Hurtful comments...to tell or not to tell?

[vegmama]

(I searched the board and wasn't able to find anything like this, but I apologize if this has been discussed before.)

I wanted to expand a bit on Pacman's thread about hurtful/insensitive comments and actually seek some opinions/advice.

So, I get the downright hurtful comments. And truth be told, they are coming from my mom. She and I are pretty close, but she can be very close-minded and judgmental. When she makes her negative comments and I call her out on them, she claims it's out of concern for me. She is worried about me and my son, scared for me, wants me to happy, etc. The thing is, if it were simply concerned comments, I'd be less angry. But the stuff she says is more than that...it's unnecessary and hurtful.

When it happens, I try to shake it off. But it weighs on me, especially our most recent spat. It's in these moments that I feel so alone and wish I could vent to someone. Up until recently I hadn't been telling Will about the nasty things she's said. Part of me didn't think I should because I didn't want to hurt him...I didn't want to upset him just to get it off my chest. But another part of me felt guilty, that I wasn't being honest with him.

I ended up telling him though, because he knew something was wrong and I didn't want to lie. He says I should've told him all along and that as much as what she said is hurtful, he can take it. But I still feel bad.

Ok, here comes my question...

Devs - do you tell your significant other when you get hurtful comments?

Guys - would you want to know?

(Sorry for the lengthy thread!)

[tabby]

Oh wow this is a tricky one. For me my parents were very scathing of my pwd boyfriend (now husband). They said I would be taking on too much, that he wouldn't live long because of his disability, that he would rely on me for everything and questioned if my fascination came from me wanting to be in a wheelchair myself. I told my partner as I was very hurt and wanted to talk it through but.... although he was glad of my honesty I wish I hadn't talked to him about it. Because.... he will never forget the hurtful things that they said. All their concerns were unfounded and my parents love my hubby and think that he is the best thing to happen to me. I know my husband is friendly with them but I think what was said in the beginning, before they'd even met him, still sits in the way and doesn't completely trust them.

Now what I think I should have done was to talk it out with them. Realise that it was a new thing for them to get their heads around. I think I was unfair to both my parents for breaking their confidence and to my husband for telling him something that was only fleeting and shouldn't have carried so much weight. You just wait for an argument and it comes up 'your parents don't like me, they thought I wasn't good enough for you etc.'

I wonder if your mother has had a chance to meet him, really get to know him and time to see the effects he has on you then if she is just being hurtful and mean just for the sake of your life not following the one she imagined for you - then you have something to talk to your bf about.

[rebel6842]

I'm assuming the hurtful comments are directed towards him, correct? I'd want to know-as far as you being honest-at least you're telling him NOW...

How long have you two been together? It might be time for a "I'm not going anywhere" meeting between him and your mom...

[PacMan]

Jan 26, 2015 14:40:19 GMT -5 vegmama said:

(I searched the board and wasn't able to find anything like this, but I apologize if this has been discussed before.)

I wanted to expand a bit on Pacman's thread about hurtful/insensitive comments and actually seek some opinions/advice.

So, I get the downright hurtful comments. And truth be told, they are coming from my mom. She and I are pretty close, but she can be very close-minded and judgmental. When she makes her negative comments and I call her out on them, she claims it's out of concern for me. She is worried about me and my son, scared for me, wants me to happy, etc. The thing is, if it were simply concerned comments, I'd be less angry. But the stuff she says is more than that...it's unnecessary and hurtful.

When it happens, I try to shake it off. But it weighs on me, especially our most recent spat. It's in these moments that I feel so alone and wish I could vent to someone. Up until recently I hadn't been telling Will about the nasty things she's said. Part of me didn't think I should because I didn't want to hurt him...I didn't want to upset him just to get it off my chest. But another part of me felt guilty, that I wasn't being honest with him.

I ended up telling him though, because he knew something was wrong and I didn't want to lie. He says I should've told him all along and that as much as what she said is hurtful, he can take it. But I still feel bad.

Ok, here comes my question...

Devs - do you tell your significant other when you get hurtful comments?

Guys - would you want to know?

(Sorry for the lengthy thread!)

vegmama does your mother actually ever say anything insensitive directly to your boyfriend’s face or is it all behind his back but directly to you?

[vegmama]

tabby & rebel6842 - She has met him through video Skype, but not in person yet. We have known each other 9 months and have been dating 5 months...all long distance so far. My hope is that when he moves here and she gets to see how happy we are together and that his disability isn't this big, scary deal that she makes it out to be, that it will get better.

rebel6842 - well, yes, they are directed towards him.  But she had some "lovely" things to say about me when I came out to her as a dev too.

PacMan - no, she doesn't say it to him, she wouldn't do that. It's only to me.

[matisse]

I'd want to know, not just for myself but also because I know my wife would want to talk about it.

It's too bad this is your Mom, b/c you can't just cut her out. She's clearly been called out not just by you but by others, so she has developed pat responses like the one she gave you. She probably has other excuses for rudeness like "I'm just being honest" or "I don't mean to offend but...."

