wisty
New Member
Devotee single
Posts: 27
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Post by wisty on Apr 17, 2021 18:10:37 GMT -5
I think for me, I just am, having these attractions is intrinsic in me and not as a reaction to anything that happened to me or any thought process I had, I mean I tried really hard to suppress the feelings but they didn’t go away! I do wonder if it’s genetic.
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Post by koala on Apr 17, 2021 19:28:57 GMT -5
I think for me, I just am, having these attractions is intrinsic in me and not as a reaction to anything that happened to me or any thought process I had, I mean I tried really hard to suppress the feelings but they didn’t go away! I do wonder if it’s genetic. I also tried to suppress/hide/ignore my attraction for most of my life, but it never worked...obviously. All it ever did was cause me to feel those feelings even stronger because the only way to suppress it was to THINK ABOUT IT, thus drawing more attention to it. I do feel like there is a biological component to it...like our brains are just hard wired that way.
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Kahanah
Junior Member
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Gender: Female
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Post by Kahanah on Apr 17, 2021 21:08:07 GMT -5
I feel like if it was for a nurturing standpoint, I’d be attracted to all kinds of disabilities. Mine is very specific. 🤔
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ons
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Single
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Gender: Female
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Post by ons on Apr 21, 2021 11:07:05 GMT -5
Back from a very long hiatus and while I haven't read every single input to this thread, I think I can safely assume the discussion.
I have given up a long time ago trying to work out the WHY of my devness for a variety of reasons, but mainly because it was driving me insane trying to understand.
Whilst this is the case for me, my follow up question is...WHY do I feel compelled to come back here after long absences? I do admit I haven't felt my dev urges for nearly a year but that could be due to work becoming hectic at the height of Covid.
I think I have finally mastered how to turn this off, but somehow it manages to creep up.
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Post by mike on Apr 21, 2021 11:55:03 GMT -5
Consider these two things: 1. There are some things that are usually unknown. Why is someone attracted to anything, even normal things like blue eyes? 2. Some things are looked at from a different angle. What I mean is this: imagine a lightening strike right at your toes. One way of thinking about that is "Why there?". "Why there" is unanswerable, but it had to hit SOMEWHERE, so although it's random where it hits, you could always point to where it did hit and ask yourself "Why there?"
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martink
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Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by martink on May 24, 2021 14:54:38 GMT -5
I have been thinking about this question often since I joined PD and started reading posts and learning about the community. It seems to me that there are two specific factors at play for Devs.
The first factor is sexual attraction to PWD. (I can’t speak to that since, I'm not a dev, and it still boggles my mind, in a good way, that someone could find me attractive.)
The second is your ability to empathize and understand exceeds most people’s. You know how there are smart people, and then there are geniuses, and there is an obvious difference—that’s how I feel a dev’s capacity to understand, compares to someone with a normal level of compassion. It’s a quality that I have also observed in most of the psychologists I have encountered. I know their training is part of it, but there is something in their natural disposition that makes them that way. You are the same. Because of this you adopt our struggles; our causes become your causes. This provides a level of support and demonstrates a sense of deep affection, that we rarely experience. I think this second quality is what makes Devs truly special: humanity.
I think both of these factors must be present to be a dev and have a relationship with a PWD.
I have know people in my life who definitely met the first criteria, and could understand me, but I’ve never known anyone (I assume some women I was friends with may have been, but I was never aware it) who thought about me as criteria #1.
I think I have come to the right place to meet people who display both 1 and 2.
What do other people think?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2021 15:51:13 GMT -5
This is interesting bc it seems like it’s different for everyone. I, too, was fascinated with disability as a kid. I had planned to become a physical therapist at one point, but life happened, and I never pursued it. But I didn’t realize there was a sexual attraction attached to that fascination until my mid 20’s. For me, I was married to a soldier who was KIA in Iraq. Had he survived, he would definitely have been an amputee and possibly had other disabilities as well. Before that, I had never really been around any PWD, so I didn’t realize I was attracted to it sexually. But thinking about what life would/could have been like if he’d made it home was the first time I realized that certain disabilities were actually attractive and a turn-on for me. I’m also REALLY attracted to the determination and strength that I imagine come from living with a disability. Finally, I know that I want to be loved not just “in spite of” my perceived flaws, but because of them, because they are a part of me. I want to give that kind of love to someone else, too. So it’s kind of equal parts physical and mental/emotional for me, personally.
