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Post by hotwheelz on Jan 15, 2014 6:25:03 GMT -5
I've been on dating websites for a while now. I haven't had much success, to be honest. I try not to blame it on the crippledness, but sometimes it's kind of hard to ignore. Like that one time a girl told me I was gross and no one wants to be with a sick person. Or when a really pretty girl on dialisys told me sይ߸she didn't want to date someone sicker than her. More recently, a girl said that she wasn't sure if she was responding to my incredibly thoughtful message (her words, not mine) out interest or pity.
How do you deal with it? How do you sell yourself to someone when all you have to offer is your personality. When dating you will require effort and investment. When nothing in your life will ever be easy. Why would any girl submit herself to that? More importantly, how do you keep your confidence up after rejection like that?
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Post by didi on Jan 15, 2014 6:43:25 GMT -5
I know this question isn´t meant to be answered by us girls, but I just have to say that each and every time I hear that people say stuff like that (not only disability-related) I wonder if they really have no idea how hurtful it can be to the other person. Or do they know it and still decide to say it out loud? Whatever it is, it leaves me speechless.
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Post by hotwheelz on Jan 15, 2014 6:47:54 GMT -5
Actually, I'd love to hear a female/dev perspective. Doesn't have to be here, you can pm it if you want.
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Post by didi on Jan 15, 2014 7:02:54 GMT -5
pm sent. Moral of the story: Love yourself and be yourself! (I almost sound like one of those how-to-turn-your-life-around motivational speakers  ) |
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Post by RollAlongSlowly on Jan 15, 2014 7:39:06 GMT -5
I have no idea what dating websites you're using Hot, but WOW you seem to pick out the wrong women..
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Post by hotwheelz on Jan 15, 2014 7:54:34 GMT -5
A self identified sapiosexual and a girl with kidney failure. Not crazy to think we'd have things in common.
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Post by didi on Jan 15, 2014 7:59:59 GMT -5
Haha - had to google sapiosexual
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Post by RollAlongSlowly on Jan 15, 2014 8:10:59 GMT -5
Haha - had to google sapiosexual Me too!!  |
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Post by didi on Jan 15, 2014 8:20:56 GMT -5
Haha - had to google sapiosexual Me too!! I guess sapiosexuals have now officially excluded us from their dating pool. (Insert sad face...) |
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Post by Maurine on Jan 15, 2014 10:58:03 GMT -5
Maybe it might help to not mention or not be too specific about your disability at first when dating "normal" women so they can get to know and like you without being influenced by the consequences your disability would have on them in a potential relationship. If it turns out that you have common interests and have fun chatting you can tell more about your physical condition but I wouldn't focus on it. For some AB people it's difficult to understand that there is more to a disabled person than his disability. It might take a while for some women to learn that. I think you should try not to present you as the "disabled guy" but as just a normal person with individual interests and character traits. Even if your disability plays a major role in your life, show her that it does not affect your whole personality and interests.
I also think it's extremely important to (pretend to) be self confident about yourself, about your opinions and about your disability. Unsecurity turns many girls off. If you make the impression that you can't deal with your disability, the girl probably won't think she could.
As to that b*** who said that no one wanted to be with a sick person, she's definitely wrong and probably has problems with herself.
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Post by darthoso on Jan 15, 2014 11:29:48 GMT -5
Jesus dude, I thought I had it bad with online dating. Please tell me you told them to go fuck themselves? If not, go do that.
Normally I either don't get replies, or they friendzone me. One girl I meet up with from okcupid told me before we met that my "situation" was a little overwhelming, she swore she wasn't friendzoning me yet though. She turned out to be crazy so I didn't mind in the end.
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Post by janebluelightning on Jan 15, 2014 12:08:30 GMT -5
I had to google sapiosexual as well. And wouldn't you know it comes up as a completed word when I start to type into my phone. I like it. I think I'll borrow it. I'm new here, but I've done some reading. There is a thread going about online dating. There is some interesting and humorous stuff in those posts. Lots of experience from the devs and wheelers. Having done the on line route, I do believe being honest and upfront is the best policy when we are talking about disabilities. Some chicks get it and the ones who don't can carry on as though they're normal. Ultimately a personal introduction by a friend or family has worked best for me. But that's not always possible. So enter the on line world. It's a buffet and women hold the hammer when it comes to picking a guy. All guys be it ab or Pwd are at their mercy. Now, say you are in a relationship but have a desire to have another one on the side. Enter websites like Ashley Madison or CL. Imagine how tough that would be for a disabled guy who has the urge. I would think that women could afford to be very selective in that situation, as it's pretty much a sexual relationship in those instances since they already have a spouse. Btw, I've never dated a woman with a disability. I have been around many through the sports scene. I had friends who dated women in chairs though. I know some guys in chairs hooked up with women in chairs. For me, a para doesn't hold much appeal from a sexual pov. Although I have encounters some who have sex appeal. However the curious person in me would have no problem hooking up with a woman who is a double amp like I am. Yep I admit it. I have wondered what it would be like to have a sexual relationship with a mirror image but in the female form. I'm not sure if that's normal as I don't have anyone to ask who has gone down that route. What was I saying? Oh ya. Be upfront. Be tenatious and be yourself. Who else could you possibly be? Have fun while you are at it and take notes. Be a student of the online dating world. Each communication is like being in a classroom. I keep hoping I'll get double C's  |
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Post by Maurine on Jan 15, 2014 13:30:49 GMT -5
I think it's all about self confidence.
My quadriplegic boyfriend is actually more succesful with women than most of his AB friends. His disability made it more difficult for him to find a partner but he still had girlfriends and sexual encounters with "normal" women (some of them from online dating) after his accident. His AB friends ask him for advice when they try to date women because he has more experience than them.
I think this is due to my boyfriend's self confidence. Sometimes he may be insecure but he doesn't look it. When women see him for the first time, they often think he's weak because they associate wheelchairs with weakness. However as soon as he starts talking he proves them wrong. He's rather talkative and vivacious which allows non-dev women to see beyond his disability.
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zendog
New Member
HAPPY AND SINGLE
Posts: 18 
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by zendog on Jan 15, 2014 13:39:34 GMT -5
Chin up bro,no ones normal !
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2014 14:15:20 GMT -5
Forget the online route and learn to talk to women in person, you'll have a lot more luck.
Online you basically have some paragraphs about you and some pics, but they don't really get across to the other person, you. It's easy to dismiss people that way.
Just to give you an example I recently had to change phone plans so I headed to T-Mobile and the person who ended up helping me was an attractive woman. At first she was a little shocked and kept looking at my attendant instead of me so my awesome attendant just walked away. Now it's just me and her. As we are going through the motions of choosing a phone and plan we're chatting. She likes history and I recommend a good history book she hadn't read. We talk about where we're from, etc... Just small talk but I was able to show confidence and intelligence and humor. When we're all done she writes her number down on a business card 'if I have any problems' and we'll be getting together for a drink soon.
In person it's much, much easier to make the disability secondary to the person if you just have confidence.
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