Sustaining a relationship

[lucretia]

Whatever drew you to each other, keep doing that. Simple.

Alf and I got to know each other online for just a couple of weeks before we met in person... Then spent a few months after that on different continents.

We really delved into each other's heads. And we still do.

Also, he wooed me, once he figured out how great I am, lol. And we continue to work to not take each other or our relationship for granted.

As for physical stuff, he still enjoys tweaking my devness, and I have a few things I know he loves.

We just don't stop dating, really. We're broke a lot (living in two really expensive parts of the world really sucks up the $$$), but we still do the little things that keep us guessing.

He's better at it than I am, he's the flowers and chocolates guy ... But I do a fair bit.

[hail]

Tried to get at some of this stuff in my balance thread but maybe I'm just too sensitive and missed the mark. I never really got to a point in my dev/dis connection to truly test sustainability but communication is huge. Letting each other in and listening is super important. Another important thing is recognizing what you're looking for and if compatibility is really there. Sometimes with these kinds of connections it's easy to force it and to not look beyond the insatiable attraction at play. On the flip side though, I've heard of a handful of stories from devs where the connection fizzled out due to hypothetical compatibility concerns. Sometimes sticking with it is important too. Communication is key.

[Kid A]

Definitely want to echo the bit about communication. It's a team effort and, ideally, involves both parties contributing to the conversation equally. That said, it's important not to discount that another's communication style can be quite a bit different than your own. It's a challenge, but making sure the other knows what your "standards" are when it comes to addressing whatever might be an issue is really important. It's easy to get caught in a trap of holding the other to standards that haven't yet been communicated and being disappointed when they are not met. Round and round you go. It's better just to be upfront and make sure that when disagreements over said standards arise that you don't invalidate the other's feelings about it. While your standards might make sense to you, they might not to the other person. I also think it's necessary to keep in mind that you're truly a team and the other isn't out to get you or purposefully, or even inadvertently, make you feel bad. Once you're committed to one another, feel secure in that commitment and don't let small squabbles shake that feeling, even if they don't feel so small in the moment. If you love each other, that love will prevail and ultimately bring you back together, even when you feel divided by something or other.

[hungryquad]

Dec 30, 2015 18:51:51 GMT -5 @inkdevil said:

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Unless your guy is a dev expert...tell him what you like. What we like is not usually what most 'normal' women like. He isn't going to know that I'd prefer a video of him wheeling down the street more than I would a naked wank-a-thon unless I tell him. It's a dev thing.

I want him to tell me anything, I have to ask him. I've come to the conclusion that it's not that he doesn't feel anything for me - he's just extremely shit at expressing it. I have to pry it out of him and the long distance relationship thing fucks with my head.

So I'd say communication is the key to keeping things strong in a relationship.

Sounds awfully familiar doesn't it bowlergrl0524 ?

[bowlergrl0524]

Dec 31, 2015 14:04:04 GMT -5 hungryquad said:

Dec 30, 2015 18:51:51 GMT -5 @inkdevil said:

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Unless your guy is a dev expert...tell him what you like. What we like is not usually what most 'normal' women like. He isn't going to know that I'd prefer a video of him wheeling down the street more than I would a naked wank-a-thon unless I tell him. It's a dev thing.

I want him to tell me anything, I have to ask him. I've come to the conclusion that it's not that he doesn't feel anything for me - he's just extremely shit at expressing it. I have to pry it out of him and the long distance relationship thing fucks with my head.

So I'd say communication is the key to keeping things strong in a relationship.

Sounds awfully familiar doesn't it bowlergrl0524 ?

Definitely sounds familiar.  I thought that as I read her reply.  Communication is beyond important, especially for those that are in a long distance relationship and for a dev/PWD relationship.  

[matisse]

Dec 30, 2015 17:18:44 GMT -5 @braced4impact said:

Because, let's face it, once you're together, the work doesn't stop; it's only just beginning. 

I think the "work" comes into play when dealing with fights, unforeseen medical/work issues, etc. Call me a romantic but I do not think the day-to-day relationship should be work. In fact, it should be easy and natural.

I recall getting advice when we got married, I can't remember that any of it was helpful ("don't go to bed mad"). Relationships are unique and what works for one may be terrible for another. Just about the only somewhat universal thing I can think of is: be good to each other, in whatever way that means for each of you.

I will say that long-distance relationships are the exception. With those, I think they do require actual work because the separation means that you are missing all the little daily things that nurture your bond.

[Clair deLune]

I'm gonna echo the "communication" too.

In my relationship, the hardest part about communicating is not that we don't both want to, but that we don't seem to speak the same language sometimes. So that is something that can be work. It's easy to say, yep, I'm good, I communicated my wants/needs/desires, but if the other person doesn't understand what you said, it can be more damaging than not trying to communicate at all.

The other thing that's "work" is that you can't walk away. You have to fix your mistakes, no matter what, and if they're not fixable you just have to deal with things being broken. I think other people in long relationships can relate... there have been instances in mine where I maybe should have just left. If we were just dating, I would have left for sure, saying no way, this is not something I want to deal with permanently, this is a deal breaker. It's different when the deal is already made. So it's a lot of work to get past things that initially seem like you can't get past. That's where the work is. Black and white is easy, grey is very, very hard.

The other thing is... don't take other people's advice You know yourself better than anyone else, and after a time, you probably know your partner better than anyone else does too, and you definitely know your relationship better. So you have to figure everything out yourselves. There's no blueprint for "how it's done" that someone else can hand you - although THEY WILL TRY.