I guess I'm kind of one of those girls. I think part of the reason I keep vacillating between deciding if I'm a "true dev" or not is that it's something that's grown on me in recent years whereas a lot of you guys have said it's something you felt even as kids even if it wasn't figured out til later in life. My first wheeler friend was a guy I met online and as we clicked and planned to spend some time together in person, he felt the need to mention that he used a wheelchair as he'd been burned before by not mentioning it. That wasn't going to make a difference for me. I'm definitely not the kind of person that is going to backpedal like that's a deal breaker when we had already hit it off as friends. There was a little awkwardness as to what kind of help he needed and when he wanted assistance with things (since I was basically clueless in the beginning), but he was good about just asking or telling me in advance what the plan would need be logistically.
I suppose my point is that while I wasn't someone that was originally drawn to disability in the traditional dev sense, I've gotten there over time because I'm more comfortable with it just from exposure, from spending time with friends who use wheelchairs. I'd have no qualms about being in a relationship with a PWD now whereas I would have been hesitant a few years back, mostly just because I wouldn't have known what to expect or how it could work out.
Moral of the story for the PWDs, let the women like I used to be see you for the fun, interesting guys you are and we will find a way to get to know you better.
I'm curious about this too. Was this a dating site? Did you have intentions to find a guy and by chance met a guy with a disability who you didn't consider to be a romantic interest but only a friend?
I have so many questions for you!!
Do you find PWDs attractive in a lets-get-busy kind of way or is it more of a I-like-to-just-be-with-you kind of way? Is that a round-about way of saying it?
Is it an instant attraction you feel toward a PWD of your liking or are you in the process of figuring that all out?
I apologize if these are too personal; you can PM me if you'd rather but I'm sure there are other devs who would be interested to hear your devstory.
Good questions, Kivic. I'll try my best to answer them coherently. Ha. I guess if it's deemed this is too far off track of the intent of the thread, it can be moved elsewhere.
First off, I'll mention the fact that I am married for anyone that hasn't happened to notice that. We've been together for 15 years and are solid. That said, we both appreciate and spend time with friends, together and individually. Each of us have friends of the opposite sex and neither of us is worried the other is going to run off with someone else. That's just part of our bond. I'm not looking for romantic possibilities, but that doesn't mean I'm not attracted to people and imagine what life (or sex) would be like with someone I cross paths with. That's just part of the fun, but I'm definitely not looking to change my life there.
So on to your questions. It wasn't a dating site that I met said wheeler guy on. It was the good old List of Craig.
I was new to the area and managing a very small company where after a few weeks realized I wasn't going to meet many new people through work so I posted an ad to get to know someone local with similar interests that wanted to get together for coffee, lunch, whatever if we hit it off. He and I did and got to know each other awhile before we decided to meet up for coffee. In the midst of that he told me about his condition and that he used a wheelchair. Like I'd mentioned above, that didn't make any difference to me though I was still a little unsure of what I needed to do around it that first time or if we went somewhere new, but he pretty much told me if he needed something. It was easier for me to not have to figure out logistics (I always drove after our first meeting) in the way that he already knew the area and what/where was accessible, easiest, etc. We ended up hanging out quite a bit and even did stuff with the hubby too. We still keep in touch even though I've been moved away for a few years now.
Probably burst your excitement bubble with that since I wasn't looking for a romantic dating prospect or have any sage advice for dating websites. If I could use the common dating sites to look for platonic friends, I totally would. I love meeting new people and learning new things from them. That's ultimately how I found PD, actually. Another CL post (after reading Me Before You and then a few others) looking for someone with a SCI to befriend and learn about the things in their life that I realized I was still pretty clueless about, even after having been in medicine for 18 years. I had a lot of good responses and chatted with several for awhile. I'm still friends with a couple guys from that. Of course it's CL and for the 8 actual SCI individuals, there were twice that that were just dudes looking to hook up or send dick pics, but I've always had some really decent genuine guys respond anytime I've posted something (though I've never looked for a hookup or romantic thing). It's still CL and here's my disclaimer to be very cautious with anything online. You don't want to go meet someone and wake up missing a kidney, you know. And the risk isn't gender specific. Men are at just as much risk as women. Some of the scariest, most psycho people I've come across online are women.
One of the guys that responded to my ad was a male dev (whole other crazy story there) and told me about PD. Yay!
I know that's long-winded and seems off topic, but this all plays into how I've become aware of my devness and the stuff you originally asked. #devjourney.
Sounds like it ought to be a show on TLC.
