Devs Only: Ending a relationship

[strawberrybubblegum]

Hey everyone,

This is a bit of a sad thread. I'm thinking of ending my relationship. We've been together for almost a year now. He's a C4 quad with no arm use and I thought I could handle that, but if I'm being completely honest, I can't. The whole situation is just too overwhelming and I often feel stressed out. I don't want my relationship to be stress factor in my life, after all it should be the other way around, right?

Anyway, I think after a while of struggling and thinking about whether or not I could handle this, I've reached the point where I realize I simply can't in the long run and I'm going to have to break up sooner or later. This relationship isn't going anywhere, his disability not being the only reason, but all the reasons leading back to it, if that makes any sense. I really wanted this to work out. I even somehow still think we should make it through this one year and when I'm back with him again, it will all be better again, too. (We started out as long distance, then we weren't for half a year, now we're back to long distance again, the plan was for me to move back in with/near him in one year). But deep inside I think that's also nonsense. So, as you see, I'm definitely not sure. I somehow know it's not going to work, but I don't want it to be over, either. I just don't know what to do.

My question now is, how have you guys handled break ups in your life? I've only had one relationship this far and it took me way too long to actually go through with the break up after realizing it was going to have to end. I'm trying to figure out if it's better to just do it quick ("the band aid method") or if it still makes sense to wait and see if it gets better. So, also, how do you know it's over for good?

Thanks everyone for reading, looking forward to your replies.

xo

[kat]

How do you know it's over for good? You often don't. That's the hard part. Sometimes people have doubts even after breaking up. But from what you've written, it sounds like breaking up would be the right call. It sounds like these are not temporary issues that can be fixed, but rather ones that will persist. You said it yourself - they're issues that you can't handle in the long run. And it's the long run that matters.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Wishing you strength, and I'm looking forward to see what others have to say.

[vegmama]

Hey strawberry,

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I think I can relate in many ways. I too was previously in a relationship with a C4 quad. Please feel free to private message me if you want to vent or talk. (He is also a member here, and out of respect to him, I don't want to post anything on the boards.)

Hang in there. <3

[devine]

Strawberrybubblegum, I'm wishing you all the strength you need to make your decision.

I think many of us have been there and I know the "too much to handle" part is a huge issue for me as well. I don't really have any advice for you, because breakups are always tough.

[eva]

 @tc123 what a great relationship experience! 

 strawberrybubblegum I mostly used "the bandaid method" and I'm friends with all my exes. I'm not saying it's the best way, but it worked for me. Being back to long distance could make it easier for you. Maybe you should just wait until you're used to not seeing each other very often before you tell him (I hope he's not on the board...).
I noticed that people who drag things out "not to hurt the other person" or for whatever reason, just manage to prolong the agony, because the one who's not ready will hang on to anything to keep their hopes up.

[orchid]

Sorry to hear that! I guess I thought I would contribute as a fellow quad dating dev. My bf is c4/5 so I guess I can slightly relate or understand where you are coming from and tbh some of your worries that you expressed on your post are some that have gone through my mind too.

What always helps me when I get stressed is to put things in perspective. Am I stressing cause of smth important or not? E.g. cause the cab is waiting outside and it is taking us way longer to get ready and I will start getting calls from the impatient taxi driver? Or am I actually worrying about smth more important like children, health or will my mother approve? Once I've sorted that out it helps me destress a bit.

If it is things that are disability related I always feel that the best way is to speak to my bf. He is very self aware in terms of the fact that when we are together I'm there to help him on my own etc and he is very understanding and forgiving if I happen to be in a bad mood about having to get up for the 10th time to get smth for him. Actually sometimes he is too nice. Anyway, my point is if you know what is bothering you do you think you could tell him? Rather than present to him your decision as final ? The reason I am saying this is that I always tell me bf is smth is wrong or worries me and we try and solve it together. Cause the truth is it can be hard to be with someone who I rather reliant on you for things. It just gets tiring. So you need to be able to spot when you are reaching your limit and tell your partner.

Now if you think that this is not smth you can do long term it is a very different discussion...and I don't know how to advise you but I'd you feel like chatting id be happy to talk more. Sometimes talking to someone who has experienced similar things helps.

Regarding long distance, we did that for two years until I took a step to move jobs and countries to be nearer. We've only been living close to each other for a few months but I'm loving it so far so I guess the gamble is paying off for the moment.

