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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2015 14:27:29 GMT -5
I would have to say fantasy ruined the reality for me, at least at first. I'm a hopeless romantic, so I had the perfect fantasy (for me) concocted in my head. When I met the para of my dreams, he was going to sweep me off my feet, do whatever it took to get to me (like scoot up my steps), stand tall in his braces at the perfect moments, and we'd live happily ever after....
Reality hit me like a Mac truck. When I met my SO, I thought things were going to play out perfectly. I mean, he was exactly my kind of para. While the emotional connection was amazingly amazing, I wasn't expecting the other aspects to be so unfulfilling. He never went above and beyond to get to me. The first time he ever planned on staying at my place, he ended up leaving - the bed was too soft, and just a few inches too high for a comfortable transfer, and there was just no way to make the bathroom work, not even for a night. There's no standing tall, because although he has them, braces are too uncomfortable and energy expending for him to use often. The daily ins and outs are nothing like the fantasy, but I've come to love the life I share with him even if it falls short of devtopia for me.
I think if you let go of some of the fantasy to accommodate the reality, you can mange that fine line within your dev self. It's tough, but I think it's doable.
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Post by Emma on Apr 22, 2015 15:25:43 GMT -5
I'm a really practical and realistic person and the reality of living with someone with the disability I initially focused on (DAE amputee) was something I thought about a lot. I knew I wanted an independent guy and even if I found someone who was independent, I couldn't figure how a guy with that disability would fit into my world. Additionally, the reality was that there are very few guys with that disability and even fewer of them who are independent. That was the reality that hit me after a few years of being single and looking. Even if I found a dude that was exactly what I wanted physically he probably wouldn't be what I wanted in terms of independence or the other things that make a relationship work. Over time I expanded my interests a bit and found a guy with a slightly different disability (DAK amputee) that fit better into what worked for me in terms of independence and also had some of the physical qualities I liked in a DAE amputee. Sure, the reality of life with a DAK amputee isn't as easy as life with an AB guy but he is independent and for the most part can do what is needed around the house, help with the kids and all those things that I didn't want to be the only one capable of doing.
I guess I can't say that fantasy ruined the reality because I was always aware of that disconnect. I never had actual story lines or characters in my fantasies, it was more about imagining situations with someone I saw in a picture. Overall the realities of living with an amputee who uses a wheelchair full time is pretty much what I expected.
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Post by eva on Apr 22, 2015 15:47:12 GMT -5
Great question, tc. For me, they definitely can coexist. In my RS, it was as good - if not better But then, it didn't last long enough to say that it could've gone on forever. Actually, I didn't know what a dev was at the time, so I don't think I had the necessary hindsight to reflect on this. I saw him at a party once from afar and, when someone told me he became a para a year later, I just went for it (I'm sure I'm not the only dev who can elaborate great plans!). We were really in love with each other and it was a great relationship. And I got to live out my fantasy with him, emotionally, visually, physically... It was really fulfilling. Oh, and he did get up the flight of stairs for me every time, there was no elevator ** I almost forgot : I just moved and we're almost neighbours now! He lives in the street next to mine. We almost bumped into each other the other day, but I was coming out of my building with my BF, we were in a hurry and I just couldn't talk to him in this situation, dammit. It's been almost 30 years and I know I broke his heart then. So I just looked up in the air, OMG. I don't think he would ever imagine it was me though, he doesn't know I'm back. I guess it's just a matter of time now. I saw him another time from the window but I wouldn't have had time to run down in the street and then I want to look cool about it, like it's casual In the meantime, I just always walk my dog in the park that's right by his street.
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tabby
Full Member
Hello PD
Posts: 153
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by tabby on Apr 25, 2015 8:24:10 GMT -5
I had a quad "boyfriend" living in my head for years.
I LOVE this. I have been secretly married to Timothy Daly for twenty threes years, since I saw him as a blind chief in "I'll Take Manhattan" and I am glad to see he now has a regular income with Madam Secretary, we have a boy called Christian and a girl called Rosey TMI. But back to the main topic. I have been with my pwd partner for thirteen years and you really get very used to their disability and how you do stuff now is the 'norm'. Therefore it lacks the dev-factor so I would be lost without my fantasies. At the beginning it was a shock to be with a pwd, just a real life person who needed a wheelchair and kept it in the back of their car. The way I felt very self conscious walking around town with him and going to the cinema. Luckily my DH was so patient and loving and relaxed that it was quickly overcome. But in my head I didn't account for all these factors. Note i said he WAS patient, I really don't know where that went... old age, I've broken him... I don't know what
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Post by tori on Apr 25, 2015 17:51:44 GMT -5
Even after being married for so long, I still live out some of my devness through fantasy.
