with CP in her 30s struggling with sex/virginity and her first relationship. I'm bringing this up because from the chats, messages, and Skype chats we've done I get the feeling that the devs have a lot more relationship experience that us. I'm gonna make a broad generalization about SOME of the guys here: we're dumb (don't deny it guys).
Looking at myself, I've never been in a relationship. I have NO idea what the hell I'd be doing in my first relationship. I've seen my friends with GFs, I've given more relationship advise then I'm qualified to give (seriously, ladies, stop asking me why your dick head BF is a dick head), I've been told I'd be a good BF, but I know I'm a 15 year old in this area despite being 25 years old.
My question to the devs is: have you taken into consideration that some of us are retarded around girls and have no idea what to do in a relationship (or dating for that matter?)
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dev2cc
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Post by dev2cc on Dec 19, 2013 4:12:03 GMT -5
Interesting point. I've only really ever had friendships and random encounters with disabled guys, so am not qualified to answer really. I can see where you're coming from. I wonder though, does experience make for a good relationship? Or is it more about two people who click? I see where you're coming from. It's given me something to think about.
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Post by darthoso on Dec 19, 2013 9:59:25 GMT -5
the fact that I tried to buy us tickets to an event and they gave me separate tickets that are basically on opposite sides of the place.. (I'm exaggerating a bit but are you fucking kidding me?!) Repeat after me: "I am a Personal Care Attendant protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act, separating us is in violation of federal law." I'm not sure if that's legally accurate but neither does anyone you'll need to drop that line on, its just enough to scare them into getting whatever you want.
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ej
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Gender: Female
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by ej on Dec 20, 2013 3:06:24 GMT -5
It's late and I'm late to the party, so I'll embellish tomorrow and stuff, but in my opinion: no.
I'd say that devs don't understand the emotional roller coaster that sometimes comes with dating someone with a disability. I know that I certainly didn't and I'm as unprepared for it each day when I wake up as I was almost two years ago. Hah. I just don't think the emotional toll that it takes on both the guy and dev is something a person can be prepared for.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2013 17:58:21 GMT -5
Darthoso asks: One thing I've wondered is how willing are devs to accept all the baggage disabilities can bring with them? Could that attraction withstand repeat hospital stays, other people (possibly parents) bathing your SO? I guess I wonder if devs know fully what you're getting into. Not every dev is looking for a relationship with a disabled guy. But for those who ARE, how would you respond to this question? For those of us who are ALREADY in long-term relationships with a disabled man, what did you know before-hand, and was there anything that you did not expect? Is there anything you wished you had known? I think this is a great topic to discuss as well, so thanks again to Darthoso for opening it up. Hmmmm. Maybe a long answer ahead for me. As I said in this link here (click) , I appear to be on both sides of the para/devo fence (which is kind of why I signed up. I knew I was a para, but wasn't sure about the devo end of it). I, myself, have SB, (T-2 incomplete myelomeningocele, for those acquainted with SB). I use crutches to ambulate, and wear AFO's for extra support. As far as being a devo, I befriended a young woman with CF (cystic fibrosis) back in '06, and developed a crush on her, mask and all (that's not her in my avatar, but a friend of hers that had CF as well). I wonder about all that baggage, though. CF requires lots of hospitalizations, which is something I may not be mobile enough to put up with all the time (transiting to and from hospital day in/day out). As well, the medicines they put you on have unpleasant side effects, sometimes affecting (IIRC) mood. As well, prednisone sometimes makes your face puff up. This usually proves unfortunate from a physical attraction standpoint. And, I hate to say it, but looks do matter. As well, there is the grief of losing your partner to death. My friend and I had a common friend, also with CF, and also very pretty. She died of CF at about age 21. She and I had never met in person, unlike my friend, but she and I IMed a bit, and hoped to maybe meet. I was torn apart when she passed on. Grief is just not something I am good at handling when it's genuine. And in my disability, spina bifida, death sometimes still happens somewhat early (as the result of kidney issues, wounds that don't heal correctly...I knew one SB woman that died at 31 from some sort of bowel issue). But, more and more of us do live full lifespans (I met an SB a few years ago who was 79 and drove a car with hand controls). Thus starts my segue away from my devo side into my para side. Speaking as a para, I'll say that my mobility is something that depresses me at times. I am 5ft10 and 230, which is morbidly obese. I also have very, very tight quads. So, I am slow to walk, can't carry too much, and am not the most sightly guy ever (the "me" part of my avatar is pretty accurate, right down to the scowl). As well, I am retired. At 38. Pension issues are complicated here in California, such that, for me, it's advantageous NOT to have a job. But I'll admit, my working days weren't too satisfying, anyhow. Finally, as much as I have a libido that is off the charts (kind of embarrassing at times), my mobility might really restrict what I am able to do sexually. Maybe, maybe not, but I do worry. Oh, and also just being upfront with all this stuff kind of scares me. I'm terrible at standing up for myself and saying what I need. Not sure how disability-related that is, though. Interesting thread topic!
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Post by matisse on Dec 20, 2013 21:11:07 GMT -5
But the reality is that I end up doing most of the physical work. Even if it’s not “my” day for dishes, or laundry, or taking out the trash, the simple fact is… that shit all needs doing. And if my kids are not around, or have bailed for the evening… then guess who picks up the slack? I actually hate this too, there's lots of stuff that I would automatically be doing if I were AB. But I do get her a lot of help, so she doesn't end up having to cook much, clean, laundry, etc. Now, I know a lot of that comes with just being a mom, but because we do NEED to have clear floors, counters and clean laundry I actually have more to do now than I did before. I can’t leave the laundry on the couch for the kids to get to the next day when they get home from school, nor can I leave the dishes in the sink for the unlucky next person. In order for the household to work and for my husband to do what he needs/wants to do, all those little things that could slide for a day or two now just have to get done. So there is a level of expectation that someone will do those things. My husband gets mad when my kids leave me hanging, but there is still the expectation that yeah, it will get done. I get the floors, but why the need for the rest of the stuff to get done right away? Our floors are kept generally clear, but we do have some clutter in other places that are not in my way.
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Post by Maurine on Jan 8, 2014 19:54:17 GMT -5
There wasn't much time for me to ask myself what was awaiting me but so far nothing linked to by boyfriend's disability has come up that I couldn't deal with. Though there are certain things I cannot do with him or only with a lot of struggle, the things I win in our relationship far, far, far, far, far outweigh these minor concerns. I love him so much.
I don't see it as a waste of time when helping him on getting ready in the morning and when going to bed at night, on the contrary, I think this is an intimate thing we both enjoy and which often leads to sex.
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