Fantasy vs Reality

[prrrowr]

So, I just looked over the WAGS of SCI website, which led to an article about how family caregivers - almost exclusively women - are mostly unpaid, or paid very little. It talked about how low their self-esteem became, because their time was all focused on caregiving tasks, and they had nothing left over for careers, self-care, or a social life. Oof. As a mother of 4 kids, it was hard enough becoming a mom. All of my time, every bit of it, including during the night and getting little sleep for years, was and is focused on caring for my kids.
I cannot imagine intense caregiving for a partner on top of everything else, I would break. I would probably die, I'm not joking or being dramatic. The lack of sleep alone makes me feel near-death frequently, I wouldn't be able to add any more onto my plate.

That makes me feel like a hypocrite, a fraud, a bad person.

Here I am, attracted to guys with disabilities, but honestly, I don't want a real life relationship with someone who needs caregiving. I know, it's best to have hired caregivers, but every girlfriend or wife also becomes a caregiver. That's the reality of it. And it's something I cannot do, while also being a mother. My kids always come first, and if it were ever a choice between doing something my child needs vs doing something my partner needs, I would choose my child. Every time. I brought them into this world, I am responsible for their health and well-being until they become adults, and even afterwards.

I'm not ashamed of who and what I am - wait. Scratch that. I am kind of ashamed to be attracted to something that can cause another person immense grief. I don't want anyone to suffer, it actually makes me feel physically ill to see another person suffering. That doesn't make my dev sexuality go away though, and it is what it is. I am what I am. I'm not afraid of it, I don't want to hide it (although I mostly do, because you never know how nasty someone can be when confronted with something they consider "abnormal"!) I accept my sexuality and embrace it, but I like it staying in the fantasy realm. Unless I met and fell in love with a person who was completely independent, which is possible, not all guys with disabilities need caregiving... I just feel bad about not wanting the real life responsibility and time commitment it would take to be in a relationship with someone who needs a lot of caregiving. It's not even the nature of what needs to be done - I'm not squeamish. Blood and poop and mucous don't phase me. It's about the time. The one non-renewable resource we have. Once it's gone, it's gone, you never get it back. There is never enough time for all the things I want to do, all the things I wish I could do.
😥

Also, parent care. My dad recently had a stroke, and needed a lot of caregiving for a while. Thank goddess the hospital took care of most of it, and he has recovered enough to be living on his own again, but no freaking way would I be able to take care of kids, a partner, and an elderly parent. No freaking way. The thought of adding parent care to my list of things I have to do, terrifies me right now. Also thankfully, my brother, who is still childness, has been doing most of the stuff my dad needs done.

I don't know what I need here, does anyone else not want the reality of a relationship, vs the perfection of fantasy? Anyone else feel duplicitous because of it? If you are in a caregiving role and also have kids, how on earth do you do it and not disappear as a person?

[Dani]

I think many devs understand this dilemma.

I don't think I'm naturally a caregiver, but I do care about people and my family. I've been confronted with my mother having dementia, but I live far away, so my sister has to take care of everything. I know for me it's already difficult to just talk on the phone to my mother, and I know when I was there, it was difficult for me to see her like this. It makes me incredibly sad and depresses me, so I don't know if I would be strong enough to care for her. I am in a dementia group for daughters who care for their loved ones who have dementia. It's incredibly exhausting and draining, and many caregivers break under this.

I am not really sure how much I could care or if it would get to me too much and I would break under it. I don't think everyone is made to be a caregiver, but it doesn't mean we are bad people. I think I'm simply too weak, but I don't know. Maybe in the moment, I would gather enough mental strength just to do it. Like it's not a question for me that I would care for my children if something were to happen to them (they are adult sons), and I would also care for my husband if something were to happen to him. I would hope that I would have enough strength to do it, but maybe when something serious happens, people can just do it.

I wouldn't choose caregiving as a career, but I do enjoy working in healthcare without direct patient care.
I don't think I would have a problem with basic care for a PWD I'd be with if that is what is needed and if that is what he wants. I enjoy helping people in other ways, but again, I don't think I could make it a 24-hour thing.

