A vexing problem

[ghost]

I'm sure a lot of you disabled members are used to this my problem is the prevailing attitude towards the disabled. I continually get beat over the head with I don't want to be with you because you're not happy. But then on the other hand I'm not happy because no one ever wants to be with me. It's a chicken and the egg problem.

I always get the look at the positives but to be quite honest my life really doesn't have a single meaningful positive every time I ever got to the point I might've gotten a positive I get some lame excuse either ignorance or prejudice and any person involved decides never to give it to me. I really do try to be positive but the thing is the way I feel is the way I feel. I have literally never experienced joy at all and all.

I'm not really trying to impress anyone nor do I have any particular desire to be negative about anything but it's really kinda hard even fake joy when you never experienced it. I really do try my utmost to be kind others and be a decent human being. The problem here is that everyone tells me I'm depressing that by this point it's my personality I'm not really trying to impress anyone and I would really love to change it if I would ever find the means.

The fact is I've never been able to find that person that would allow me a single positive experience in this life I've always been denied the supportive family the respect of others and any kind of intimate affection at all. So the problem I'm left with is the equivalent is to display a bunch of joy that I honestly don't have.

I have no problem being happy the mere prospect of actually getting something meaningful in life such as a single loving relationship or to get to do some of things that actually mean something to me definitely makes me feel happy the problem being there always empty hopes. I also often hear the phrase just let it go but the thing here is to do that I would literally have to let my entire life go from the child abuse right up to being an adult. And as one might guess it's near impossible to just disregard your entire history.

I would really like to get pass this over this around this whatever you get to get past this and actually have a real life I'm simply tired of being told to be happy and accept being denied everything.

[kat]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I have to agree with @braced4impact though; it's important to have substance in your life that doesn't rely on another human being. It's unfair to expect another person to make you happy. That's way too much pressure to put on a person. I'm not saying you should be ecstatic about your life - it's okay to feel a bit bad about being alone, most people do - but you should try to find out what you're interested in and passionate about outside of a relationship, and try to pursue those things.

I'd also like to gently point out that other people don't owe you anything. You mention people "not giving it to you" and "being denied everything" (I'm assuming you're referring to romantic relationships here). The uncomfortable truth is that not everyone is going to get to experience love. A romantic relationship isn't something that is "owed" to you. If it happens, awesome. But you should try not to build your whole life on the expectation that you're going to find it.

[wheelieInCali]

How old are you? I didn't think it was humanly possible to never have experienced joy.

[Tommy]

Wear Sunscreen!

[mike]

Ghost,

Here's a different perspective you might consider: Our moods aren't totally volitional. You cannot easily simply DECIDE to be happy. You can deliberately control your ATTITUDE, but not your mood. Your attitude largely controls your interpretation of external events and how they apply to your life.

Humans are highly adaptable creatures; external events have an impact upon us, but long term we become accustomed to our situation. There are both positive & negative things that happen to all of us; which you choose to dwell upon will impact your viewpoint on life.

Here's another thing to consider: Suppose your finger really hurt badly; would you seek medical help? Probably. How about your toe? Probably. Conversely, there are other parts we feel inhibited to discuss due to embarrassment, shame or some other feeling that inhibits us.

Your brain runs on a combination of neurochemicals, life experiences, intrinsic emotional framework etc. Sometimes one or more of those is affecting others. So for example, if someone reached in and removed all the serotonin from your brain, you would feel awful no matter how hard you tried to feel otherwise. Which factors are driving your negative feelings can be difficult to figure out; that's why we have different professionals that try different techniques to help us. The important things to remember are these: 1. There is no virtue or shame in seeking help for one body system or another. Its not as if its OK to have a finger problem but shameful to have a toe problem. Still people feel reluctant to seek help for emotional problems - why? 2. Some things we simply 'get over', such as a cold. Some things we can fix ourselves - such as a splinter in your finger. Still other things we need help with; would you try & fix appendicitis yourself? Of course not. Why not try & see if there is something that can help your feelings. If you're short of dopamine, serotonin or some other neurochemical, you can't fix that yourself either. Consider the possibility that your mood is due to something outside your control, and you are misinterpreting the situation. Quite possibly your mood is sabotaging your relationships, not the other way around. Quite possibly there is something that can be done to help you. Don't let your ego get in the way; there's no virtue or vice in seeking help, no matter which part of you is hurting.

I'm not a professional, but am speaking from experience. Like you, I spent a long time blaming external events rather than recognizing that there was something physical happening, and it was outside my control. Turns out it was relatively easy to treat, but I needed medical help to make it happen.

I could not possibly know what is going on in your mind; I'm not a professional, but just consider the possibility that there may be something that can help you enjoy your life - You have a whole lifetime to gain, what have you got to lose? .

