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Post by Ath on Jul 10, 2014 13:37:48 GMT -5
So what do you guys do to make sure that your partner or date is comfortable with your carers? The natural first reaction to finding out someone has a carer is ofc "I don't want anyone else touching him! BUT..." I think that reaction is less common among devs but it's still difficult.
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tabby
Full Member
Hello PD
Posts: 153
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by tabby on Jul 10, 2014 15:25:25 GMT -5
Sorry for butting in as but I read this thread last night and thought is was so great how open you all are. I would be a mess if I dated someone who required a carer, I am too insecure especially if they looks nice and had a great personality. Also I believe quite a few PWD do end up having affairs with at least one of their carers. On a dull day I bet you couldn't help having a fantasy about them. I would think you would have to be very secure in yourself, trust your partner and feel very treasured by them. I can understand gf not wanting to do the majority of the care and why the bf may not want it either because whenever I have had to help out my SO changes personality completely to an unreasonable grump, and that is putting it politely. He really wants things done the way he want it done and it angry if you don't do it absolutely his way. The situations that he has required me are pretty debasing so I can get why he is so defensive but I don't think if we had to have that dynamic to our relationship 24/7 it would work out. It would be stressful, I would constantly see the not so great personality and think my confidence in myself would take a battering.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 15:50:28 GMT -5
Sorry for butting in as but I read this thread last night and thought is was so great how open you all are. I would be a mess if I dated someone who required a carer, I am too insecure especially if they looks nice and had a great personality. Also I believe quite a few PWD do end up having affairs with at least one of their carers. On a dull day I bet you couldn't help having a fantasy about them. I would think you would have to be very secure in yourself, trust your partner and feel very treasured by them. I can understand gf not wanting to do the majority of the care and why the bf may not want it either because whenever I have had to help out my SO changes personality completely to an unreasonable grump, and that is putting it politely. He really wants things done the way he want it done and it angry if you don't do it absolutely his way. The situations that he has required me are pretty debasing so I can get why he is so defensive but I don't think if we had to have that dynamic to our relationship 24/7 it would work out. It would be stressful, I would constantly see the not so great personality and think my confidence in myself would take a battering. Luckily, I've had the same skinny African man for a home health aide for the past few years. No fantasies there, trust me. I often think that the fact that I have to have him come in every morning will keep me from ever having a healthy, long lasting relationship. It is rather intrusive but it is my life. I HAVE to deal with it but I can see it being too much for a SO. I'm quite sure that was part of what drove my ex-gf away. I live with my brother and he helps me into bed every night except when he's out of town or something, then it's my regular aide. It only takes a few minutes to do but I can see that being too much, as well. In fact, my ex actually told me that was part of her issue with being with me and she was a dev. What can one say to that? I can't tell someone else what is or isn't a big deal to them. So, as much as I would love to meet someone, I'm reluctant. I've had several serious relationships since my injury and they haven't worked out so far. I can't pretend that it didn't have something to do with my physical situation. Sometimes it just sucks to be a quad.
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Post by Pony on Jul 10, 2014 16:39:05 GMT -5
I used to feel that guilt thang, but I don't anymore...i just ask, but keep it to a real minimum. Also, it really depends who i'm asking. My one friend isn't easy to ask, my new roommate very easy.
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Post by Maurine on Jul 11, 2014 3:21:46 GMT -5
Sorry for butting in as but I read this thread last night and thought is was so great how open you all are. I would be a mess if I dated someone who required a carer, I am too insecure especially if they looks nice and had a great personality. Also I believe quite a few PWD do end up having affairs with at least one of their carers. On a dull day I bet you couldn't help having a fantasy about them. I would think you would have to be very secure in yourself, trust your partner and feel very treasured by them. I can understand gf not wanting to do the majority of the care and why the bf may not want it either because whenever I have had to help out my SO changes personality completely to an unreasonable grump, and that is putting it politely. He really wants things done the way he want it done and it angry if you don't do it absolutely his way. The situations that he has required me are pretty debasing so I can get why he is so defensive but I don't think if we had to have that dynamic to our relationship 24/7 it would work out. It would be stressful, I would constantly see the not so great personality and think my confidence in myself would take a battering. Luckily, I've had the same skinny African man for a home health aide for the past few years. No fantasies there, trust me. I often think that the fact that I have to have him come in every morning will keep me from ever having a healthy, long lasting relationship. It is rather intrusive but it is my life. I HAVE to deal with it but I can see it being too much for a SO. I'm quite sure that was part of what drove my ex-gf away. I live with my brother and he helps me into bed every night except when he's out of town or something, then it's my regular aide. It only takes a few minutes to do but I can see that being too much, as well. In fact, my ex actually told me that was part of her issue with being with me and she was a dev. What can one say to that? I can't tell someone else what is or isn't a big deal to them. So, as much as I would love to meet someone, I'm reluctant. I've had several serious relationships since my injury and they haven't worked out so far. I can't pretend that it didn't have something to do with my physical situation. Sometimes it just sucks to be a quad. If it doesn't take that long, would you allow your gf to help with the care? Did your ex ever offer this? I must admit that this is the main thing of the very, very few things that bother me about relationships with (more severely) disabled men. Even though it takes little time to get my bf out of and to bed, I can't say that I like the fact that he has carers come for this when I'm away. Even when they call to ask if he needs them that evening, I get a little annoyed. I don't know exactly where my negative feelings come from. I'm not jealous. (I might be if it was the same young attractive female everyday, but that's not the point). I think my main problem is that I sense patronising behaviour from the carers everywhere. I know well that my bf is the very last person who would let anyone patronise him, but still... I've hated patronising behaviour since my early childhood. I hate how the carers do things for him he can do on his own. I also don't like that he depends on them. It's great that he lets me do the carers' work. It's not much and I don't feel like a carer at all when doing it, because I do it more intimately and combine it with sex. But we agree in that we'll always need a backup carer in case I'm not there or seriously ill. I really don't know what exactly my problem with carers is and I feel like other women would have less issues. That's all not to talk about how unreliable and unprofessional and thus disrespectful some of them and the whole system have proven to be. I'll say for the hundredth time that I don't know what bothers me so much, just that it does turn me off and that I wouldn't have these issues if there were care robots.
