For the wheelers: Ever feel like a burden with your friends?

[Deleted]

I have a really great group of friends who I love spending time with, and I'm pretty sure they like me too

My usual Saturday nights are spent in Tempe, starting at the vape shop and hitting the surrounding bars. I either go in my power chair using public transportation to get there and then driving my chair home because the buses stop obscenely early, or my buddy gives me a ride and I use my manual chair. Last night my buddy who usually drives was MIA and it was just too damn hot (100+) to be waiting around for buses and then driving 2.5 miles home.

A newish friend in our group (Joe) really wanted me to come out so he came to pick me up. As it turns out my chair will not fit in his little roadster so I go back inside a little bummed. A little while later he texts me and says another friend (Rob) can get me. I say sure. A little while later both Rob and Joe show up. Turns out Rob has a fucked up back so he can't get me in or out of his car. Joe loads me up and Rob drives us to fun. A good time is had then Joe says "I'm going home, bye" and takes off, knowing full well Rob can't do it alone. I start to panic a little bit but my friends being the great people they are work it out and I get home. We're all pissed at Joe, another guy had to follow us home and help Rob.

Of course they reassure me everything is cool, this is Joe's fault, and it is but there is that nagging thought in the back of my mind that I'm a burden. It's not rational, and I don't really think it's true but it is there.

So I was wondering if you guys ever feel the same sometimes, no matter how unrealistic it is?

[Deleted]

Don't get me wrong tykes, I don't actually feel this way, ever. It's more like a in the moment nagging thought in the back of your mind kind of thing. I know I'm not a burden, I know my friends don't think I'm a burden.

[Corey]

Yea, sometimes. Usually it happens after having a bad night where multiple things go wrong, like what happened to you. It sounds like you have a system that works (where you are no burden at all) 99% of the time , so I wouldnt worry about it. Everyone has bad nights.

[Q]

Man I've felt like that before. A very similar scenario actually. Back in the day my friend would pick me up with the penis mobile (his tan mini van.) we would use two 2 by 6's and a sheet of plywood as a make shift ramp. On this occasion one of the 2 by 6's snapped as I was driving in his van. I got in okay but then we had to figure out how to get out without a ramp. We had to make a special trip to go get a board from another friend. It happened once when I used the make shift ramp to get into a friends house and I fell and smashed my foot. My boy caught me on the way down. I currently have transportation so I don't typically feel that way.

Not that my friends ever made me feel like a burden. I just never liked putting extra work on anybody. My boys always have my back.

It sounds like your friends really care about you so I'm sure it wasn't a burden at all. I empathize with how you feel though.

[timhoward]

It helps me when I remind myself that no one is forcing my friends to be there. If they still want to hang out with me, how could I be that much of a burden?

[Emma]

What I'm wondering is why you or one of your friends didn't speak up when "Joe" was leaving and say something like " hey can you stick around a bit to go with Rob and drop James off". I get that it could have been weird for you to say but if no one does he may just have forgotten or not realized that you needed his help.

[darthoso]

Usually for its friends being uncomfortable leaving me alone without my PA around. Which is nice of them but at the same time frustrating because I know they want/need to head out. I would have been 100% fine but they still wouldn't leave me.

An example of this was in college when my PA had a date one night, her and I agreed that she'd drop be off at the bar where our friends were meeting up and she'd go wherever to have dinner with the guy. This was standard procedure if we had different stuff to do, I get dropped off, she goes off wherever. That evening it got to be about 10pm and my friends were thinning out but Will stayed around. Eventually another friend (new to the group) showed up randomly so it was fine, but even then Will kept commenting about when my PA would be back (we were all friends, its how I met my PA) saying he was getting tired. I texted my PA but got no replies (we therefore assumed she was kidnapped since the dude was from OKC). I told Will I was fine, the new guy was drinking with me, Will stayed though saying it was fine. Eventually my PA showed up and she I saw her thank Will for not ditching me and he said it was no problem.

Another minor example: I was in the library studying with 2 friends (PA was at the gym). I had a pair of sunglasses I needed to return to an international student that left them at my parents' house after a party. I texted her about meeting up and she invited me to get coffee with her and 3 others. I said I'd meet them at the place on campus. I told the 2 guys I was with I'd be back (they didn't want to go). One of them, Al, insisted that the girl meet me here otherwise he was going to walk down there with me (I could have made it on my own most likely but I didn't want to fight him). Al used to volunteer at a special needs orphanage in Syria so he was very protective. We were in a random study room so I told Em to meet me in the lobby. Al then walked me out to the lobby to make sure she was there. Since Em was from Sweden and Al from Syria, they both spoke French, he told her to make sure I get back okay (I Google translated it later). Em was one of the sweetest girls on earth so she didn't care.

[hotwheels77]

I think sometimes we dwell on being independent so much. That we forget that it's okay to be codependent sometimes. Even able-bodied people have their moments where they need to ask for help.

[Sir Paul]

I wouldn't go as far as calling myself a burden, but I'm sure that there are times when my friends would rather not deal with my needs. There's a reason why you have the friends that you do. They like you. Or maybe you give them money

[Deleted]

Jul 14, 2014 9:48:11 GMT -5 hotwheels77 said:

I think sometimes we dwell on being independent so much. That we forget that it's okay to be codependent sometimes. Even able-bodied people have their moments where they need to ask for help.

love this <3

[hotwheels77]

Sometimes friends make it a bigger deal if you can't do something that they're doing they feel like they're leaving you out or that your feelings are hurt.

[hotwheels77]

Thanks kaylee! I've learned to become more codependent with people in a positive way. It's definitely improved my relationships with people!

[Pony]

Yah, we can be a burden sometimes, but sometimes ABs can be burden, too. I drive, so sometimes I give rides to a buddy with a bike, or drunk buddies. The day of World Cup I ran into sloppy-drunk buddy. He spilt some beer on me, slap me on back too hard, and i still gave him a ride...but i do hate when he's drunk like that, which is pretty often now.

[carmitch1975]

I, sometimes, I feel like a burden. Not often, but it does happen. In my case, it came from how I was raised.

I'm very independent that, when I do need help, it startles my friends, esp. if it's their first time helping me in that task.

I did have a situation recently where I felt like a burden and that may have caused my friends to step back from me.

I went on a trip to Moab, Utah, a town in between 2 national parks. From the beginning, the couple I went with were surprised on how much extra work was required for me to go with them. Booking an accessible hotel room was no easy task for them. (It's easy for me to do, as I've done it for years.) I could tell they were getting overwhelmed already.

When we got to Arches National Park, one of them had all these plans for us,...only to find out we couldn't do most of them, due to natural inaccessibility. (He forgot that nature doesn't abide by the ADA.) I could see that they were disappointed that they couldn't do as they wanted because of me.

I think their final straw was when I had to use the restroom. Even though the park had an accessible family restroom, I needed assistance in cleaning up after a certain thing, due to the way the restroom was set up.

[mikefatty]

Jul 14, 2014 0:18:01 GMT -5 Emma said:

What I'm wondering is why you or one of your friends didn't speak up when "Joe" was leaving and say something like " hey can you stick around a bit to go with Rob and drop James off". I get that it could have been weird for you to say but if no one does he may just have forgotten or not realized that you needed his help.

This wouldnhappen to me often lol. I seem so normal to my friends that when it comes time to get in the car. Ill get in they thell get in. And im like. Uhh i think you forgot something. And thell be like OOOHHH. Lol right. I need to put the chair in the trunk. Forgot about that. Lol. Weather im driving or someone else is driving. It happens quite often. Even with friends ive had for a long time.