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Post by Melina26 on Aug 11, 2015 15:35:47 GMT -5
***I did some keyword searching before creating this thread to check if it hasn't been covered before exactly the same way, but I couldn't find it, at least not in one straight thought...so here it goes! (long and not objective at all thread question alert!!) I know I have the desire and curiosity as a dev, but of course also the doubts and fears. As a recently discovered dev who have never met any pwd for dating purposes before and is still uncertain on how I feel about this side of me in terms of how big of a role it could actually play in my life IRL, because the attraction/fantasy is very sexy and fun to talk about, but translate it into the life you're really living seems to be another story, I wanted to get some insights on how you devs (new or experienced, in a relationship or not) feel about these 2 sparks which have been "tormenting" me: 1 Early expectations: How was it meeting/relating to a pwd for the first time? As magic as you thought? Were your expectations met? Both physically and in a psychological connection level? The attraction you had for their body in fantasy was the same with a real body? Disappointing? Awkward? Just felt natural? marvelous? Did you have that epiphany moment of confirmation "THIS is what I want for my life!"? Or were you still kinda ashamed for yourself or preocuppied about what people would think if you brought him home as your boyfriend? Did you encounter major downsides of being with a pwd you hadn't thought of before? 2 Future Life: Do you see yourself marrying a pwd? Kids, whole package? Why yes or why not? Do you think its just like any other relationship in terms of fears or uncertainties? Do you wonder about the things you will be unable to do with him? Do you worry you may be "taking the fantasy too far" and maybe feel that living it up wouldn't work for you IRL? Do you worry about money matters? (especially with more debilitating disabilities which dont allow your SO to have a job?) Do you worry about taking up more than you thought you could handle? Where does your fantasy find its limits and then reality comes crashing in?? Hope some of you find it interesting to talk about, or dont feel you have exhausted the subject, cuz I could really use some clarity!! Haha Tks  |
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Post by devogirl on Aug 11, 2015 18:38:46 GMT -5
Don't overthink this! A relationship with the right PWD can be as good or better than your fantasies. A relationship with the wrong PWD will be horrible. Or it could start great with the rush of physical attraction but eventually you realize your personalities are not compatible. You never know until you try. It's impossible to make blanket statements about all those things you asked about, because it really comes down to personality and compatibility. It is worth it to take some time and make the effort to meet disabled guys and see for yourself how it goes. Also make PWD friends, that will help you separate fantasy and reality.
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Post by Emma on Aug 11, 2015 23:33:13 GMT -5
This is a great question. I hope my perspective will help you and I look forward to reading what others have to say. I'm also happy to PM with you more if you prefer to talk privately.
I spent years trying to figure out how being with the type of guy I wanted would fit into my life. Years. I started slowly with talking to guys online then a few years into that I was single and met a guy, in real life. That was a huge step and got me to make it real. Ultimately, I realized that my lifestyle and personality wouldn't really work out with a guy who needed a lot of help despite some of those disabilities being high on my dev list. Thankfully I was very attracted to guys who were more independent.
As for your first question: Overall I'd say yes. It was amazing, both emotionally and physically. He was the 2nd disabled guy I met and the first amputee. It took some time getting used to everything but didn't feel strange, just new. I never felt ashamed or guilt for my attraction so didn't struggle with that. I worried a bit about what others would say, but knew it would be okay in the end since he is not dependent on me.
I married the second disabled guy I met and we have two kids. There are things we are unable to do and it can be frustrating but in the end the benefits to being married to him outweigh the things we miss out on because of his disability. I don't think I've taken the fantasy too far because for me its not a fantasy but a sexual orientation. I would not be truly happy with an AB guy. Also in terms of money, he was injured in the military so makes good money from his military retirement. We are comfortable financially which helps a LOT.
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Post by strawberrybubblegum on Aug 12, 2015 4:23:14 GMT -5
Wow, Melina, what a great topic! I also think about these things very often. And honestly, I feel really bad about it towards my boyfriend.