As a devotee, I'm well aware of all the things that come with a disability of my preference, and one thing would probably be that because I know so much about it, it wouldn't be an issue if assistance was needed. It all depends on the circumstances.

Personally, I believe keeping caregiving and romance separate in a relationship would be beneficial, meaning there would be a professional caregiver, and I would be only the romantic/sexual/sensual and loving partner. If assistance is needed, it's no problem, but I wouldn't be the primary caregiver.

Sorry, my words were a bit scrambled today...

[ayla]

Good point lily, it's not right to compare the experience of entering into a relationship with a pwd to the experience of your AB partner becoming disabled. They are totally different in my opinion.

[cilantro]

Dec 2, 2022 11:19:01 GMT -5 prrrowr said:

So, I just looked over the WAGS of SCI website, which led to an article about how family caregivers - almost exclusively women - are mostly unpaid, or paid very little. It talked about how low their self-esteem became, because their time was all focused on caregiving tasks, and they had nothing left over for careers, self-care, or a social life. Oof. As a mother of 4 kids, it was hard enough becoming a mom. All of my time, every bit of it, including during the night and getting little sleep for years, was and is focused on caring for my kids.
I cannot imagine intense caregiving for a partner on top of everything else, I would break. I would probably die, I'm not joking or being dramatic. The lack of sleep alone makes me feel near-death frequently, I wouldn't be able to add any more onto my plate.

That makes me feel like a hypocrite, a fraud, a bad person.

Here I am, attracted to guys with disabilities, but honestly, I don't want a real life relationship with someone who needs caregiving. I know, it's best to have hired caregivers, but every girlfriend or wife also becomes a caregiver. That's the reality of it. And it's something I cannot do, while also being a mother. My kids always come first, and if it were ever a choice between doing something my child needs vs doing something my partner needs, I would choose my child. Every time. I brought them into this world, I am responsible for their health and well-being until they become adults, and even afterwards.

I'm not ashamed of who and what I am - wait. Scratch that. I am kind of ashamed to be attracted to something that can cause another person immense grief. I don't want anyone to suffer, it actually makes me feel physically ill to see another person suffering. That doesn't make my dev sexuality go away though, and it is what it is. I am what I am. I'm not afraid of it, I don't want to hide it (although I mostly do, because you never know how nasty someone can be when confronted with something they consider "abnormal"!) I accept my sexuality and embrace it, but I like it staying in the fantasy realm. Unless I met and fell in love with a person who was completely independent, which is possible, not all guys with disabilities need caregiving... I just feel bad about not wanting the real life responsibility and time commitment it would take to be in a relationship with someone who needs a lot of caregiving. It's not even the nature of what needs to be done - I'm not squeamish. Blood and poop and mucous don't phase me. It's about the time. The one non-renewable resource we have. Once it's gone, it's gone, you never get it back. There is never enough time for all the things I want to do, all the things I wish I could do.
😥

Also, parent care. My dad recently had a stroke, and needed a lot of caregiving for a while. Thank goddess the hospital took care of most of it, and he has recovered enough to be living on his own again, but no freaking way would I be able to take care of kids, a partner, and an elderly parent. No freaking way. The thought of adding parent care to my list of things I have to do, terrifies me right now. Also thankfully, my brother, who is still childness, has been doing most of the stuff my dad needs done.

I don't know what I need here, does anyone else not want the reality of a relationship, vs the perfection of fantasy? Anyone else feel duplicitous because of it? If you are in a caregiving role and also have kids, how on earth do you do it and not disappear as a person?

THIS. This is why if I ever enter a relationship with another disabled partner I will need them to have a HIGH level of independence. I was very naive about this going into my last relationship (on top of that bored during covid so felt okay filling my life with caregiving in the beginning), but caregiving really did take over my life and soon I felt like I had simply lost myself in it. I was completely eclipsed by my role, which wasn't helped by the fact that I had moved away from friends and family to join my partner. And even with a system of caretakers in place you need to be careful, because with the shortage of caretakers available if you lose someone from that team, as a partner it is very easy to start taking over all of the caretaking without thinking about it. 

