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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2019 20:12:23 GMT -5
The dev thrill did fade for me even a few months into a relationship with a PWD. Part of that is I think because fantasy and reality is always slightly different. There were also times when I enacted a kink fantasy and it was fun but not as intense as in my imagination. Part of it is also that the novelty wears off over time. When you feel you are denied an outlet for dev fantasies, they can become more and more intense, but when it's right in front of you every day, it fades into the background. Physical attraction alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. That's true for everyone. I don't think we as devs need to construct any more complicated reasons. I wasnt meaning to construct more complicated reasons, but we're often questioned as devs if the disability is the main part of our attraction. I think its interesting to find out that it isnt the case.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2019 20:15:00 GMT -5
...and maybe there is also a difference to having a partner AB or PWD and having to keep the devness a secret which can cause issues or more intense dev longing. I can't imagine if I would have had to keep my devness a secret, I think that would have caused problems. Being able to be openly dev with my husband is a good thing. You seem to have a really open, great relationship with your husband dani. I was never able to do that with my AB exes which definitely caused problems.
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Post by linda on Oct 17, 2019 9:57:13 GMT -5
I had written a thread referring to this earlier here after my first encounter with a pwd. I was very surprised to realize back then that the dev phantasies that I used to have my whole life totally had stopped to work after my first sexual experience with a para. Even tough it was a good experience. But the phantasies were just gone, and this is still the case today, even though I‘ve really tried to get them work again, if you can put it that way.
I don’t know if I qualify for answering your question since I am still newly in love. But I do have a very nice relationship with my boyfriend, also the sexual part is great. But I don’t think it really has much to do with his disability. I just so much love his smell and being around him feels just right. I think I would feel the same about him if he was an AB.
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Post by robbb on Oct 17, 2019 10:15:21 GMT -5
I’m not sure my answer would be the one you are searching for because I don’t have a long term relationship with pwd but I have some kind of real time relationship and it’s definitely different from what I expect in areas you are talking about. I was super surprised to find out my pwd sex was not the best sex in my life ?! I always thought that I would experience nirvana with the first pwd I would fuck. You can imagine my surprise when that didn’t happen.... it’s so weird and hard to explain... I’m so into him I’m close to literally exploding but when we have sex it’s so overwhelming for me I cannot collect my thoughts and be in the moment. But what’s weirdest afterwards when I’m alone playing with myself I only use and replay moments from when we were together.... and same pictures work for me endlessly.... I don’t know what is the matter with me. I don’t know what would or will happen if I would be with this guy regularly.... we just made love like 7 times and I guess I’m so excited I cannot still believe he is real.... I literally have to remind myself that I’m experiencing the right thing finally when I’m with him... crazy. And I’m so overwhelmed I cannot relax or enjoy I really get what youre saying, the scenarios of our time together can arouse me intensely when im alone but when we're together i get really turned on by just ordinary things he does (i mean not during sex). Impossible to explain, i cant even make it clear in my own head. That makes perfect sense to me @delight. For a guy I'm not particularly sexual, I am more into intimacy than intercourse. I sometimes wonder if what I need is a para mate to do day to day stuff rather than a para sexual partner. R.
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Post by lisa on Oct 17, 2019 10:32:04 GMT -5
Sometimes I come to PD, read a new thread and am amazed that I can confirm all your observations for me. It's so great to have a place like this and to have you all willing to share these things. Thank you!
So, yes, I often find the everyday stuff much more attractive than any sexual situations. And when I first dated a disabled guy, it wasn't like I expected. Until today, I am much more aroused when I fantasize about disabled guys than when I am in such a situation in real life.
My AB partner knows about my devness and is fine with it. Maybe I can never appreciate this enough. I am (more or less) free to explore my dev feelings and while this is mostly an online thing, I am very lucky to have found someone who supports me in this aspect of my life and willingly listens to all my talk about it all the time ;-).
I don't have a lot of experience in long term relationships with disabled guys though.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2019 17:07:49 GMT -5
[/quote]That makes perfect sense to me @delight.
For a guy I'm not particularly sexual, I am more into intimacy than intercourse. I sometimes wonder if what I need is a para mate to do day to day stuff rather than a para sexual partner.
R.[/quote]
I like the idea of a para mate robbb, that sounds like a great compromise. Even in bed the things that arouse me arent sexual, its the way he lifts his legs to position them or holds the bed to turn himself. Obviously it makes the situation far more erotic but sex alone isnt the major turn on.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2019 10:04:16 GMT -5
For a guy I'm not particularly sexual, I am more into intimacy than intercourse. I sometimes wonder if what I need is a para mate to do day to day stuff rather than a para sexual partner. R. Sorry, my response ended up inside the quote box.... That could be me...I would love to find a guy who would be up for that because it would help me in my dev exploration and he could find fun in getting to know an awesome dev 😉 A "no strings attached" thing would be nice but not with sex in the forefront. I just want to hang out with a para for coffee and frienship and go from there. But that is boring for most guys, they don't want that, they want something out of it and lots of PWD believe that it is a purely sexual thing to be a dev so that is what they expect. At least that's what I have experienced so far. No one wants just friendship which is a bummer but that goes back to guys will be guys. So I highly doubt I will ever get to explore my devness in real 🙄
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Post by pam on Oct 18, 2019 10:19:17 GMT -5
Sorry, my response ended up inside the quote box.... That could be me...I would love to find a guy who would be up for that because it would help me in my dev exploration and he could find fun in getting to know an awesome dev 😉 A "no strings attached" thing would be nice but not with sex in the forefront. I just want to hang out with a para for coffee and frienship and go from there. But that is boring for most guys, they don't want that, they want something out of it and lots of PWD believe that it is a purely sexual thing to be a dev so that is what they expect. At least that's what I have experienced so far. No one wants just friendship which is a bummer but that goes back to guys will be guys. So I highly doubt I will ever get to explore my devness in real 🙄 This is exactly how I feel. Would like to be friends with a PWD but most want more than that. I also dont think I will get to experience my devness IRL😢
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Post by Emma on Oct 19, 2019 1:16:31 GMT -5
Add me to the mix of devs who are interested in getting to hang out with and be friends with a disabled guy. That is just as much of an interest of mine as having sex. It is interesting to me that so many of us feel that way.