#1 Early expectations
Meeting my boyfriend for the first time was everything I had imagined and even more! Even though he doesn't have the disability I was initially most/only attracted to (para) but a more severe one (high quad), I enjoyed and still enjoy very much spending time with him and physically it is honestly better than anything I'd had before and even better than my fantasies and what I had expected. Apart from the physical aspects and the amazing chemistry we have, he is a great guy who's very interesting, smart, funny, affectionate and giving. I like him a lot and I can see this relationship growing and becoming something great. BUT I still have doubts and concerns about exactly the things you adress. What will everybody think about my boyfriend not only being in a chair, but having this severe disability where he's dependent on others/on me? He has a very different life than all of us and that will affect me if we stay together. Can I really handle that? I have only told three of my friends about him being a quad and luckily the reactions weren't as bad as I had feared. I'm still not ready to tell my parents, though. Heck, they don't even know I am dating someone and we've been seeing each other for three months now. I feel horrible for keeping him a secret and I cannot even imagine how this makes him feel. This is something I hadn't really thought about before I started dating him, because I never really thought I would actually date a PWD. And if so, I thought it would be a para and, honestly, I think that would've been easier regarding this whole "What will everybody think" topic, because the more disabled someone is, the less "normal" he is percieved as by society. Something else I'd never thought of that comes to my mind is always being concerned about health and care issues. Luckily he hasn't had any health problems since we met, but we've talked about it and I'm very well aware of the risks and the reduced life expactancy that come with being a quad. I really worry a lot about him.
#2 Future life
Do I see myself marrying a PWD? Maybe. Having children with a para? I don't know. Having children with a high quad? Probably not.
Do I see myself marrying an AB? Maybe. Having children with them? I don't know.
I don't know if I want to get married and have children in the first place. Getting married, maybe. Kids, I'm really not sure. If I had to chose right now I'd say no. It's not necesseraly only because of his disability but because I just don't know if I want to have kids at all and then imagining how it would be to have a family with one, two or three kids on top of having a husband that constantly needs care and assistance (even though it's not me who does the caregiving) is just too much. Having a family and running a household are a full-time-job on their own. Having a career, a life to your own with hobbies and a working and healthy relationship is also doable, but hard (at least that's what I experienced in my family). But doing all of that and having a (highly) disabled partner? I just don't see it working for me. I know it's possible; everything's possible. And I know there's people out there doing this, but I don't think that's what I want. I try not to think about it yet, honestly, even though I'm aware that he's a 100% sure he wants to start a family and have kids some day and on top of that he's almost eight years older than me, turning 30 this year, which makes it all seem not so far away on his side.
Do I wonder about the things I won't be able to do with him? Hell, yeah! Vacations, hobbies or visiting friends and family are just some of them. And I'm sure the list goes on and on. It's sad, but I think that's something you can adjust to. Like, say, certain kinds of vacations, you can do on your own or with friends.
Financial stuff... Well, I know that if I marry him we will never be rich or anything and probably have less than what I'm used to, but neither are we going to be poor, I think. He has a good job, but here in Germany we have this stupid law that disabled people who are in need of social welfare because of care issues are only allowed to have a certain amount of money in their possession (I think 2600€ if I recall right). And I think that also applies to their partners. That means that he could work his ass off and still never be able to, say, buy a car, a house, etc. because he's not allowed to have enough money. Great, huh? Still, to me that's not a reason for doubts towards the relationship.
And last but not least: Do I worry about taking up more than I thought I could handle?
Yes!!! Constantly. And the worst part is I don't know how long I will be able to take it. It may be a couple of months, a couple of years or maybe even forever. But I have no f***ing clue and that makes me feel like a horrible person, like I'm blindsighting him (even if we've talked about this).
I don't know if this relationship will last. I don't know if I will date a PWD again if it doesn't. And I don't know if my devness is strong and important enough as to have all these issues be worth it. What I do know is that he is worth it to at least give this whole thing a shot and therefor I'm willing to try. We can't look into the future, can we? So, all that's left is to try and learn.