This also makes me feel like a fraud, hypocrite, and generally awful person. Last night I drunkenly told someone I had JUST MET that I'm a dev and now I'm convinced she loathes me. But attraction is what it is, we are still the main characters in our own stories, we need to respect and our potential.

[eewee]

I've been married over ten years to an able bodied man who I adore. He has asked me in the past "would you love me more if I got in a car accident and suddenly couldn't use my legs anymore?"

I think I go through the same thoughts. I love reading about others in relationships with people with disabilities, but I don't think I could deal with my husband suddenly becoming disabled. Like others that have posted here, I feel a little hypocritical. I blush, my heart rate goes up when I fantasize. but when faced with it in reality, I get scared.

[koala]

Such a great topic. There are a few other threads about similar thoughts/ideas that I would recommend looking into if you want to see additional perspectives.

I have a TON to say about this topic, but it's difficult to get my thoughts out in a cohesive way. My time as a caregiver felt like a complete and total clusterfuck, so my memories of it are all over the place. I will say, though, that I would recommend being 100% aware of the situation you are entering if you choose to take on any caregiving responsibilities. It can seem romantic and innocent at first, but there are so many other things (laws, finances, etc) that will surprise you. When I married my husband, he was very independent. He could still walk short distances with braces and arm crutches and only used his manual chair when we were out and about. His condition had been stable for many years, so I wasn't at all worried about having to take on any caregiver responsibilities, which I was very thankful for. Ever since I was a little girl, the thought of being a caregiver for my husband was my LITERAL worst nightmare. I was definitely NOT cut out for the role. However, as his condition began to deteriorate, it quickly took over my life. I had to fight like hell to maintain our stability and our relationship. It becomes very easy to slip into a nurse/patient type of mindset, and before you know it, the things you thought you enjoyed just become another stressor. On top of that, laws are not at all conducive to being in a relationship while also being a caregiver. Some states require that those roles be entirely unpaid, while others pay some...but not enough to live on. Also, if your SO has Medicaid or other government-sponsored help, you will likely lose that if you have any sort of income at all. I know there are people who do this and make it work, but it was by far one of the most traumatic experiences I have gone through in my life. Going into it with your eyes wide open and a plan of how you are going to afford outside care I think is critical to actually making it doable.

[eewee]

Koala is not alone. There are many articles about military families who have their loved one come home disabled. It changes the relationship. I can only imagine it being difficult to separate ADL duties with the person you love and keep the relationship alive.

Our fantasies are just that, fantasies. I don't know about everyone else, but mine include men who are independent. They just have wheels instead of sneakers. That might not actally exist in RL. For me, that's ok. I keep in my fantasies.

[ichbin]

Mar 22, 2023 10:21:11 GMT -5 eewee said:

 I don't know about everyone else, but mine include men who are independent. They just have wheels instead of sneakers. That might not actally exist in RL. 

It does exist in RL 😉

[ellabella]

I know this is an old thread but I just want you guys to know how validating it is for me to read this. If anybody is interested in still discussing this, please feel free to PM me.

[relladev]

Sept 29, 2023 0:10:26 GMT -5 ellabella said:

I know this is an old thread but I just want you guys to know how validating it is for me to read this. If anybody is interested in still discussing this, please feel free to PM me.

Thanks for digging this up!
I’m late for this discussion too but just want to add my thoughts.
I think despite the physical independence of the PWD himself, financial independence is also if not more important.
so over the years I have taking my career very serious. Just to make sure if I finally met someone I would be able to have the financial support. Hire a caregiver or pay an existing one well will always be a solution. If not for the disabled partner, then hire someone to look after the kids. A woman can still be a good mother while hiring a help if a man is ever a good father.

