Devs only: How was your first PWD dating experience?

[kat]

There's been some talk lately about expectations. Specifically about how some non-experienced devs might expect too much in regards to dating a PWD.

I know there are a lot of devs on this board who have had dev-dis relationships. Many waited a long time before having the courage to pursue a disabled partner. How was your first experience? Did the relationship (if it was that) live up to your expectations? Was it as great as you thought it would be? Were there surprises? Were you ecstatic? Disappointed? Underwhelmed? Do spill.

A lot of this will obviously depend on the persons involved, but it would still be great to hear about your experiences.

[Maurine]

I had signed up at a disabled dating site without many expectations, neither positive nor negative. I had very little time to think about it, as I met a great guy very quickly. We spent many nights talking on the phone and I came to visit him very soon as I was going to spend a weekend near his region anyway.
I was unprecedently ecstatic. On the way to our first date I was a bit nervous, but when I saw him, my minor worries vanished at once. I was madly in love.
Although my initial elation was over after a while as in any relationship, I'm still in love and think he's a great match in many ways. His disability made me more ecstatic as I had ever been and it never fails to turn me on, but it's by far not the only reason why we like to be together.

[lucretia]

Mar 28, 2015 16:18:35 GMT -5 kat said:

There's been some talk lately about expectations. Specifically about how some non-experienced devs might expect too much in regards to dating a PWD.

I know there are a lot of devs on this board who have had dev-dis relationships. Many waited a long time before having the courage to pursue a disabled partner. How was your first experience? Did the relationship (if it was that) live up to your expectations? Was it as great as you thought it would be? Were there surprises? Were you ecstatic? Disappointed? Underwhelmed? Do spill.

A lot of this will obviously depend on the persons involved, but it would still be great to hear about your experiences.

Mine were categorically awful.

The first guy was a pretender who had me sold- hook, line and sinker. I mean, he had the chair, a leg bag with catheter, rented a van with a ramp... I mean... he was COMMITTED!! Plus, he called ME a freak... so... that sucked. The whole thing was a big hot emotional mess. I cried.

The second guy was a complete asshole. He played me so hard... He'd be all about me, then disappear for days... weeks... on end. And he always had a plausible excuse. Then he'd come back with how much he missed me... how much he cared about me... etc. Complete bullshit. After experience #1 I did some real digging and found out his house was in his AND some woman's name, and his phone # was listed to the same woman. I don't care if it was his wife, GF or Mom... that was it. Plus, he was creepy as fuck. Eventually he asked me to send him my daughter's underwear. So... yeah.

The third guy was really interesting. He intrigued me. I wasn't very attracted to him (but then again, I wasn't to the other two, either... interesting aside: I always thought that part of me was somewhat broken... so I didn't pay too much attention to it... more on that topic later) but his manner and method of communication was interesting. He always called me from business trips, and when we skyped it was from hotel rooms... I was so intrigued, and tired of the chase, to be honest... that I almost refused to meet Alf. I had decided third time's the charm and if it didn't work, I was OUT.

There were a few other semi-serious, equally ridiculous encounters between and around these three, but they are the highlights. I did meet ONE fantastic guy early on. He was not only HOT as fuck, but funny and smart. We decided early on not to pursue anything romantic, but we remained friends and honestly this guy taught me how to video chat, how to have GREAT phone sex, and how to really spot a pretender... all in all a wonderful man.

So I was finally persuaded to meet Alf in person. I'd messaged him instantly when I read his first post back after he'd taken a long hiatus. I hadn't known him before as I had also been gone recovering from a serious car accident... that ended up taking me out of my devness for a few years. So he wrote this insanely awesome first post back... and I messaged him... and he messaged me back, and we began a long-distance flirtation/friendship. I did NOT want to meet him, because what the FUCK was I going to do with a guy in EUROPE?? It was a road to sure heartache. LOL

But he was coming to the states on vacation, as it happens, just a few hours from me... so he, and another board member persuaded me to just meet him. For coffee.

He showed up in my driveway four years ago... and the rest is history. Turns out... my sex drive/attraction wasn't broken at all. Just needed the right guy.

Oh... the third guy?? Turns out he was likely a pretender, too.

So I'm done. Alf is it. No matter what happens with us, I am never delving into the wheeler dating world again.

[lucretia]

As for how it was being with Alf, compared to my expectations: AMAZING!!

I had pretty low expectations, but he has continually raised my standards, so I'm pretty much ruined for anyone else, anyway.

Being with a para who is also an amputee is, to me, the best of dev worlds. He tweaks my devness, yes.

But, he is ALSO a highly educated guy with a pretty prestigious job, and is known internationally for his work, so there's that. He's brilliant and constantly challenges me both intellectually and emotionally.

He's compassionate and cares for me better than I've ever been cared for, even as a small child. Speaking of children, he also serves as a role model for my kids, and our grandson has never known him as anything but a grandfather.

So as far as experiences go, Alf eclipsed the others so completely, it seems life a different life.