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Post by newmn on Oct 19, 2019 8:09:44 GMT -5
Add me to the mix of devs who are interested in getting to hang out with and be friends with a disabled guy. That is just as much of an interest of mine as having sex. It is interesting to me that so many of us feel that way. I’m on that list too.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2019 14:05:28 GMT -5
@delight, I also know what you mean and can relate to what a lot of what’s been said already. I’ve got the long-term part of the scenario, but honestly I just don’t remember much about the early days (first 5 years or so) of dating and how I felt during that time. Not being an aware dev at that time, I didn’t really process any of this the way that some of you are now. It’s definitely a hard-to-explain phenomenon when you first start dating pwds I think- what we build up in fantasy is way different than reality; not quite as exciting in the ways you expected, but more exciting in ways you didn’t expect. My biggest question over the last 20 years that I have been cognizant of is “how much the disability plays a role,” and I still don’t know the answer. I can definitely say that I am different than linda and am certain that we would not have had the same connection or relationship if he was AB. I know the disability plays a part, I’m just not sure how much still to this day, so don’t expect to ever find an answer to this question anytime soon! The day to day stuff plays a much bigger part in it than the sexual part, that much I know. Thanks tc123, its interesting to read your thoughts as i know youve been together a long time. It definitely makes a difference once that initial romance settles down. Before i had this relationship, i was in the fantasy of how amazing 24/7 it would be with a pwd, that nothing would frustrate me or be a problem. But like ALL relationships the day to day stuff includes irritations and issues. I guess im trying to say that being with a pwd massively enhances my life but its not always a fairytale. Thanks for your input x
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2019 18:13:32 GMT -5
Hi ladies (and any guys too!) this is actually my first day on PD although I have been reading the site for a few days now since I came across it doing some research into why I had experienced certain thoughts and feelings and I wanted to join in and try to explore myself in more detail and I hope you all can help me do that!
Anyway this thread was the one that kept cropping up when I was doing my research and I've been reading the posts in a lot of detail and i can really relate to a lot of them.
I'm still quite young, i'm only 20, but I've dated two PWD guys (one SB and one SCI) so far and one of those guys was just a few months ago.
I never got properly sexual with the first guy in a physical sense but it was more the every day stuff that would heighten my thoughts and feelings towards him, which i now know were dev thoughts and feelings. The way he would shuffle his bum off his wheelchair before doing a transfer, the way he would lift his paralysed legs from the ground onto the footrest of his chair without being able to do any of that without the support of his strong arms lifting his weak legs and also the way he would look in the water when we went swimming and I would watch him using his arms to pull himself through the water and his weak, skinny legs would just kind of float along in the water behind him as he swam because he couldn't kick them himself.
All of that just really drove me crazy and in a good way but also in a way that i don't fully understand yet.
The second guy i had more of a physical relationship with and whilst the sex was fine, again it was more the mundane every day things he would do that would really turn me on - just lifting his legs up and into bed would be quite nice to me as it was so different to how i'd do it as i can obviously move my own legs and lift them up on their own without using my hands. I just find it really fascinating I think how a certain part of the body can just not work or function properly just like that and I just really like that in a PWD guy even more than I do about the sex.
Even writing that stuff feels so strange to me as I've never admitted any of this to anyone before, even online to strangers.
I hope I haven't put anyone off me already!
Thank you so much if you have managed to get to the bottom of this message, I'm sorry it's so long! I look forward to getting to know you all and finding out even more about myself and the other people in the dev community.
Thanks guys, Sophie x
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Post by kyliestarz on Oct 19, 2019 19:42:27 GMT -5
Hi Sophie and welcome! Writing is one the best things about PD - just getting it out, and expressing dev feelings. I’ve enjoyed reading your very devvy message. The idea of swimming with an sci, my goodness.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2019 3:36:52 GMT -5
Hi Sophie and welcome! Writing is one the best things about PD - just getting it out, and expressing dev feelings. I’ve enjoyed reading your very devvy message. The idea of swimming with an sci, my goodness. Thank you for the kind message. I changed my last message so many times before deciding what to post! I was so nervous about typing out what I liked in my previous partners. I actually carried around so much guilt for a while for being attracted to those things, the swimming one was just incredible for me though. Watching him slowly move his body through the water with just his arms moving and his legs being dragged behind and just floating in the water was just so lovely for me to watch. I think it was because I'd never seen someone move like that before it was so interesting to me and how a particular part of his body could be physically attached in exactly the same way as anyone else but somehow it just didn't work or move in the same way as everyone else. I've been trying to figure out why I liked the things I do and I think this forum and talking to you all will really help to bring out my confidence as I'm still pretty shy about it all.
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Post by lizzy on Oct 21, 2019 19:01:33 GMT -5
Hi sophie - Apologies for the late post. I recognise so much of my younger self in you. Keep posting - I did x
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