Devs Only: Regrets

[lisa]

First I thought about posting in the old, but still great thread on dev desires in our twilight years, but I think my question is a bit of a different nature.

Since turning 30 and acknowledging the fact that I have never had a fulfilling relationship or a satisfying sexual encounter with a PWD, I can't seem to distract my thoughts from this perceived "problem". I know, there are (hopefully) still many more years to come and hopefully at some point I can be more at peace with either the lack or existence of such an encounter, but at the moment I am struggling to decide which focus to set in my life. Haven't I already let pass my whole twenties in which I was sexually almost not active at all? How many years will I still be attractive enough or physically able to do such things? Will this even be long enough to meet someone with who I could connect on a physical and mental basis? And, is it even so important? Maybe a life with only solo dev sexuality is totally fine too?

My libido seems to have increased only in the past few years, so it's not a big surprise that I didn't much act on it in the beginning of my twenties. This was also the time when I first realized my devness, so I needed some time to process it all. Maybe I should also add that I feel a general desire to live more openly as a dev. I'm working on that one and this might be an easier task, but there are still doubts and fears that I have. But maybe this would be a solution, doing this instead of hoping to experience something that might never happen.

I am not expecting you to answer these questions for me, but maybe someone wants to share about whether you have dev-related regrets as the years go by. Any things that you wish you would have done sooner or at all?

[devogirl]

Oh yes, I regret wasting so much time on guys who were not right for me, just because they were PWDs and I thought I would never meet another one. I also wasted a lot of time on AB guys too though. I had this feeling that I needed to do everything I could to make the relationship work. I didn't understand the difference between showing up for a worthy partner vs trying to solve the unsolvable problem of an incompatible relationship.

I know I've talked about this a lot already so maybe you are hoping to hear from someone else, but I think all you can do is keep trying to meet PWDs and stay open to ABs if the right guy comes along. I really think all young single devs should try dating PWDs but be realistic that the exact right PWD guy for you might not exist. And your 30s is still young. I had way more relationships in my 30s than in my 20s, and generally felt more confident about going for what I wanted.

[myrrh]

You and I are about the same age.

Some women will want a lot of sexual encounters, and that's totally fine. For me personally, I found that I need to feel chemistry with a person before sex is even marginally appealing. There were times when I was trawling for local PWD to hook up with, and I usually found my initial attraction to them would dwindle after we'd chatted a bit because the chemistry just wasn't there. I could have been less choosy, but seeking out experiences just for the sake of having experiences wasn't what I wanted. So now I don't have a big book of crazy PWD sexcapades to talk about, and I'm ok with that. If you asked me 5 years ago, I probably would have told you I was frustrated, but in hindsight I think I would have more regrets if I'd tried forcing sex with incompatible partners just because they were PWD.

I think the most important thing is to keep your ears and eyes open, and jump at opportunities if they seem appealing. I don't regret not having oodles of sex with PWDs, but I would regret it if I'd never tried. As long as you're actively seeking opportunities, I think you just have to do what's right for you personally. Make changes if you're feeling regrets. Mindful change, good change. It's too easy to overcompensate and end up with a terrible tattoo.

[ayla]

I'm not sure if I would call them regrets, exactly, because looking back I know that I did the best I could with the tools and situations I had to work with at the time. However, from my vantage point of being 37 and 15 years into a relationship with an AB, I can say that I wish I had opened my heart to my devness sooner in life. If I had really let myself explore in my 20s I would've seen what was "missing" in my AB partnership, and I might not have been so willing to commit to a monogamous married life. I love my husband but he is more of a companion to me than anything else, and has always been. For the longest time I was quite happy with that arrangement since I believed myself to be either asexual or somehow libido-deficient. But, since allowing myself to explore, I have realized that I am neither of those things: I'm just in a relationship with someone who doesn't push my dev buttons. He knows this, and right now it's unclear whether or not that is a dealbreaker for him and/or me. We are both doing some deep soul-searching and personal growth on the matter. It may sound sad but actually it's quite an exciting time and I do know that whatever the future holds, I will feel more alive having accepted and integrated my devness than I ever felt while pushing it away. So, I believe that it's never too soon nor too late to truly get to know yourself...but I do somewhat regret not doing it sooner.

[feelsunshine]

Do I regret things I've done in the past? - Yes, I do.
Did they help me figure out what I want? - For sure!

I think in any layer of our past, there will be things we regret having done, however, they all helped to turn out the people we are right now.

Don't pressure yourself too much!
I know this always sounds totally lame to hear that from someone who is in a somewhat mentally stable position right now. But I've been where you are. And I feared that I'll never experience "it". But it just somehow happened that I found a wheeler guy I started a fwb thing with and I just mentioned it in another thread: even though we haven't defined it as a romantic relationship, he has given me more than any of the AB guys before ever did. And even if this thing between us ends tomorrow, I will probably always look back to it as the best time in my life so far.
Am I in love? - If I read back what I just said, I believe so. - Is he in love? - No he's not. But he has the best ability to give me that feeling. And for me that's what counts right now.


