First date tips

[Nate]

Nate's Guide to Going on a Date with a Person with a Disability (PWD)

Step 1: Know beforehand that the PWD is, in fact, a PWD.  If you met him through an online dating platform, for example, read his profile and look at his pictures.  When he tells you that he can't travel far to meet you for coffee because he doesn't drive because he is physically disabled, he probably means it.
Step 2: When you're at the Starbucks and the PWD you've agreed to meet for a date shows up and offers to buy you a coffee, don't tell him that you're "waiting for someone."

Step 3: After failing Steps 1 and 2, don't then tell the PWD that you're suddenly not feeling well and subsequently abort the date by running the hell out of the coffee shop.

Hope that helps. 

[Deleted]

It depends a lot on how you met the person ? If it was online, then presumably they would have had a profile and maybe a few pictures, so it will be obvious to them that you’re already aware of their disability.
The disability shouldn’t be the only thing that attracted you enough to go on the date, so use the other things you have in common to chat about. Keeps things easy going but if the disability crops up in conversation, then don’t ignore it. You should be able to pick up quite easily whether your date wants to discuss it or not.
My partner and various friends all say that they don’t mind discussing their disability....but they’d like to get to know people a bit first. They’re not keen on strangers just launching into the personal questions etc.
You’re going on a date with someone you are attracted to, it’s just a regular first date. Don’t treat them differently.

[Deleted]

I feel there are a lot of questions in the original post. Some have probably been addressed in the past. If you look around a little on old threads and topics you may find a lot of information.

But I also feel you shouldn't treat a PWD different than any other date. Of course depending on what type of disability the person has, accessibility is important and for that I would think it would be a good thing to let them choose the location but make sure it is a public place, nothing shady and weird.

And depending on what kind of date this is and if it leads to something more physical I would let the natural flow happen. I don't think I would totally focus on the disability topic, I would treat the person like any other person and see where the conversations take you.

[devogirl]

Dec 11, 2019 17:14:21 GMT -5 Nate said:

Nate's Guide to Going on a Date with a Person with a Disability (PWD)

Step 1: Know beforehand that the PWD is, in fact, a PWD.  If you met him through an online dating platform, for example, read his profile and look at his pictures.  When he tells you that he can't travel far to meet you for coffee because he doesn't drive because he is physically disabled, he probably means it.
Step 2: When you're at the Starbucks and the PWD you've agreed to meet for a date shows up and offers to buy you a coffee, don't tell him that you're "waiting for someone."

Step 3: After failing Steps 1 and 2, don't then tell the PWD that you're suddenly not feeling well and subsequently abort the date by running the hell out of the coffee shop.

Hope that helps. 

Very funny Nate but this is obviously about a non-dev person. To give a serious answer, there are some things to keep in mind as a newly self-aware dev trying to date online for the first time:

1. Know beforehand that the PWD is, in fact, a PWD. Sadly, there are pretenders who prey on devs and pursue us aggressively. Always ask to video chat and don't believe any excuses about a broken camera etc. Keep your BS detector turned all the way up, watch out for guys who talk about nothing but their supposed disability, and if someone sounds to good to be true he probably is.

2. Don't put up with crap from a PWD that you would never tolerate from an AB guy. Yes, life is harder for a PWD but don't make that an excuse for him to treat you badly or take advantage.

3. Don't stay in a bad relationship because you are afraid you will never meet another PWD again or because you are worried about what your friends/family will say when you are dating PWD #2, 3 or 4.

[quietriot]

Re: finding an accessible place for a date, I’d take the middle ground- you don’t have to go out of your way to call the owners of the establishment, but at the same time don’t choose a place that you know for a fact won’t be equally accessible for both parties. If it were me and my date suggested a place in good faith, but it wasn’t accessible, I wouldn’t be too miffed. But then again, everyone is different.

Similar to other posts, I’d be fine talking about my disability but not as the only topic of conversation. More intimate questions about bathroom and sex stuff would probably put me off too.

[lars]

There has been said something about PWDs generally preferring to be approached just like you'd approach any other eligible, sovereign adult. The disabled aren't some monolithic group, and the experience of how one's life turns out to be colours that experience a lot, and I may be prejudiced to say so, but what I'm writing is coloured by someone who came into this with an acquired disability. When it comes to relationships, dating and sex, it's the kind of part of the life of a disabled man that's best approached after coming into an equilibrium about one's own ( disability/identity/self-esteem/body-image issues etc ), and that often takes a while. Dating, relationships and all that used to frighten the shit out of me for years - Then again, the disabled aren't some monolithic group; and we're perhaps a group that's characterized by the way of how different the outcomes can be; No two disabilities turn out to be the same, as the way how life, health and what not shape out lives and sets it in a framework that exists within AB world but that has quirks of its own.

My take on it? Don't worry about things being awkward or being rude, but to answer to some of your questions: I think it's fun to find a place together and it's easy to do online. If it's a nice first date or whatever exciting, it's not a bad idea to check that the place is accessible to or at least, and as a PWD, to be aware of how many surprises you can handle, should the need arise. Coming into a new, exciting date with a bit of confidence is way easier with a manual/power chair, if mobility isn't going to be a big issue. Accessibility as an possible issue can vary greatly, and should I imagine myself as a fresh off the boat Baby Para, I'd be greatly delighted if my date would just be accommodating and helpful about accessibility/potential issues with disability, without making too big of a fuzz about it. Low key, excited and prudent in research!