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Post by jrm on Jul 11, 2014 17:21:07 GMT -5
I've been thinking about this. I'm not sure that I can get my thoughts about wanting to provide the care across in a coherent manner, but I'm going to try again.
First, it depends on the stage of the relationship. If we're just dating, I wouldn't expect to do my partner's care. I WOULD expect the caregivers to clear out of the way as much as possible. Trying to get to know someone is difficult enough without having a third person around all of the time. If this meant that I would have to provide some assistance to the guy ... fine.
When it becomes more important is when the relationship becomes more serious...when we're spending a lot of nights together. I want to go to bed with my partner when WE want to, not when a caregiver is scheduled. I want to sleep with him without worrying about how I'm dressed (or IF I'm dressed) when the care giver shows up in the morning. I want to shower with my man.
I've been in this situation in the past, so I realize how much work it can be, and that it's not all fun and games. I've dealt with catheters and bags of urine. When the guy I was dating had an upset stomach and shit himself, I cleaned him up (and his clothes, his chair, etc.). Fun? No. But, I'll gladly deal with this stuff in order to have privacy with my man.
I do recognize the need to have backup caregivers available. And I do realize that there are situations where it might be impossible for me to provide all of a partner's care. One couple I know compromised by having caregivers come in during the week to ease the work load on the wife, but not having them on the weekends so they could have some privacy. Perfect? No. But, there are ways to work these things out.
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Kenshin
New Member
SMA Type 2
Posts: 29
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by Kenshin on Jul 13, 2014 21:15:52 GMT -5
I've been in this situation in the past, so I realize how much work it can be, and that it's not all fun and games. I've dealt with catheters and bags of urine. When the guy I was dating had an upset stomach and shit himself, I cleaned him up (and his clothes, his chair, etc.). Fun? No. But, I'll gladly deal with this stuff in order to have privacy with my man. that is really an admirable thing you did spousal caregivers may often feel so much stress since they also live with the person they are caring for, which may not provide for any breaks physically or emotionally. it is important that, as a caregiver of yr SO, you don't assume you can handle everything, and be open for respite if necessary
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timhoward
New Member
Posts: 33
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by timhoward on Jul 13, 2014 21:24:09 GMT -5
It's not admirable to help out the people you love. A lot of people consider calling spouses/romantic partners "admirable" insulting.
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Post by Emma on Jul 14, 2014 0:11:06 GMT -5
As a wife/caregiver I get compensated by the military because my husband was injured in combat. I don't do a lot but it does add up especially with two young kids at home who have needs and demand attention. The US government puts a monetary value on that type of caregiving. I think any wife or live in girlfriend should get the same monetary compensation.
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Post by happyface2013 on Aug 22, 2014 14:12:47 GMT -5
Ath - The way I would do it is to introduce them to each slowly. Also I would talk to each person beforehand explaining how things were to operate.
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Post by rebel6842 on Aug 26, 2014 23:45:42 GMT -5
Ok-I've been giving this one some thought, and this is more of a synthesis of thoughts than an actual experienced opinion. Everyone here will be on a sliding scale of experience of what I'm writing:
Jealousy-It's just the nature of the beast that MOST CNA's/PCA's will be young, reasonably attractive females. To the ladies that have jealousy twinges, perhaps you should investigate having them over "off the clock"-that way all parties can get to know each other on a friendlier level. We all have a tendency to fear what we don't understand.
Privacy-Yep, this is a big one. I would HOPE that the agencies involved respect your wishes for privacy, or at the very least know when to show up, STFU, and get out.
It's not "brave", "admirable", or anything else to take care of your wheeler when things happen/you want to-it's taking care of the person that you love. Got it?