[PacMan]

Jan 26, 2015 15:22:35 GMT -5 vegmama said:

tabby & rebel6842 - She has met him through video Skype, but not in person yet. We have known each other 9 months and have been dating 5 months...all long distance so far. My hope is that when he moves here and she gets to see how happy we are together and that his disability isn't this big, scary deal that she makes it out to be, that it will get better.

rebel6842 - well, yes, they are directed towards him.  But she had some "lovely" things to say about me when I came out to her as a dev too.

PacMan - no, she doesn't say it to him, she wouldn't do that. It's only to me.

Personally speaking vegmama I’d want to know and I’d HOPE I didn’t take it too personally. See what I’m thinking is vegmama your mother probably comes from a different generation when people with disabilities were seen and not heard.

I actually don’t believe she is saying these things to you to hurt you I genuinely believe from what you’re saying she does care for you, she thinks she’s doing and saying the right thing and she thinks that entering into a relationship with a disabled person could be a massive commitment. I’m not saying what she’s doing and has said is right far from it I’m just saying if it was me I’d try to keep in mind she probably doesn’t have much experience in meeting or being around young disabled people with a positive outlooks on life.

Perhaps when she finally meets your boyfriend in person over time she’ll see past his disability and see the real person and see just how happy you guys are together and that you’re not going to be his nurse.

Hope things work out for you both.

[vegmama]

matisse - oh yeah. When I fire back/defend him, it's: "I'm not being negative." Or "I'm not bashing him." Umm, yeah, you are.

Like I said, I can understand concern or questions, it's new and different. When my sister or friends ask questions, they are genuinely curious. But when my mom asks, it's in such a condescending tone...she maybe is genuinely curious too, but she comes across so negatively.

[LaMara]

vegmama what you are describing is one of my biggest fears for the future.
My dad is by nature pretty judgmental and close minded, but also, since he had to take care for years of a severely disabled and sick person, he now thinks I should find a guy who is absolutely in perfect physical conditions because he's terrified I might have to go through the same horrible thing he had to go through.
Also, all my family likes to play a sport called "let's put down LaMara and criticize everything she does".
While I was dating my one and only pwd boyfriend, I mentioned his existence only to one of my aunties... she started off with a usual "the important thing is being happy, and that you love him" but soon started listing all the problems my bf's disability might cause.
I don't know if I'd be able to take the whole family humiliation treatment, I'd have to be pretty sure of a relationship before I risk exposing my SO to my family... and I'd definitely tell him about eventual nasty comments, because I'd need his help and support not to freak out...

[vegmama]

PacMan - you're partially correct. She is sincerely concerned and doesn't understand it all. And I get that. We've had conversations about actual concerns and even if I get annoyed at having to hear it over and over, I understand that she's my mom and wants the best for me. So I try to be patient.

Where it crosses the line is, for example: When we were talking about the move, and I said that Will's mom was excited and couldn't wait to meet my family. She responds with, "Well of course SHE'S happy...she's getting the better end of the deal here." Implying both that his mom no longer has to take care of Will because I'll be doing it and that his family gets me, and my family gets him. There is nothing constructive about such a nasty remark.
And there have been other digs like that.

Contrary to what it sounds like...she is not evil. Just ignorant. And I keep that in mind.

[Deleted]

I don't put up with blatant assholery, but I'm pretty understanding to certain trains of thought and why someone might have those thoughts. I also understand that some people are just ignorant, and I wouldn't hold that against them, assuming they changed their opinion once they learned more about the situation. That being said, some people and their "comments" are toxic to a relationship, and I would want to be told so that we could talk about it.

[Deleted]

I am sorry vegmama that you are going through this and I can't speak from experience of being in a relationship with a PWD but my mother is like yours in always "worrying about me" and only "wanting the best for me" and I hate it, because it is suffocating me...it has caused us to have terrible fights with screaming and tears in the past and it also has caused me to not tell my mom much anymore about anything...which I struggle with, because she really doesn't know me and who I am now, (I hope and pray I will not be like this with my children)....I can't even imagine having to go through what you are going through and I hope that somehow she will come to accept your new life and relationship and be happy for you and if it means some time apart then so be it...I know it is a difficult situation...

[vegmama]

LaMara - Wow, our families must have crossed paths somewhere in the past, because mine likes that to play that game as well! Ugh.

I've stated on here before that in a way I'm used to criticism...I do many things differently and have always had to deal with crap because of it. But this stings more because it's not just me being criticized, it's someone I love and care about.

I am glad I told Will in a way. I feel like I'm being more upfront than when I was shielding him from it. Everyone has issues in their family, his included, so it's not a complete surprise. It still stinks though.

[Deleted]

I know this may be extreme to some, but I honestly feel like if someone refuses to be supportive of your relationship or whatever it is you want in your life then maybe they shouldn't be a part of it.

[happyface2013]

I don't agree with Thomas. She's your mother and you can't just cut her out. I'm sure she loves you. Give her time. I know it's hurtful but mothers say things others wouldn't. I wouldn't tell him unless you need the support.

I have a significant disability & always expected negative comments. Fortunately I never got them but there's still time...