[polar]

I've never dated a PWD but I think these kind of things apply to all relationships. For me, there are always 2 kinds of issues in relationships: the temporary ones that we can just look over in the meantime, and the forever ones that are always lingering.

It's always hard at the beginning of a relationship because everyone puts their best foot forward and it's always butterflies and rainbows, but then the issues come, and some of them linger. There comes a time when you have to decide whether you are prepared to deal with these issues forever, maybe they are so serious that you cannot imagine a lifelong relationship with this person because of these issues. Then I think it's time to end it, because they will continue to eat at you and your relationship.

[LaMara]

Take it from someone who tends to drag relationships even after realizing they are failing, please don't do that strawberrybubblegum!
Every time I realize it's not going well with someone, I linger and wait because I don't want to be alone, and I don't want to make others suffer.
My one and only relationship with a pwd started going the wrong way after a few months and even if I knew he was not right for me, I waited and waited because he was so much more into me than I was into him, and I didn't want to be the bad guy. But it happened anyway because I was getting more and more stressed out and unhappy, and he noticed that.
In that case, it was not the disability itself that I couldn't handle, but the fact that he used it as an excuse for not doing things was definitely part of why I broke up with him.
Anyway, you're allowed to say "I can't deal with this". It doesn't make you weak, it doesn't make you a bad person. It just means that's not the right situation and you deserve to be happy in a relationship. If being with someone makes you stressed out and miserable, then better being alone.
And I agree, the quicker the better. Dragging it will just make it worse.

[strawberrybubblegum]

Thank you guys for your honest words and advice. I really appreciate it!

It's obviously a hard decision to make and I'm still trying to make up my mind. I don't know how long it'll take me, but I'm pretty sure the band aid method is not what works best for me. It makes sense at all, but I'm just not there yet.

I'm trying to take things slowly and relaxed and don't think too much about what might or might not happen. One day at the time, right? That helps with my worries...

Anyway, thank you all very much! Really. It's so good to know there's multiple virtual shoulders to cry on, as inky put it. You're the best!

Xo

[strawberrybubblegum]

Apr 17, 2016 11:54:25 GMT -5 @tc123 said:

I think you usually know in your gut if it will work long term or not. At least you have a good idea. If it's disability related, well you know it's not going to change, and it's not going to get easier. No matter how much you like being with him and you love who he is, if you arent happy in the life you live together, it probably won't work.
No matter what the reason, it's hard no matter what. Im sorry you're going through a rough time. I think it's sometimes a little more difficult with a pwd, because we often feel that they're the last pwd you'll ever meet again that you'll connect with. Just remember that may or may not be true, but that can't be a reason to hold a relationship together.

Thanks tc for your words. I had no idea you and your husband had gone through so much ups and downs at the beginning of your relationship. Sounds romantic in retrospect and from the outside, but I bet it was very difficult for you at the time.
I know you're right when you say the disability related problems aren't going to change and, if anything, it's only going to get worse. But at the same time, I love the guy and I don't want it to be over because of that. I often feel like he's worth it and I have to keep going. And then sometimes, I feel it's too big of a deal and that I cannot keep going or at least that the day will come when I can't. Like I said, I'm not quite there yet, but I think I will be at some point in the future.

And about the PWD part, luckily I don't think of it that way. That would only make things worse.

[strawberrybubblegum]

Apr 17, 2016 12:51:01 GMT -5 @inkdevil said:

Ah mate, I feel for you, I really do. I'm never sure whether the distance relationship thing helps to lend you an accurate perspective on things or not. Absence is meant to make the heart grow fonder, but it never had that effect on me - it just amplifies all my worries and concerns.

From what I remember, you never started out as a quad dev, right? You were a para dev? So I take my hat off to you for even going outside the parameters of what you thought was your attraction and dating a quad. Especially a high quad. I don't mean that in a derogatory way about quad guys at all - it's just that I'm very set in my ways with my attractions and I don't know if I could expand my boundaries, so I respect those who can.

It was never going to be an easy life, whatever dev coloured glasses you looked at it with, but it's not impossible if there are enough boxes ticked in your favour as a couple. It seems like there aren't enough to make you 100% sure that this is right for you.

What does your boyfriend think about your relationship? Is he referring to it in the long term? Why did the living together thing not work out? Can you talk to him about your concerns or will he sense desertion?

I'm not exactly the best person to talk to about staying with someone or leaving them, as I have a thousand good and bad things to think about my own situation, but I would favour the Band Aid method. It allows you to emote, compartmentalise, then think about other things. A slow death is a painful one and weighs heavy on your mind for a loooooong time. Can you take that extended stress?

