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Post by Maurine on Nov 9, 2014 16:42:24 GMT -5
Also, consider this from an activist standpoint. What if it was okay for you to get through school without passing grades, because you are a girl? I mean, after all, you are historically at a disadvantage in maths and sciences… so why should your teachers expect the same performance? Silly? Yes. But saying he doesn't have to be fully adult because he’s disabled… is actually discriminatory, in my opinion. Just had to say I love this part - not only as a woman in one of these fields. In my opinion, expecting less of someone who is disabled (or whatever) is at least as condescending and insulting as active, purpuseful discrimination. (Obviously, I'm not talking about physically impossible things, but rather strength of character and mind and anything unrelated to physical aspects.) There may be wheelers (respectively women in science) who feed this kind of discrimination, but I consider their behaviour unfair in respect to those who do not want to be admired for having their shit together (respectively unspectacular achievements in science).
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Nov 9, 2014 16:56:24 GMT -5
From the times I've seen it... often it IS a long process.
A long process to realize/admit/acknowledge that it's abuse.
A long process to extricate yourself from the situation.
A long process to begin to recover from the damage to your self esteem (and physical damage, sometimes).
Fortunately, you kinda ARE physically extracted from the situation...
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Post by Emma on Nov 10, 2014 0:36:13 GMT -5
I just want some input about how much is okay to take and what is just too much. And is it wrong to expect little less because you get already so much just by watching him and having him? And how bad is it, if you know you are with him partly because of his disability cause the truth is you can't really separate it from him. Let's put it this way: there is something in him that makes me want to be with him DA or AB. It's just that if being AB I would expect more and I would not take all this shit. So should I just expect the same now and make him work more than I do to be even (the reality is that it's harder for him visit me than I visit him and so on..) or do I just understand some but make sure that he also treats me well from this day forward? And if not - then leave him instantly. Cause I've had enough of shit already. *EDIT* Sorry I'm late I just read the posts above mine. I'm not as direct as Lucretia but I think I'm saying similar things in my own way. Okay now that you break it down like that....... I don't think you should expect less from him because of his disability. Non-dev women are physically attracted to their guys right. Do they cut them slack because they are hot? Yeah sure plenty do but is that right? I did once say to an AB guy I was dating "you are lucky you are so hot" in response to him saying something I didn't like, but ultimately I ended it with him. Him being hot didn't make up for his shortcomings. It's the same with the guys us devs like. So what I'm confused about is why do you expect less from him because he is disabled. It doesn't sound like that stuff you expect less from him has anything to do with his disability. Sue you shouldn't expect him to go rock climbing with you or even expect him to wash your car but you should expect him to treat you right, to allow you to parent your kid the way you see is right and shut up when you are vacuuming. I think you should expect the same from him as an AB except for some physical stuff. I'm sure you know what he can and can't do. Start with that. If this dude washes his own car I think you can have a high threshold for what he can and can't do. And yes, please make sure that he treat's you well. Doing that has nothing to do with his disability so why cut him slack for that??? Also what are you talking about with visiting? Do you no longer live in the same city? Maybe I missed it but have you told him you are a dev and that you are into his disability?
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Post by Emma on Nov 10, 2014 16:40:55 GMT -5
It sounds like you are getting too nit picky about the details. The thing about relationships are that nothing can ever be totally equal. I think you two need to come up with some guidelines about the stuff you are frustrated with like visiting and cleaning but I think in general women do more cleaning than men regardless of disability. Before we had kids my husband and I came up with some general rules for house cleaning that allowed me to take care of the things that are tough for him but still made me feel like we were splitting up household chores.
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Post by eva on Nov 11, 2014 6:45:02 GMT -5
All this is important because daily life is also made of many details, but I’m not sure this is the main issue. Of course, some things are going to be harder for him, and you’re going to have to do them. But there’s a line between sympathy and being abused that must not be crossed. Like Inigo said, it’s a long process but you’re on the path.
One other thing : you seem like a very empathic woman, WP, and always ready to jump in to help. But could he resent you deep down inside for doing this? Could he feel you’re not giving him enough space to even try to overcome some obstacles because you know he just can’t do it (like some kind of lack of respect)? This can be subtle but do you get what I’m saying? He already seems to have some self-esteem issues and, if things are not discussed in the open, some perceptions can become quite distorted. If this was the case (and I really don’t know), he could be acting like kids do when they’re pushing you to the limit to test you. By saying this, I am in no way condoning his behaviour, because he’s a grown-up man and what he does is unacceptable. But since you seem to still be hesitating regarding this relationship, maybe it’s best to explore all the aspects that you could still try to resolve.
