Jealous of Non-Dev Partners of PWD?

[feelsunshine]

Jun 12, 2022 15:44:34 GMT -5 Celeste said:

I hate to admit it, but I often become jealous of non-dev women who are dating PWD (especially people I know in real life). I know that these women aren't necessarily nicer than me or better people, but it can feel like they have better intentions: loving someone despite their disability vs. lusting after them because of their disability.

I don't really feel dev guilt, but I do find myself comparing myself to these women and thinking that I'll never be as "good" as them. I know it's not super logical, but I am feeling it regardless. Has anyone else experienced something similar?

Wohoo, what an interesting and mind-twisting thread!

I think this is a huge part of my devness: That I basically want to be seen as the girl who only by coincidence (not on purpose) is in a relationship with a wheeler.
I have a quote here from one of my posts from Dec 2020:
"And till today, this would still be my ideal story: to get to know someone AB who's "the love of my life" and then few years later, he'd have "the accident" becoming a paraplegic." - full post here: paradevo.proboards.com/post/210050/thread
And funny, this is also a thread from you, Celeste
Of course, if this story would happen in real life, this wouldn't automatically remove the dev-stamp on my forehead, but I would less feel the need (in my head) to make sure people wouldn't "find out" I am a dev. I would only be the girl who stayed together with her guy even after he became paraplegic. How romantic. LOL.

But all this stuff is just in our heads. Really. In the last two years I met so many new people, friends and family of my SCI-FWB-guy and neither them nor my family, friends or colleagues, no one ever judged or asked deeper questions to me being with a wheeler. Some really close people know that I am a dev, but others don't ask or, hell, don't care at all. ... So since wheeler world has become so "normal" in my life, I kind of start to forget the dev thing and even see myself come closer to be one of these "non-dev-women"... And of course, there is always a huge discrepancy from fantasy over real life. Dev fantasy is great, but if you get a glimpse behind the curtains of how SCI life is, it is really not always easy for the women. You have to be patient as hell and not to forget about bladder/bowel stuff that literally can be a showstopper. So what I am trying to say is, that even if we devs enjoy parts of the wheeler-world maybe more than others, SCI life is not easy. And my respect goes to those women who are non-dev but still managed to either stay together with their guy after an accident or fell in love with him despite his disability. So regarding the original post. the devs should not feel bad of being a dev since in real life the dev part is really a thing waaay in the background.

[feelsunshine]

Jun 20, 2022 21:19:09 GMT -5 scarletfire said:

I bet that non-dev women who understand devness and who are in relationships with men with disabilities are jealous of devs too. They might have met their partner before an injury, or maybe they aren't really into the physical attributes of disability and wish they could find their partners sexy as easily as devotees do. They might feel guilty about wishing their partner didn't have a disability. The tendency to see disability as an innately positive thing might be something they're jealous of.

Love that point of view. I hadn't thought this way around before.

[lilyinblossom]

That's complex. There are two situations:
Women that met their partners before they got injuried vs. those who met their partners post-injury.
I don't feel jealous of those that their partners got hurt during their relationship. I feel there are always grief and sadness behind that. It's not inspiring as it should be. Of course they had to "learn" to accept their situation, bodies, challenges, etc.

One of the WAGS of SCI hostess seems to be kinda positive about that. But personally I wouldn't like to experience everything they did - surgeries, ICU, depression, anxiety and other issues. I understand and feel a little guilty when I see this. I follow a girl on Instagram and his husband became a quadriplegic while they were still dating. Almost every day she posts an old pic of him before injury. Clearly she misses his abled-bodied version a lot. There is no 100% of acceptance.

I've listened to some episodes of WAGS of SCI's podcast to see an insider perspective but that's pretty much the same. Most of them didn't choose this destiny. If I were part of a community like that, I'd feel bad listening to their stories. And I'm sure they would feel very offended about people with this pleasure.

But it's different when it comes to partners that met post-injury. I feel jealous and find them (women) very lucky, specially because those guys are "ready" and well-adapted to their disability and it might help a lot. I also can't help but think why her and not me?!
I also wonder what those women have in mind as non-devs. I mean, how does this acceptance happen? Of course there is love involved but the speech to justify being with him despite his disability is always like: "he is so kind, smart and the most incredible person I've met".
If they don't care about physical appearance, maybe, is it some "savior of the nation syndrome"? Like I'd be with this guy no matter what, kinda romanticizing things (or is it only pureness? Or an innocent curiosity?). I feel this can be possible among those women who fell in love with them while working as their caregivers, for example. They might really think those guys deserved love and decided to give it a try and of course they knew them a lot to understand pros and cons.

[Dani]

I still believe that sometimes women may be devs, but they are in denial or just don't know that there is a word for the attraction they feel toward their disabled partner. Maybe there are instances where a woman was with her partner when he was still able-bodied, and then he becomes disabled during their relationship, and he draws her in in other ways now, but she doesn't know that there is something like devness.

The consensus is still that being a devotee is "not normal" because how can we be attracted to certain attributes of a man with a disability? That's why I believe that there are women, even women with disabled partners, who would never "come out" and admit that they find their PWD attractive in ways society doesn't understand. I believe even the WAGS of SCI may have devotees among them.