Fantasy vs Reality

[tanya]

Oct 1, 2023 15:04:44 GMT -5 Dani said:

I think it's the basic dilemma of attraction. With the attraction to disability come many different factors depending on the type of disability and the type of person, dev, and PWD.
I mean, the general thing is that we are not crazy about toilet things unless it's someone's specific fetish or such, so it's also understandable that you may not "love" these things and totally want to be confronted with it as a caregiver, let's say.

If you're the lover of the person, some devs have discussed this before that caregiving and being the sexual/emotional partner should be separate, but for some, caregiving is a fulfilling aspect of their relationship, and that's okay, too. Everyone has their things. But for basic assistance or if there is no one else, I'm sure we agree that we would be there to help our partner.

But toilet things are also part of our lives as humans, so developing a natural approach to it is probably a good thing. If one is in a serious long-term relationship and a partner needs our help in these matters, I would think we're okay helping or doing what is necessary for our partner to feel healthy and okay, even if this is about toilet stuff.

You're not an asshole for having these feelings, it's complicated to be a dev, to say the least, and many devs have been through the same thought process.

I had this super weird thought...so if someone is let's say attracted to very long fingernails, that's doesn't mean that they want to be a nail artist and constantly do their partner's nails. They do enjoy the look of it and maybe the feel of it and it gets them off but someone else does the work. Doesn't mean that if a nail breaks or something the partner who is into it will not take them to the nail salon to get it fixed or make sure the partner with the nails is comfortable and okay with having very long nails.
I know disability is different but the basic attraction situation is the same. 


 

Excellent post Dani, it articulates everything that I feel so well.

[relladev]

Oct 2, 2023 22:23:24 GMT -5 tanya said:

how he lifts his completely still legs with his strong arms.

the swift moment of confusing if something happens to his legs and he figures out immediately, handles the situation with his hands.
like notice a drag while pushing, so look over his lap to find if his feet are falling off and quickly adjust them with his hands 
this is like the best catnip. I would totally go crazy in my mind.

[tanya]

Oct 3, 2023 0:27:03 GMT -5 relladev said:

Oct 2, 2023 22:23:24 GMT -5 tanya said:

how he lifts his completely still legs with his strong arms.

the swift moment of confusing if something happens to his legs and he figures out immediately, handles the situation with his hands.
like notice a drag while pushing, so look over his lap to find if his feet are falling off and quickly adjust them with his hands 
this is like the best catnip. I would totally go crazy in my mind.

Oh yes that's one of my best ones too. I especially love it when a guy is pushing himself along an uneven, bumpy surface and because he has no control over his legs his feet slip off the footplate all the time and he has to stop multiple times to adjust himself with his hands. Seeing that makes me really hot.

He's still managing to do it himself but there's still enough of a struggle related to his disability that makes it really fun to witness.

[hjfundus]

I am also coming to realise that when I see a disabled person in real life, there's not so much of a rush as when I'm watching a movie for example. I love the fantasy, but I've never lived the fantasy in real life, so I don't know if I would be into it in reality - as is the question with all fantasies...

[Dani]

 I just realized I literally answered this twice in here already...

[knicole]

Mar 22, 2023 16:44:34 GMT -5 enteoria said:

My dev fantasies also don't match up to what I could take on in real life. Prior to getting married I dated some guys who were quadriplegics and a guy with a progressive disease. After having kids I used up all the caretaking I had in me. The guys were pretty independent at the time but I definitely see how their disabilities would have put a strain on me that I would have struggled to manage. I barely survived my kids early years and likely would have had less kids if my spouse wasn't AB and able to help me as much. I don't feel any type of way about this. I'm a dev, not a saint. I have my limits like anyone else. Being a mother certainly showed me mine.

This is an old response to this thread, but it caught my eye. 
My ex required a fairly high level of care, and all through covid lockdown I did the entirety of that care 24/7. Was it hard sometimes? Absolutely, but I'd always seen his care as something loving we did together. Like other spouses who brush their teeth before bed side by side, except I was the one doing all the brushing. 
Then we had our daughter and suddenly I could no longer expend even a tenth of the energy I had previously given him, I had zero bandwidth left for his needs. You child really does become the centre of your world, and suddenly I felt a lot of resentment that not only could he not help me with her, but also, he needed more from me than I had to give. 
It certainly wasn't his fault that he had needs, and it also wasn't mine that I had to focus on our daughters. Unfortunately it's just the reality of care and child rearing. 
The last few sentences of this post realllllyyy hit home. 