Since I'm (happily) married to a AB male, ALL of my devness pretty much is lived out through fantasy. A few weeks ago there was a post about if we ever became disabled would our dev side disappear (great post BTW). I think about that in flip side. Now that I'm "out" and my husband knows about my devness I worry about what IF something ever happened to him, would it be awkward, or would there be relief in knowing that he would still turn me on, or would the reality ruin the fantasy that was in my head and completely turn off the dev in me? Not that I'd ever wish that on him....obviously. He teases me and says "Well If I ever end up in a wheelchair I'm NEVER gonna let you live it down."
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Post by lucretia on Apr 25, 2015 19:59:52 GMT -5
For me, the reality trumps the fantasy because if any little thing wiggles around in my brain, I can discuss it with Alf and we can see if it is something we try. I will admit as I get older, the dev rush has definitely diminished and I've been in a dev low for a while now. But it doesn't take much for me to get the juices flowing again. As to what I expected vs. reality, there wasn't a lot of difference, from a purely physical standpoint. I was pretty well informed both as a life-long reader of auto-biographies by disabled guys, in addition to the really UNrealistic dev fiction that abounded during my childhood. I also volunteered and later worked in hospitals, so I saw first hand what different levels of injury and different diseases caused regarding independence. MY guy DID surprise me with how far he would go to do something he wanted. Stairs? No problem. FIVE FLIGHTS of stairs to get to a friend's birthday party? Not a huge problem (but I did carry the chair). We've traveled all over in accessible trains and otherwise, accessible buses and otherwise, accessible cars, and otherwise... pretty much, if he wants to do it, we do it. What I did NOT expect was the amount of health issues. He was pretty sick when I met him, and he got VERY sick as time went on... and we've battled a lot of shit since then... and I did NOT expect most of it. I was prepared for sores, emotional outbursts and shoulder issues... I was NOT prepared for kidney failure and all that entails... but again, Alf doesn't take no for an answer, so we've found ways to deal with that, too. I sometimes wonder, if we didn't have the health concerns, would the dev stuff be more on the front burner? There is no way to know. But I do know that for me, reality with a PWD has trumped any fantasy I've ever had.
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Post by eva on Apr 26, 2015 14:49:00 GMT -5
But I do know that for me, reality with a PWD has trumped any fantasy I've ever had. I think for me, I met my wheeler so young, and I had just learned what "devotees" were around that same time (and I was NOT one), I never allowed myself to enjoy some of the typical dev pleasures. I wonder what it would have been like for me had I been older and little more mature. I went through some of the best fantasy dev experiences 16 yrs ago, and was totally blind to it. I wish I could go back and enjoy that experience some. I guess I just wish I was more aware back then. This is SO TRUE! For me at least. When you're aware, it makes such a difference. Had I known he would be the only one, I would've maybe stayed longer or at least appreciated what I had much more than I did then.
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Post by LaMara on Apr 26, 2015 16:12:59 GMT -5
I haven't been posting in ages... wow it's been too long! For me, my fantasies have always been a refuge but also a curse, because I'm afraid I'm using them to shield myself from reality. No man ever will meet my expectations, because the fictional men in my imagination are so detailed, so "real" that they're almost tangible... which is all good when I'm down and need to fantasize a little, but it truly sucks when I remember it's all in my head. And when I met my pwd ex, after the thrill of the first weeks, I soon realize I was trying to idealize him and make him like one of those fictional character in my head, while he was a very real human being with flaws and imperfections. I tried very hard to detach myself from those fake people I daydream about, but it just doesn't work. I need these fantasies to stay sane when things in the real world are shitty. It's like an addiction: I know it's bad, but I just can't function without it...
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Post by faith on Apr 28, 2015 10:34:35 GMT -5
Reality is WAY better than fantasy. Even with all the struggles, frustrations, expenses and other things the go with SCI it is better than my dreams. I love him with my everything so it is hard to separate the love for him and the fulfillment of my devness. I just know he's perfect and way better than my best fantasies.
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Post by strawberrybubblegum on May 28, 2015 16:16:31 GMT -5
Since I never really was the kind of dev to build up my whole "dev-world" in my fantasy and I would really almost only fantasize about devvy stuff when having sex with either my partner, my toys or myself, I'm not quite sure I'll be any good at contributing to this, but here we go.