Wheelers, listen up: If your dev is a bit more "helper-averse", and y'all want privacy-make sure that your "big stuff" (whatever that entails) is out of the way beforehand.
Most importantly, though-I believe both sides need to swallow their pride, and not worry so much what the other one will think. We're all here for a reason, we need each other to be happy, but it's inevitable that things come up. Don't be afraid to cross that bridge.
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Post by mealsonwheels on Oct 4, 2014 11:28:43 GMT -5
I know I would want to keep the two as separate as possible. I wouldn't want it to become an obligation for my gf. That said, if she was willing, I wouldn't be opposed to letting her do some cares if it provided us greater freedom to do stuff during the day, or if it gave us more opportunities for sexy fun time at night. I of course would not expect her to handle hiring/firing/scheduling.
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lilyth
Junior Member
Posts: 74
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by lilyth on Oct 6, 2014 22:54:52 GMT -5
Seems like a lot of guys don't want their SO doing too much - and personally, I have dated a guy in the past who needed a lot of help, and I neither loved it nor hated it (I don't particularly "get off" on the helping, but I do like to help! So there you go.) But here are two good reasons to let your girlfriend/boyfriend do some of it if she/he wants to:
1. You can travel together and otherwise go on adventures you couldn't if you solely rely on PCAs or family members. My ex and I actually did some international travel together, and we would not have wanted someone else tagging along. It was our adventure! And it was amazing!
2. There's something really special about being one of the only non-hired people in your life who is allowed/trusted/"good at" you, and everything that comes with you. The teamwork aspect of dating someone very reliant on me was a big part of what made us "us" - we were a unit and we were AWESOME. That was what I liked. Personally, I feel like letting me help with the most intimate things brought us closer together. He was "good at" me in his own ways, too.
Of course, sex is another one I think comes to mind pretty easily.
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Post by darthoso on Oct 7, 2014 2:37:29 GMT -5
Seems like a lot of guys don't want their SO doing too much - and personally, I have dated a guy in the past who needed a lot of help, and I neither loved it nor hated it (I don't particularly "get off" on the helping, but I do like to help! So there you go.) But here are two good reasons to let your girlfriend/boyfriend do some of it if she/he wants to: 1. You can travel together and otherwise go on adventures you couldn't if you solely rely on PCAs or family members. My ex and I actually did some international travel together, and we would not have wanted someone else tagging along. It was our adventure! And it was amazing! 2. There's something really special about being one of the only non-hired people in your life who is allowed/trusted/"good at" you, and everything that comes with you. The teamwork aspect of dating someone very reliant on me was a big part of what made us "us" - we were a unit and we were AWESOME. That was what I liked. Personally, I feel like letting me help with the most intimate things brought us closer together. He was "good at" me in his own ways, too. Of course, sex is another one I think comes to mind pretty easily. I'm not opposed to any of that, in fact being in "employer" mode 24/7 is really draining. Having hired people, even those you'd consider to be close friends anyway, can be taxing since I'm constantly trying to balance their workload/their free time. When I'm with just friends who I trust to help me, I'm considerably more relaxed since I know my friends don't feel contractual obligated to help me and their in the situation because they want to be. Whereas an employee is obliged to help you every time, which creates burn out. That being said I would never shift that obligation onto an SO for any regular basis. I'd rather deal with the stress than shift it onto an SO. This also gets into a touchy issue: there can only be one boss. I've been in situations where my PAs have felt like they've had multiple bosses, it doesn't work. So that's something that would need to be crystal clear to everyone, I'm in charge of my own care. A SO can not order around my PA, nor can my PA rely on my SO as backup. Client PA relationships are a 1v1 deal, 2v1 gets messy really fast. That said if my SO has an issue with the PA, bring it to me and I'll fix it. Don't go to the PA directly.
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Post by Maurine on Oct 7, 2014 11:52:06 GMT -5
It's definitely stupid to have your partner hire and instruct your PAs. If my partner expected that of me, I'd get the impression that he didn't have his shit together. If I lived with my partner, we would hire someone to help with cleaning and washing. This person would not only be there because my partner can't really do these things, but also because I would lack the time to do all the household for both of us and maybe our kids on top of my work. So this person would not be a PA, we'd both pay him/her and both be his/her boss.
As for who does the PA tasks, especially the care, I think each couple has to find a way they are both comfortable with. There may not always be a solution that both parties are fully happy with. It seems that on this board, most of the women would prefer to voluntarily be involved in the care to keep their privacy, whereas most of the men don't like to be so dependent on their partner. I understand both views. I don't know if I'd be able to feel at home with PAs around 24/7. There are women who are more sociable and extroverted and need less private space, so that could work for them. From what I've seen and heard, even the most diligent carers and employees don't do their work as good as if it was for their family members or themselves. They make little mistakes that are hard to spot or blame on a specific person. On the other hand, I don't know if I'd like to rely on my partner to get to and out of bed, even if he helped voluntarily. I would need to make sure that we both feel equally dependent on each other, emotionally or otherwise.
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