[lavly]

I'm in a bit of a different situation to most here. Because i dont have kids and my hubby ( para) is completely independent. In fact if i am honest he does most of the care giving to me. Lol. im not even kidding i have bad adhd and forget tasks half way through doing them. There has been many a time where i see him clicking his fingers and in a joking maner saying “ ADD! finish tast …. A.. b … or c “ or if its really not adhd friendly he will just do it and tell me to do a different task.

However there has been a few times where he has had emergency surgery and ended up in icu. And it was bad like the recovery time was hard core. I took over care then, and i am not going to lie it was hard. I dont need to go into details cos i can guess that we all know what i mean. I am not great at that stuff. But not having kids ment that the world stopped till he was ok again. That time is not devy for me. They are painful, scary memories.

However, I know i could do it again if needed be. I would bich and whine all the whole way but i would do it and be grateful for the opportunity to show him love. I know that sounds corny but its true. The not having kids plays a large role in my energy and ability to give back.

Recently I was talking to a para. At one point in our chats he was sick, i don't think it was bad bad, but later when i was thinking about how he could be unwell, i had a freak out and knew that if i had word that he was in the same situation my hubby was in, then i would grab my passport and book a flight. The idea of him being not well and having no one to yell at the nurses feels gut wrenching.

I often think about what it would be like not being the observer. What it would be like not being well or needing help. I know it would fucking do my head in.

[knicole]

Oct 8, 2023 5:39:38 GMT -5 lavly said:

I'm in a bit of a different situation to most here. Because i dont have kids and my hubby ( para) is completely independent. In fact if i am honest he does most of the care giving to me. Lol. im not even kidding i have bad adhd and forget tasks half way through doing them. There has been many a time where i see him clicking his fingers and in a joking maner saying “ ADD! finish tast …. A.. b … or c “ or if its really not adhd friendly he will just do it and tell me to do a different task.

However there has been a few times where he has had emergency surgery and ended up in icu. And it was bad like the recovery time was hard core. I took over care then, and i am not going to lie it was hard. I dont need to go into details cos i can guess that we all know what i mean. I am not great at that stuff. But not having kids ment that the world stopped till he was ok again. That time is not devy for me. They are painful, scary memories.

However, I know i could do it again if needed be. I would bich and whine all the whole way but i would do it and be grateful for the opportunity to show him love. I know that sounds corny but its true. The not having kids plays a large role in my energy and ability to give back.

Recently I was talking to a para. At one point in our chats he was sick, i don't think it was bad bad, but later when i was thinking about how he could be unwell, i had a freak out and knew that if i had word that he was in the same situation my hubby was in, then i would grab my passport and book a flight. The idea of him being not well and having no one to yell at the nurses feels gut wrenching.

I often think about what it would be like not being the observer. What it would be like not being well or needing help. I know it would fucking do my head in.

I get what you’re saying 100%.

I’ve experienced both sides of this, the first hospitalization I was able to drop everything, stay at the hospital with him 24/7, advocate for him, and make sure he was okay, and it was so hard, sleeping in a plastic chair for days in a hospital, but I was terrified for him and all I cared about was him being okay.

The second hospitalization, our daughter was still little, and both she and I were also sick at home, and not only did we have to rely on caregivers/friends/family to be at the hospital with him, but I was so emotionally and physically exhausted that I was literally envious that he got to lay around in the hospital for weeks being taken care of. Sounds insane, I know. On the flip side though I also experienced so much anxiety and frustration because I knew that if I’d been there he would have gotten better faster and it was so hard to relinquish that duty to someone else. So even though I wasn’t able to be physically present it was almost more emotionally taxing because at least when you’re there you can see what’s happening and know you’re doing something to make sure your loved one is okay.

I think once you love someone you would give 100% of what you have to give to them. Unfortunately though, 100% of what you have to give isn’t enough sometimes, if you don’t have anything left in the tank to give.

[lavly]

knicole i hear you and wish i could give you a hug. everything you shared makes so much sence to me. i hope you are in a better place now days <3

[knicole]

Oct 8, 2023 10:22:26 GMT -5 lavly said:

knicole i hear you and wish i could give you a hug. everything you shared makes so much sence to me. i hope you are in a better place now days <3

You're so sweet, I accept virtual hugs lol. I am in a better place, thank you! Now that our daughter is older and we're actually sleeping, (hallelujah) everything seems much less dire! My ex and I are in a really good place, coparenting as friends, and his health is better, thankfully. 