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Post by Melina26 on Aug 12, 2015 4:23:18 GMT -5
Don't overthink this! A relationship with the right PWD can be as good or better than your fantasies. A relationship with the wrong PWD will be horrible. Or it could start great with the rush of physical attraction but eventually you realize your personalities are not compatible. You never know until you try. It's impossible to make blanket statements about all those things you asked about, because it really comes down to personality and compatibility. It is worth it to take some time and make the effort to meet disabled guys and see for yourself how it goes. Also make PWD friends, that will help you separate fantasy and reality. I appreciate that, but I was afraid I was going to get answers like this, and its just easier said than done...like someone said in another post, telling a dev not to feel guilty or think about all these things incessantly is as useful as telling a pwd not to be disabled, you know??? I just can't help it and I could use some real perspective from those who have been there/done that rather than just tell me not to feel what I can't help feeling! You know?  |
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Post by strawberrybubblegum on Aug 12, 2015 4:39:50 GMT -5
Don't overthink this! A relationship with the right PWD can be as good or better than your fantasies. A relationship with the wrong PWD will be horrible. Or it could start great with the rush of physical attraction but eventually you realize your personalities are not compatible. You never know until you try. It's impossible to make blanket statements about all those things you asked about, because it really comes down to personality and compatibility. It is worth it to take some time and make the effort to meet disabled guys and see for yourself how it goes. Also make PWD friends, that will help you separate fantasy and reality. I appreciate that, but I was afraid I was going to get answers like this, and its just easier said than done...like someone said in another post, telling a dev not to feel guilty or think about all these things incessantly is as useful as telling a pwd not to be disabled, you know??? I just can't help it and I could use some real perspective from those who have been there/done that rather than just tell me not to feel what I can't help feeling! You know? Don't worry, Melina, that's what this community is all about: getting some insight and some questions answered. We can learn a lot from each other. And I'm sure a lot of the other devs will be happy to share their POV. (: Also, I have to respectfully disagree with devogirl, as I think that love's not always enough. |
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Post by devogirl on Aug 12, 2015 5:55:31 GMT -5
Whoa, I never said love is enough! I don't believe that at all. What I said is a relationship with a PWD might work out or it might not but you never know until you try.
Melina, I get that you are frustrated but really there is no way to know the future. And I have been there/done that, many many times with lots of different guys, with various disabilities and with AB guys. Sometimes the first meeting was as magic as I thought, or even more so, sometimes it was a huge disappointment. I did see myself marrying a PWD and having kids, but it didn't work out because I never met the right disabled guy who was both emotionally mature and compatible in terms of personality. It is just like any other relationship in terms of fears and uncertainties.
Like I said before, a relationship takes two people, and the relationship you have will be different depending on the guy you are with. You can't say all PWD-dev relationships will end up one way or another. There are examples of happy PWD-dev relationships among the members here, relationships that were happy for a time then ended amicably, and relationships that were disasters. There is no guarantee in life, but dev-PWD relationships can work out well. But if you let yourself be so consumed by fear that you never put yourself out there, you will never find out.
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Post by Melina26 on Aug 12, 2015 8:28:37 GMT -5
That is so important Emma! Money matters really worry me, because I would like so much to live up my fantasy and be with a quad, i think that could really make me happy, but if I have to work all day, handle the household all by myself, the kids, and still a totally dependent husband, its seems IMPOSSIBLE for me!!! My fantasy would need that resolved to really exist...
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2015 9:07:58 GMT -5
I love this Melina, thanks for posting. I was wondering some of the same things. Thanks for the insight ladies!  |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2015 9:26:24 GMT -5
My first PWD relationship didn't really work, for tons of reasons. I was naive, and I didn't really take the time to reflect on what I really, truly wanted. The relationship I have now works, and therefor it's the one I'll reference. Also, I'm more than happy to go into more details in PMs - I know it's sometimes hard to open up completely for all to see. 1) It was absolutely amazing. I'd finally had the chance to separate fantasy from reality (like devogirl mentioned, I'd become friends with a handful of PWDs that helped in this aspect), and I was decided on what I wanted. I met my SO completely by chance. It just so happened I was a dev, and he fell into my preferences. There was an emotional connection, as well as a physical one, and he was completely ok with me being a dev. I had no shame in bringing him home to meet my parents (who do not know I'm a dev) - he's a good man, and that's all they wanted for me. 2) I do want the whole package, and I have part of it. We have a daughter together (another surprise!) and we're engaged. I don't worry about life too much. I worry about the aging with SCI aspects, but so far it's been smooth sailing (as much as it could be, considering of course). My biggest stressor right now is wedding planning. Venues, the logistics of everything, standard stuff any couple deals with really. He has a good job, as do I, so I'm not worried about finances. We just bought our first home together, which was another stressful experience, his disability having absolutely nothing to do with it, I'm just supremely picky. All in all, I can't imagine life without him. There's no one else I'd rather grow old with! |
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Post by lisa on Aug 13, 2015 11:29:54 GMT -5
Melina, don't worry too much, I'm almost sure most of us have the exact same questions you wrote about or at least had them at some point in life. I've been dating a wheeler (with a disability on the more severe end of the line) for about 1.5 years and I've been through the whole who-to-tell-what-about-my-new-boyfriend-if-at-all thing. I know I did things I wasn't really ready to do. Like doing lots of the care while being together with him, telling a lot of people about me dating a severely disabled guy who didn't even live in my town or country. I also think I went into the whole thing way too early, so I didn't have much possibility to ask myself all the questions that would have let me be a bit more cautious. Anyway, it still was an experience I don't want to miss at all. I would have never known what it means to be together with a disabled guy (sure, everyone is different, but still), what I need in such a relationship and how it affects my life on different levels.