[ellabella]

Sept 30, 2023 10:43:02 GMT -5 relladev said:

Sept 29, 2023 0:10:26 GMT -5 ellabella said:

I know this is an old thread but I just want you guys to know how validating it is for me to read this. If anybody is interested in still discussing this, please feel free to PM me.

Thanks for digging this up!
I’m late for this discussion too but just want to add my thoughts.
I think despite the physical independence of the PWD himself, financial independence is also if not more important.
so over the years I have taking my career very serious. Just to make sure if I finally met someone I would be able to have the financial support. Hire a caregiver or pay an existing one well will always be a solution. If not for the disabled partner, then hire someone to look after the kids. A woman can still be a good mother while hiring a help if a man is ever a good father.

I'm super new to this whole dev thing, didn't even realize it was a "thing" really. But when I really think about it, I like the idea of being with someone with a disability, and probably a more severe one because that seems to be more attractive to me, but I am very aware that I would be a terrible caregiver and also have zero patience for someone who wasn't independent. Plus, the idea of carer type things is NOT appealing to me at all (toilet stuff especially but even just being responsible for helping someone regardless of whether I'm in the mood to be helpful or not), so I was wondering if I can even call myself a "dev." 
I also realize there is a lot of ableism tied in with my fear that being with someone disabled would be burdensome or full of caregiving, and I feel guilty for that. Also, how can I sexually appreciate something about someone, but also not want to deal with the complications that arise from that something? Am I a complete asshole? Probably....

[relladev]

One of the reasons I’m more attracted to the independent PWD is because it’s a super turn on to see them manage their daily lives with some extent of struggle.
I think this is just as bad as you don’t want caregiving lol

[ellabella]

Oct 1, 2023 2:56:36 GMT -5 relladev said:

One of the reasons I’m more attracted to the independent PWD is because it’s a super turn on to see them manage their daily lives with some extent of struggle.
I think this is just as bad as you don’t want caregiving lol

I get that for sure. Something super sexy about seeing the way a determined disabled guy figures out how to do what he wants.

[Dani]

I think it's the basic dilemma of attraction. With the attraction to disability come many different factors depending on the type of disability and the type of person, dev, and PWD.
I mean, the general thing is that we are not crazy about toilet things unless it's someone's specific fetish or such, so it's also understandable that you may not "love" these things and totally want to be confronted with it as a caregiver, let's say.

If you're the lover of the person, some devs have discussed this before that caregiving and being the sexual/emotional partner should be separate, but for some, caregiving is a fulfilling aspect of their relationship, and that's okay, too. Everyone has their things. But for basic assistance or if there is no one else, I'm sure we agree that we would be there to help our partner.

But toilet things are also part of our lives as humans, so developing a natural approach to it is probably a good thing. If one is in a serious long-term relationship and a partner needs our help in these matters, I would think we're okay helping or doing what is necessary for our partner to feel healthy and okay, even if this is about toilet stuff.

You're not an asshole for having these feelings, it's complicated to be a dev, to say the least, and many devs have been through the same thought process.

I had this super weird thought...so if someone is let's say attracted to very long fingernails, that's doesn't mean that they want to be a nail artist and constantly do their partner's nails. They do enjoy the look of it and maybe the feel of it and it gets them off but someone else does the work. Doesn't mean that if a nail breaks or something the partner who is into it will not take them to the nail salon to get it fixed or make sure the partner with the nails is comfortable and okay with having very long nails.
I know disability is different but the basic attraction situation is the same. 


 

[tanya]

Oct 1, 2023 2:56:36 GMT -5 relladev said:

One of the reasons I’m more attracted to the independent PWD is because it’s a super turn on to see them manage their daily lives with some extent of struggle.
I think this is just as bad as you don’t want caregiving lol

I completely agree with this and totally know what you mean.

I love how an independent paralysed guy still manages to get around and do things and how the lower half of his body sort of just drags itself around by moving his upper body and how he lifts his completely still legs with his strong arms.

I'm really not much of a caregiver at all so I do prefer a PWD who can do most things for himself and watching him do things with a little bit of a struggle but ultimately overcoming those struggles is super sexy to me.