Of course, fantasy has still been the biggest outlet for my devness my whole life. So, now that I have something to compare my fantasy with, I can only say that reality is even better. Not only is it real, as it's been stated before, but in my fantasy I would often focus on a certain aspect of the disability and also my fantasies were often not as detailed because I simply didn't know how it is IRL. Also, the videos I'd watch sometimes just weren't enough for me and even though they pushed my buttons, I had to build my fantasy up around what I had seen, which was often not as good as actually watching. Anyway, having been with a PWD for the first time, I feel overwhelmed by the whole thing. It's not even only the sexual aspect but all the impressions and the new things I've experienced. I can't even say if it is that I really like him or that it's the whole dev thing that's driving me crazy. Probably both. Also, that it's still all so new. But I just am so happy and overwhelmed right now that I can say that my fantasies were never as good as it actually was when it finally really happened! For a very long time I didn't really long for more than just the fantasy and up until now I was very satisfied with them, but now I got what I had been waiting for for so long, I definitely want some more.
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Post by Ximena on May 28, 2015 17:42:54 GMT -5
I just want to say having just finished Molly Mirren's book (which pokes fun at those "unrealistic dev fantasy books" and does deal with some real issues of SCI), this is a fascinating thread. I've never been with a PWD, sadly, since I married very young, but I'm very interested in reading everyone's comments on this issue.
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2015 11:16:13 GMT -5
Great question, tc. For me, they definitely can coexist. In my RS, it was as good - if not better But then, it didn't last long enough to say that it could've gone on forever. Actually, I didn't know what a dev was at the time, so I don't think I had the necessary hindsight to reflect on this. I saw him at a party once from afar and, when someone told me he became a para a year later, I just went for it (I'm sure I'm not the only dev who can elaborate great plans!). We were really in love with each other and it was a great relationship. And I got to live out my fantasy with him, emotionally, visually, physically... It was really fulfilling. Oh, and he did get up the flight of stairs for me every time, there was no elevator ** I almost forgot : I just moved and we're almost neighbours now! He lives in the street next to mine. We almost bumped into each other the other day, but I was coming out of my building with my BF, we were in a hurry and I just couldn't talk to him in this situation, dammit. It's been almost 30 years and I know I broke his heart then. So I just looked up in the air, OMG. I don't think he would ever imagine it was me though, he doesn't know I'm back. I guess it's just a matter of time now. I saw him another time from the window but I wouldn't have had time to run down in the street and then I want to look cool about it, like it's casual In the meantime, I just always walk my dog in the park that's right by his street. Wow! Your story is incredible! Rather heartbreaking to my opinion. Sounds very devvy to me. It could be a great romance novel Please keep us posted if you meet him again. Maybe it's your destiny you moved back close to him?
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2015 12:27:52 GMT -5
Very interesting thread TC. Even if the fantasy topic has already been mentionned a few times it can be endless I've been a dev for sooooo many years without knowing it, I'm glad I had those fantasies of mine to be able to deal with it. After all we all need an inner sanctum. However, as I didn't have any relationships with a PWD I will never know if this attraction would have last but I can keep on reveling in my attraction through reading, writing, dreaming, and vent about it on PD and with you girls and that's awesome. It is very interesting to me to notice mixed feelings among those who have experienced a relationship with a disabled guy, TC being the main girl of interest . Being mostly a para wheeler fan, you pressed my dev buttons very hard mentioning the stairs climbing just for you! One of my devviest fantasy among others I don't know if there had been a thread with a list of dev fantasies yet, but it could be interesting too
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Post by eva on May 30, 2015 15:09:28 GMT -5
That would be a great thread! Actually we did cross paths again, but he ignores me! He really does. Once we were about to cross the street, he was on the other side and he just turned away. At least, I know he recognized me! Yesterday, I was taking my dog to the park and we were both basically stuck on the same narrow sidewalk. He passed me by frowning. This time, I was watching him, kind of. Whatever. I don't really know the reason why he behaves this way. He has a wife and two kids. I have a boyfriend (he saw us together). No real threat here. I don't understand why he would harbor resentment since we left in good terms at the time and, frankly, I broke up with him, yes, but we had a great relationship. I do believe that I didn't move here, of all places, by chance (I was given this apartment, didn't get to chose, and I love it!). Sooner or later, we will make peace, I hope. In his own sweet time
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Post by Maurine on May 30, 2015 16:46:22 GMT -5
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