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Post by feelsunshine on Jun 8, 2021 12:17:20 GMT -5
I'd love to know what some of your Whys are related to your disability/devness. You might not ever get any answers, but I think it will be fun to hear what kinds of things you all ponder when your minds are left to wander I think it's human nature to wonder why when we can't make sense of an aspect of life, and some of the things I've wondered about over the years continue to pop up on a regular basis. For example, I always wonder why disability. Of all the things a person can possibly be attracted to, why is mine disability? I never had any experiences related to PWD as a child...I never even saw a PWD in real life until I was in my teens, but my fascination started MUCH younger than that. I know some sexual attractions or fetishes are the result of early life experiences, in which case the why makes sense, but in my case, the why has always been a mystery. On top of that, I think we can all agree that disability is also an unusual trait to be attracted to. The general population may be able to wrap their head around being attracted to someone who HAPPENS to be a PWD, but I doubt very much that they can even begin to fathom being more attracted to someone BECAUSE they are a PWD. So I also often wonder why some of us have evolved to find that particular physical attribute desirable. And finally, I wonder why I prefer certain types of disabilities over others. The world of devs is so multi-faceted, and each of us has very unique tastes when it comes to the types of disabilities that really do it for us vs those that don't. WHY is that, and where do those preferences come from? I know I'll never have actual answers to these whys, but I still think about them often anyway because the whole concept is so fascinating to me. I never gave the “why” much deeper thought actually. I just knew and accepted that my attraction is the way it is. I think at some point I however started to see my attraction as a thing that nature does in order to make sure that there’s a mate or match for everyone. while it seems that many AB-non-dev people tend to oversee or can’t even imagine a relationship with a PWD, a PWD is actually the best thing that could happen to us devs. Who knows, maybe the global percentage of devs is similar to the percentage of PWDs. I wouldn’t be surprised.
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Post by kwhi on Jun 8, 2021 19:29:02 GMT -5
I'd love to know what some of your Whys are related to your disability/devness. You might not ever get any answers, but I think it will be fun to hear what kinds of things you all ponder when your minds are left to wander I think it's human nature to wonder why when we can't make sense of an aspect of life, and some of the things I've wondered about over the years continue to pop up on a regular basis. For example, I always wonder why disability. Of all the things a person can possibly be attracted to, why is mine disability? I never had any experiences related to PWD as a child...I never even saw a PWD in real life until I was in my teens, but my fascination started MUCH younger than that. I know some sexual attractions or fetishes are the result of early life experiences, in which case the why makes sense, but in my case, the why has always been a mystery. On top of that, I think we can all agree that disability is also an unusual trait to be attracted to. The general population may be able to wrap their head around being attracted to someone who HAPPENS to be a PWD, but I doubt very much that they can even begin to fathom being more attracted to someone BECAUSE they are a PWD. So I also often wonder why some of us have evolved to find that particular physical attribute desirable. And finally, I wonder why I prefer certain types of disabilities over others. The world of devs is so multi-faceted, and each of us has very unique tastes when it comes to the types of disabilities that really do it for us vs those that don't. WHY is that, and where do those preferences come from? I know I'll never have actual answers to these whys, but I still think about them often anyway because the whole concept is so fascinating to me. Wow, your question is so wonderfully articulated, it is clear you are a well thought through person. I don’t think any single person dev, or PWD is able to provide you anything close to a comprehensive answer. But you ask excellent questions. Sexuality for any human being is an endless enigma. The attraction in our community is difficult to pin point in that it carries a strong negative connotation. As legit as devotee sexuality is, I don’t think any devotee groups will be joining in any Rainbow pride parades anytime soon. So this is a tough one. As a chair user I have almost 20 years of experience in this particular community, and as a person with an acquired disability, I have what I think is a well tempered perspective. Highly devotee positive. So I hope you begin to find some answers to your questions. Feel free to Pm ME if you wish. Cheers.