Anyway, I can't give you much information on question two since I never went that far with a disabled guy. At the moment I am kind of going further with an AB guy and actually I'm asking myself the opposite questions :-D. Whether it could be too normal and not enough for me at some point. But as the other girls already said, you can't know before.
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Post by Melina26 on Aug 13, 2015 18:06:17 GMT -5
Melina, don't worry too much, I'm almost sure most of us have the exact same questions you wrote about or at least had them at some point in life. I've been dating a wheeler (with a disability on the more severe end of the line) for about 1.5 years and I've been through the whole who-to-tell-what-about-my-new-boyfriend-if-at-all thing. I know I did things I wasn't really ready to do. Like doing lots of the care while being together with him, telling a lot of people about me dating a severely disabled guy who didn't even live in my town or country. I also think I went into the whole thing way too early, so I didn't have much possibility to ask myself all the questions that would have let me be a bit more cautious. Anyway, it still was an experience I don't want to miss at all. I would have never known what it means to be together with a disabled guy (sure, everyone is different, but still), what I need in such a relationship and how it affects my life on different levels. Anyway, I can't give you much information on question two since I never went that far with a disabled guy. At the moment I am kind of going further with an AB guy and actually I'm asking myself the opposite questions :-D. Whether it could be too normal and not enough for me at some point. But as the other girls already said, you can't know before. That's interesting, I too have a preference for severe dis, high SCI, so I would really like to know more about these things you said you regretted, cuz it was too much too soon...and also why it ended, 1,5 years is quite a lot. PM me if you prefer not to write here, if you would be ok with giving me more info! |
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Post by Maurine on Aug 14, 2015 3:44:43 GMT -5
1 Early expectations: How was it meeting/relating to a pwd for the first time? As magic as you thought? It was truly magical. I had been nervous on the train to his city, but when I got off and saw him waiting for me, my nervousness was instantly blown away. It's a very special memory. I would say that physically, it exceeded my expectations. Our (initial) psychological connection was a bit different than I had imagined. I wouldn't call it disappointing, I would even say it was better like that, but it was different. It was pretty overwhelming. I was newly in love with this man, who was my type in so many ways, by far not only because of his disability. It felt natural to be with him, as though we had known each other for years, but at the same time, for weeks and weeks I sometimes found it hard to believe that this was reality, that I was actually with this man, who used a wheelchair and whose scars I was allowed to touch and lick. There wasn't such a moment, but I saw myself some day marrying my guy very early after we had met. I wasn't ashamed and liked to show people that I dated an interesting man. I wish we could do more outdoor activities, but on the other hand, he wasn't too much into that when he was AB either. Besides, having to be inventive and make adaptions to do certain outdoor activities makes things more adventurous. Many things can be done, they just require more effort or (expensive) adaptive equipment. I think we've become pretty active. That's our current plan. We both want kids, we just don't fully agree yet on when to have them. I'm not very experienced when it comes to relationships, so I can't draw a comparison. When I look at AB relationships of people that I know well, I see reason to worry about several things, too. Not so much anymore. In the beginning it saddened me that there were things we couldn't do certain outdoor activities together. Now I've learned that those things don't mean as much to him as they mean to me. I could see myself going hiking with friends or our future kids now without being saddened because he can't join us. And there are loads of things you can do if you want to and don't mind putting up with a few inconveniences. I hadn't had detailed fantasies about myself being with a wheeler. There is one disability-related thing that bothers me, but it mainly has to do with me being strange. I think you must be nearly dead to be unable to work. I know of people with very severe disabilities who work full time. However, it can be more difficult to get a job if you're disabled. On top of that, depending on the country you live in and the individual situation, it can be very expensive to be