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Post by lucretia on Oct 21, 2014 18:43:34 GMT -5
So.... Seems like most devs do the traveling lately.
Just make sure you're not doing all the work. Most guys CAN travel. If you are looking long-term, you can and should expect HIM to do half of the traveling.
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Post by Maurine on Oct 21, 2014 18:58:22 GMT -5
So.... Seems like most devs do the traveling lately. Just make sure you're not doing all the work. Most guys CAN travel. If you are looking long-term, you can and should expect HIM to do half of the traveling. Travel maybe, but many devs don't have an accessible flat, let alone bathroom. My bf's chair doesn't even fit through my bathroom door, even though his chair is super narrow. So he travels to me only on special occasions. I prefer his place and city anyway, it feels more at home . We split the costs for travelling, though.
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lilyth
Junior Member
Posts: 74
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by lilyth on Oct 21, 2014 19:50:55 GMT -5
So.... Seems like most devs do the traveling lately. Just make sure you're not doing all the work. Most guys CAN travel. If you are looking long-term, you can and should expect HIM to do half of the traveling. Travel maybe, but many devs don't have an accessible flat, let alone bathroom. My bf's chair doesn't even fit through my bathroom door, even though his chair is super narrow. So he travels to me only on special occasions. I prefer his place and city anyway, it feels more at home . We split the costs for travelling, though. This. My apartment is "accessible" but not really. Not if I needed to lift a guy or something, not enough space in the bathroom. Historically I've always gone to the guy, though it got a little depressing after awhile and was one of many factors that contributed to ending a relationship...we did always split travel costs, though, so that was nice. Current bf came to me first despite some difficult stuff he was dealing with at the time Such a keeper.
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Post by AlrightyAphrodite on Oct 21, 2014 20:51:32 GMT -5
Lucy, now that I have a moment I though I'd type out some "advice" because I have been in this situation before, a few times with a few guys, both AB and DA. Always an adventure...
First, I would recommend always traveling with a contingency plan. It's happened once to me and there are tales around the board... Maybe one of you just doesn't feel the chemistry, maybe he leaves you hanging... Never put yourself in a situation you can't extricate yourself from by yourself. Have a friend you can stay with, a backup hotel, whatever.
Also, have seen this over and over again, read Lucretia's very wise post and have a reality check. It is super easy for things to get very serious very fast and I would usually say that's not a good thing, though I suppose there are some people who pull it off. But how serious can you really be with someone you haven't met? I think it's easy for things to seem more serious than they really are online.
I just think there's a lot to be said for reigning in your expectations in the beginning. As a dev in this situation it's so easy to get caught in your own head. For me, in these experiences, it's like all the colors in the world get brighter and the volume on everything gets turned up. I think it's helpful to be aware of that and be ready in advance. Otherwise, I think many devs and many girls in general set themselves up for disappointment. It can also put lots of pressure on the guy.
Dilara, your comment struck me when you talked about how you were nervous because meeting this guy was heading long term, for me it's the opposite. I don't really think this will go anywhere and I actually imagine I will end up with an AB guy over the long run. But still, I hope this will be a fun time for both of us, some things are lovely and transient all at once. I'd rather enjoy those things for what they are than lament their impermanence.
On that note, I would still recommend to you serious minded gal to keep things relatively light. I also highly recommend that if you're traveling, you have at least a couple things you can do on your own. I don't want to depend on a guy to entertain me, and going from never met to spending a week in each other's constant company can be tricky. Also, for me, at some point I'll just need some space to process when he's not around. So Lavly pointed out some guys may be new to the dev thing or the sex thing or whatever, I do find that guys who haven't ever been with a dev might not know what to do with that kind of attention at first. Space and time apart can help. That's one reason dance is such a convenient hobby, I can do it anywhere and I can also go out more or less depending on how much time I want to spend... On other pursuits. There was one instance where I bought a dance pass and never did one song, we couldn't keep our hands to ourselves so I never left the house. In that case I didn't need the contingency :-)
I might sound like a downer, raining on the parades of all you lovebirds, but I just find that I'm more at ease if I know I've covered my bases, then I can unwind and have fun. Be safe and happy travels.
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lilyth
Junior Member
Posts: 74
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by lilyth on Oct 21, 2014 21:34:12 GMT -5
AlrightyAphrodite, you aren't raining on the parade - it's such good advice. I've done this three times now, and while twice it's been the "can't keep our hands off each other, oh my god, this is magic" thing, once it was not, and having another place to go or a way out would have been wise. I second that notion. Hopefully it doesn't come to that!
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Post by hanabanana on Oct 21, 2014 22:13:56 GMT -5
I'm flying out to meet my SO for the first time next week and I'm in the same boat. Definitely feels like flying elephants in my tummy. I'll be traveling too next week, he's definitely not my SO, (not nearly that serious) but I have major elephants too. Watch out boys, next week the devs are migrating. Could be a stampede. The stampede is definitely intensifying oh geez.
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Post by Chan on Oct 21, 2014 22:21:04 GMT -5
I'm flying out to meet my SO for the first time next week and I'm in the same boat. Definitely feels like flying elephants in my tummy. I'll be traveling too next week, he's definitely not my SO, (not nearly that serious) but I have major elephants too. Watch out boys, next week the devs are migrating. Could be a stampede. I'm flying out in two weeks as well. 'Tis the season for dev/dis travel connections
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lilyth
Junior Member
Posts: 74
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by lilyth on Oct 21, 2014 22:25:28 GMT -5
I'll be traveling too next week, he's definitely not my SO, (not nearly that serious) but I have major elephants too. Watch out boys, next week the devs are migrating. Could be a stampede. I'm flying out in two weeks as well. 'Tis the season for dev/dis travel connections Haha wow, I'm flying to see mine in a few weeks! It's the holiday rush or something.