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frenchgirl
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Posts: 69
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Relationship Status: Single
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Post by frenchgirl on Jun 21, 2021 17:42:41 GMT -5
I had a fascinating conversation with a male dev once who hypothesized that devness springs from a desire for self-acceptance. For example: if you have a hard time accepting your physical self how it is, you can derive immense pleasure by proxy via intimacy with a disabled partner who is physically “less than" by societal standards, but is comfortable in their own skin and vulnerably opening themselves up in such condition. If you can help them to feel even more comfortable and accepted, so much the better. That is what you really wanted for yourself when you were in your formative years. So the idea or fantasy of experiencing acceptance for and with a disabled partner is quite orgasmic because it's so very close to exactly what you want for yourself in your core. Very interesting take, no? This taps into something for me as well. I also started thinking that as a child I was always terrified of pain - I never broke a bone, never took any risks while playing and refused to even get my ears pierced because I thought it would hurt too much. And I wonder if this is a parallel situation - I am scared of getting hurt and avoid it, but people do get hurt and when they do, someone needs to be there for them and make it ok? On the other hand, that wouldn't explain any specific preferences, like, why blindness, why below the knee amputee etc.? So I think it must be a combination of a few factors that came together by chance, but at the same time, there must be something that predisposes humans who are exposed to these factors to put them together in a particular way and develop these preferences and attractions (which may be the same thing that predisposes people to other attractions, whether to personality traits or physical traits). I'd like to see a lot more science on this actually, which I know is very difficult to find. I was even thinking of starting a thread on scientific studies that we found about devs, and potentially other topics like fetishes, BIID, wannabes, whatever, because I know there are a few psychologists and academics among us, and I'm sure a lot of people have searched for this stuff out of curiosity. You should start a thread on that, it's a very good idea!
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frenchgirl
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Posts: 69
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by frenchgirl on Jun 21, 2021 18:35:47 GMT -5
ahah no indeed, i'm not sure we'll be joining the Rainbow pride parade soon....... As for myself (sorry for my bad english), First it is such a relief for me to have found you guys, devs, who are suprisingly like me on many very specific things, its kind of chocking loL!, and PDW,who are open to us, devs, trying to understand and not freaked out by us. I also like you guys openness on the questions. I feel we can talk here, among grown ppl, without being juged. I've also been trying to understand why this specific attraction... I've been wanting to understand because I was disturbed by it. First, it is very uncommon and second, how do you tell your partner you are attracted by his disability.. I would'nt want someone to be attacted to something i dislike about me. So, its just very complicated. I think above all the comments above, the one about wanting to accept our own body throught someone elses makes sense for me. One of my personnal hypothesis is 'the fear of abandonnement', being involved in this attraction. By having a partner who needs our help for certain tasks, or just presenting the image of, might be reassuring for a person with such a fear. To feel needed would be reassuring. It might play somewhere in the unconscious mind. My psychologist seems to agree on that one. When we talked about it, he tried to put emphasis on the dependancy. I am not to sure about that aspect. I would'nt like a super big dependancy on me. But some, i guess i would So it might be it. I was thinking of that hypothesis because I know I fear abandonnement/rejection a lot, so I just make 1+1 here. You make your own idea on it. On the other hand, i once was in couple with a very dependent partner (able body), not physicaly dependant but, you know, emotionally dependent, and i wasn't really attracted to him. So... I don't know. I am a very sensitive person, not very confident. I was often touched when seing bullying at school and would empathize a lot with the person being bullied. I've been a bit too, or felt often appart from the others at school, even in my own circle of friends. I've never really felt really accepted in my own family. It might have something to do with my will to accept someone with his difference. Fix ourself... myself though somebody else? It's a bit uncomfortable for me to post that, but i'll do it anyways. I feel I openned a lot on me. I just hope it's okay.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2022 16:46:49 GMT -5
I also tried to suppress/hide/ignore my attraction for most of my life, but it never worked...obviously. All it ever did was cause me to feel those feelings even stronger because the only way to suppress it was to THINK ABOUT IT, thus drawing more attention to it. I do feel like there is a biological component to it...like our brains are just hard wired that way. It's been a while since the last comment but I simply identified with your words. There were a lot of whys in your opening post and I don't know if after more than 1,5 years you finally got the answers. If you did, let me know .
My first true love was a PWD. The most caring and sweet person you can imagine. But... some good day he ended up in a wheelchair. Independent at some degree but he always needed help for a lot of things. His disability didn't come alone as he got several other diseases all together. But in all the time we spent together, he never asked himself "why". Once I asked him if his attitude wasn't a bit too conformist.
His answer was: "First I don't see how asking me 'why' or 'why me' could help me. Second, it would imply 'why me... and not somebody else'. Believe me, I don't like this situation, but it's something I simply cannot wish anybody else". Now it doesn't translate 1:1 to wondering why we feel this kind of attraction but... it helped me stopping to desperately search for a cure.
I have an acquaintance who once told me: " If you are into this dev stuff, it is completely fine, because you are not abusing anybody and it's not something illegal". So I think mike has a point when he asks: "why is someone attracted to blue eyes?"
Don't get me wrong, sometimes I still feel like I'm in a roller coaster and have a low but... a PWD wrote recently: "... because I found devs as a blessing". So... the " why" is most probably never going to go completely away. But instead of trying to explain every facet to it or getting rid of it... you can share it with others and work on dealing with it and maybe feeling more comfortable with it.
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