As for telling him you’re a dev, it did have the most wonderful impact on Ivy’s boyfriend. You could always try, but your relationship is a bit strained right now… how would he take it?
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tina
Junior Member
Posts: 94
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by tina on Nov 11, 2014 14:37:02 GMT -5
I totally agree about not telling him that you are a dev. This guy believes it is ok to hurt you, on purpose. You and your feelings are not safe with him and it would be insane to give him intimate knowledge about yourself that he will absolutely use against you when he has his next fit.
The questions about how much you should do/ how much he can reasonably expect you to do is a hard question and I think it really depends on the circumstances. If I am happy in a relationship, I am totally willing to do more if my partner has a hard time health-wise or is stressed out in his job. I`m also willing to pay more then my half of the househould expenses if I can afford it while he is struggling financially.
However, in your case, I don`t think that is really your problem. Because the one thing no one should NEVER compromise on is to be treated respectfully!! And you should never, ever tolerate (verbal) abuse. The way you describe him, he will always find a reason to yell at you and accuse you of being a bad girlfriend, even if you do all his laundry and all his cleening/ cooking!! It is not possible to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with someone who hurts you on purpose when he feels like it. Not even with your dream wheeler. The greatest sex is not worth the damage this does to your self-esteem and happiness. In know the solution sounds so easy - he "just" needs to accept your boundaries and stop yelling hurtful things at you - but that is impossible to archieve with someone who truly believes it is ok to be cruel to your partner. It would probably be easier to improve the situation if his verbal fits were caused by a lack of control when angry or tired.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2014 11:10:22 GMT -5
There is one more detail that jumps out at me, something minor, but perhaps it's a good indicator of the state of your relationship. The fact that you can not agree together on the cleaning. First, where is the give and take? Even though cleaning is by far fun or glamorous it doesn't have to be so bad. And if you're already enjoying each other's company shouldn't you both be happy enough to pick up a few extra duties from time to time. Maybe it is faster and easier for you, so you end up doing it most of the time, but that doesn't mean he can never step up and take over. Because if you're fighting about cleaning and you don't even see each other that much, are you really happy when you're together? And if the give and take is not happening, you should be able to make things black and white and divide the duties into what seems fair for you both. Then there will be no reason for him to make comments or you to feel like it's all you. If you do decide to do the majority of the cleaning (which you should volunteer to do, not be told), what is he doing during this time? Is he with you, still spending time with you, maybe striking up a conversation? Or maybe spending time playing with both your children? Or is he in the other room, alone, watching TV, or maybe he's out with his friends while you clean? I think that answer speaks volumes too. I think it's great your figuring everything out by yourself first before talking to him. Good luck!
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whisperingpines
Junior Member
Posts: 84
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by whisperingpines on Nov 15, 2014 9:44:07 GMT -5
I have been thinking. And I think I do need to stop loving him. He's not good for me, or at least right now he's not. A lot needs to change and I don't think that will happen.
I'm gonna delete some of my posts from here at some point, so that if someone he knows finds this place they wont be able to recognize us.
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Nov 15, 2014 10:13:52 GMT -5
When you delete them, save them in a word file in case you need to remind yourself. And you don't have to make yourself not love him. You just have to realize that, sometimes, love is not enough. And that loving someone doesn't mean you have to be with them in a romantic relationship. The human heart is HUGE and capable of holding many loves. Here is the article I wanted to link here (but couldn't do from my phone) I'm going to post it in General for discussion but I'm not going to mention this thread. Love is Not Enough
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Post by Clair deLune on Nov 20, 2014 15:05:23 GMT -5
That's a fascinating article, Lucretia. I've been in my relationship for thirteen years now and we've gone through our share of rough and smooth patches, and how we treat each other/respond to each other when things are rough vs. smooth corresponds pretty directly to this article, ie we ignore each other's 'bids' for attention when things are rough (which makes things rougher) and are attentive when things are smooth (which mades difficult times easier to deal with)
So I guess, when it comes to the original question of how big of a part does disability play in a relationship, the answer seems to be 'not very.' It's the physical attraction, and that's about it. Everything else is about how you treat each other, and disability has nothing to do with that.
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whisperingpines
Junior Member
Posts: 84
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by whisperingpines on Nov 21, 2014 13:51:52 GMT -5
Extremely good articles, both of them. Thank you.
It's hard, but I'm getting there... the first article was like the check-list of my life.
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