I can relate to what ayla said, having thoughts of being asexual or libido-deficient.... In the end, I know, that my former AB guys, even though they were visually my type and being on the same wavelength, the dev buttons were missing. So I also often thought, that my libido is at it's lowest. But it just were the guys I didn't match with. And with my longest AB relationship of almost 5 years - I regret that I've invested these five years in a guy who wasn't right. And I should have seen it at the very beginning. We'd probably still be together, if he didn't mess it up. And believe me, girls, it's not just a saying that "he messed it up" because it always takes two people to mess up a relationship. No... in this case HE messed it up big time.
BTW, I also wasn't really sexually active in my twenties. my 5-year relationship was from 27-32. And as I said, this was also the time where I thought my libido is broken or I might be asexual.
Only after this relationship I really started to dig into my dev feelings and this is where stuff started to develop.

Sorry for this random chaos I just wrote.... to sum it up. What I'm trying to say here....

Life is always complicated. No matter what's going on. You'll always find yourself in a situation where you dislike or hate part of it. But life is about filtering the best out of your current situation. It took me a while to figure it out. But it helps to focus on the good stuff and to not give the negative stuff too much thoughts. Don't let them pull you down.AND. probably the most important thing: be in sync with yourself! I know you often might have heard that advice. But. From past experiences I can 100% relate that the best tings in my life happened right at the moments where I was 100% me, proud of who I am and not in need of anyone else. A partner cannot give you the benefit of being a happier person. You first have to be that happy person and then they can add on to it. Not the other way around.

So, drop your concerns, drop the feeling of not having experienced enough yet. Be with yourself, listen what your inner you has to say to you, do what you love and love what you do. That's the best you can do, this goes for all layers in life I guess.

Edit/addition:
I'm turning 35 in three weeks. So, you see, lots of shitty stuff beforhand in order to develop and wake up. The real goodie stuff started to happen in the past 3 years.

[ContingentlyComposite]

I'm in my early thirties and in my first PWD relationship after many relationships with ABs in my 20s, and a lot of angst about finding the right guy and craving deep connections that I could never get my hands on (at least not for very long). While my dev buttons obviously get pushed now more than they did when I was in AB relationships, they got pushed a lot more earlier on in the relationship than they do now. Sexually and romantically it feels much like my AB relationships. I might be in the minority of devs here though in the sense that I've found some (certainly not all) relationships with ABs pretty sexually satisfying even though I can't get off to ABs on my own at all. I also think that for me there's nothing about a relationship with a PWD that's super special in contrast to relationships with ABs. It's really only the depth of connection I have with them apart from their disability status that matters. That's something I couldn't be sure of until I gave it a try, but now I know that even though being a dev is a huge part of my sexuality, if I were to start dating again I wouldn't feel like I was missing anything if I could only find ABs with romantic potential for me. So I guess while I regret wasting so much time and energy on most of my past relationships--like devogirl I tried to make them work for too long--I don't regret that I didn't try harder to find PWDs to date in my 20s. My only regret is not finding this community earlier so that I could have been more comfortable with my sexuality sooner.

[shadow]

I might be in the minority, but I’ve never met an able-bodied man that made me want to pursue him. I dated ABs in my teens and twenties, but it was because they initiated and they pursued me and I gave it a go. It’s a little confusing to me because I can be very attracted to them, but I’ve never had that “I really want to be with you” feeling with one. I don’t know if it’s a physical, sexual, emotional, chemical connection, or a combination of all, but whatever it is I rarely felt it with anyone (including some pwd’s). My only suggestion is that whatever you do, don’t get too hung up on the life you always thought that you would have. It’s a set up to make yourself feel like a failure when you don’t achieve those things, many of which are often out of our control. It’s natural to have an image in your head and I think it’s healthy to set goals, but I try keep in mind that what we want might not be what’s in the cards for us.

A little off topic, but I think its interesting when devs say that a relationship with a pwd is almost the exact same as an AB. I understand partially what that means, but I don’t relate to that at all. Obviously it’s different than it once was andI’m not affected in the same way as I once was, but it is still very different to me.

[lisa]

Thank you so much for all your great advice! :)

devogirl I wasn't hoping to hear from someone else, I very much appreciate everything you say and I'm always citing you on various occasions, even to people outside of PD :) Also thank you for saying that we have to stay realistic. It's a small pond and it's scattered throughout the whole world. I'm sure it is possible to find a fitting PWD partner, but it's probably not possible for everyone.

myrrh Yeah, it kinda does feel like a midlife crisis. I'm not even sure whether this is a bit early ;-). I had a short period of time last year in which I considered hooking up with someone who was compatible only on a superficial level (hot looks, but the rest, meh). I thought that might solve my problem but it turned out that it didn't because it seems that I, too, need the emotional connection. Well, I've learned something.

And yes, I thought that I was asexual, too. It faded away when I found out about my devness. But it definitely can feel this way, because I really felt and still feel almost no sexual attraction to AB guys at all. :-/

Congratulations, feelsunshine on finding someone for fwb :). I'm happy for you :). And yes, I think it has been the same for me - the best things happen when you're not expecting them because you feel fine even without them. Feeling okay with not having a PWD partner is something I should work on, I guess.

sugarmag That's very interesting about the age thing. I've only seriously dated people who were older than me (not really on purpose, it just happened that way), but I've had the same experience, maybe more on an intellectual level.