You asked if I find PWDs attractive in a sexy-time kind of way or just hanging out kind of way. Both. It totally depends on the person though. They are just guys to me and as I'm not available for any romantic...liaisons, I don't pursue that avenue of it, but it doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. My inner nympho is caged, but always pacing. I can say that kind of stuff because I'm already married so even if I come off as forward, anyone here ought to know I don't actually mean it. The physical attraction is there, but it's person specific, personality specific as with any other AB guy I get to know too. The disability is definitely interesting to me and I have this insane urge to know more, know all the minutiae of what an individual's life is like living with whatever they deal with. Physical attraction for me, totally depends on how I click with someone and the kind of traits that I value. I don't find myself automatically or instantly attracted to a guy with a disability, even my "dev preference" as it's referred to at times here. I do however find myself more aware of them around me, like dev radar. I want to know more, meet them, get to know them and then if we have some kind of friendly click, that's when I find myself checking them out when they aren't looking. If anyone passing by caught me at that moment, I'd probably have the raised brow and sly half grin that'd would give me away!
For example, I've hung out with one of our members here several times (dinner, mall crawl, been by his house, music festival, etc) and sometimes find myself stealing glances at his quad hands (men's hands are a thing for me) and strong shoulders. Hey, I may be married, but I'm not dead! He knows all this and I think he gets a kick out of it. Still, that stuff is no different than I would notice on any other guy that I found physically attractive, but what really makes him hot is his personality and the kind of things that I value in a man and a friend, some of which are related to his disability and some are just the person he is regardless. Seriously ladies, I don't know how you've let him stay on the market this long.
Some of this stuff is why I mentioned I'm not sure if I fit as a dev in my intro. I've embraced it now, but I still vacillate on it because I see how a lot of the other devs describe their attraction and how mine just isn't like that, but then there's no way any two people would be identical anyway. I'm pretty sure that me being married since I was 18 has played into it. It's not like I've had the chance to explore it as a single woman and definitely why I didn't really figure out that it was something I'm preferentially attracted to until my mid 30s (even though I took college sign language classes in high school, went to school to be an interpreter and my work study job was reading texts onto tape for blind students...hmm
). It's like looking at a dessert menu and knowing it's not allowed by the particular diet you've committed to. I can enjoy the idea of all the deliciousness out there, but I don't take a taste, even though I know I'd love it if I did.
So the last few years have incrementally led me to be more aware of my devness, as we call it, and know that if I ended up single again for some reason, I would definitely be open to a relationship with a PWD. Not that I wouldn't have before, but I would have been far more hesitant just because of what I didn't know about how it could work (sex included because we all know that most AB folks don't know how the logistics of it all still work with various disabilities and a lot of people have zero creativity there. Eye roll). Now I know from all the people I've met throughout this very weird path I've taken, primarily using Craigslist (don't judge
), to clearly satisfy my inner dev and what I've learned from PD is that I would be very open to someone with a disability. But hey, they've got to be interested in me too. The road goes both ways and I'm not your average chick. Part of why I'm still working on figuring out this dev thing is because I can't fit it in a box all tidy. I don't fit in any one tidy box for anything though and I'm cool with that about myself nowadays.
I can tell you that I've discovered that I tend to be pulled towards SCI guys before I even know them. That's the one thing that I find myself interested in even before I know the person, which isn't usually the case for me. Guess you could call that my dev preference. Ha. Still, for me, it's all about the man in the chair. Not the chair the man is in. That's just a devvy bonus. The reason I see it as a bonus is because of what I posted in a thread in the devs only section, but it totally applies here: I happen to think it's got a lot of potential for an amazing relationship. Men with a disability, including SCI and most especially a higher level injury have dealt with some of the most complicated life changes out there. They've become some of the most interesting and sexy guys on the planet. They have learned how to deal with tough stuff in life and keep right on going. What better quality could you ask for in a life partner?
That kind of sums up why I'm here and why I dig the community here. Skinny or twisted legs, etc are always sexy on a man that rocks the hell out of his life no matter the cards he's been dealt.
I warned you all that my deep thoughts would be long and off on tangents in my intro! Hope that answers some of your questions about my path to figuring out my dev side since it's a little different than a lot of the devs here. I don't have any secret websites to tout, but I've successfully used the most notorious of all many times. No algorithm in the world can totally predict human nature and that nearly unexplainable way that two people click, whether as friends or for dating.
Since this thread was ultimately about dating websites and profiles, I'll add that I personally don't think there's only one person we can have a really awesome relationship with. All relationships are insane amount of work over the years and it's all about the kind of commitment you want to make to another person anyway. Figuring out what you actually want and what you value in a mate is probably one of the most helpful things you can do. In this age of internet and global connectivity, there's an inordinate amount of crap to sort through to find someone we want to bother spending time getting to know. It sounds stupid, but look at your profile like a cover letter for a job application. It's what sells yourself and shows the other party who you are, what you want and how you'd work into their wants and needs....and what gets them to message you and set up an interview. That's basically what a date is anyway. An interview to keep you in their lives or...not so much.
Maybe I'm just full of shit though. What do I know? My karma would take a dive if I sign up for any of that, even just for fun. I work with the public. I need all the good karma I can get!