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littlesparkle
New Member
I love a man on wheels...
Posts: 48
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by littlesparkle on Oct 22, 2014 7:27:35 GMT -5
Just b yourself. When it comes to helping, it shouldn't feel awkward. One you are comfortable with each other, he's gonna let you know if he needs help with something I'm sure. That's how it was with me and my ex, a natural progression on trust and ease.
But if you see him struggling with something; always asks first of he needs help. I'm sure he'll appreciate the thought. One you spend enough time with each other you kinda know when and what to help with, it just becomes second nature.
My ex and I would even sometimes have little funny moments. We had a 5 mins agreement that I'd let him try for 5 mins before stepping in to help. He always finds it funny when he sees me waiting and he'd b like, you're dying to help me aren't you? Lol
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Post by lucretia on Oct 22, 2014 10:09:57 GMT -5
Travel maybe, but many devs don't have an accessible flat, let alone bathroom. My bf's chair doesn't even fit through my bathroom door, even though his chair is super narrow. So he travels to me only on special occasions. I prefer his place and city anyway, it feels more at home . We split the costs for travelling, though. This. My apartment is "accessible" but not really. Not if I needed to lift a guy or something, not enough space in the bathroom. Historically I've always gone to the guy, though it got a little depressing after awhile and was one of many factors that contributed to ending a relationship...we did always split travel costs, though, so that was nice. Current bf came to me first despite some difficult stuff he was dealing with at the time Such a keeper. Yes. In a long-term relationship there MUST be equal effort. I remember a few years back a dev/dis couple I was talking to had the idea that she would do the work (traveling, moving, etc.) because he already had his systems in place. While I sympathized with both, I could see that he was really being pretty lazy in the relationship. He really didn't have any empathy for the amount of effort she was willing to put out to BE with him. For him, he could sit at home and have her do all the major sacrificing. Obviously, that was a pretty extreme case, and equally obviously that relationship crashed and burned. This kind of relationship is HARD. No question. BUT in order for it to work long-term, it must be EQUALLY difficult for both members. When one is willing to sacrifice everything for the other, but that is not reciprocated, long-term there will be HUGE resentments. Those kinds of resentments just never go away.
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Post by sweetequine on Oct 24, 2014 0:36:07 GMT -5
Just b yourself. When it comes to helping, it shouldn't feel awkward. One you are comfortable with each other, he's gonna let you know if he needs help with something I'm sure. That's how it was with me and my ex, a natural progression on trust and ease. But if you see him struggling with something; always asks first of he needs help. I'm sure he'll appreciate the thought. One you spend enough time with each other you kinda know when and what to help with, it just becomes second nature. My ex and I would even sometimes have little funny moments. We had a 5 mins agreement that I'd let him try for 5 mins before stepping in to help. He always finds it funny when he sees me waiting and he'd b like, you're dying to help me aren't you? Lol Exactly. My advice would be to let him know up front that you are happy to help him if he needs it, to just let you know. In my limited experience dating a DA guy, I have found that after a little bit of time together he was comfortable enough to ask for help. However if I see him struggling I offer, or sometimes just step in depending on the situation. I am also an OT, so I feel like I have an advantage of being more comfortable working with someone of his injury level.. It made him more comfortable from the start that I was experienced. The only concern he had initially was if I would be able to switch back into love interest mode after helping with a catheterization. There has never been a problem, despite any other mishaps that may have occurred. another reason to date a dev! Lol.
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Post by sweetequine on Oct 24, 2014 10:18:14 GMT -5
The only concern he had initially was if I would be able to switch back into love interest mode after helping with a catheterization. There has never been a problem, despite any other mishaps that may have occurred. another reason to date a dev! Lol. "Back to love interest mode" after helping with a catheterization? But you didn't ever leave! [br. ;-) I sure didn't! After the first 1 or 2 he was totally comfortable (I think! Lol). It's funny, even the aspects of his care that may send some running didn't phase me. He's still just as sexy as ever to me!
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Post by hanabanana on Oct 28, 2014 12:09:35 GMT -5
I can relate to what you say sweetequine, I'm a PT and I think the fact eases this guy's concerns a bit, which I'm ok with, but yeah I can't help wondering if I'm going to be able to switch from PT to "dating material"........lol. About the helping thing, I've proven myself again that communication is key, so we already talked about it, and he said he will just ask in case of need, and I will do my best to ask first if help is needed. I still can't control the elephants in my stomach, and I don't think I will until we get together....... AlrightyAphrodite, contingency plan is ready, I don't think I will need it, but a plan B always matches a type A personality, I keep repeating myself this is just a first encounter and we will go from there.........past experiences have taught me to stay and enjoy the now, and avoid thinking about the future unless it's worth it. So, It seems that a bunch of us are flying over the following weekends, I hope you all have a great time!!!!! SO SOON
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Post by Emma on Oct 28, 2014 21:44:02 GMT -5
I hope you all report back on your trips!
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lilyth
Junior Member
Posts: 74
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by lilyth on Oct 29, 2014 9:31:58 GMT -5
I hope you all report back on your trips! It's been around 50 days since I saw my boyfriend...10 days straight of devvy goodness coming up as of next week! Time is going so slowly!
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