[lavly]

thats so good

[relladev]

Oct 14, 2023 14:19:47 GMT -5 @freecatarina said:

For example: a para who, in the middle of a transfer, has to stop and wait for his muscles spasms to go away or when a para has been injured for so long that his legs became thin and deformed contrasting with a strong upper body, or a low quad with weak hands and no finger function struggling a little to push the buttons of his wheelchair. There is independence but not so much, that duality turns me on. I can think of a lot of situations like these but I won't write here.

For me it’s the reluctantly adaptive attitude and bravery to overcome that is the cherry on top.
Maybe that’s why I’m not so attracted to congenital disabilities. The contrast between what he used to be and how he manages to live with after becoming disabled is even better than the contrast between a strong upper body and withered legs. 
For independence, I don’t really hate caring or hiring help. But if the disability is limiting how much he can actually cope with can-do attitude, then there’s not much action for me to admire. Eg. in an ideal world with every ground evenly paved, I’d more into an amp trying to hide his limp with prosthesis than a wheeler who just outroll every walker.

(and I like the spasms scene too…

[tanya]

Oct 15, 2023 8:27:37 GMT -5 @freecatarina said:

Oct 15, 2023 0:50:17 GMT -5 relladev said:

For me it’s the reluctantly adaptive attitude and bravery to overcome that is the cherry on top.
Maybe that’s why I’m not so attracted to congenital disabilities. The contrast between what he used to be and how he manages to live with after becoming disabled is even better than the contrast between a strong upper body and withered legs. 
For independence, I don’t really hate caring or hiring help. But if the disability is limiting how much he can actually cope with can-do attitude, then there’s not much action for me to admire. Eg. in an ideal world with every ground evenly paved, I’d more into an amp trying to hide his limp with prosthesis than a wheeler who just outroll every walker.

(and I like the spasms scene too…

I wouldn't say limiting but not overcoming his disability, like trying to do a daily yask failling at the first attemp, then trying again and be succed this time. For me, it's always about being independent but still having to take more time to do things, having to plan before acting, like where he's going to park his car and has to find a spot with enough space outside as he'll need to manage his wheelchair, you know, everything that shows the impact of his disability on his life even when he would like to hide.
I agree and also like acquired injuries because of the mental thoughness that is recquired to move on after such a life-changing moment, I think it's huge.
When it comes to congenital disabilities, I have mixed feelings: firstly, there isn't this mindset about coping with a traumatic event and relearning how to do things. And second, I have a problem with the body itself. Most times congenital disabilities make it looks like there is an adult trapped in a kid's body, which is not attractive at all. The only exception is when there is some congenital paralysis that affects only the lower limbs, so the upper body develops properly and the lower limbs are whitered, short, the feet are small, etc. I find it very sexy. Like this guy here, he was born with a congenital condition:

I really relate to this.

I get and even share the attraction to guys who have an acquired disability as I do find it really attractive to see how a guy who was once fully able bodied copes with a major injury which causes him to lose full use of his legs and he has to find a way to overcome this and adapt to his new way of living.

However guys with certain congenital disabilities are also really attractive to me. How these men deal with growing up with a different body in a world which isn't really designed for them is so fascinating to me. I do agree with you though, in that those guys generally need to have a fully functioning upper body from the waist up but a smaller and skinnier lower body with under developed legs and tiny and odd shaped feet.

The guy you have highlighted is a really good example of a congenital disability that I find really attractive. The other main one that springs to mind immediately is Spina Bifida, guys with SB usually look completely normal from the waist up but from the waist down they often have atrophied and short legs, with really tiny feet. Watching the way they move their lower body is really devvy for me.

I know congenital disabilities aren't as popular on here but I think SB guys in particular are really cute and really highlights that contrast between a strong and masculine upper body and a weak and vulnerable lower body.

I've often wondered if it was just me who felt like that so it's great whenever I meet someone who feels the same.

[relladev]

Oct 15, 2023 23:15:23 GMT -5 @freecatarina said:

I don't care much about the mindset of someone who is born with a disability because there isn't any surprise or any process of adapting but what I like most is the fact that they aren't obsessed with a possible cure and as their bodies didn't develop properly, it's not even possible.

How fascinating we are both into something but completely opposite of others lol
I always have a soft spot for PWD who still believes a possible cure. It’s like I know there won’t be a cure in our lifetime and his legs were anyway already too wasted to be cured but the innocent naiveness I just can’t resist.
And it makes me wonder, if there’s a cure, it will still be a super turn on to see the man learn to walk again after so many years trapped into a wheelchair. I think that will also lead to some really devvvy caring work….if you know what I mean