Jealous of Non-Dev Partners of PWD?

[Celeste]

I hate to admit it, but I often become jealous of non-dev women who are dating PWD (especially people I know in real life). I know that these women aren't necessarily nicer than me or better people, but it can feel like they have better intentions: loving someone despite their disability vs. lusting after them because of their disability.

I don't really feel dev guilt, but I do find myself comparing myself to these women and thinking that I'll never be as "good" as them. I know it's not super logical, but I am feeling it regardless. Has anyone else experienced something similar?

[rebeckers84]

I can’t say I have felt these exact same feelings but I def feel ‘something’ when I see pwd’s with other women. Especially someone I find myself attracted to. To some extent I feel what you’re saying but then I always think how do I know this person isn’t a dev? They could be right!

I guess for me it’s probably moreso jealousy than anything else. Like I want that so badly, how did they get it and I can’t.

[lisa]

Maybe that's a bit ego-centric of me, but I think PWDs are, in a way, better off with devs. I'm sure non-devs have very good intentions and are somehow more these "angels" people always see when being faced with an interabled couple. But I experienced how great this dev-PWD-dynamic can be and that we can give each other something that at least for me has been missing in every other relationship.

Anyhow, I can get kind of jealous of all the interabled couples out there, especially if the AB person isn't a dev, because yeah, the odds are so bad for us and they always seem so happy...

[Dani]

I always feel a kind of sting in my heart in a way, not so much jealousy but yeah, the regretting part I guess...I wish I would have known sooner and could have done something about it. Maybe I would have ended up with a disabled man...Idk...
I like your take on this lisa and you are absolutely right, we don't have that many choices when it comes to PWD...

[ichbin]

I'd be jealous generally spoken if I see an AB woman with a male PWD (with my preferred disability) because I want to have what she has... It's natural, I suppose. Jealousy is just a means of pointing towards your own desires and dreams, right?

I don´t think I'd be jealous of a non-Dev woman though. I think both parties are better off in this constellation if the woman is a Dev. Also, I wouldn't want to be non-Dev if I could choose. It's just too awesome to feel the way I do... and I for sure won't give up finding my partner who will be for me and for whom I will be the perfect match.

[Celeste]

I agree with so many things that all of you have said... definitely some mixed emotions!

• rebeckers84, you are totally right that they could be devs! Not going to lie, I think that would change my opinion of the situation. I think in general, I feel less jealousy towards other devs out of solidarity... if not me, then I'm rooting for another dev haha.
• lisa, the odds are so bad for us and I think that definitely fuels the jealousy.
• Dani, "sting in my heart" is the perfect way to describe it! And like many others have said, there's that feeling of "why can't I have that, too?"
• ichbin, I also really like being a dev! It's nice to know what we like. These emotions are definitely contradictory towards the way I normally feel about being a dev.

The original post may have been fueled by a pretty rough weekend. Maybe I'll feel less dramatic as time goes on.

[rebeckers84]

Aw I’m sorry you had a bad weekend. But I don’t think you’re being dramatic. Very real feelings I think we all face when looking for partners. We’re all in this together! Post the good and the bad stuff so we can all support you.

[Amee]

Jun 12, 2022 15:44:34 GMT -5 Celeste said:

I hate to admit it, but I often become jealous of non-dev women who are dating PWD (especially people I know in real life). I know that these women aren't necessarily nicer than me or better people, but it can feel like they have better intentions: loving someone despite their disability vs. lusting after them because of their disability.

I don't really feel dev guilt, but I do find myself comparing myself to these women and thinking that I'll never be as "good" as them. I know it's not super logical, but I am feeling it regardless. Has anyone else experienced something similar?

Totally get it! I'm not proud to say this, but having been alone for a very long time, jealousy in general is something I'm quite familiar with. It was one of the things I hated about myself the most for quite a while. While it's obviously good not to indulge in our jealousy too much, I also think it's perfectly natural and okay to feel that way from time to time. ichbin put it perfectly.

I can also kind of relate to the jealousy being particularly strong with regards to non-dev women dating PWD. I've noticed that being in a relationship with a PWD while not being "out" as a dev, is kind of a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it annoys me that people (especially my family and friends) probably think that I have to "look past" his disability or that I must be a particularly good person for dating him.
On the other hand, I do get the feeling that quite a few people are under the impression that we must have a particularly deep emotional connection - and I do really like that (partly because I think it's true, partly because who doesn't like their relationship to be seen in a positive light?). I'm worried that if people knew about my devness, they'd go from "Oh, they have such a lovely emotional bond, so superficial things like his disability don't matter" to "Oh, she has a thing for disability, that explains it".

