I Finally "Came out of the Closet"
Jul 22, 2016 10:53:08 GMT -5
spurs2000, cooks, and 23 more like this
Post by freya on Jul 22, 2016 10:53:08 GMT -5
Well, it's happened. For the first time in my life, I've told someone (two people, actually) that I'm a "Dev." These are two nurses I'm very good friends with. They're cool, open-minded ladies that are older than me, but you'd never tell by the way they act, they're so fun and charismatic. Sort of surrogate mothers but also good friends. Anyway, I had told them about the quad I was dating back in May. I had made it a point not to hide that he was disabled. At first it was tempting to skip over that part, but then I would've felt like a sell-out. I'd feel like it wasn't fair because, in a way, it would've meant that I was ashamed of that aspect of him, when I really wasn't. I was just afraid of being judged. So I said "screw that" and was totally honest. To thine own self be true, and all that jazz...
They weren't the only ones I told, I told my other friends, too. I got a lot of interesting reactions, ranging from "Oh wow, you are so kindhearted for taking pity on someone like that!" (Horrible...) to "Why would you do that to yourself?!" (Even WORSE
). My responses were always calm and patient: I liked him for who he was, his entire being, and the disability was only one aspect of that. No, I didn't mind the inevitable complications that would arise. Yes, paralyzed guys still have a sex drive (my one guy friend thought since some parts might not function it means paralyzed guys are asexual eunuchs. I laughed hysterically at that. We all know here that that is FAR from the case. 
), No, it doesn't "bother me" that he's in a wheelchair...blah blah blah. However, during these conversations, all I said was "it's not what's important. I don't mind" when this was obviously not the whole truth.
So he and I split up. C'est la vie. Now, I've said over and over that I'm done with AB dating. So, the issue was this: when I eventually met another guy in a wheelchair, what was I going to do then? One disabled guy may be a fluke, but TWO? In a row? It's a dead giveaway. Well, it happened, and here I am enamored with this wonderful, brilliant, funny, sweet, drop-dead sexy guy...in a wheelchair. And of course, I want to babble on and on about him to my friends, just like any girl would. I want to show off his pictures and say, "yeah, see him? That one's mine! Isn't he GORGEOUS?!" But, now there's a whole new level of risk. The risk of being figured out, of having to explain myself, of laying myself bare to judgment and condemnation...
I made my decision. I said "fuck it" because, well, this guy is really worth it. He's worth telling all my closest friends and family about with pride...about ALL aspects of who he is. I WILL show him off and giggle and act like a total girl. I will risk laying myself bare and saying "This is who I am, and he's the one I want." I didn't want to hide him away. So, I did it. I showed these two ladies, who I really like and trust, all the gorgeous photos I have. I held my breath when the inevitable questions came...they wanted to know why, why I would chose this? I had to explain... Now, did I use the words "Dev" or "devotee"? No. Frankly, no offense to anyone, but I never liked those terms. It's easier to have a one-word name for what we are, but I feel that it may alienate someone who has never heard of such a thing. So, I explained the best I could: I have an attraction to disabled guys. It's a preference more akin to being gay than a simple fetish in that I find AB guys less (if not at all) as attractive a disabled guy. It's not strictly sexual. It's an attraction that has been there since I was a young girl, and probably something I was born with... I tried my best to explain a tremendously complex, personal concept with complete honesty and without shame.
By the end, both of my amazing friends nodded their heads and said "I can understand that." Then, as if some great barrier had been crossed, I babbled on about him with the same giddy excitement, but with a newfound feeling of total authenticity. They agreed he is stunningly handsome, asked me about his personality, what we have in common...all the standard stuff. They asked being with him was what I wanted. I looked them straight in the eye and said "Yes."
It was a frightening risk that turned into exhilarating freedom, freedom I've never felt before. Now, will I suddenly start shouting about this from the rooftops? No. These were two very-trusted friends. I'm still at risk of being misjudged by others. But, it's a monumental step in the right direction, and one I would have never taken even a few months ago. Like I said...he's worth it... <3
They weren't the only ones I told, I told my other friends, too. I got a lot of interesting reactions, ranging from "Oh wow, you are so kindhearted for taking pity on someone like that!" (Horrible...) to "Why would you do that to yourself?!" (Even WORSE
). My responses were always calm and patient: I liked him for who he was, his entire being, and the disability was only one aspect of that. No, I didn't mind the inevitable complications that would arise. Yes, paralyzed guys still have a sex drive (my one guy friend thought since some parts might not function it means paralyzed guys are asexual eunuchs. I laughed hysterically at that. We all know here that that is FAR from the case. 
), No, it doesn't "bother me" that he's in a wheelchair...blah blah blah. However, during these conversations, all I said was "it's not what's important. I don't mind" when this was obviously not the whole truth. So he and I split up. C'est la vie. Now, I've said over and over that I'm done with AB dating. So, the issue was this: when I eventually met another guy in a wheelchair, what was I going to do then? One disabled guy may be a fluke, but TWO? In a row? It's a dead giveaway. Well, it happened, and here I am enamored with this wonderful, brilliant, funny, sweet, drop-dead sexy guy...in a wheelchair. And of course, I want to babble on and on about him to my friends, just like any girl would. I want to show off his pictures and say, "yeah, see him? That one's mine! Isn't he GORGEOUS?!" But, now there's a whole new level of risk. The risk of being figured out, of having to explain myself, of laying myself bare to judgment and condemnation...
I made my decision. I said "fuck it" because, well, this guy is really worth it. He's worth telling all my closest friends and family about with pride...about ALL aspects of who he is. I WILL show him off and giggle and act like a total girl. I will risk laying myself bare and saying "This is who I am, and he's the one I want." I didn't want to hide him away. So, I did it. I showed these two ladies, who I really like and trust, all the gorgeous photos I have. I held my breath when the inevitable questions came...they wanted to know why, why I would chose this? I had to explain... Now, did I use the words "Dev" or "devotee"? No. Frankly, no offense to anyone, but I never liked those terms. It's easier to have a one-word name for what we are, but I feel that it may alienate someone who has never heard of such a thing. So, I explained the best I could: I have an attraction to disabled guys. It's a preference more akin to being gay than a simple fetish in that I find AB guys less (if not at all) as attractive a disabled guy. It's not strictly sexual. It's an attraction that has been there since I was a young girl, and probably something I was born with... I tried my best to explain a tremendously complex, personal concept with complete honesty and without shame.
By the end, both of my amazing friends nodded their heads and said "I can understand that." Then, as if some great barrier had been crossed, I babbled on about him with the same giddy excitement, but with a newfound feeling of total authenticity. They agreed he is stunningly handsome, asked me about his personality, what we have in common...all the standard stuff. They asked being with him was what I wanted. I looked them straight in the eye and said "Yes."
It was a frightening risk that turned into exhilarating freedom, freedom I've never felt before. Now, will I suddenly start shouting about this from the rooftops? No. These were two very-trusted friends. I'm still at risk of being misjudged by others. But, it's a monumental step in the right direction, and one I would have never taken even a few months ago. Like I said...he's worth it... <3