disabled. Luckily, my boyfriend's accident was caused by another person, whose insurance, after a ridiculously long and hard fight, covers all his disability-related costs. Overall, no. We just came back from holiday. Especially due to the intense heat, things were a bit stressful at times and I found myself thinking it'd be more relaxed if he were AB. But there were also moments we would have missed out on if he were AB. Also, I reminded myself that I know loads of women who experience great difficulties when it comes to travelling with their AB partners for a variety of reasons that I don't have to deal with. Generally speaking, I don't think we're worse off than most people we know. There are advantages and disadvantages and overall we're a very happy couple. |
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Post by Melina26 on Aug 14, 2015 17:54:51 GMT -5
1 Early expectations: How was it meeting/relating to a pwd for the first time? As magic as you thought? It was truly magical. I had been nervous on the train to his city, but when I got off and saw him waiting for me, my nervousness was instantly blown away. It's a very special memory. I specially worry about this very moment...the first eye contact, that moment you get off the bus/train/car and spot the person and you make eye contact.... I am such a weirdo!! I often look away, embarassed to look at the guy, ...haha.. with ab guys its always been like that. I really hope to feel the way you did, to have that magical moment of certainty when you are sure it feels right, and not be affraid any more. sometimes i think maybe the reason it always felt so strange its because they were ab guys, while what my body and mind craved for was a quad, and so it felt wrong...but then when i do meet an interesting quad, it will just magically feel right for the first time in my life!! haha ive been with ab guys, and really attracted to them at first, but it never...i mean NEVER...really felt right, you know?? I couldnt be naturally with them, and i see many of you are equally attracted and have related to both abs and pwds...but I am guessing i must belong to a different breed of dev. ab guys just can't do it for me all the way... such high expectations can be tricky, I know...but I do what I can with my confused dev mind...  |
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Post by Melina26 on Aug 17, 2015 15:48:27 GMT -5
I was really, seriously worried about how I would be around a PWD IRL. After years of being literally frozen to the spot if I saw one in public - tongue-tied, sweating, unable to make eye contact, unable to function ffs - I really was petrified. But, after a rocky start, meeting my para friend in a work type environment, over the course of a couple of years (yes, years), I got over a lot of my fears and my almost physical shock every time I saw him. It was akin to getting over a fear of anything. Just expose yourself to it a little more each time and in the end it becomes more normal. This always has fucked my head up - why something I am attracted to can elicit such a ridiculous reaction in me. I should surely feel and behave naturally around disabled people, so why don't I? Still not got a proper answer for that one. Maybe my lack of self-confidence, maybe my fear that they would 'find me out' and be disgusted by what I am. Idk... But now, okay, I'm not completely cured of my fears and insecurities, but I've made a huge step forward. I've turned my fantasy into reality. I'm starting what I hope will be a long term relationship with a para guy who I really like. He knows I'm a dev, my parents and siblings know I'm a dev. I go out with him in public and I don't die of shock. In fact I absolutely love it. Nothing has ever felt so right. I feel like my whole life has been leading up to me actually being able to live this life. If you get a chance, go for it. You might not like it, but if you can, please try. It might not be the life for you, you might be a fantasy only dev, there's nothing at all wrong with that, but you might be someone who has the drive to make it work for you IRL. You are never too old either. There are always people out there starting again, for one reason or another. I don't regret a single thing I've done in this last year. I regret the hurt and pain I've caused to those close to me along the way, but I don't regret making the life changes I've made. I should have done this years ago. I wish you courage, conviction and the ability to look at things with reason. Above all, just do what feels right. If you really want this life, it is there to be discovered. With a bit of luck xx Thanks!! Loved your perspective! I do want to try, I guess the more I talk about my fears the smaller they get in face of all the wonderful things that can come from this experience |
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