Not sure, if I myself feel like I'm somehow "less good" than a non-dev woman being with a PWD... I guess I do sometimes feel like my relationship would perhaps be more "pure", if I wasn't a dev. Devness does complicate things a bit sometimes and my boyfriend has every once in a while voiced some doubt about whether I would be with him, if he wasn't disabled. In those situations, I totally get jealousy of non-dev women. I'm sure they never have to justify or question their intentions or whether they're with their partner for the "right" reasons.
On the other hand, I also have to agree with what lisa said, the dev-PWD-dynamic can be so great and liberating to both parties and I know that my devness and the existence of devness has had a huge positive impact on my boyfriend as well.

[Inkdevil]

Jesus Celeste, I was only thinking this today. Nearly all the guys I follow online are partnered up and I can just bet most of them are non-Dev. It does make me feel sad that I will always have to explain myself when dating a disabled guy. To always have to over-interrogate my intentions for dating them in the first place. It’s quite exhausting. You can’t just ‘be’.

[Inkdevil]

I tell you what’s really making me feel jealous… has anyone seen there’s a group called WAGSofSCI on IG? If I had a partner, I would really feel like a wrong’un in that environment. I can imagine it full of ladies with a completely different outlook on their relationships than me. Imagine being able compare notes on life with other WAGS with zero dev guilt eating you up. I need to stop falling down that rabbit hole.

[blueskye101]

Jun 23, 2022 16:12:42 GMT -5 Inkdevil said:

I tell you what’s really making me feel jealous… has anyone seen there’s a group called WAGSofSCI on IG? If I had a partner, I would really feel like a wrong’un in that environment. I can imagine it full of ladies with a completely different outlook on their relationships than me. Imagine being able compare notes on life with other WAGS with zero dev guilt eating you up. I need to stop falling down that rabbit hole.

I followed them for awhile but then felt just wrong about it because I felt they would be angry if found out I’m a dev and they definitely come at their relationships from a different angle. Then it went to more of a private podcast so I bowed out. Still a bit on Instagram, but unfollowed

[Inkdevil]

Jun 23, 2022 16:39:44 GMT -5 blueskye101 said:

Jun 23, 2022 16:12:42 GMT -5 Inkdevil said:

I tell you what’s really making me feel jealous… has anyone seen there’s a group called WAGSofSCI on IG? If I had a partner, I would really feel like a wrong’un in that environment. I can imagine it full of ladies with a completely different outlook on their relationships than me. Imagine being able compare notes on life with other WAGS with zero dev guilt eating you up. I need to stop falling down that rabbit hole.

I followed them for awhile but then felt just wrong about it because I felt they would be angry if found out I’m a dev and they definitely come at their relationships from a different angle. Then it went to more of a private podcast so I bowed out. Still a bit on Instagram, but unfollowed

Yes, that’s how I feel - increasing my guilt factor even more. Some profiles I should just avoid, I think. 

[Amee]

Jun 23, 2022 16:12:42 GMT -5 Inkdevil said:

I tell you what’s really making me feel jealous… has anyone seen there’s a group called WAGSofSCI on IG? If I had a partner, I would really feel like a wrong’un in that environment. I can imagine it full of ladies with a completely different outlook on their relationships than me. Imagine being able compare notes on life with other WAGS with zero dev guilt eating you up. I need to stop falling down that rabbit hole.

Ugh, I know what you mean! I just checked out their Website, because you mentioned it... Scrolled through all of those photos of the WAGS ambassadors with their captions about how their partners got injured and how they've been dealing etc... And I would feel so wrong and guilty in the company of those women. Not even sure why exactly...

[Dani]

Rebeckers did a podcast with the WAGS ladies once, it was actually very friendly.

But yeah, I feel oddly weird about the WAGS of SCI because there is so much difficulty involved in the SCI life and here I am, swooning over their guys. It's another one of our dev dilemmas.

[shadow]

I’m a member of the Wags groups on Facebook and IG. The Facebook groups are much different than the IG where it is mainly a place to vent and lay out all of the horrible things sci brings to life and a relationship. (It can occasionally be a place to celebrate victories, etc but is more on the negative issues side). I don’t feel wrong or uncomfortable there at all because I go through many of the same medical and lifestyle struggles that they do and can get a completely different need met from them than I can get from places just for Devs.

IG only shows the cute couple pics, so I can see that feeling a little more “odd” as a dev, but still for me now, not really 🤷🏽‍♀️. I would still submit our pic as couple without feeling guilt about being a dev- I used to feel a little more insecure about it, but now that I feel a part of that group as well, I don’t see my dev/pwd relationship any different than the wag/sci relationship that met post-injury. I do feel different from those who had their injury during their relationship because I cannot relate to that experience at all (thank goodness), but I can relate to pretty much every day after that and I feel I can offer advice as someone who’s been living the life for a long time. To be honest, I’ve never felt 100% a part of either the dev world or the wag world individually, but the two combined give me the most feeling of being ‘understood.’

I do wonder about a few of the wags and I know without a doubt there are some other Devs in there. (One I definitely have decided is a dev by how positive she shows off her quad man bf). In a way, I think the dev presence there is great (if it is a dev presence) because it gives the other wags a slightly different perspective too without really knowing it.