Whatever happens, feel free to PM if you want a virtual shoulder to cry on, or someone to rant at. Xxx

Hey inky, thanks for answering. (: great to hear some more from you again!

I knew from the start it wasn't going to be easy, but I thought I could only truly know if I tried. I don't know if I've already failed. I don't know if he ticks all the other boxes, but I know that he ticks most of them. I'm just still trying to figure out if that's enough and it's worth all the bad things. Here's how I see it: I don't have a lot of experience with relationships, but I think there will always be something that bothers you and you need to get arranged to. It's just natural when people come together. So, in this relationship it's the disability issues. But every other thing works just fine. So, it's not enough yet to throw it all away. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's how I feel right now.

Hmm. Well, given his age and our age difference (he's 30 and I'm 22), he is/was looking for something long term to begin with. I remember one conversation when we were still figuring out if this is going to be something serious or not and I said something like: "Look, I don't need you to commit to this right now for the rest of your life or the next one, two or five years. We can be together and take it one day at the time, figure out if we want to be together. The only thing I need you to know is if you want to be with me today, next week and maybe next month. This is not about getting married and having children." and his response being: "Look, I'm almost 30. For me, this isn't just some fun relationship. For me it IS about settling down and starting a family." So, even if we're still aaaages away from even thinking about those things, I think, yeah, he's in for the long run.
Oh, the living together did work out just fine. In fact, it was really awesome even though it started out rather spontaneously. I just had to move back because of uni. My living in his city was only planned for half a year to begin with. But that's a reason I also want to hold on to this. When we were living together we were an awesome team and couple. I know it was just a very short period of time and we were probably on the highest of love highs at that exact time, but I never thought me living with someone would work out so smoothly.

I can talk to him about all of this just fine. He knows about all of my concerns, except for the part that I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to end it; but he knows about my doubts. He's very understanding and tries to take the most that he can off of me. For him it's also not easy. He struggles with the fact that he has to rely on me for so much. And the whole LDR doesn't make things any easier.

Thanks for the offer. I'm pretty sure I'll come back to that!

Xo

[strawberrybubblegum]

Apr 17, 2016 17:38:44 GMT -5 orchid said:

Sorry to hear that! I guess I thought I would contribute as a fellow quad dating dev. My bf is c4/5 so I guess I can slightly relate or understand where you are coming from and tbh some of your worries that you expressed on your post are some that have gone through my mind too.

What always helps me when I get stressed is to put things in perspective. Am I stressing cause of smth important or not? E.g. cause the cab is waiting outside and it is taking us way longer to get ready and I will start getting calls from the impatient taxi driver? Or am I actually worrying about smth more important like children, health or will my mother approve? Once I've sorted that out it helps me destress a bit.

If it is things that are disability related I always feel that the best way is to speak to my bf. He is very self aware in terms of the fact that when we are together I'm there to help him on my own etc and he is very understanding and forgiving if I happen to be in a bad mood about having to get up for the 10th time to get smth for him. Actually sometimes he is too nice. Anyway, my point is if you know what is bothering you do you think you could tell him? Rather than present to him your decision as final ? The reason I am saying this is that I always tell me bf is smth is wrong or worries me and we try and solve it together. Cause the truth is it can be hard to be with someone who I rather reliant on you for things. It just gets tiring. So you need to be able to spot when you are reaching your limit and tell your partner.

Now if you think that this is not smth you can do long term it is a very different discussion...and I don't know how to advise you but I'd you feel like chatting id be happy to talk more. Sometimes talking to someone who has experienced similar things helps.

Regarding long distance, we did that for two years until I took a step to move jobs and countries to be nearer. We've only been living close to each other for a few months but I'm loving it so far so I guess the gamble is paying off for the moment.

Hey orchid thanks for your post! I didn't know you were also dating a C4 quad, thought Melina and Vegmama were the only ones around here...
Anyway, I think that's really some good piece of advice. In fact, I can also always tell my bf what's bothering me and when it's been too much. He's very understanding, too, and as you put it, is also almost too nice. But venting helps A LOT. When I'm freaking out and I talk to him about it and I put things in perspective and really ask myself if I want to end the relationship over this, I come to the conclusion that I don't. But then I don't want to question the relationship every time I'm stressed by it, so I may need some other way to vent or not let the stress eat me.

Thanks for the offer, orchid. It really is great to talk to people who experience similar things! That's why I like this group here so much.

Xo