[Emma]

I promise to respond, I've had this page open since you first posted it. I just have a crazy life with two very young kids. I will let you know my take on it
all tomorrow.

[Deleted]

My first experience was almost my last. I wasn't in the best of mindsets, had a failing marriage (AB), had just discovered that my attractions had a name, and there he was. He was charming, understanding, and was willing to not only wait for me to sort out my disastrous life, but was willing to help me. He'd comfort me when I cried on the phone, he'd promise me the world as soon as I was ready. He told me all the things I wanted to hear, made me feel valued, made me feel beautiful. I was over the moon! Turns out he had ulterior motives. When I was finally ready to make our relationship 100% official, I was presented with a list of demands. Originally, he was going to come to me - he claimed that he was looking to relocate anyway, since he had no family, and he wanted me to be near my family, since they made me happy. I also had a great career, and he didn't want me to lose that on his account. I was so amazed that someone could care that much, that I was sold. I was feeling a little rebellious at 25, so I went and got another tattoo and a facial piercing. When he saw them on Skype, he lost his shit. Told me I had ruined *his* body, and that only whores behaved the way I did. That was my red flag, and I told him this wasn't going to work for me. He sent me this long, heartfelt sounding apology text, left me a handful of sweet, apologetic voicemails. I reflected on how I felt in the beginning, and I proceeded cautiously (like a dumbass). That's when he sent me his list of demands: he expected me to quit my job, pack my bags, and buy a plane ticket. He told me that if we were going to work, then I was going to have to be his full-time carer. I wouldn't be allowed to work, I wouldn't be allowed to go to school, nothing. I bailed immediately. He spent the next three months sending me messages about how I had ruined his life, saying if I was really a dev, I wouldn't have broken it off, etc. I was done, and I swore off dating completely. Then I met #2...He was merely looking for a quickie, and told me I was lucky he'd picked me, because he could have any girl he wanted. I left him shaking his head in disbelief when I was done with him. I didn't date for a long while after that. There's a happy ending to this, though! I met my SO, #3, completely by chance, and I didn't dive right in. He was a friend of a friend, so we'd see each other at various times, and we became friends. He wasn't looking for anything serious either, but as we spent more time together, we realized we had so much in common, Eventually, I opened up about being a dev, and he was really accepting of it. We decided to give it a go, no expectations, no strings attached. He's been amazing for me, and here we are, a couple of years later. Now that we have a child together, things are getting more serious - we've gone from co-parenting, to moving in together. The spark is still there. There hasn't been a single moment when I've second guessed us. Everything has exceeded my expectations in every way. The honeymoon phase has come and gone, but he is good to me, our daughter, and best of all, he still tweaks my devness, and is even eager too. I suppose the third time really is a charm.

[Emma]

My first experience being a dev in real life with a disabled guy was a bit of a disappointment. The guy had CP which is not my disability of choice. We met online through yahoo (back when it was a tiny bit like a social network) and talked a lot online. Once we met I realized he was a big talker and really didn't follow through with a lot of what he said. For example he said he skied but when I asked him about it, it turned out he just had gone once with a special ed group in high school. Once we met I realized he was a bit of a looser compared to what I was expecting. I'm into independent dudes who have goals. This guy was 25, lived at home, sat around watching TV and listening to music all day while his family went to work and school. Then his Mom came home and cooked him dinner, she even cut his food. He had the physical ability to be 100% independent but just didn't bother. It was really disappointing. After a few dates and a whirlwind long distance relationship I decided he was just not for me. His lack of independence was the reason I decided not to pursue anything with him.

[Emma]

My second experience was a lot different. We met on a disability dating site so things started off a bit weird at first because those sites are filled with creeps and fakes so I was hesitant and skeptical. It all started to get real when I asked him via IM to take a picture of himself and send it to me. After spending years online with guys having excuses about why they didn't have pics I was shocked when a picture came through just minutes later. We talked regularly for about a month but nothing was really serious. We lived across the country from each other so our relationship was more just getting to know each other and explore the dev/amputee stuff together. One day I mentioned that I was taking a trip to visit some friends a few states away from him and he responded that I should come see him. That made things even more real. I ended up going to visit him for 3 days. That visit was amazing beyond anything I'd ever experienced as a dev. Physically he was just what I was looking for and the sexual chemistry we had together blew me away. I changed as a dev after that visit. It gave me a taste of what I had been missing out on sexually for my whole life. Initially the visit was just going to be a sort of a hook up see how we are together but when I left I knew that I wanted more.

Overall there were no big surprises. I had some learning to do about the day to day life of a double amputee WC user but we had talked to much that there wasn't much I wasn't already expecting. It was however really nice to see it in person. I was really happy to see that he was infact as independent as I thought (unlike my 1st disabled guy) and that I didn't have to help with anything unexpected. I was also really happy that we got along well in person. Making the leap from online to real life can be tricky but we didn't hit any speed bumps in terms of that. Things got more serious after that visit and we are now married and have two kids.

weren't any surprises disability-wise. He also was very mush the guy I was expecting. We had fun getting to know each other in person.