Physicality, intimacy, talking about how disability affects one's.. Well, how the F does everything work? How is it to be a disabled man going on an exciting date? It's at the core of what used to be so difficult for me as fresh off the boat Para, and as long as I remembered those things being a hurtful issues to talk/think/process, at least for me an exciting date like this was something that I approached not just with excitement and all things AB, but with powerful sense of fear of being.. something completely alien and different, in a bad way? Not good enough? All these comparisons and not an idea of how I should be, completely unfinished in the long road of building an identity that was both disabled and that I felt good and confident about? It's difficult to put into words. Things getting physical was both longing for something that I had, yet being an AB man in a freshly acquired disabled body that I had deep issues with? Fuck no. The thought used to make me feel genuinely afraid, which is funny in retrospect.

I don't think there's much to say, do or help if someone's very much raw in the process of becoming something new and different, especially if one doesn't want to let go and be something new and different. If you're looking to date a disabled guy with some hopes for it to get physical some day - you're out of luck if he's having great problems talking about that shit, dawg. And if it's difficult, how much of fun you're both going to have?

Once a man has learned to piss his pants in front of a lady, A man gets either destroyed or he gains some confidence. Girls like that, I've been told.

A pro tip for my disabled homies, Watch Rick and Morty, wear diapers, smoke weed and bee freeee, confident mofos who do not smell like piss or look like goblins! Not getting shitface hammered on alcohol also helps not to piss your pants. Wearing diapers also helps in smugging Mega Seed through interdimensional customs, should the need arise some day.

I hope some people find this useful.

[quietriot]

Dec 11, 2019 20:41:56 GMT -5 lars said:

A pro tip for my disabled homies, Watch Rick and Morty, wear diapers, smoke weed and bee freeee, confident mofos who do not smell like piss or look like goblins! Not getting shitface hammered on alcohol also helps not to piss your pants. Wearing diapers also helps in smugging Mega Seed through interdimensional customs, should the need arise some day.

I hope some people find this useful.

I’ll bet the results are better if you piss yourself before going through customs 😎

[quietriot]

A random aside: I always disclose my disability before going out in a date nowadays. One time I didn’t, and I guess the other person hadn’t looked at my pictures all that closely because when we saw each other for the first time they asked me “so do you need that wheelchair or do you just use it for fun?” I didn’t have a good response sadly. I’m laughing thinking about it now, what a bizarre thing to ask 😆

[lars]

A joke never hurts. Neither does using some common sense, such as not talking about bathroom stuff while enjoying your first coffee date and it's 15 minutes into the date. It's allright to be curious and to ask, but a little bit of familiarity and closing some space before asking absolutely everything is prudent. You never know what you're really dealing with with a PWD when it comes to our own personal journeys and where we're at. There's also so much more to this than the experience of some dudes who use a manual, which itself defines what my realistic issues and workarounds are. Then again, having a power chair in the winter doesn't certainly make your life more difficult, and it may allow and facilitate you to explore new activities also if you happen to live in some winter wonderland. I wonder if I'm going to mess up my shoulder some day into such a shape that driving electric is not only smart, but necessary?

Haha, I'm not trying to start here some epic Quad/para war, btw! But accessibility, for some it matters less, for some it matters more, but when it's something on wheels, it's safe to assume it matters and makes it easier to have a nice experience to discover whatever the F it turns out to be

[Green]

From any dates I've been on, they never said anything that I found rude or a turnoff. I think it's because for them to even go on a date with me, they already have a pretty healthy mindset. So rude things don't happen to me. The only thing I can think of is if they got all weird and apprehensive when they saw me. It's better for them to straight out ask the question than be nervous about asking.

If you want to pick a place to meet, just do that, don't make it any different than another date with an able-bodied person. Once you pick the place, just call ahead or look up if they are accessible. Or maybe ask your potential date anything you should ask about when you call about accessibility. But get used to the idea that your plans might not work out and you will have to improvise when you get there! Sometimes even I've had to change the place I picked when I get there because it wasn't accessible in the way that I thought.

I think physical differences in abilities to just be brought up when relevant. If you want to hug them, you might ask if they can put their arms around you. If you wanted to go to a carnival, ask if they can even do any of the games (don't necessarily assume that can't, maybe they like the atmosphere regardless) When it comes to sexual stuff though, I would talk about it beforehand.

By person or messaging, I think it really depends on many things. I usually prefer in person, but sometimes it's just easier by messaging so things can be more spontaneous later.

[californiapara]

Honestly just enjoy yourself and be yourself.

There isn’t a generic answer because people are just too different. Personally I really appreciate it when people offer help even if I don’t need it and I’m happy to answer any questions people might have. I’ve met people with similar levels of injury who are the exact opposite. Get to know the person and what their individual preferences are.

Also being respectful and considerate goes both ways: while you need to understand that your date might not want to (and probably shouldn’t) talk about bathroom routines or anything similar, your date can’t expect you to know and understand everything from day one either and should be patient with you as well