[lacuna]

I know how you feel, but I don't think it and being disabled are mutually exclusive. I'm not going to patronise you and say it'll be better, or roll out the damn awful, 'keep your chin up' (insert location based equivalent') I don't know your circumstances. I do think Kat and Braced make valid points, if I were (and I have been) in your situation I would try and look for fulfilment outside of a relationship, in whatever form you can find it. No matter how bleak things can get, I'm sure you have solace of some kind, be that hobbies interests or whatever. Use that as a starting point.
It's incredibly difficult at times to separate 'you' from 'your disability and/medical malady', I found until I was able to do that enjoying anything is truly difficult, whether I was in a relationship or not. I imagine most people living with disability or any kind of chronic illness or condition can attest to facing some form of discrimination, positive or negative. It's entirely subjective and of course easier to say than to do but, when I was able to validate and define myself outside of the bounds of what anyone, be that society as a whole, or what a significant other might provide you or expect from you, it might be easier to find true and meaningful connections.
Either way, the first step is to talk about it.

[wheelieInCali]

Piss on sunscreen

[wheelieInCali]

That was a song? I thought of a song recently that I hadn't thought of in a long long time, it's worth hitting play...

[ghost]

I really have no interest in the life of a loner. And I'm not exclusively referring to romance. I've never had an affectionate relationship at all romantic or otherwise. I would say I've been less loved and more simply tolerated. As far as hobbies and such I have many just none of them really mean anything to me I do things merely to distract myself and the things which upset me so much. And in the answer to the other question on 36 my life started from child abuse and has pretty much been a sequence of repeated pain from then on. I really don't know why I even wrote this post because I honestly should've known better than obviously someone was either going they every cloud has a silver lining or accept it I have no interest in either one one is a lie in the other one is pointless. To me accepting a life along with my hobbies is basically accepting a meaningless life that is to me absolutely miserable thanks for anyone who honestly tried to help. I guess I just asked an unsolvable question thanks for trying.

[professor]

The tough fact is that nobody can bring meaning to their life but themselves. It takes different forms for different people, but it's not something someone else can provide.

[wheelieInCali]

Do you want to talk dude? Send me a message or IM me at yahoo instant messenger sometime. username: jasonmeierca

[Deleted]

I am trying to understand what you are looking for? You said you have hobbies but they don't mean anything to you...you said it is not about romance alone...I am not sure what it is you are looking for? And Kat, Mike and braces made some great points, I couldn't put it that good and so I am confused now because even their "advice" you didn't really find appropriate I guess...
I am not always a happy person, and I have deleted lots of people out of my life, I am on anti depressants so I am not a stranger to sadness and all that but I really do not understand what you are looking for.
Personally for me it has lots to do with loving and accepting myself and focusing on the good things in my life, which I have so many...little things that are just ordinary but are good.
Will everyone I meet just be thrilled to meet me, no probably not, because I don't want to be friends with everyone either and the older I get the grumpier I seem to get or the more annoyed with stupid stuff and stupid people. So, no, not everyone will be my friend and I am perfectly fine with that. I actually enjoy alone time but it is not always good because being alone can get me down.
I have reduced my friends to two handfuls of people who I care about and who seem to care about me, that is it.
Anyways, it seems to me that nothing anyone says or does is making you happy so you either should seek medical advice or you need to look at yourself and your life and try to find meaning in things you care about.
The question remains though, what would make you happy?

[matisse]

You have a chance to change things. Carpe diem or not...

[MarineAmp]

Apr 3, 2016 15:24:04 GMT -5 @tc123 said:

Apr 3, 2016 13:51:11 GMT -5 Tommy said:

Wear Sunscreen!

I forgot all about that song! Man. I happen to be the class of '99 too.

'99er here too. I love posting in the pity parties.

[Peony]

(Also same, for '99. Such a great time to GTFO of school!)

OP: Have you been to psychologists or counselors before? Almost any talk therapy is excellent at facilitating a lot of personal growth. It sounds pretentious, but obviously your own POV isn't cutting it, and you don't sound like you have a lot of other support. I'm an AB dev on the internet, so I don't know any of the realities of your life, but child abuse will continue to f**k you unless you do something about it. Antidepressants are also excellent, but they are just a very effective bandaid, you still gotta pry out all the bad stuff.

Also, we are alive at one of the most incredible times to be a human (in some ways, at least). There is so much knowledge out there, and so much still to be learned...astrophysics, botany, all those photos of Pluto, that Chimp who was left alone of an island after all of his family and his mate passed away (after having been put there for medical experiments), and hugged the f**k out of a lady who visited him and is trying to get him to live with other chimps, the noise aerogel makes when it's tapped...curiosity can be an incredible way to follow you nose to new happy places, as well as getting away from miserable thoughts.